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I've been labeled 'The Jew' by DH's extended family

Original post by ourwedding9510

WARNING: This might be a long one! I apologize in advanced and I appreciate everyone's time to just even read this novel.

DH is Roman Catholic and I am Jewish (mom's Jewish, dad's Roman Catholic, but I was Bat Mitzvah-ed). DH's family hasn't really held it against me. Actually the first time going to dinner with the IL's my MIL told me 'we have no problem with Jewish people'. HAHA! Yeah, she's kinda a nut job. ANYWAY, MIL's family is as dysfuncational as they come. I'm not going to get into all her dirty laundry but it's definitely a family that you have to stay on your toes.

Well during our wedding week MIL's sister (DH's aunt) decided that she wasn't coming to the wedding because her husband had to have rotator cuff surgery that he put off 3 times already. Ok, you need surgery, understandable and I'm not a cold person BUT you don't know until the week of the wedding? DH's aunt doesn't call us or contact us AT ALL! She calls MIL to tell her that the husband isn't coming due to surgery and she MIGHT come, she isn't sure. We have FB, phones, emails, all access for her to contact us and yet she calls MIL. And these people are supposed to be grown up? (BTW MIL and her sister DO NOT GET ALONG IN ANYWAY! They pretty much hate each other and I don't mean in a sisterly way). ANYWAY, 2 days before the wedding the aunt calls MIL back and says 'ok I'm coming and I'm not sure about (husband).' Now it's a FREAKING family BBQ! Turns out she was only coming because Grandma and Grandpa yelled at her that she has to come.

Her daughter didn't show up at my bridal shower (after RSVPing yes) because she 'wasn't feeling well' and then the aunt proceeded to ask how much the plate was so she could pay for it.

He daughters didn't come to SIL's wedding because they had to work.

Now, I couldn't come to her daughter's baby shower because my closest cousin from Philly's bachelorette party was that weekend in the city and I planned the whole thing, on top of being a bridesmaid. That is the ONLY thing I have ever missed! PLUS, I didn't get an invite because she forgot about me, so I didn't get one until a week before the shower. Can we say B-List? So apparently MIL's sister had a HUGE problem with that and flipped out!

BTW, I need to add that for EVERY gift they gave DH and I for engagement, shower, wedding were all regifts from the daughter who didn't come to my shower/the one with the baby shower. EVERY SINGLE one was a re-gift! They NEVER bought ANYTHING new!!!

AND I have to say while she helped DH with my e-ring she fudged it up so much that I lost 2 diamonds, 1 within a day of wearing it and my jeweler said I was about to loose my center stone! According to him the diamonds are flawless but the setting was a half a** job! AND she talked DH into getting platinum because my wedding band was platinum (she looked at the wedding band). This woman is supposed to be in the jewelry field and anyone can tell my wedding band is white gold not platinum.

Now to present day. The other daugther just got engaged. I planned on going with DH to his cousins engagement party since she and him were close when they were younger and she tends to s*ck less then her mom and sister. THEN last week I found out that there is a list at his uncles house (MIL's brother who is pretty much butt buddies with MIL's sister) of everyone's names and excuses on why they won't be coming to the engagement party. I even made the list but instead of my name they put 'The Jew'. I would think it's a joke except for things that they say all the time before they knew I was Jewish. Grandma and Grandpa didn't come to our engagement party before they got to know me because their grandson was marrying a Jewish girl.

I am so sorry this is long and TRUST me I can go on and on about how many more bad things they have done to me as an individual or to DH's family. I thank you for reading the LONG vent and applaude those who read the whole thing! I'm not even proof reading it since it's too long HAHA!

So my question is...should I go to the engagement party? MIL isn't going because of many different reason, the list being one of them being that her sister helped their brother make it. The excuse next to 'The Jew' says 'sinus infection'. I'm insulted that they would even make this list but then to be called 'The Jew' is uncalled for. What would you do?

Thanks again!

allornil Posted:

Re: I've been labeled 'The Jew' by DH's extended family

are you freaking kidding? i so had to crash here.

im Jewish and my FH's family is Latin. never have they insulted me, my upbringing or my religion in any way. in fact, FMIL once called me bc she heard it was a jewish holiday from someone and wanted to wish me happy holiday, oddly it was something obscure I wouldn't celebrate but the sentiment was really nice.

i'm confrontational so i would call them on it. i dont care what you are. I hate when people hate. jew, gay, fat, skinny..i dont care. its wrong.

cut yourself off from that poison if a family. if FH wont do it, be tough and say, 'I'm sorry but your narrow minded hateful attitude disgusts me.'

dont go to anything of theirs. they dont deserve your presence.
PeterNina Mom Posted:

Re: I've been labeled 'The Jew' by DH's extended family

It is terrible that people still feel this way in this day and age but it happens. I am Italian/Catholic and my DH is Jewish (my sons are from my first marriage so they are Italian/Catholic too). My brother is also married to a Jewish woman who I love!!! A few years back we reunited with a cousin that we haven't seen in YEARS and at first it was nice to be back in touch. Then he started referring to my husband as 'that jew she married'. I was so insulted that I decided that I wanted nothing to do with him and haven't seen him since...figured there was a reason we lost touch in the first place and didn't want some one in my life that was such a bigot and didn't like my husband who happens to be a fabulous guy.
With that said, I wouldn't blame you for not going to the party. People are soo stupid!!!
halfbaked Posted:

Re: I've been labeled 'The Jew' by DH's extended family

Absolutely don't go. I wouldn't even effing bother RSVPing. Or better yet, RSVP yes and don't show up because you suddenly had a sinus infection. Effing asssholes!
jettahot Posted:

Re: I've been labeled 'The Jew' by DH's extended family

had to crash, sorry
I am appaulled and think that is disgusting.
Can we say racist?
What does your FH think about this?
I would def not go and would honestly be crushed. Its 2010 people, The Jew, really?!?!?
Im so sorry honey!
Michy2009 Posted:

Re: I've been labeled 'The Jew' by DH's extended family

Posted by Im_My_Own_Princess

I'd go... I'd be on my best behavior, I'd smile and laugh and be pleasant...

I'd give them a card and sign it
DH& 'the jew'

let them see that you KNOW they call you that and make them think that it doesn't effect you.

they are just DISGUSTING people. and really need to be put in their spot.

even if its the daughter/nieces engagement party... I'd imagine she knows they call you that, and if she didn't.. she'd likely mention it to her mother who would be embarrassed over it.


This is exactly what I was going to say!! Sorry you are going through this..people suck.
fdnybride163 Posted:

Re: I've been labeled 'The Jew' by DH's extended family

thats so obnoxious!

Im torn with advice. You could go the childish way and stoop to their level with all the great ideas other girls have suggested, but then it goes to playing their game and they will never learn.

OR you could just say 'listen cut the shi^t right now and grow up. I dont really care if you want to play tit for tat but we are not going to continue our lives like this because we will be seeing each other at holidays and other family events' let them know you are aware of their petty list and how stupid they are and make sure you DH stands beside you in agreement.

*its not even a matter of the actual name they called you, its the disrepect factor and the hs drama that no one our age should deal with
ourwedding9510 Posted:

Re: I've been labeled 'The Jew' by DH's extended family

We don't see them for holidays or only weddings and things having to do with weddings. SIL is married so our family is done. I'm not even kidding when I said MIL and her sister hate each other and don't really speak so it's just weddings that everyone invites because they HAVE to invite them.

DH said he's going to email his cousin and tell her we're not coming to the engagement party. I'm not sure what he is going to say but I'm going to make sure he understands that he needs to speak to his aunt and his uncle about this list and what I have been called.
mariedsgn Posted:

Re: I've been labeled 'The Jew' by DH's extended family

Wow that is awful! I really don't understand people at all! Sorry you are going through this.

fdnybride163 Posted:

Re: I've been labeled 'The Jew' by DH's extended family

yes that is the most important part. It almost seems like they want to invite you to all the times that youhave to buy a gift! you should give them back as a gift everything that you got for them that you know is a regift. and see if they call you out on it! Stand your ground and make it known that names like that are references are totally not acceptable. You dont want to rock the boat but you certainly want to push them out!
Ray8183 Posted:

Re: I've been labeled 'The Jew' by DH's extended family

kimmy02 Posted:

Re: I've been labeled 'The Jew' by DH's extended family

Posted by ourwedding9510



DH said he's going to email his cousin and tell her we're not coming to the engagement party. I'm not sure what he is going to say but I'm going to make sure he understands that he needs to speak to his aunt and his uncle about this list and what I have been called.





yes, i agree!!!! it needs to be said. we all know you cant change ppl, especially ppl with ridiculous views and lack of respect, BUT it does need to be said.

i know i personally would feel better if the situation was addressed, but having the understanding that they probably wont change, but I or my husband would have at least said something... maybe... just mayyybbeeee it will stop them from acting this way in the future.. slim chance but peace of mind for me.
good luck!!
flibbertigibbet Posted:

Re: I've been labeled 'The Jew' by DH's extended family

Now see... THIS 'Jew'-word-included remark IS offensive.



Fk these people.
bluj786 Posted:

Re: I've been labeled 'The Jew' by DH's extended family

Posted by Im_My_Own_Princess

I'd go... I'd be on my best behavior, I'd smile and laugh and be pleasant...

I'd give them a card and sign it
DH& 'the jew'

let them see that you KNOW they call you that and make them think that it doesn't effect you.

they are just DISGUSTING people. and really need to be put in their spot.

even if its the daughter/nieces engagement party... I'd imagine she knows they call you that, and if she didn't.. she'd likely mention it to her mother who would be embarrassed over it.


