If you knew your unborn child would be disabled...

My fiance and I have both worked with severely disabled people.

Disabled persons are made out to be even more disabled by all of the pity we put on them. Most disabled persons are very happy - we project onto them this whole 'oh, his life must be so hard!' thing, and truthfully - his life isn't hard...but his parents might be.

A handicapped person has a spirit just like us, and we are ALL handicapped - their disability is just more noticeable. I have found in my life that handicapped persons are often the most perceptive, loving, and open minded people in a room. Those of us who were born 'normal' are often so emotionally handicapped we could use a little time in a 'special school' ourselves. I am not excluding myself from this statement.

For someone to say that they would abort for the sake of the child is selfish - they are aborting to save their own life from being a difficult one. Give the child a chance at life - he might teach you something about your own handicap.

I am absolutely a pro-choice individual, but for myself, I would never abort a child I made with my husband becasue he is handicapped, and I would love him so deeply and wholly, and without pity - because he would probably teach me more than I could EVER teach him.

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Posted by shorty the pumpkin

I was just thinking about that this morning - I was watching CNN and saw a story about a surrogate Mom for a family that has been TTC for 9 years - through IVF, they implanted 5 fertilized eggs - and THEY ALL WORKED!!!

This surrogate is now carrying 5 babies for a very deserving couple, and they already know that one of the 5 has a serious heart condition. They discussed aborting that baby, but they just couldn't do it.

The surrogate and her DH have decided to forego the $15,000 fee she charges because they know the new family will be up to their necks in medical bills, and it will cost them a fortune to support their new family.

I don't know what I'd do in that situation - but it would take a horrible, horrible disability/deformity for me and FH to consider abortion.

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i heard about that story too!

I don't think i could abort for a reason like that either

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Posted by Bunnymonkey

Disabled persons are made out to be even more disabled by all of the pity we put on them. Most disabled persons are very happy - we project onto them this whole 'oh, his life must be so hard!' thing, and truthfully - his life isn't hard, but his parents is. They have a spirit just like us, and we are ALL handicapped - theirs is just more noticeable.

For someone to say that they would abort for the sake of the child is selfish - they are aborting to save their own life from being a difficult one.

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that is completely FALSE AND NOT ALWAYS TRUE!

You can't speak for most disabled individuals and their status of being happy...

AND we aren't selfish for saying what we would do...You do not know everything there is about 'disabled individuals' so say sucha thing...

AND i do not think it is being SELFISH AT ALL to say that i would NOT want my child to live the life that i see SOOOOOO MANY disabled individuals live.,...AND ia m not being selfish because taking care of them IS MY JOB! I KNOW EXACTLY what some of their lives are like and to say that i wouldn't want my child to live it isn't selfish it is the most unselfish act i can think of!

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Posted by Bunnymonkey

Disabled persons are made out to be even more disabled by all of the pity we put on them. Most disabled persons are very happy - we project onto them this whole 'oh, his life must be so hard!' thing, and truthfully - his life isn't hard...but his parents might be.

For someone to say that they would abort for the sake of the child is selfish - they are aborting to save their own life from being a difficult one.

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I absolutely disagree on this one. I have a cousin who was born with Spina bifida. His life has been HARD and PAINFUL. He has had two legs amputated. He has endured all sorts of surgeries, treatments and procedures. I'm not saying I haven't seen him smile or heard him laugh, but he has suffered immeasurably and he has been depressed about his disability. If I could prevent a child suffering like that, I absolutely would!

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Posted by usuk2004

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Posted by Bunnymonkey

Disabled persons are made out to be even more disabled by all of the pity we put on them. Most disabled persons are very happy - we project onto them this whole 'oh, his life must be so hard!' thing, and truthfully - his life isn't hard...but his parents might be.

For someone to say that they would abort for the sake of the child is selfish - they are aborting to save their own life from being a difficult one.

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I absolutely disagree on this one. I have a cousin who was born with Spina bifida. His life has been HARD and PAINFUL. He has had two legs amputated. He has endured all sorts of surgeries, treatments and procedures. I'm not saying I haven't seen him smile or heard him laugh, but he has suffered immeasurably and he has been depressed about his disability. If I could prevent a child suffering like that, I absolutely would!

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I see your point. In the work that I have done, I have not encountered much of this. I did say MOST children, not ALL.

