I've been labeled 'The Jew' by DH's extended family

WARNING: This might be a long one! I apologize in advanced and I appreciate everyone's time to just even read this novel.

DH is Roman Catholic and I am Jewish (mom's Jewish, dad's Roman Catholic, but I was Bat Mitzvah-ed). DH's family hasn't really held it against me. Actually the first time going to dinner with the IL's my MIL told me 'we have no problem with Jewish people'. HAHA! Yeah, she's kinda a nut job. ANYWAY, MIL's family is as dysfuncational as they come. I'm not going to get into all her dirty laundry but it's definitely a family that you have to stay on your toes.

Well during our wedding week MIL's sister (DH's aunt) decided that she wasn't coming to the wedding because her husband had to have rotator cuff surgery that he put off 3 times already. Ok, you need surgery, understandable and I'm not a cold person BUT you don't know until the week of the wedding? DH's aunt doesn't call us or contact us AT ALL! She calls MIL to tell her that the husband isn't coming due to surgery and she MIGHT come, she isn't sure. We have FB, phones, emails, all access for her to contact us and yet she calls MIL. And these people are supposed to be grown up? (BTW MIL and her sister DO NOT GET ALONG IN ANYWAY! They pretty much hate each other and I don't mean in a sisterly way). ANYWAY, 2 days before the wedding the aunt calls MIL back and says 'ok I'm coming and I'm not sure about (husband).' Now it's a FREAKING family BBQ! Turns out she was only coming because Grandma and Grandpa yelled at her that she has to come.

Her daughter didn't show up at my bridal shower (after RSVPing yes) because she 'wasn't feeling well' and then the aunt proceeded to ask how much the plate was so she could pay for it.

He daughters didn't come to SIL's wedding because they had to work.

Now, I couldn't come to her daughter's baby shower because my closest cousin from Philly's bachelorette party was that weekend in the city and I planned the whole thing, on top of being a bridesmaid. That is the ONLY thing I have ever missed! PLUS, I didn't get an invite because she forgot about me, so I didn't get one until a week before the shower. Can we say B-List? So apparently MIL's sister had a HUGE problem with that and flipped out!

BTW, I need to add that for EVERY gift they gave DH and I for engagement, shower, wedding were all regifts from the daughter who didn't come to my shower/the one with the baby shower. EVERY SINGLE one was a re-gift! They NEVER bought ANYTHING new!!!

AND I have to say while she helped DH with my e-ring she fudged it up so much that I lost 2 diamonds, 1 within a day of wearing it and my jeweler said I was about to loose my center stone! According to him the diamonds are flawless but the setting was a half a** job! AND she talked DH into getting platinum because my wedding band was platinum (she looked at the wedding band). This woman is supposed to be in the jewelry field and anyone can tell my wedding band is white gold not platinum.

Now to present day. The other daugther just got engaged. I planned on going with DH to his cousins engagement party since she and him were close when they were younger and she tends to s*ck less then her mom and sister. THEN last week I found out that there is a list at his uncles house (MIL's brother who is pretty much butt buddies with MIL's sister) of everyone's names and excuses on why they won't be coming to the engagement party. I even made the list but instead of my name they put 'The Jew'. I would think it's a joke except for things that they say all the time before they knew I was Jewish. Grandma and Grandpa didn't come to our engagement party before they got to know me because their grandson was marrying a Jewish girl.

I am so sorry this is long and TRUST me I can go on and on about how many more bad things they have done to me as an individual or to DH's family. I thank you for reading the LONG vent and applaude those who read the whole thing! I'm not even proof reading it since it's too long HAHA!

So my question is...should I go to the engagement party? MIL isn't going because of many different reason, the list being one of them being that her sister helped their brother make it. The excuse next to 'The Jew' says 'sinus infection'. I'm insulted that they would even make this list but then to be called 'The Jew' is uncalled for. What would you do?

Thanks again!

Now do I RSVP the following way:

1. Tell them I can't come because I plan on having a sinus infection that day

2. Tell them that it is a Jewish holiday (although the party is in a Jewish temple...go figure)

3. Go and ask what my cut of the bet is because apparently they were wrong

4. Tell them I'm not coming and to save on an invite and bridal shower invite because I will not be associating myself with people who label me.

I can overlook a lot of things. Dealing with these types of people it just gets worse without saying anything or defending myself. I'm SO stuck! All I want to do is FREAK on them! I know I'm better then them but you can only ignore ignorance so much before them going too far.

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Posted by ourwedding9510

Now do I RSVP the following way:

1. Tell them I can't come because I plan on having a sinus infection that day

2. Tell them that it is a Jewish holiday (although the party is in a Jewish temple...go figure)

3. Go and ask what my cut of the bet is because apparently they were wrong

4. Tell them I'm not coming and to save on an invite and bridal shower invite because I will not be associating myself with people who label me.

I can overlook a lot of things. Dealing with these types of people it just gets worse without saying anything or defending myself. I'm SO stuck! All I want to do is FREAK on them! I know I'm better then them but you can only ignore ignorance so much before them going too far.

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What does DH say about this? I would let him RSVP and also let his family know that they can not disrespect you like that.

I would have DH call out his Aunt/Uncle on this one and not attend ONE SINGLE EVENT they host until they both call YOU not your MIL and apologize.

That is so insulting and completely inappropriate.

Oh and I'd regift every single thing for them and their children for the rest of their lives

Wow, ok. I don't really know WHAT to say...because this is such an extremely tough situation. I'm so sorry that they are putting you through this though

I absolutely think that SOMEONE needs to be confronted about the issue though.

WOW...

i dont really know what to tell you other than i would absolutely make an excuse and not go...

hmm..go & give a jewish gift. like a Mezuzah or like a jewish wine.
if they want to play like that.
ogo on ebay and buy something used.

