My mother doesn't agree with the wedding

If I were you I would wait. I've been with my Fh since before college, and yes, it seems like a long time to wait, but in the end it's worth it. I can't IMAGINE trying to juggle college (which is a LOT different from HS) and a marriage. It was hard enough juggling just a bf/gf relationship. I can understand not wanting to be apart, but you don't need to be married to be either close or apart. I spent 4 years away from my FH, and believe me it was incredibly difficult, but it was also really worth it. We were both able to get through college, and experience all of that freedom while still being close. Also, a LOT changes when you go to college. Of course you love your FH, and if you want to spend the rest of your life with him, but I think the years between now and a few years from now will make you both stronger and more well equipped to handle marriage. It'll be better to wait when you have everyone rallying behind you. I know how difficult it can be and how long it seems. And I know you feel that you are totally mature and totally able to handle it and make this decision, and I'm not saying you arent., but the next few years will just make you THAT much more capable of it. Seriously. I've been with FH since I was 17, and we have a mature adult relationship from Day 1, but seeing how mch it's changed over the last 6 years, I am SO grateful that I have all of this added experience and preparedness. I'm so glad we have all of this experience at facing challenges and surviving distance and becoming closer BEFORE we're married. Honestly I would not rush into it. you're not going to like anyone telling you 'you're young, you have time' because you are so mature, etc, but when you're older and you look back at your 18 y/o self, you'll see how much more mature you are ina few years, similarly, when I'm 30 I'll look back at my 23 year old self and think 'what a moron'

I think giving it some time, waiting until your FH comes back from school to start planning the wedding would be the best idea. You have the rest of your lives to be together, waiting a few years will seem like nothing in the long run, and I think it will exponentially increase the chance that your marriage will work in the long term.

best of luck with anything you decide.

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Posted by twisted762006

I thank you all for the replies. It's really made me think. I completely understand all the different sides everyone is taking and for that I'm thankful. I will really consider what to do. But I guess my whole reason for this is my lack of being able to see him for the next year. He is going to a Tech school, and I'm stuck at my college that's approximately 6 hours away, which puts us and our relationship in quite a strain. By getting married in 2006 we could cut down our away time, and I would be able to go to the college of my choice rather than staying in state for a college that will cost less money and be farther away from him. And for all who were asking, I know I am young. I am 17, but I am also very capable of making mature, informed decisions. I will take the advice of talking to my mother and my FH in hopes of getting all this sorted out. There are many reasons for our possible decision of getting married next year, and I believe that this will make us happiest. We have talked many months of how to go about this, and so far we've found next year to be our best option.

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I understand what you mean about being far away from your guy. FH and I started dating during the last few months of high school. We had already made plans for where we were going to go to college before we started dating. He went to NCC, then hofstra, while I went to a school outside Philadelphia, about 4 hours from him. It is definitely hard to be so far away from the person you love, but by going away to college I was able to develop and grow as an individual.

FH and I were long distance for 4 years, (including 6 months while I was running around Europe, while he stayed on LI), and the time passed quickly. We talked about marriage early also, but in the end, decided to wait. It was the right decision for us. I think you should think this through, realizing what sacrifices you might have to make in order to get married now. A strained relationship with your mom is a big deal. Good luck with your decision.

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Posted by twisted762006

I thank you all for the replies. It's really made me think. I completely understand all the different sides everyone is taking and for that I'm thankful. I will really consider what to do. But I guess my whole reason for this is my lack of being able to see him for the next year. He is going to a Tech school, and I'm stuck at my college that's approximately 6 hours away, which puts us and our relationship in quite a strain. By getting married in 2006 we could cut down our away time, and I would be able to go to the college of my choice rather than staying in state for a college that will cost less money and be farther away from him. And for all who were asking, I know I am young. I am 17, but I am also very capable of making mature, informed decisions. I will take the advice of talking to my mother and my FH in hopes of getting all this sorted out. There are many reasons for our possible decision of getting married next year, and I believe that this will make us happiest. We have talked many months of how to go about this, and so far we've found next year to be our best option.

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after reading this again....i have to say it sounds like you are getting married because you are scared what will happen if you are apart. Fear isn't a good reason to get married..

