I need honest advice

So Fianace and I have been looking at single family homes and we found a few that we loooove and can afford, the problem is his dad died last january so his mom is alone....he wants her to move in with us when we get the new house (he lives with her now) but for her to have her own seperate apartment.....the houses we are looking at are single family so the apartment would be in the huge basements these homes have. He feels she deserves better than being in the basement,,,, so he just says to me what if she has on of the four bedrooms in our house but has her own kitchen and bath in basement....ok NOOOOOO thats not how a newlywed couple should be living with their mother-in-law right there....or we should get a two family....which he and I both really dont want becuase there will not be enough room and it wont be the house we want....so he says we are going to keep looking until the 3 of us are happy.... my problem is
I do not feel this should be a decision made by the 3 of us....its our life we are starting and I am fine with her living in her own seperate part of our house but thats it..... I want us to start our lives....its nice of us to offer her that but then she has to get everything else too...she already had her time to pick her house and where she wanted to live and make a family, now it is my time....am I wrong? I mean she keeps saying' no I dont like that house, or no this no that...it shouldnt be her choice...she is 62years old and healthy and well capable of taking care of herself....so why does she have so much say in our lives....I do not know what to do...i tell fiance but he thinks I am wrong and its his mother and she should have the best along with me....not anymore....its our life now...not the 3 of us...and we were going to make a beautiful apartment for her. Please help me!!!!!

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Posted by Cheryl28

Wow...I agree with you. I wouldn't mwant my MIL living in a bedroom next to mine either. It's nice you both agree that she can live with you but the basement apartment would/should be fine. As for picking out your self, it should be the two of you unless she's paying for it. Just keeping telling him that the apartment is perfet for her.

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She is not paying for anything...not even rent...she doesnt work...she just sits around all day...she is a nice lady but I want to start my own life, not mine his and HERS!!!!!

Ok, this is a tough one - especially for me to answer...but I've been dealing with this too. My dad passed away two weeks ago. My mother is 56 years old, healthy, and very capable of living on her own. However, the thought of my mother living on her own, far away (she's in Florida) is heartbreaking for me. FH and I recently had a discussion about this and when the time comes for us (sometime next year we will start looking), I want to find a house that has a separate area for my mother. FH was understanding.

But here's where you and I differ in our situation. My mother would NEVER chime in about where we live or what the house looks like. In fact, I'm sure my mom is going to fight me on the issue (she doesnt want to be a burden on us). You're right. You and FH need to start a life together. Your FMIL should be thrilled that you are even considering allowing her to live with you. Where is she now? Is she close by? This is a touchy situation. With your FFIL passing, it's not an easy thing to say to FMIL that she doesn't have a say in everything. But maybe your FH can talk to her about it?

It seems like you're kind of angry about the situation. Try to put yourself in your FH's shoes. It has to be tough for him to deal with his father's passing and he probably worries about his mother - regardless of how healthy she is. There has to be some resolution that you guys can come to.

In the meantime I think you and FH should keep your house hunting between the two of you. Don't involve FMIL until after youve decided on a place. Dont let her influence your future. That's something you guys need to come up with on your own.

Good luck

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Posted by beachbum05

Ok, this is a tough one - especially for me to answer...but I've been dealing with this too. My dad passed away two weeks ago. My mother is 56 years old, healthy, and very capable of living on her own. However, the thought of my mother living on her own, far away (she's in Florida) is heartbreaking for me. FH and I recently had a discussion about this and when the time comes for us (sometime next year we will start looking), I want to find a house that has a separate area for my mother. FH was understanding.

But here's where you and I differ in our situation. My mother would NEVER chime in about where we live or what the house looks like. In fact, I'm sure my mom is going to fight me on the issue (she doesnt want to be a burden on us). You're right. You and FH need to start a life together. Your FMIL should be thrilled that you are even considering allowing her to live with you. Where is she now? Is she close by? This is a touchy situation. With your FFIL passing, it's not an easy thing to say to FMIL that she doesn't have a say in everything. But maybe your FH can talk to her about it?

It seems like you're kind of angry about the situation. Try to put yourself in your FH's shoes. It has to be tough for him to deal with his father's passing and he probably worries about his mother - regardless of how healthy she is. There has to be some resolution that you guys can come to.