I'm going to talk to DH tonight and find out how to approach this situation and how to RSVP. DH is a VERY quiet person and would probably rather just not speak to them then anything but this has gotten too insulting to just sit and watch it happen.

Thanks girls for your support. I wasn't sure if I was being small for not going but it makes sense not to go and tell them to bit me LOL!

PS - I already plan on re-gifting most gifts and even some they gave to me back to them!

wow whaat does DH say about all of this? If they are against jews, why are they having it at a temple?? was a sinus infection a comment about jews having big noses? why would they even have some mock list of names and excuses? do they not want people to go? that list sounds very junior high.

DH isn't happy about it because he knows how unhappy I am about it. But he's one of those people who just stays quiet and pretends it doesn't exist when it's all i've been thinking about since Friday when I found out.

The temple was probably the cheapest place I guess. I have no idea why they are having it there. If I were a little more crazy about this I would call up the temple and tell them they are catering to anti-semits! But I'm not THAT crazy!

I didn't even think of the sinus infection and nose thing. They just seem to think people don't come to their parties with lame excuses when we come to everything but one party and they come to nothing! They think they are funny but seriously, I'm about to lose it on them.

DH's family gets stepped on and spit at all the time time by these people and they never defend themselves and it just keeps going on and on and on and getting worse. I've kept my mouth shut but not it's directed towards me!!!! I'm trying to ignore it but I can't!

wow...

im not sure if i would go, BUT keep in mind unfortunately, this is ur extended family now and even if you skip out on this... there will be other events to attend to in the future..

i think i wouldnt go to this event, BUT i would seriously talk to DH and have a FIRM conversation about how this makes you feel and how its just not that funny- with that maybe talk to his family or ifg not comfortable have him do it... (unless he has already)

how does your DH feel about this, or does he just laugh it off? again, this is not going to be your only event that happens so i would DEF approach this situation now.. let them know this is not ok. you are part of the family now, no matter what religion you are... this is you and your husband and you dont deserve comments from them... EVER.

you may have already done this.. just thinking what i would do first but if you have already.. i wouldnt go to like anything.. lol

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Posted by kimmy02

wow...

im not sure if i would go, BUT keep in mind unfortunately, this is ur extended family now and even if you skip out on this... there will be other events to attend to in the future..

i think i wouldnt go to this event, BUT i would seriously talk to DH and have a FIRM conversation about how this makes you feel and how its just not that funny- with that maybe talk to his family or ifg not comfortable have him do it... (unless he has already)

how does your DH feel about this, or does he just laugh it off? again, this is not going to be your only event that happens so i would DEF approach this situation now.. let them know this is not ok. you are part of the family now, no matter what religion you are... this is you and your husband and you dont deserve comments from them... EVER.

you may have already done this.. just thinking what i would do first but if you have already.. i wouldnt go to like anything.. lol

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Thanks so much! This is very helpful. DH's family is on a cruise so I can't really talk to them so I guess this gives me and DH a week to figure out what should be done and then we will tell MIL. He is extremely hurt and p*ssed. I'm the person he loves and his wife and he knows no one should say that. He doesn't laugh it off anymore because he sees how often it happens. He actually just looks at me with eyes like 'O CR*P she's gonna kill someone'. HAHA! It's just so frustrating that people are still so ignorant!

I have plenty of problems with my family (my mom's side) and certain people I have decided to cut out. I'm 27 years old and while family might be blood, it does not give anyone a right to disrespect anyone! I have no problem refusing any invite these people convey. I also informed MIL on Friday that if I go to my baby shower (when we have kids) and I see her sister, I'll leave. I'm not surrounding myself with people who cannot look past my religion. It's not only an insult to me, but an insult to my mom's family, my mom, and my sisters!

I know what it's like to be labeled.
A white Unitarian with Christian tones marrying a Bengali Muslim guy...girl, I KNOW what you're going through.

I really think your DH needs to step up and say something. My DH was passive with things (mind you, this all came to a head while we were dating) and I gave him the ultimate ultimatum: SAY SOMETHING or I'M LEAVING YOU. Obviously, this isn't as harsh a situation...I really do think that since it's coming from his side of the family, it's his job to say something.

It might make for a few awkward family events, but eventually people will either get over it or focus their energy on bothering someone else.

I'm really sorry you're going through this. It's not easy, and if you need to talk to someone who has dealt with/sometimes continues to deal with this, feel free to FM me.

Thanks Kris! As much as it s*cks going through something like this, it's 'nice' (for lack of a better term) to know I'm not alone.

Like I said DH and I are going to talk about it tonight. It's not his immediate family so I really won't see people that often especially since his mom hates his aunt and vice versa. PLUS, if I'm not comfortable going to things, then I just won't go, for me it's that simple. Reason Linda's not here 'because you made her feel uncomfortable and unwelcomed into the family.'

I just wish I could scream and yell at these people but you're all right, DH should say something. I just hope he's not too passive when he does.

I'd go... I'd be on my best behavior, I'd smile and laugh and be pleasant...

I'd give them a card and sign it
DH& 'the jew'

let them see that you KNOW they call you that and make them think that it doesn't effect you.

they are just DISGUSTING people. and really need to be put in their spot.

even if its the daughter/nieces engagement party... I'd imagine she knows they call you that, and if she didn't.. she'd likely mention it to her mother who would be embarrassed over it.

ummmm wow
beyond that I have no idea even what to say.....
in this day and age to do things like that is just absurd to me, cant even understand how someone can act like that

honestly I wouldnt associate myself w/these ppl extended family or not - always knowing what they really think of u would be too insulting to me to even look at them