I need advice...QUICK!!

Sassyz75 Posted: May 14, 2003 10:40 AM

Re: I need advice...QUICK!!

You can't read into it and you can't make assumptions... who knows- maybe she was mean as a girlfriend but is better as a friend.. I've kept in touch with a lot of exes, and that doesn't mean I want to get back...!

The Original 2nd-time-around Posted: May 14, 2003 10:44 AM

Re: I need advice...QUICK!!

Yes, I did hit sent mail, because I was looking for something that I sent. I know it doesnt sound right, but if you saw me at that moment, you'd know that I wasn't really paying much attention to what I was doing...but then when I saw her e-mail address, it was like the clock stopped

Samanthas Mom Posted: May 14, 2003 10:45 AM

Re: I need advice...QUICK!!

I would definitely talk to him about it

The Original 2nd-time-around Posted: May 14, 2003 10:47 AM

Re: I need advice...QUICK!!

Oh I am DEFINATELY going to talk to him about it. Trust is a major, MAJOR Thing with me...especially since I got divorced because my exhusband was cheating with someone at work. I do not take this lightly

Marnles Posted: May 14, 2003 10:59 AM

Re: I need advice...QUICK!!

I'm sure your FH knows how much trust means to you due to your past experience, which is all the more reason why he should at least understand where you are coming from. Good luck with it - I'm sure it didn'tmean anything at all...

The Original 2nd-time-around Posted: May 14, 2003 11:22 AM

Re: I need advice...QUICK!!

I hope so! I'll let you know how it goes....until then I'll be stewing alll day!

michele31 Posted: May 14, 2003 11:43 AM

Re: I need advice...QUICK!!

My x-fiance and I still send e-mails every few months to say 'How are you and the family' type stuff. My DH knows all about it though and has no problem with it since we were broken up for many years before I even met DH.
Not sure what is going on, but I would just ask him. Perhaps they stay in contact. I would be more upset about the secret, then the action.

cluelessbride Posted: May 14, 2003 11:46 AM

Re: I need advice...QUICK!!

Calm down before you do or say anything.

I'm not good for advice on this one - I think x's are a no-no.

Just take a deep breath and maybe take a walk. Then talk to him in person so you can read his body language and he can't hang up/log off, etc.

butterfly20 Posted: May 14, 2003 11:54 AM

idea

why dont you accentally logged into his account when looking for a LIPA email you sent... give him time to tell you he sent those girls email

susans Posted: May 14, 2003 12:01 PM

Re: idea

Don't stew until you know for sure that there's a reason to be angry. Like Michelle said, it's not uncommon for some people to maintain friendships with exes.

I'm friends with an ex and our communications are along those same lines 'I thought of you today. What's up?'
Usually means 'I saw something that you would have thought was as hilarious as I did, so it made me think of you and the fact that it's been awhile since we've spoken. So how are things?'
It's all very inncocent and my husband knows that I maintain these friendships.
Certain things can be misread, especially when you 'accidentally' happen upon them.

Did you know that he still remains friendly with these women?

The man you married deserves the benefit of the doubt. Just ask him. But be forewarned that he'll probably say 'it was nothing. I was just saying hi'
which might burn you even more.

shamma Posted: May 14, 2003 12:29 PM

Re: idea

All I will add is speak on the topic with a calm head. Do not let it go by and just let it stew or simmer or whatever. There could be nothing, there could be something, but unless you ask you will not know. I do not believe in secret emails or phone calls to women or men with alterior motives. My mother always says what's done in the dark must come out to light. Nothing can happen in your relationship unless you FI lets it happen. I hope it all gets resolved.

NuBride Posted: May 14, 2003 02:05 PM

Re: idea

Who cares how you found it, and I TRULY believe you found the email by accident. I however DO NOT approve as having ex's for friends, there is absolutely NO reason in my book for anyone to keep in touch with their ex's (JMO).

I would find out what these women KNOW about you....that would be very telling....I hope this works out. Good Luck.

The Original 2nd-time-around Posted: May 14, 2003 02:25 PM

Re: idea

I just went back and looked at them....One of them starts off 'Remember me? It's (his name)'. To me...that makes it even worse. This is not a 'friend' that he's kept in touch with, but someone that he's looking to strike things up with.

Annieb Posted: May 14, 2003 02:29 PM

Re: idea

This is my two cents
DO NOT say anything yet. First of all, at this point he has done nothing really 'wrong' and he can just explain it away like he hardly ever talks to her blah blah blah and second of all, if he is actually doing something wrong (or about to) you will put him on guard and maybe never really know the truth. Finally, at this point he can easily turn it around and put it all on you.

So...what I would do is say nothing right now...keep logging on and checking his email everyday especially the sent mails....after a few weeks you may no longer even want to confront him once you realize it is no big deal OR you may realize that he is doing something he should not be.

I know its sneaky and maybe not the best approach but, at this point, I think its better safe then sorry

Stinker Posted: May 14, 2003 02:48 PM

Re: Honesty

IMO - I think you should lay all your cards on the table - tell him what happened - dont give him time to think up an explaination - and ask him what his intentions are/were by e-mailing these girls.

Although biding your time and checking out the situation is a smart thing to do at times, I know I could not sit on this. I would have to discuss it right away.
I went through a situation with FI about this time last year he was exchanging text messages with some girl I did not know (on my cell phone what a dope), he and I both have very close friends of the op sex wich we are both fine with but this was different.
Long story short I said if you are having doubts please let me know whats going on because I would tell you, I also told him that in no uncertain terms was he to have a relationship with a woman that I didnot personally know and that if they wanted to talk she could call our house at any time.

My personal thing is to always be respectfully honest about how I feel and what I want from our relationship and I encourage him to do the same with me. I would say not to play any games and just ask him what the deal is in a calm honest manner.

The Original 2nd-time-around Posted: May 14, 2003 05:22 PM

Re: Honesty

OK, well we talked. He apologized for the 'wording' of his e-mails (he admitted that the 'I was thinking of you' was definately inappropriate), and said his ex-girlfriend had IM'd him about a week ago with some bad stuff that was going on in her life, so he wanted to see how she was doing. The other one was a friend who has 3 kids and lost her husband on 9/11 (he's talked to me about her before) and he just wanted to see how she was doing.
He did (as I expected he would!) say that I invaded his privacy.
I told him I had no problem with him talking to these, or any other girls for that matter, but let them call the house, not sneak around calling him at work or sending e-mails. I have a couple of guy friends, but they call me at home, FH has answered the phone, and I've talked to them in front of him because I have nothing to hide!

Sage10.03 Posted: May 14, 2003 05:24 PM

Re: Honesty

I'm glad you got it straightened out....You must feel alot better!!

Sunny Posted: May 14, 2003 05:39 PM

Re: Honesty

I am glad this worked out for you, but I have to say that I disagree that you were snooping. If I found something of fh's email account (we share one, but if we didn't) I would not hink that I was snooping. He should not have anything to hide from me- I think if I find a piece of paper in his pocket it is fair game (and vice versa). I think if there is something he wouldn't want me to see, he shouldn't be doing it (or have it).