Is it wrong that I want to plan my wedding with my mom without any help/input from FMIL?

Original post by wishlist

Mar 09, 2007 06:27 PM

I am just starting to plan my wedding and I am strongly inclined to just do it with my mom. I know there is no way in hell I want his mom there with me when I look for my wedding dress, finally find my wedding dress and have my fittings. His mom is just not my cup of tea-she is pushy, abrasive and wants to be way more involved in my life than I feel necessary and she doesn't respect boundaries. My mom, on the other hand, is polite, loving and respectful of boundaries. I just don't feel the need to involve her in my special day, because I know she will cause trouble and drama. She already told me she can't wait to be 'one of the girls' because she hasn't daughters and she has already said she would be hurt if she doesn't come to my bachelorette party. Uh, hell no. FMILs don't come to bachelorette parties. They go to wedding showers, but I am not having one, just cause it isn't my style. Has anyone else been in this pickle?

july06bride Posted: Mar 11, 2007 04:57 PM

Re: Is it wrong that I want to plan my wedding with my mom without any help/input from FMIL?

Posted by wishlist

Hey fathers play just a big a role in raising their sons as the mothers do. I think people forget that and make it all about the FMIL.

yes, you are right about that

Bride4Mike07 Posted: Mar 11, 2007 05:33 PM

Re: Is it wrong that I want to plan my wedding with my mom without any help/input from FMIL?

FANGIRL, used to post practically the same exact thing you wrote, and than eventually she got kicked outta the site, did you makeup a new user name??

Ok...someone please fill me in....What's wrong w/ writing about one's problems w/ FH, FMIL, or anyone for that matter? Will that get a person kicked out??? Or is it the language that got Fangirl out of the boards? Just curious......
Well to answer your ? wishlist, I would go w/ what YOU want to do. I haven't involved my FMIL in any decision making. The only thing I told FMIL to do was to get baby pics of FH and make preparations for the Rehearal Dinner. She has asked if we needed anything and I told FH to tell her that if anything comes up, we will ask her for that help, otherwise, we got things covered. I wouldn't want her to see me in my dress or make other decisions unless SHE's the one paying for them....so in my case, FMIL, as much as we like each other, she's clueless about the wedding details. She doesn't even know the theme. It wasn't until last week that she found out where the wedding was! LOL In any case....Good luck to you!

kat74 Posted: Mar 11, 2007 05:44 PM

Re: Is it wrong that I want to plan my wedding with my mom without any help/input from FMIL?

Posted by Bride4Mike07

FANGIRL, used to post practically the same exact thing you wrote, and than eventually she got kicked outta the site, did you makeup a new user name??

Ok...someone please fill me in....What's wrong w/ writing about one's problems w/ FH, FMIL, or anyone for that matter? Will that get a person kicked out??? Or is it the language that got Fangirl out of the boards? Just curious......

It wasn't the topic exactly-- it was the tone and what was said. it became somewhat confrontational

jny4eva Posted: Mar 11, 2007 07:10 PM

Re: Is it wrong that I want to plan my wedding with my mom without any help/input from FMIL?

Posted by mnucci

Posted by jny4eva

Well I'm not including my FMIL in anything. If she wants to help him out in his things then that's all her. But I don't feel like I owe her anything. And the man the my FH is today is thanks to me!!! When I came into his life I pushed him to do something with himself she never pushed him for anything!!! She was perfectly happy letting him do whatever he wanted instead of trying to steer him in the right path. And since she's not paying for ANY of the wedding she has NO say!!!

OMG WE MUST HAVE THE SAME LIFE lol -- because that is exactly what is going on with me too. She ALWAYS told him that it was ok that he didnt work hard in school because 'school isnt for everyone'..I was the one who pushed him to make something of himself... UGH I CANT STAND HER! Seriously, who sets their kid up for failure like that...its her job to tell him he can do whatever he wants if he works hard....not say 'its okay to slack'

Oh good someone that understands where I'm coming from. I don't take the whole credit for everything he is today because he did the work. But I was the one that pushed him. I have to say that he's always been a hard working man so that was already a good thing but I made him see how important an education is these days so he went to school got his bs and now has his career and at the same time going for his masters. My FMIL though had nothing to do with him going back to school and it bother's me that she never encouraged him to better himself but now that he did all of sudden she wants to enjoy in his success. I respect her as his mother but don't care enough for her to include her in MY wedding which she doesn't even know anything about since no one in her family has ever been married including her. Instead of a help she would probably be a burden. Can't you tell I have a lot of built up anger to release?

soon2BMrsMcD Posted: Mar 11, 2007 07:08 PM

Re: Is it wrong that I want to plan my wedding with my mom without any help/input from FMIL?

Posted by luvabul

FANGIRL, used to post practically the same exact thing you wrote, and than eventually she got kicked outta the site, did you makeup a new user name??

I was JUST thinking the SAME thing!!

I smell a liar here...sorry

jellybean1420 Posted: Mar 12, 2007 02:23 AM

Re: Is it wrong that I want to plan my wedding with my mom without any help/input from FMIL?

I was like that as well. I didnt want to involve a lot of people in picking out my dress and alterations. I did in the beginning and it was a pain in the a$$ b/c everyone put in their two cents and it only made it more difficult. It would be nice gesture to invite your MIL to see the dress after you have chosen it, maybe for one of your alterations to help make her feel included. And the bachelorette party is an 'old-school' way of thinking. My mom and aunts thought they were coming to my bachelorette party b/c that is what they did. I put my foot down on that pretty quick. Great, if you want them there, but if not don't let them push you into it.