In the meantime I think you and FH should keep your house hunting between the two of you. Don't involve FMIL until after youve decided on a place. Dont let her influence your future. That's something you guys need to come up with on your own.

Good luck

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I totally see your point about being in there shoes, but like you also said my mother would never put her two sense in to begin with, she would be so greatful that we offered for her to live with us no matter where it was, she would live in a closet....the point is she is making this so hard and something I thought would be one of the most exciting times in my life has turned into a nigtmare.

Also, you and FH need to act like a team. He can't side with his mother - he has to be YOUR support system. In order to start your marriage off on the right foot you need to make sure he's on your side!

if you are going to do it - u need a 2 family house and FMIL should be in her in her OWN apartment, with her OWN entrance, that is SEPERATE from your house....i wouldnt want one of my parents or one of FH's parents living in our house.....especially our first house as newlyweds....unless one of them was sick and needed our help - but if not then I think you should stick to your guns.....

on the bright side it could help you out IF she pays you guys rent (which will def help with the mortgage) and if she doesnt work then when you have children you will have a babysitter one door away.

good luck!

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Posted by Cupcakes08

I agree with you!!! It is time to get yourself and FH a place for you 2 to be able grow as a married couple.

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I agree that whole situtation *****. Is she not willing to live on her own?

that is a very hard decision to make.

COming from me, i have had my grandmother living with us most of my life (until she passed away 2 years ago). It can be very hard. My grandma had her own apt in our house but there are def responsibilites that come with having a family member living in your home, Is your FMIL ill? can she not live on her own? I personally dont think its a good idea for newlywed couple, but sometimes you have to do these things and you work it out.

Our parents offered to have us live with them in my grandmas old apt for free and we turned iit down, FH just didnt think it was healthy for us to do so and i agree.

Unfortunetly this is going to have to be a decision that you and FH are going to have to make, sit down and talk about it, also consider the type of person your FMIL is. Like if it was my FMIL and it was necessary for her to move it I would - she would never be a burden.

My FH's father passed away this year as well and his mom living with us was brought up. At first I thought ok that could work and then I thought no way! I want to be queen of the house, I know if his mother live with us it would not be the case. I wantto cook for my husband and clean the way I want to.
His mother is also in he early sixties and capable of living on her own.
My suggestion is really think about it. and if you do decide to live with her, she does have a say and you need to think about her needs...like would she be able to walk up stairs at 75.
Thank God his mother decided she didn't want to live with us, but it was something I was faced with for a while and I said to FH that I was not so sure that was what I wanted to live with FMIL.
It's a touchy subject...I also feel living with FMIL your husband's attentionto your needs will never be all yours it will always be shared.

Hope you don't mind hearing from an '07 er.
My first thought was perhaps you might look at high ranch style houses. These don't really have basements; the ground floor is like a work type area instead of a basement. Some have finished areas divided into rooms and some are even set up like an apartment with kitchen and bath. They usually have patio doors going to the yard. Maybe FH would think that better than a basement for mom.
Also, It is a difficult position to be in. Since FH was living with his mother I expect he is very close to her which makes listening to your side of the situation hard for him.
I agree with others who have said it would be much better for just the 2 of you to look at houses and decide if the 2 of you like it before hearing anything from FMIL. At least your initial opinion will be just yours and her opinion won't influence that. and maybe if you fall in loive with something you just have to tell her that . . .guess what we found a lovely house with a perfect place for you too.
hth

I agree with you on not having her have a bedroom there- you definitely need your seperate space.

What about looking for an house that has an apartment on the ground level or upstairs if he doesbn'r want her in the basement.

How does she feel about the basement? Is she OK w/ it?

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Posted by beachbum05

Ok, this is a tough one - especially for me to answer...but I've been dealing with this too. My dad passed away two weeks ago. My mother is 56 years old, healthy, and very capable of living on her own. However, the thought of my mother living on her own, far away (she's in Florida) is heartbreaking for me. FH and I recently had a discussion about this and when the time comes for us (sometime next year we will start looking), I want to find a house that has a separate area for my mother. FH was understanding.

But here's where you and I differ in our situation. My mother would NEVER chime in about where we live or what the house looks like. In fact, I'm sure my mom is going to fight me on the issue (she doesnt want to be a burden on us). You're right. You and FH need to start a life together. Your FMIL should be thrilled that you are even considering allowing her to live with you. Where is she now? Is she close by? This is a touchy situation. With your FFIL passing, it's not an easy thing to say to FMIL that she doesn't have a say in everything. But maybe your FH can talk to her about it?

