If you knew your unborn child would be disabled...

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Posted by brooklynbridezilla



Do you really and completely believe that many women abort a disabled child because they are worrying about who will take care of him or her when they pass? I am not asking this hypothetically, I really just wonder if there is any substance to that. I do 100% believe that in most cases (not all) it is because the parents do not want the burden. I know that others agree with me in this. I have heard and seen it first hand from discussions with friends.


I really do believe that many parents who chose to abort are not trying to escape the hard work it will take to raise the baby. I'm sure I am not the only one who has thought about what happens tho the kid when the parents are gone. Life goes beyond the time parent and child spend together, and I think it is short sighted not to consider that time. Even if I had raised a severely disabled child to the very best of my ability, as I aged I would wonder about his/her future.

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I just wanted to apologize if i sounded like i was outright accusing you for a statement you made earlier...it came out much different than intended...I was trying to convey what I was thinking and sometimes through email it doesn't sound like its intended. Just wanted to say that...

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Posted by Johnny&Maur

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Posted by brooklynbridezilla



Do you really and completely believe that many women abort a disabled child because they are worrying about who will take care of him or her when they pass? I am not asking this hypothetically, I really just wonder if there is any substance to that. I do 100% believe that in most cases (not all) it is because the parents do not want the burden. I know that others agree with me in this. I have heard and seen it first hand from discussions with friends.


I really do believe that many parents who chose to abort are not trying to escape the hard work it will take to raise the baby. I'm sure I am not the only one who has thought about what happens tho the kid when the parents are gone. Life goes beyond the time parent and child spend together, and I think it is short sighted not to consider that time. Even if I had raised a severely disabled child to the very best of my ability, as I aged I would wonder about his/her future.

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I just wanted to apologize if i sounded like i was outright accusing you for a statement you made earlier...it came out much different than intended...I was trying to convey what I was thinking and sometimes through email it doesn't sound like its intended. Just wanted to say that...

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Everything is cool with me, J&M. No offense taken.

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Posted by Johnny&Maur

I don't think that everyone thinks it is an easy way out. Not at all...I even stated 'not all' cases because I do know that it is a tough choice for many women. I however really do feel that in MANY cases that no..it is not thought about that far ahead. I sincerely believe that from what i have read, heard and seen first hand.

I was stating my opinions and asking a question. I have always been respectful of people and many times on discussions like this I have not been regarded with respect....I've seen it done to others too who may have varying viewpoints and its very disheartening. I have had FM's from several girls saying that they felt exactly the same way as I do but are afraid to say things on these boards because if you are not in the majority you are torn apart. Do you know how many times on certain boards people have been nasty when I've been very polite? I am not a belligerent person and I'm sorry you misconstrued what i said.

I have NEVER accused you are any girl on here personally about your motives. What i asked about is motives of most women having abortions today..THAT is what i question and I believe i have a right to. I really am sorry for making you think otherwise...

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It's really a shame that you feel that way about 'most women'. I look at LIW as a good sampling of 'most women' and I think if you look at those who replied that they would abort very few have said that it was just because they didn't want to be burdened. I don't think this is about being nasty or polite...and to be honest, I think you have been polite...but you've very politely second guessed a whole lot of people on here. And I just don't think that's fair.

As for those who would rather not post their views, that's their prerogative, but when I feel passionately about something no amount of 'getting torn apart' by LIWers is going to prevent me from posting about it. I may be preaching to the choir on that one - I commend you for your earlier posts and, again, I do respect your opinion. I'm very sensitive to generalizations - about race, gender, political issues, etc - and I don't think that what you see on this thread supports your theory.

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Posted by usuk2004

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Posted by Johnny&Maur

I don't think that everyone thinks it is an easy way out. Not at all...I even stated 'not all' cases because I do know that it is a tough choice for many women. I however really do feel that in MANY cases that no..it is not thought about that far ahead. I sincerely believe that from what i have read, heard and seen first hand.

I was stating my opinions and asking a question. I have always been respectful of people and many times on discussions like this I have not been regarded with respect....I've seen it done to others too who may have varying viewpoints and its very disheartening. I have had FM's from several girls saying that they felt exactly the same way as I do but are afraid to say things on these boards because if you are not in the majority you are torn apart. Do you know how many times on certain boards people have been nasty when I've been very polite? I am not a belligerent person and I'm sorry you misconstrued what i said.

I have NEVER accused you are any girl on here personally about your motives. What i asked about is motives of most women having abortions today..THAT is what i question and I believe i have a right to. I really am sorry for making you think otherwise...

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It's really a shame that you feel that way about 'most women'. I look at LIW as a good sampling of 'most women' and I think if you look at those who replied that they would abort very few have said that it was just because they didn't want to be burdened. I don't think this is about being nasty or polite...and to be honest, I think you have been polite...but you've very politely second guessed a whole lot of people on here. And I just don't think that's fair.

As for those who would rather not post their views, that's their prerogative, but when I feel passionately about something no amount of 'getting torn apart' by LIWers is going to prevent me from posting about it. I may be preaching to the choir on that one - I commend you for your earlier posts and, again, I do respect your opinion. I'm very sensitive to generalizations - about race, gender, political issues, etc - and I don't think that what you see on this thread supports your theory.