PeteysBride Posted: Mar 12, 2007 07:28 AM

Re: Is it wrong that I want to plan my wedding with my mom without any help/input from FMIL?

I lucked out with my FMIL-she is wacky but means well most of the time. I know many people don't luck out. It ***** because it is your day and frankly you should have most of what you want. however with that said..

This is your FH's mother, your soon-to-be mother-in-law. She is about to become a part of your family and frankly, most men are VERY attached to their mothers so you want to be careful how you address her, because it might cause issues in your life with him if he feels you 'snubbed' his mon, especially because she has has no daughters of her own.

I think it would be a nice effort on your part to include her in some of your wedding plans. You don't have to take her along to everything, but maybe she could go to your dress fitting, or you could take her to see the dress once you've picked it out. I understand not wanting ehr to go the bachelorette party. Maybe you caan have a future-mom and daughter night-go out and get pedicures and manicures and have dinner-something fun but still within boundaries.

Good luck!

wishlist Posted: Mar 12, 2007 12:12 PM

Re: Is it wrong that I want to plan my wedding with my mom without any help/input from FMIL?

I am keeping the dress a secret until the big day and I don't see FMIL as my future mom. I see her as FH's mom and my mother in law, but certainly not my mom. I already have one of those.

jny4eva Posted: Mar 12, 2007 02:58 PM

Re: Is it wrong that I want to plan my wedding with my mom without any help/input from FMIL?

I agree with you wishlist. I even told him at one point long before we were engaged that if we ever got married I would respect her as his mother but I would never look at her like my mother or love her like one. Yes it's true that when we get married I become a member of his family and he becomes a member of mine but that's where it ends for me. Our families will not unite because we come from very different family backgrounds and I want to keep our families seperate.

wishlist Posted: Mar 12, 2007 03:24 PM

Re: Is it wrong that I want to plan my wedding with my mom without any help/input from FMIL?

I agree with you as well. I could never love FMIL like a mother nor would I want to and I very much intend to keep the familie seperate

soon2BMrsMcD Posted: Mar 12, 2007 05:16 PM

Re: Is it wrong that I want to plan my wedding with my mom without any help/input from FMIL?

looks like someone made two accounts!!!

faithandkevin Posted: Mar 12, 2007 05:20 PM

Re: Is it wrong that I want to plan my wedding with my mom without any help/input from FMIL?

Posted by wishlist

I am keeping the dress a secret until the big day and I don't see FMIL as my future mom. I see her as FH's mom and my mother in law, but certainly not my mom. I already have one of those.

Who is saying you have to see her as your MOM? Obviously you have your own mom, just being nice to her doesn't mean she's your mom!

jgl Posted: Mar 12, 2007 05:55 PM

Re: Is it wrong that I want to plan my wedding with my mom without any help/input from FMIL?

I can see these relationships becoming SEVERLY strained. Unfortunelty, you will be dealing with your FMIL's for the rest of your married life. If at some point in time you don't work this out or come to some understanding, you will be forever having this argument with FH when things come up.

When it comes time when you have a baby, when it comes time for family get togethers and at some point TRUST me as long as FH still cares to have contact with his mother, you will be arguing because he is going to want you to compromise ans suck it up.

So fix it now..

Thats my advice, do what you will with it!

TLC1018 Posted: Mar 12, 2007 06:21 PM

Re: Is it wrong that I want to plan my wedding with my mom without any help/input from FMIL?

I am with you! I feel the exact same way about my future in-laws, the less I have to be near them, the better. All they do is create drama, and I cannot stand them. Your mom and mine sound the same! I swear I could have written this post myself!!!

july06bride Posted: Mar 12, 2007 06:29 PM

Re: Is it wrong that I want to plan my wedding with my mom without any help/input from FMIL?

Posted by faithandkevin

Posted by wishlist

I am keeping the dress a secret until the big day and I don't see FMIL as my future mom. I see her as FH's mom and my mother in law, but certainly not my mom. I already have one of those.

Who is saying you have to see her as your MOM? Obviously you have your own mom, just being nice to her doesn't mean she's your mom!

Exactly!

No one told you she is replacing your mom- no one has said you have to love her as much as your mom... what some of us are simply trying to say is that it wouldn't be SOOO bad to be nice to her! As long as your DH wants his mom in his life- that means she is in YOUR life! As evil as some MILs can be, it takes the bigger person to be nice...at least DH will be able to see that you are trying and she doesn't respond to it, so be it...

jny4eva Posted: Mar 12, 2007 09:59 PM

Re: Is it wrong that I want to plan my wedding with my mom without any help/input from FMIL?

well my FMIL and I do get along good. She's nice to me and I'm nice to her and she has never given me the impression that she doesn't like me. I just like to keep a certain distance because I see the type of person she is, if you give her too much confidence then she will get too comfortable with you and I don't like that either. I like the relationship her and I have now she respects me and I respect her. I still don't plan on including her in my preparations. I'm going to a food tasting next week that FH can't make it to and he asked me if I could take her with me and I said fine which I'm dreading but he already warned her to keep her comments to herself because I'm going to be there with my family and he knows how we are.