ITA.

i would do that, if i was put in this kinda situation. show them they you know and that they arent getting to you. and kill them with kindness, thats whats gunna kill them. they wanna play that game, play it right back!

im sorry that you even have to deal with this. hang in there!
miamimerger Posted:

Re: I've been labeled 'The Jew' by DH's extended family



My mom is a Born-Again Christian, and DH's family is Jewish. You better believe if she said anything remotely insulting about DH or his family, I would talk to her immediately about it. Luckily, my mom has always been respectful, and DH and I are not shy to say what we are thinking. I think it also helps that my dad's family is Jewish (my parents are divorced), and my mom is pretty respectful of various cultures/religions.

If I were in your shoes, I would personally talk to the people responsible for making that list (I think you said it was your DH's aunt), and I would bring DH with me. Since you said DH keeps quiet about things like this, I would want to show him how much it really HURTS to say something like that when I confront the aunt, and that it's not something that can be swept under a rug. Also, standing up for yourself can help nip future situations in the bud so that they know it's not OK to do something like this.


I'm sorry you are going through this!
HSsweethearts Posted:

Re: I've been labeled 'The Jew' by DH's extended family

Wow. That's really difficult.

I've seen this going both ways actually as I'm Catholic and FH is Jewish. Some members of my extended family went out of their way to say things like 'He's so nice, for a Jew', thinking they were being nice. I often find that the people, like in yout DH's family who feel the need to go out of their way to say 'I have no problem with X group' actually do have a problem with it, or why would you even think about it?

When FH and I got engaged we were told not to tell FH's grandfather because it might kill him because I'm not Jewish.

Those are just 2 small examples, so I know how painful these things can be.

When you're describing it, it sounds like you're trying to say it's a small thing, but it's absolutely not. It's demeaning and degrading, and IMO, neither you nor your DH should have anything to do with these people.

Maybe there's a certan level you will tolerate, but then what if they start to call your children names, or say disaparging things about or to your children? I've learned the hard way over and over, unfortunately, to just stay away from these people.
CarolAnn721 Posted:

Re: I've been labeled 'The Jew' by DH's extended family

I would go. Re-gift something and sign the card ~The Jew without the sinus infection

ourwedding9510 Posted:

Re: I've been labeled 'The Jew' by DH's extended family

Posted by HSsweethearts

Wow. That's really difficult.

I've seen this going both ways actually as I'm Catholic and FH is Jewish. Some members of my extended family went out of their way to say things like 'He's so nice, for a Jew', thinking they were being nice. I often find that the people, like in yout DH's family who feel the need to go out of their way to say 'I have no problem with X group' actually do have a problem with it, or why would you even think about it?

When FH and I got engaged we were told not to tell FH's grandfather because it might kill him because I'm not Jewish.

Those are just 2 small examples, so I know how painful these things can be.

When you're describing it, it sounds like you're trying to say it's a small thing, but it's absolutely not. It's demeaning and degrading, and IMO, neither you nor your DH should have anything to do with these people.

Maybe there's a certan level you will tolerate, but then what if they start to call your children names, or say disaparging things about or to your children? I've learned the hard way over and over, unfortunately, to just stay away from these people.


Thanks! I do want to clarify a couple things you said though just so it's not taken out of context.

My MIL didn't say 'we have no problem with Jewish people' in a bad way and that was 4 years ago, the second time I ever met her. She's a sweet woman (as much as I want to ring her neck most of the time) but it wasn't meant badly.

Also, I can see how you may take it that I was down playing the situation but I was actually trying to NOT make it sound down played because it's a huge deal.

Thank you everyone for your words and kindness. They have helped a lot and DH are going to talk about it tonight and figure out how 'The Jew' is going to respond. I did already tell him that I will NEVER go to anything these people invite me to until I AT LEAST have an apology!

My cousins (Jewish side) have made comments before without even thinking that have offended DH. I have told them to knock it off and I have taken care of it. They don't mention things anymore and know how happy DH makes me. I've defended him, now he can do the same.
ourwedding9510 Posted:

Re: I've been labeled 'The Jew' by DH's extended family

Posted by CarolAnn721

I would go. Re-gift something and sign the card ~The Jew without the sinus infection


HAHA! I would LOVE to but to be honest, I thought about it and I just don't feel comfortable going. I'll mail the gift though and sign the card just like that!
CarolAnn721 Posted:

Re: I've been labeled 'The Jew' by DH's extended family

Posted by ourwedding9510

Posted by CarolAnn721

I would go. Re-gift something and sign the card ~The Jew without the sinus infection


HAHA! I would LOVE to but to be honest, I thought about it and I just don't feel comfortable going. I'll mail the gift though and sign the card just like that!


People s*ck!! I don't blame you for not wanted to go, but they need to be called out and know that you know and it's disrespectful to you!! Definitely sign the card inappropriately. What stinks is that his cousin now suffers for the actions of her parents. It could have been a nice night out for you, but I am sure you can find an extra spatula or something to send. Maybe buy this card also!!!

little j Posted:

Re: I've been labeled 'The Jew' by DH's extended family

on the flip side, you could say you 'wouldnt miss it for the world' and just go and sneeze all over people


but seriously...how rude are these people!!??!?! im sorry chica!

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