IL help needed... UPDATED on pg 2

I need help.

FSIL has refused to pay for her share of the shower, won’t come to my bachelorette party, won’t get her makeup done with the BP b/c “she has no money.” She’s living with her boyfriend out of state and not working. Aforementioned living arrangement may be temporary. She doesn’t know if she’s going to marry him or even remain with him long-term (at least, that’s what she’s said in the past).

FFIL calls my father at work the other day and says that he’s very limited on funds for the wedding. (The amount they’re giving us is basically covering the band and the flowers). This would have been fine, but my parents and FHs parents agreed to split the costs a year ago.

So anyway, FSIL emails FH the next day. Her boyfriend has 3(!) kids and wants to bring one of them (They’re from out of state). Now, given the fact that FH and I are now responsible for a lot more wedding expenses, I said no on the grounds that we can’t cover an additional person. (Fh doesn’t’ agree, but is backing me on this).

FH’s parents are giving him a hard time about it. They told him how she was crying, and how we should invite fewer people if $$ is such an issue, blah blah blah. He looked miserable after talking to his parents, and I know they’re giving him a guilt trip.

What do I do here? Call FSIL and explain (again, gently?) Call FH’s parents (gently or otherwise?) Email them? Sit quietly? Let FH deal with it?

id tell his parents to pay for her to go!!!!!!!!!!!

people are rediculous!

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Posted by angl2001

id tell his parents to pay for her to go!!!!!!!!!!!

people are rediculous!

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not happening, they're 'out of money.'

That's a tough call for me. I would WANT to say no way, but I know that I'd cave b/c if they are torturing FH and he's getting upset, it's not worth it. But I do totally agree that people are ridiculous. I'm willing to compromise as to not cause a big thing, yet why can't people be the same way toward us.

Good luck.

I totally understand your frustrations with your In-laws, it is unacceptable for them to originally agree to help and then back out.

but honestly, this isn't just some random guest asking to bring thier kid. This is a child related (or however you want to refer to it) to your future SIL. Wedding suck in many way because people reveal their ture colors. But I have learned that you need to pick your battles. While you are marrying your FH you are also becoming a part of their family and these people will be in your lives for many many years. I would try my best to keep things 'cordial' between you all to try and avoid future problems or uncomfortable situations.

More likely than not you will have a bunch of 'No' RSVP's. It's 1 kid. I would suck it up on the kid for now and let it slide. Try and fight battles that are really really important to you!

JMO- coming from a married bride who dealt with all kinds of messy crap like this and worse.

don't you dare call her back and explain anything.

we are not at liberty to be abused and then apologize for other peoples poor behavior and lack of cooth!

I'm so sorry you are in this situation right now I guess my only advice is to try and talk things over with them. I hope things ease up for you all around

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Posted by jeanne08

Does the kid live with FSIL and her 'man? If not then definitely don't invite the kid. Then once you invite the one kid you'll have to invite the other 2.
Are you haveing any other kids attending, if no then you can always use the 'were not inviting any kids'

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all three kids live with him part time, they live with their mothers the rest of the time.

i have some young cousins that i'm inviting, and i'm not uninviting them

if no other kids r going I would tell her this is not a wedding for children and your in laws will have to watch him. If other kids are going then you should tell your FH that his parents can pay the xtra head

Explain to her that you and FH are now covering more expenses and it is simply not in the budget. No further explanation to her is necessary. She should understand financial problems, given her own. As far as FFIL and FMIL, if they feel so strongly that the daughter should be invited then tell them you will invite her in place of one of their friends.

Oh yeah, this is for you , because you sound like you need it!

Why must people insist on causing people unnecessary stress??????????????

JMHO.......if FFIL and or FSIL can't help pay for the additional costs then maybe FSIL, her man, and his kid shouldn't come. Or if she is so hard up on money...and they live out of state...then maybe FSIL could come alone.
It really is unfair of them to throw guilt trips on you and FH...especially since a year ago it was worked out that they would be splitting the cost with your parents. Again...JMHO.

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Posted by figment 107

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Posted by angl2001

id tell his parents to pay for her to go!!!!!!!!!!!

people are rediculous!

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not happening, they're 'out of money.'

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Well so are you because you had to make up the difference from what they promised you..so there!!

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Posted by MrsK2008

don't you dare call her back and explain anything.

we are not at liberty to be abused and then apologize for other peoples poor behavior and lack of cooth!

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well put!!!!

Dont you dare apologize or explain....this is not your problem! Parents agreed to split costs...his cant...so now u pick up slack. Result is...no more people.....call it a compormise if u will...

you need to keep ur foot down on this.... and FH honestly needs to learn to not react and how to deal with his family...you are going to be his WIFE and he should support you....

if you continue this bendy behavior...where u are accomidating ppl who seem to have no real sense of respect for 2 ppl who are trying to pick up the slack and pay fore more than they thought and start a life together...its setting the stage for a relationship with NO BOUNDARIES with the inlaws! You need that as a married couple...any relationship needs it.

Keep ur foot down hun and everyone has to deal....u are 100% right with this. no more ppl....too bad,

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Posted by LauraD419

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Posted by figment 107

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Posted by angl2001

id tell his parents to pay for her to go!!!!!!!!!!!

people are rediculous!

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not happening, they're 'out of money.'

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Well so are you because you had to make up the difference from what they promised you..so there!!

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EXACTLY

As for FSIL...I would say to stand your ground HOWEVER, if it was me, I would call FSIL and explain that though you have unforseen wedding expenses, they can bring the kid and you will figure out a way to work it out. A wedding is a wedding and though you should NOT be put in this position, you will have her in your life FOREVER. One kid is not worth the tension. Though it s ucks that you are giving in.

As for FFIL, that is bull! How can they agree to split it 50/50 then cry broke??? Not fair to anyone! In this situation, I would call FH parents myself. It's hard for FH to be in the middle because I'm sure he is getting a lot of s hit! Just call (or email) and express your concern about the tension in the family. Explain that you agreed (if you have) to let the kid come because you know it is important to FSIL. It is hard because again, you have unforseen wedding expenses (because of THEM ) and figured out a way to have him/her there. Say that you hope they understand why you were reluctant about allowing him/her to attend in the first place because just as she (FSIL) is low on funds, so are you.

My friend just went through almost the EXACT same thing. Just get your point across but make sure to smooth things out at the same time. Family tension lasts a lot longer than the wedding.
Good Luck!

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Posted by FullersBride

I totally understand your frustrations with your In-laws, it is unacceptable for them to originally agree to help and then back out.

but honestly, this isn't just some random guest asking to bring thier kid. This is a child related (or however you want to refer to it) to your future SIL. Wedding suck in many way because people reveal their ture colors. But I have learned that you need to pick your battles. While you are marrying your FH you are also becoming a part of their family and these people will be in your lives for many many years. I would try my best to keep things 'cordial' between you all to try and avoid future problems or uncomfortable situations.

More likely than not you will have a bunch of 'No' RSVP's. It's 1 kid. I would suck it up on the kid for now and let it slide. Try and fight battles that are really really important to you!

JMO- coming from a married bride who dealt with all kinds of messy crap like this and worse.

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I totaly agree with MAria, gotta pick and choose. At least they are not asking to bring all 3 kids, and maybe you can get a child's discount?