My point is just this - we all suffer, we are all handicapped. Your cousin suffered physical pain, and it is a natural parental instinct to want to protect a child from EVER having to experience something like this. But all people, all children will feel pain - just in different ways. I know some would not compare emotional turmoil to physical pain, but I do. I think God created people like this for a reason - they do teach us things about ourselves and life, and he often takes them home early - suffering like this usually does not last a lifetime. I truly believe they are brought into certain peoples lives for a reason, and to abort that fate seems wrong to me.

I do respect your opinion on the matter, and I am sorry to hear that your cousin suffered - that was probably very difficult to experience.

I can't believe how relative to my own life some of these LIW postings are.

One of my good friends at work just found out on Friday that her unborn baby has Downs. She's now taking a series of tests to find out what else is wrong with the baby. So far they found out that there is a hole in the heart, though they haven't determined how large the hole is yet.

She is now facing this very same decision that you are all talking about and I can see the anguish on her face. She came back to work today because she said she can't sit home crying anymore, she needs to occupy her mind. Her and her husband already have two very healthy, very young children (a 3 yr old and a 9-month old), and this would effect all of their lives.

It is impossible for me to say right now what I would do in her situation. I can't even begin to imagine what she and her family must be going through. I don't think it is fair for anyone to judge unless they have been in this situation, and even then, everyone's decision is personal and probably the most difficult one they'll have to make.

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Posted by lillian771
Her and her husband already have two very healthy, very young children (a 3 yr old and a 9-month old), and this would effect all of their lives.

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wow, to your friend.

This part of your response is very true, by the way. Especially if the Down's child is older. My MIL neighbors have two little boys, the older one has Down's. The younger does whatever he sees his older brother do...or doesn't for that matter. The younger is 3 and doesn't talk much, I think it's largely because the older brother doesn't...he just points when he wants something. As a Down's child, older also has fewer motor skills than other children his age, he tends to let his tongue hang out of his mouth a bit and the younger one has picked it up too. I really think the little one should be in some kind of nursery school, just to get him out of the house and interacting with other children for part of the day.

That said, perhaps a Down's child may take after his/her older siblings and that may have a positive influence?

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Posted by lillian771

I can't believe how relative to my own life some of these LIW postings are.

One of my good friends at work just found out on Friday that her unborn baby has Downs. She's now taking a series of tests to find out what else is wrong with the baby. So far they found out that there is a hole in the heart, though they haven't determined how large the hole is yet.

She is now facing this very same decision that you are all talking about and I can see the anguish on her face. She came back to work today because she said she can't sit home crying anymore, she needs to occupy her mind. Her and her husband already have two very healthy, very young children (a 3 yr old and a 9-month old), and this would effect all of their lives.

It is impossible for me to say right now what I would do in her situation. I can't even begin to imagine what she and her family must be going through. I don't think it is fair for anyone to judge unless they have been in this situation, and even then, everyone's decision is personal and probably the most difficult one they'll have to make.

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I cannot imagine what your friend is going through. I know she is probably in anguish over the fact that her child will have health/medical problems and need extra care throughout its life. There are two family friends who have a child with downs...there have been numerous challenges but I can tell you that they are the most loving, affectionate and wonderful children. I guess its personal for me because I see all the good things that have come into all their lives (both couples have other healthy children).

I hope your friend is ok, and gets through everything.

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Posted by usuk2004

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Posted by lillian771
Her and her husband already have two very healthy, very young children (a 3 yr old and a 9-month old), and this would effect all of their lives.

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wow, to your friend.

This part of your response is very true, by the way. Especially if the Down's child is older. My MIL neighbors have two little boys, the older one has Down's. The younger does whatever he sees his older brother do...or doesn't for that matter. The younger is 3 and doesn't talk much, I think it's largely because the older brother doesn't...he just points when he wants something. As a Down's child, older also has fewer motor skills than other children his age, he tends to let his tongue hang out of his mouth a bit and the younger one has picked it up too. I really think the little one should be in some kind of nursery school, just to get him out of the house and interacting with other children for part of the day.

That said, perhaps a Down's child may take after his/her older siblings and that may have a positive influence?

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i agree! Children are VERY impressionalble and i think that it is natural that a younger sibling imitates an older one!

But as far as the influencing goes towards the DS sibling....it really depends on the severity of the MR

Just wanted to add that sometimes the testing is WRONG.

My Mother's ob/gyn scared her for 3 months by telling her that her unborn child (my little brother) was going to be born with severe Palsy, and that he'd probably never speak or walk on his own, or anything. They also told her that he had one kidney. She cried every night.

