Kind of Sensitive...need advice!!!

As some of you know I was married b4 for less than a year about 10 years ago. I started the annulment process in 2004 and have gone thru everything...their recommendation was for counseling which we've begun (FH & I). The priest in the diocese wants the counselor to get back to him w/ a report after 8-10 sessions (well if we kept going once a week, that would be the end of April)....(we're going to ask our counselor this week if we can double up 2x a week). Counselor is great and we are friendly w/ him.

I've been upfront w/ the diocese & said we're older & plan on starting a family ASAP & we have our heart set on that date b/c its my grandparents' anniversary (THEY are NOT happy the date is set). I also let them know I'm a catholic school teacher & do not want to wait another FULL year.

Our church in town has been wonderful & our monsignor is doing everything possible for this to happen. He said as soon as we hear he'd get us thru pre-cana & how July is not a very busy month & that date shouldn't be a problem.....

Dilemma is this.........at what point do I say, we can't wait anymore?! It will kill FH to not get married in the church (or more so his family).

I figure the latest I can order invites is first week in April.....

My back-up plan is an Episcopal church not far from me....

Please help!

CIndy,

I don't know what to say! Why does the Catholic Church make everything soooo damn difficult! I have said this before but iin light of the whole sex scandal that continues with the Catholic Church they should be welcoming anyone they haven't scared off by now! I cannot imagine how aggravated you must feel!

i am confused..what are you waiting to hear? if your anulment comes through or???

Basically the diocese is waiting for the rept from the counselor on if we are 'ready' for marriage (b/c of my divorce in the past)....we've seen him 3x, but the diocese wants a report after 8-10 sessions. If we double up the appts (if he can) we'd be finished by end of March & he can call/send rept to diocese...then how long do we wait for result?

Even our church said it should be a done deal...I'm just soooooo frustrated. We've done everything as quick as possible...they even commented on how fast we got paperwork back, etc. & then THEY'VE been dragging their feet on every single step. IF I knew they wanted us to see a counselor we would have started going back in Sept when I had the 'court case w/ the diocese.'

Venting & frustrated.

As Kathleen said w/ the state of the Catholic church they should be welcoming members & going out of their way to make people feel welcome not do everything possible to push them away

Cindy-
I wish I had the right words to say to make this easier for you. I can only imagine the strain you are feeling from the church regarding the process and approval of your annulment.

Is the only thing left for you to do is complete the therapy sessions?

I know you mention your monsignor is doing all he can, but does he know what more is needed of you?


-Jill

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Posted by beautyq115

CIndy,

I don't know what to say! Why does the Catholic Church make everything soooo damn difficult! I have said this before but iin light of the whole sex scandal that continues with the Catholic Church they should be welcoming anyone they haven't scared off by now! I cannot imagine how aggravated you must feel!

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I agree 100%. For this reason, we did not choose a chuch. There's too much politics, and for me personally, I don't think that faith and politics mix. I'm sorry I'm no help, but here's some

OMG (no pun intended!) The priest who is doing our ceremony has a chapel that he can use whenever he wants, and I DOUBT he'd turn you away even w/ your situation! FM if you want info, he does all types of ceremonies, but I'm not sure what his correct title is. We call him Father Joe.

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Posted by MsKitty1274

Cindy-
I wish I had the right words to say to make this easier for you. I can only imagine the strain you are feeling from the church regarding the process and approval of your annulment.

Is the only thing left for you to do is complete the therapy sessions?

I know you mention your monsignor is doing all he can, but does he know what more is needed of you?


-Jill

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Our monsignor knows exactly what is needed...his hands are tied until he gets a decision from the diocese, he's been very positive & from when we first met him in Sept. he told us then we should have our decision by Jan., when we last spoke he was surprised at the situation, but very accommodating to us....

I mean it would mean the world to us to be married in the Catholic Church, esp. here where we plan to buy a house & start a family (christenings, etc.), yet I'm sooo stressed b/c time is running out. I was calm until my mom called earlier & was like Cindy you really need to have a fall back plan & you can't wait till the last minute....

URRRRR

(thanks for the hugs everyone)

Could you get married in a Civil Ceremony at CLM...and then wait for the church ceremony??? Atleast they could be your back up!

I feel so bad for you

They have all these stupid rules. During a preliminary meeting, they asked me if I have ever had any counseling within the last 10 yrs. I said I did b/c I have suffered from panic and anxiety attacks since I was 8, so I go off and on but not regularly. They told me I couldnt get married in the church unless I let the Diocese contact my counselor who than had to write a letter stating I was not only able to be married, but I had the mental capacity to enter into a marriage. I wasn't going to get married in the church after that b/c I thought it was ********. I knew it would make my grandmother happy so against my usual stubborness I agreed to it. I felt like asking if the priests that molest the boys receive counseling or if they get evaluated before they enter the priesthood.

Supposably the reason they are so 'tough' now is b/c of all the anullments and divorces. But my thought is that there are plenty people out there that need counseling, that dont get it. And just b/c people dont go to counseling and don't have 'problems' as they classify it, doesnt mean there marriage is going to last or be any better than mine.