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I already apologized for sounding like i was second guessing...that really was not my intent. It is very hard over email..in a forum setting to convey points..things come out differently and sound not as they are intended.

I don't believe that the majority of women on these boards take these issues lightly...if they did, they wouldn't bother offering their insight. Which i do appreciate. Believe it or not, i am a very open minded person who will listen and try to understand anyone. I never classified the girls on this board or on liweddings before at all! I gather my observations through friends from college...coworkers...relatives..etc...and yes, sometimes from here. And i have spent hours reading up on issues..doesn't make me an expert but it did open my eyes...I think the girls on here are wonderful, intelligent and i've enjoyed reading most topics. Again, i apologize. I am sorry if i sounded like i was generalizing, i know that is not the case.

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Posted by Johnny&Maur

Before i answer, yes i am pro-life so my answer obviously is no, i would never abort knowing my child would be disabled.

I think that is a heartbreaking statement. Why should a child that is perceived to be healthy put ahead that of a child who is disabled? Because maybe it would be too much work to raise him or her?

That is your child you've created. Who is to say that something won't happen to this child after birth? Thing happen EVERY DAY...accidents, illnesses, etc. Every one of us could have a perfectly healthy baby only to have something out of our hands happen to it. What happens then? You can't just get rid of the child because it has something wrong.

I know MANY people will disagree with my statement. And thats fine. But i wanted to share my opinion. I have known many disabled children/people and there life certainly has a significant value.

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I couldn't agree with statement more, nor could I have written it better bc my emotions would have gotten the best of me. Happy to know there are others with my opinion on this board.

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Posted by Johnny&Maur

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Posted by Monkeybride

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Posted by usuk2004

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Posted by Bunnymonkey

Disabled persons are made out to be even more disabled by all of the pity we put on them. Most disabled persons are very happy - we project onto them this whole 'oh, his life must be so hard!' thing, and truthfully - his life isn't hard...but his parents might be.

For someone to say that they would abort for the sake of the child is selfish - they are aborting to save their own life from being a difficult one.

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I absolutely disagree on this one. I have a cousin who was born with Spina bifida. His life has been HARD and PAINFUL. He has had two legs amputated. He has endured all sorts of surgeries, treatments and procedures. I'm not saying I haven't seen him smile or heard him laugh, but he has suffered immeasurably and he has been depressed about his disability. If I could prevent a child suffering like that, I absolutely would!

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This is why spina bifida was something we would definitley abort over.
I'm sorry that is more than a handicap, that is a cruel and painful existence and it would be for the love of my child that I would abort to save them pain and suffering for many years of their life.

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How do you know there would be a painful and cruel existence?? There are literally hundreds of degrees of spina bifida and no one knows exactly how awful it will be...there are many many children and adults living with spina bifida who are happy and thriving. Check out this link if you have doubts...this is NOT to change minds, i am the last person to push my beliefs on people because I do not like that being done to me. I say this rather to show another side of something that many might consider a horrible disease or illness without really knowing everything there is. Take a look at some of the beautiful children on here who live everyday with it. There lives certainly don't seem awful or cruel.

http://www.waisman.wisc.edu/~rowley/sb-kids/sb_photo.htm

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It wouldn't be an easy decision and I can't say if faced with it for sure we would be able to go through with it but the uncertainty of how severe and debilitating it could be is a risk I don't know if I could take. I couldn't bear to watch my child suffer and be in constant pain.

I honestly don't know how I would measure what severity of a disability I would abort over. Of course I would want many opinions and every test possible to have all the information possible to make an informed decidion should it come to that.

I don't think I would know what to do if that situation was ever presented to me. To abort a baby would be too difficult of a choice for me. To me I fell in love with my baby the moment I got that positive test. I don't know that I could ever abort. But if I found out that without a doubt the child was going to be severly disabled I would have to really reconsider my feelings on abortion. I already have one daughter and I don't know if I would want a disabled child to compromise the life we could give Kiera. I know it's a selfish thing to say but it's how I feel. Raising a disabled child is a lot of work and it affects everyone in the family.

In a sort of related story I know someone who has 2 daughters. The first girl was born 100% healthy. The 2nd one was born with breathing problems and had to have a trach put in at a very young age. For the first 5 or 6 years of this girls life she was in and out of hospitals, fighting every day to live. It took a toll on my friends marriage and they eventually got divorced. But that's because the husband couldn't handle everything and my friend will say she is much better off without him. The point of my story is that the first daughter got very little attention because the parents were always focusing on the sick girl. Now the first girl is 23 and she has severe depression and is anorexic. Why? Because she was always searching for attention and always felt as if both of her parents loved her sister more then her (those are her words not mine). The sick daughter is now living a very happy, healthy life.

That's the impact that a temporary problem had on a family. I can't even begin to imagine the impact of a permentaly disabled child would have. And I know we all say well my DH would be there to help me. But my friend thought the same thing.

It's a very hard choice to make and I hope none of us ever have to make that decision.