It seems like you're kind of angry about the situation. Try to put yourself in your FH's shoes. It has to be tough for him to deal with his father's passing and he probably worries about his mother - regardless of how healthy she is. There has to be some resolution that you guys can come to.

In the meantime I think you and FH should keep your house hunting between the two of you. Don't involve FMIL until after youve decided on a place. Dont let her influence your future. That's something you guys need to come up with on your own.

Good luck

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I agree with Bonnie 100%. Her advice was perfect........and I agree with her when she said that you and your FH need to keep your house hunting between the two of you, and when you find something that you both LOVE, then tell your FMIL. That way, she won't be influencing you guys.

Good luck though.....I can only imagine what you are going through......this is a tough situation.

I'll say this...I know it's not exactly the same, but it's similar...

FH and I have been living together for just shy of two years in a house that FH owns. Recently, FH's younger brother (who was in my grade and graduated high school with me) finally finished college (took him six years, so I was already out two years at this point). He has a tenuous relationship with his parents, and FH offered for him to move into one of our 3 bedrooms until he coudl save up for his own place.

It has become a TREMENDOUS burden on us and I am starting to buckle. We lack privacy, plain and simple. You wouldn't imagine how hard it is to do the kind of things that couples do (you know what I mean) when you have someone else around. Even when you sneak away, you feel like people can hear you, etc. Also, his brother is a FILTHY SLOB and is making my life impossible because I feel that, on top of going to law school and working, I am cleaning up after an adult man.

I know the difference between one's brother and mother is a lot, but I think that the gist of the situation is the same. I totally think you need to find something where FH's mother is in a good living situation, but not one where she is in your main house with you. You're right, you need privacy. But, simultaneously, if my father died I would insist that my mother either move in or move next door, or something like that. I probably wouldn't want her in a basement either. There must be someway to achieve both, like a legal mother/daughter home. There are some very beautiful, modern looking ones that I just saw today when I was cruising around my parents' area (Port Jeff-Mt Sinai-Coram).

Just remember, this is FH's Mom. You guys need to be a united front, but I think you have to be careful to respect that special relationship they have.

I'm 100% on your side..you need your own space, and you are just starting your own family together. Being in a spare bedroom certainly makes her PART of your family..

However, if I put myself in your husbands shoes for a moment..I would never want my mom to live alone. And saying putting her in the basement sounds horrible...but its not as bad as it sounds.

I think you should look for other options...

Show her houses with finished basements so she can get an idea of what a really nice basement apt looks like (there are truly some really beautiful ones out there)...see if you can get a seperate entrance through the back...with fewer steps...because in the future most likely..that will become a problem..


Look at mother/daughter houses...they usually have nice apts attacted to them for this exact situation. The apts are usually small, but have everything she could need (bedroom, bathroom, kitchen) ...

This is a really, really tough one. I very recently lost my father, very unexpectedly. My mom is a young woman of 57. However, until you've lived through a tragedy like this, you do not know what a person is going through. My mom is a mess. She is the strongest woman I have ever known, yet is a mess. On that note, I live 1/2 hour away from her, and see her almost every day. I stayed with her for a week after my dad passed, and then went back to my apt. with FH, but saw her all the time. She would never want to move in with me. She even sometimes gets mad because she knows I'm over late and have to work in the morning, and doesn't want me babysitting her. I couldn't imagine not seeing her all the time, but I don't think either of us would be happy with her living with us. Granted, we live in a 1 bedroom city apt!
But I do understand that your FH doesn't want to leave her since he has been living with her. I think a situation where she is very near by, like on the same block or a couple of minutes away would be ideal. My parents got married very young, and lived with my dad's parents at first. When they had enough $ to buy a house, they bought a 2 family, and my grandparents lived upstairs. They still do. Both my parents came to resent them for pressuring them to do this. It can be a testy situation, and it caused lots of problems.
This is a very touchy, tricky situation. I just wanted to share my experiences with you, take what you can from them, but ultimately, it is something you and FH will have to decide together. You are not in an easy situation at all! Good luck, and take care of each other!