She went the full term w/ that pregnancy, and my brother was born in Sept of 1990 with FULL function, and no sign of CP ---- WITH both kidneys.

He is a happy, healthy, 14 yr old H.S. Freshman in all honors classes, and excels in football, baseball, the french horn, the cello, and a billion other things.

Tests/MDs can be WRONG sometimes!!!

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Posted by shorty the pumpkin

Tests/MDs can be WRONG sometimes!!!

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That's always my thought too.

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Posted by BMD'sPeanut

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Posted by shorty the pumpkin

Tests/MDs can be WRONG sometimes!!!

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That's always my thought too.

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true...but i think as far as this hypothetical is concerned...it is if you KNOW...meaning the test is correct....

My cousin just had a beautiful baby girl on Friday. She has 2 daughters already. Their youngest daughter is an albino and is virtually blind, but is the most amazing child I have ever met. Last year she lost 2 babies. One in the 4th month and the other was stillborn. Emma (their new daughter) had genetic markings that indicated the possibility of Down's. Although they are still doing tests Emma appears to be a normal healthy baby girl. Aborting the child was never an option for them. They have alot of faith. In her opinion God has given her these special children because he knew that she would love them no matter what.


Now, I don't know if I have that much faith. I honestly don't know what we would do in that situation.

I was talking to my sister about this a few weeks ago. We started talking about the huge jump in the autistic population. I almost would rather not know if there was something wrong with my child and leave it to God's hands.

I though about, what if the doctor told us that someday your child is going to have cancer or epilepsy or any number of things? I would love my child no matter what and believe I am not saying it is an easy decision and it certainly is a very personal one. I can't really give an honest response b/c I am not in the situation and hope none of us ever have to be.

This is such a hard decision, I honestly don't know what I'd do. My nephew has Downs and he's the best kid in the world. Would I be able to raise a child like that, I don't know....

A co-worker went thru her pregnancy knowing her child had a heart problem. Her dr didn't know the severity, and said it could probably be corrected after birth. Unfortunately, his little heart gave out, and he didn't make it thru the emergency c-section. My friend and her husband did get to spend a few hours w/their son, and they said it was the most beautiful time they ever spent.

It's a truly tough decision......

DH and I discussed this and we would more than likely abort if it was a quality of life disability.
For this reason we opted for all the prenatal tests available which thank goodness have all been fine.
The frustrating part is that not everything is detected on these tests because they are screening tests and your diagnostic ultrasound is 18-22 weeks which seems so late to abort even though abortions are allowed up to 24 weeks.
That said I think its easier to say what you think you would do until you are faced with having to make that decision, then who knows.

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Posted by usuk2004

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Posted by Bunnymonkey

Disabled persons are made out to be even more disabled by all of the pity we put on them. Most disabled persons are very happy - we project onto them this whole 'oh, his life must be so hard!' thing, and truthfully - his life isn't hard...but his parents might be.

For someone to say that they would abort for the sake of the child is selfish - they are aborting to save their own life from being a difficult one.

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I absolutely disagree on this one. I have a cousin who was born with Spina bifida. His life has been HARD and PAINFUL. He has had two legs amputated. He has endured all sorts of surgeries, treatments and procedures. I'm not saying I haven't seen him smile or heard him laugh, but he has suffered immeasurably and he has been depressed about his disability. If I could prevent a child suffering like that, I absolutely would!

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This is why spina bifida was something we would definitley abort over.
I'm sorry that is more than a handicap, that is a cruel and painful existence and it would be for the love of my child that I would abort to save them pain and suffering for many years of their life.

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Posted by Monkeybride

DH and I discussed this and we would more than likely abort if it was a quality of life disability.
For this reason we opted for all the prenatal tests available which thank goodness have all been fine.
The frustrating part is that not everything is detected on these tests because they are screening tests and your diagnostic ultrasound is 18-22 weeks which seems so late to abort even though abortions are allowed up to 24 weeks.
That said I think its easier to say what you think you would do until you are faced with having to make that decision, then who knows.

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I have a question for you...not to criticize, its because I am curious to know...what do you consider a 'quality of life' disability? I'm just trying to understand what you mean. Something that would prevent the child from walking, talking, functioning in school? Or do you mean severe motor skill impact?

I am trying to understand this. There are so many things that constitute a disability and quality of life can be affected with hundreds of things.