I agree with red!

Fear of the unknown can be horrific- but being apart can truly bring you closer in the end, and if not, and you may not want to hear this, but it wasnt meant to be
who you are at 17 may not be who you are even at 20 or 25 ...therefore what you are looking for in a person may change...education is too important and i would not give that up! it is too hard out there without an education!

So you are getting married to go to a different college? Why not just go to a different college if you want to be closer to him? How will you afford tuition? Health insurance? Car payments/insurance? Living expenses for the four years? Did you figure out how much your loans will cost if you both do loans and take out bank loans for living expenses?

It just doesn't sound like you have thought things through. I am sure you are a mature 17, and I was as well, but I was no where near ready for marriage. I am sure plenty of us thought we might marry our high school boyfriends at 17, but sometimes in college you see that there is more out there, and you change yourself. Maybe you will still stay with him, maybe you won't, but if it is meant to be the distance factor will not keep you apart.

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Posted by nov04LIbride
I am sure plenty of us thought we might marry our high school boyfriends at 17, but sometimes in college you see that there is more out there, and you change yourself. Maybe you will still stay with him, maybe you won't, but if it is meant to be the distance factor will not keep you apart.

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I have to agree, I'm 25 now and when I think back to myself at 17, I am such a different person. I too thought I was mature at the time, but those few years after hs, in college, you change. You not only mature, but you get a better sense of who you are. You may grow closer to some people in your life now at 17, while growing farther apart from others. I think you should wait. But that is just my opinion, you must do whatever is right for you and whatever is in your heart. However, fear of being apart or pursuing a long distance relationship is not reason enough to get married. If the two of you are meant to be together forever, distance will not change that. If both of you are truly unhappy being apart, transfer to be near each other. Live together in an off campus apartment. I think you should have a long engagement and give college apart a try - you might learn that it isn't as terrible as you think being apart.

I have to agree with a bunch of the others here. You can turn into an entirely different person during college (I know I did). It can't hurt to wait a few years while you see what the world is like on your own. Those years really will fly by!


If it's all meant to be, it won't go anywhere--you'll still get married--*and* you'll have a college education and an amazing life experience in your pocket. There's plenty of time for marriage--you're sp young--but it won't necessarily be possible to do the full college experience later on.

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Posted by RedHead

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i have to say it sounds like you are getting married because you are scared what will happen if you are apart. Fear isn't a good reason to get married..

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I agree, and would add that it also sounds like you might fear going to college on your own too. College is scary, so's leaving home and living a dorm and making new friends - but it's also a good growing experience, and it's not necessary to party like a mad person in college either if that's not your style - that's not a requirement. You can if you want to, but there's so much more to college, and I think all of us would agree on this.

Also, I'm not clear why marriage makes it easier or even possible to go to the school of your choice? Perhaps this is something you could clarify... the only thing I can think of is financial aid - you and FH likely have less than your parents, which makes you eligible for more aid. Please don't be insulted by my assumption - I'm just trying to figure out what might be going on. Anyway, if it's financial aid, talk to someone who knows this stuff before you decide - schools hire people to do this, and there are lots of loans and grants out there, and scholarships too that don't depend on your parents finances (which for many doesn't make college affordable - they definitely cut off aid before reaching the affordable point for many middle-class families that can't actually pay), and sometimes schools will bargain with you and give you more believe it or not.
If the reason's not financial, please clarify this because I find this very puzzling.

Some other thoughts:
Do not get married because you are afraid your relationship will not last or because you fear college. You should fear college, but that's a good thing, and if your relationship can't withstand some distance, then it probably can't withstand a marriage... as many of my HS and college friends have learned (only 1 of 6 is still married, and I'm only 25 - that's a lot of divorces). Not saying that'll be you, but make sure you're doing this for the right reasons.