Cindy - I wish I had better advice for you other than to just be patient. I was raised in a strict Catholic home and know how difficult it can be to deal with the church. I think it is a good idea to double up on the sessions. Not only so you can be done faster, but perhaps the Diocese will see it as an effort on you and FH's part to really be committed to each other. I also think it's great you have a backup plan...just in case! I'll keep you and FH in my prayers and my fingers crossed for you as well. Keep us posted!

ETA: I am no longer a practicing Catholic (whatever that means) because I could not agree with all of the rules and regulations of the Catholic Church - especially where women are concerned.

I am sure you must feel frustrated. You have come this far in the process, it would be a shame to give up now. I guess this is why they say you shouldn't plan anything until you get the results of the tribunal.

The annulment process really has nothing to do with the state of the Catholic church and is not something that can be changed just to make it easy for people. The sacrament of marriage is taken very seriously in the RC church. Sacraments don't change just because of current social conditions and I don't see how keeping with the churches 2000 year tradition is pushing people away. For those who don't agree or don't wish to follow it, they are free to go elsewhere.

Hang in there, if it is important to you and your FI, it will be worth it in the long run.

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Posted by jellybean1420

Another thing....is the request that you get counseling from your church or the Diocese? Many people anull their marriage and get divorced and still get married again in the Catholic church and dont have to go to counseling. I think that is bull. Have you called the Diocese? I honestly have never heard of such a thing.

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I know..they put some people through hell and others marry as many times as they want without an issue...doesn;t make sense....maybe people are being paid off..who know...I wouldn;t doubt it!

is this a church related couselor you have to see or a private one? i am just curious.

my fh is a therapist and he said that whether or not someone has been in therapy or not before means nothing in regard to marriage(ie.. meaning that if you had therapy in the past that doesnt mean you are defective and that you need to be 'rechecked and evaluated' in regards to marriage)...that you shouldnt be made to re enter therapy to get a seal of approval for marriage if you know what i mean. bc even if you do it... can any therapist really determine whether or not a marriage will work?

i have my own feelings on the hoops the church makes people go through... but i really hate they are making this soooo hard for you!!!!!

xoxo jenn

Cindy, I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Especially, since it happened so long ago.
I am Catholic, was raised Catholic, did all my sacraments, went to religion classes yada yada yada....
But, I honestly think the Catholic church is so strict
(which was mentioned above) I think it's ridiculous. This is one of the reasons why I am getting married in an Episcopal Church which I LOVE I may add.
Yes, we have a form of pre cana, where FH and I have to meet with the priest. But, it's not so uptight. I mean no disrespect to the Catholic church, which I still attend.
I just think they need to let some things go that are not so important and maybe they should put more of a focus on whats going on in the church.
Sorry had to vent a bit.

I really hope everything works out for you!!!!
Keep us posted!

I don't know all the rules but I'm a bit surprised by this since I have heard of the church marrying divorced people before - without any annulment much less one with an application pending. Any chance of making out better in a different parish? I'm not sure that it will make a difference but parishes do vary a bit.

I sincerely hope things work out for you - good luck and lots of

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Posted by mbm750

I don't know all the rules but I'm a bit surprised by this since I have heard of the church marrying divorced people before - without any annulment much less one with an application pending. Any chance of making out better in a different parish? I'm not sure that it will make a difference but parishes do vary a bit.

I sincerely hope things work out for you - good luck and lots of

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I don't think its the parish that is the problem...I think its the diocese

Thanks ladies for all the support...

The diocese recommended the counseling b/c my last marriage ended mainly due to immaturity & lack of realizing what marriage truly meant & we never discussed expectations. I think they want to make sure that now (10 years later) I do understand all these things.

I wouldn't go to another parish b/c our priest/monsignor has been wonderful, its also a conflict of diocese (as I used to live in Queens/got married in Queens) so the annulment is thru the Brooklyn diocese & our wedding would be in Suffolk....

Also it was mentioned/suggested that if I considered getting married OUTSIDE the Catholic church that my job in a Catholic school would be in jeopardy....I'm not even commenting on that one!

Makes me angry too b/c I personally know of people who had children out of wedlock & married a strict Jewish person & had a full Catholic Mass for their wedding & another who was married b4 but b/c it was not in a church that was okay....just frustrated...

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Posted by SweetCin704

Thanks ladies for all the support...

The diocese recommended the counseling b/c my last marriage ended mainly due to immaturity & lack of realizing what marriage truly meant & we never discussed expectations. I think they want to make sure that now (10 years later) I do understand all these things.

I wouldn't go to another parish b/c our priest/monsignor has been wonderful, its also a conflict of diocese (as I used to live in Queens/got married in Queens) so the annulment is thru the Brooklyn diocese & our wedding would be in Suffolk....

Also it was mentioned/suggested that if I considered getting married OUTSIDE the Catholic church that my job in a Catholic school would be in jeopardy....I'm not even commenting on that one!

Makes me angry too b/c I personally know of people who had children out of wedlock & married a strict Jewish person & had a full Catholic Mass for their wedding & another who was married b4 but b/c it was not in a church that was okay....just frustrated...

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The catholic church really needs an overhaul....its just rediculous!