At 17, I myself actually decided (in part, not entirely) to go to college close to home to be near my boyfriend, because I thought he was the one - I cannot emphasize how wrong I was. And, I didn't know - I only thought I knew. If you know, you know, at any age - but you do actually know - have some faith in fate. And, that's very different than thinking you know and/or loving someone - that's hard to understand at 17, but I'm sure many of LIW girls would agree with me. And, if you think I'm wrong, and you do know this is it, why'd you ask us... and even if you're right and if this is it, you won't lose anything by having a long engagement and waiting to plan, and you'll probably gain a lot by focusing on school (personally and professionally). Remember, marriage should be a lifetime decision - and if you think you'll lose him because he's a few hours away - what kind of foundation is that for a lifetime???

I don't mean to be preachy, or tell you what to do, but I do think you have more to consider than what you've already considered. Good luck!

17 and getting married???? I can't even respond to this......

I'm sorry you're getting so many negative too young responses and I'd like to say that mine will be different, but it's not. Alot of what I read in your post indicates to me that you're afraid of what's going to happen when you both go off to two different colleges and are apart. It was said earlier here that if your relationship cannot survive a long distance thing then it most likely will not survive a marriage which is correct. There are so many responsibilities associated with being married and it's hard enough without trying to balance two tuiitions, and a household. I too look back on what I dated when I was 17 and don't know what the heck I was thinking. Keeping a marriage together is work and you should be experiencing life a little before you jump right into it. My suggestion is to postpone for two years and if you two are still happy and in the same 'place' at the end of your second year then transfer close together. Good luck to you sweetie!!!!

Hi,

of course your mother doesnt agree with the wedding...you are tantamount to a minor at this time!! It sounds like you want to get married to avoid a long distance relationship....which i don't blame you, b/c it is hell on earth....

But in all honesty, you still haven't learned how to make informed decisions at your age...you dont wanna go to college and be married...gosh...being a wife is one thing...and being a great student is another...

we all had goals before we would get married...for me, it was not until i became self supporting...for you...it will be different. But it sounds like you love your mother very much...and she wouldnt steer you wrong...listen...if you are supposed to marry this guy....you will!!

Just wait...life is long...and your heart will break when you see your family hurt...and then feel the pressure of college and being a wife.

When I was 17, I thought I was dating the man who would one day be my husband. I was so in love. I went away to school but, almost didn't because of him. Although we were 5 hours a part, we saw each other every weekend. After my first year, I transferred back to NYC to be with him. The short version of the story - we broke up, before I even started school in NYC. Looking back, I had no idea what love was. None at all. If I did, I wouldn't have been in such a rush to be with him. I would have realized that if something is meant to be - it will be.

If you are sure this is the man you are meant to be with - what is your hurry? If he is the right person for you, your relationship will withstand the distance. MY DH and I (who I met at the college I transferred to) lived 6 hours away for part of our engagement and we are now happily married for almost 2 years. If your relationship can't survive the distance for a year or more, you certainly shouldn't be considering marraige.

I am now 25 years old and I look back at what I, and many others at the time, considered to be a very mature, intelligent 17 year old girl, and all I can do is shake my head in utter disbelief at how ignorant I was of so many things. Regardless of how mature you may perceive yourself to be, at 17 years old you are just that, 17 years old. You have ONLY had 17 years of life experience!!! Dr. Phil once made reference to the fact that the part of our brain that deals with reasoning becomes fully developed in our early 20's. You've got a few more years to even reach 20...

Going to college is not just about getting that piece of paper at the end of 4 years (or however long it takes), it's about the learning experience, the growing experience. Do not rob yourself or your fiance of fully maximizing that experience.

In the multitude of counsel there is wisdom and you have sought and received A LOT of good counsel in this thread. I beg you, I plead with you, please, please, please listen to what's being said to you. I so wish you can feel my heart for you. The fact that you are actually taking the time to give this some thought shows that you are a wise young woman, but even the wise can be wiser.

God bless you and I have a sneaky suspicion that you will ultimately make the challenging, but wise decision ...

I have a little bit of a different response.

I am 22 years old. When I was 17, I was dating the same guy I now call my fiance.

Did I know, at 17, that we were going to get married? Actually, as ridiculous as it sounds, I did. BUT I also saw the importance of going to college and being ME, while still being WITH him.

We went to college 3 hours away from each other, and we made our long-distance relationship work. Of course there were fights, and there were some nights that I had never felt more lonely in my whole life, but deep down, I loved him and KNEW the whole time that I loved him. LD relationships take a LOT of trust and flexibility, and those are not things I am normally good at, but it was *him*, and I knew we could make it work.

Here we are 5 years later.... he has since graduated college, has a teaching job, and is starting his masters degree in the fall. I am still an undergrad, however, I am pursuing 2 degrees. Our wedding will be the beginning of 2007, to ensure that we'll have SOME kind of stability, and that we can acutally PAY for the wedding ...

I guess my point is that if you love him, and he loves you, what's another few years going to do? I consider myself very mature for my age as well, and I was mature enough to realize that statistically, in the 21st century, marriage at 17 is NOT the best idea. Hang in there for a few more years - enjoy your time together, and continue to dream about being married. It works for me!!!

best of luck

I don't have too much more to add that hasn't already been said. I just want to emphasize that you have so much life to experience in the next few years. College is an amazing time in your life, where you continue to grow and develop your identity. I would hate to see you miss out on the social aspect of college because you're married. If you and FH have a strong relationship, it will survive the long distance of college. It will be a challenge to your relationship, but in the end, if everything works out, it will make it stronger. I wish you the best of luck.

I know you don't want to wait, but this is probably for the best. I started dating FH my senior year of high school (he was a freshman in college) we spent a year apart (400 miles away), and then he came to school with me to finish up.

We've been dating for almost 6 years, engaged for nearly 2, and trust me, it flies. Waiting 2 years probably seems like a lifetime, but trust me when I say it will be here before you know it.

And it's better that he has his degree. That way he can work full time and you can finish your degree.

Long distance was tough, I think we saw eachother for a total of 2 months that 2nd year that we were dating, but we made it through, and we're stronger for that.

Good luck!

I think you're making a GREAT decison by waiting a few years. Trust me, it'll work out. Your decisosn about college don't depend on gettign married or not getting marrie,d but I know this, if you don't go to college now, it'll be a LOT harder to go bakc alter, and you may never go back. You mentoned letting FH go to school THEN you go to school. That would be awful. Go now. Inertia is apowerful thing. You're in school, stay in school. Trust me, it's true hwat they say, you don't go now, you'll never go. When you're married, that will become your first priority, not your personal growth and your education and then you may have bills, children (things happen), etc and it will NEVER be the 'right time' again. I had to take time off from college b/c I was disabled, and I'm trying to go back in the fall and it honestly seems like an insurmountable barrier, compared to just continuing what I had been doing. I think getting your degree first is the most important thing, and I think FH will defintiely understand that. He loves you and he wants what's best for you.

And LD relationships are really hard, but because we went through that we had so many tests and trials, we had to exercise so much trust. It was so scary, and there were times I wanted to drop out of school to be with him, or when I really resented him for going away to school (I got a great scholarhsip at a much etter school than the one I went to, but that would have mnade us something like 10 hours apart and I couldn't do it, but he still went away to philly). But we got through it. When we left high school there were a lot of couples who said they would try the LD relationship thing. By thanksgiving, we were the ONLY couple still together. And now years later, of course we made it. But that's the true test, you and FH, if it's meant to be, you'll make it, and you'll be so prepared.

Plus enjoy all of the stages. There's something unique and wonderful about every statge of a relationship. Enjoy the dating state longer. Enjoy hanging out with friends. When you get married, your life will seriously change. ANd spekaing of change the change of college and marriage at the same time is just far too much. Honestly, I can't een express how good a decision waiting is.

And there's a great phone service called USA Datanet. talk as long as you want for 99 cents per call. When we found out about that, we no longer had $400 phone bills.

I know you're tired of hearing 'oh you're too young' I know how horrible and wrong it sounds, but one thing I've learned since I was 18 is that I should definitely listen to my mother more, and that I don't know sh**.

Best of Luck, and we're definitely here for you. If you need somsone to talk to about LD relationships I'm here. I'm just finishing my first year WITH FH after 4 years apart. it just goes to show how big these changes are. When Fh was coming home from college, I was afraid we'd kill each other, because we'd be spending so much time together. But nope, we're happy as can be, and we never want to be apart again. But I'm grateful for the experience we learned so much and after going through all that I *KNOW* he's the one.