I recently got engaged (May 29th) and told my parents of the recent happenings. My mother was furious! She feels that I will be ruining my chances at college and I won't have enough money. Money isn't really an issue because we want a very small wedding, and I'm still going to college. But I know this sounds horrible, but should I still go on with the wedding. I need her support for myself, but not for the benefit of the wedding, and I feel that in time she will accept what is going on and be a part of it. Am I wrong in assuming that? And should I call off the wedding until her feelings for this are sorted out?
junebride!
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Re: My mother doesn't agree with the wedding
what chances would you be missing in college? to meet and mingle with others? she's right. dorm life etc is different than just seeing people in classes..but then again you'll have you FH with you.
Have you talked REALLY TALKED with her about her concerns and your plans...not for the wedding day but the future....
twisted762006
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Re: My mother doesn't agree with the wedding
I have talked to her about EVERYTHING! But she seems to think that it's a desaster waiting to happen. I honestly have never wanted to be in a dorm, because I'm not much of a social person, but she seems to think my whole life will be based around that. She wants me to party, stay out all weekend, etc. (which is not a typical mother response) but she feels that I will make the same mistakes as her because she got pregnant while she was in college and she dropped out. I understand her concern, but I'm on birth control, we are very careful, and I want to by with my FH more than anything in the world. We know my being in college will be rough, but well worth it. Plus 2009 seems awfully far away to wait and plan this wedding. She said from the beginning that she wanted us married, but now that it comes down to it, she can't stand that thought. Even my FMIL, who doesn't want to lose her first-born son and is afraid that it might end badly is happy for us, and is up and ready to help us plan the wedding! It doesn't seem right for my mother to try to control the biggest decision of my life.
Mishu
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Re: My mother doesn't agree with the wedding
Could this be mom's way of masking other fears that she has a hard time expressing
Maybe she feels you are too young or that you have not expirenced alot so maybe she wants you to be sure
Just a guess
I am very sorry you have to be dealing with this when it sohuld be a happy joyous time in your life
good luck
burningwithlove
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Re: My mother doesn't agree with the wedding
I am curious to know your age
glinda_goodwitch
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Posted by burningwithlove
I am curious to know your age
I am too. And also, how long have you been with your FH? Maybe you can wait a few years and then when you are home from college in the summer you can have your wedding. Especially if you use your winter vacation time to book vendors, it might work out and you would not necessarily have to wait until 2009.
Kerrycec
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Re: My mother doesn't agree with the wedding
how old are you??
nov04LIbride
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Re: My mother doesn't agree with the wedding
Posted by Kerrycec
how old are you??
I was thinking the same thing. Honestly, if you are 18 I really think you can wait. I got married at 26 and was so glad to have had years without that responsibility. In terms of college, it is just more responsibility while you are taking classes. The shopping, laundry, taking care of wherever you live...Being married isn't like living with your parents or having roommates in a dorm or apt. It can be done, but from working in a college I have seen many young married people drop out because they decided to work to make more money, or end up having children earlier than anticipated.
Blu-ize
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Re: My mother doesn't agree with the wedding
I hate to say this, but what is the big deal about waiting until after college? You are very young and have a lot of living to do. Now, I'm not saying don't get married, I just don't think it's so urgent and if you really want to be together it's not the end of the world to wait. It may even mean more to you when you get married. You change so much in your 20's and sometimes even more in your 30s. I'm sorry that this is not what you wanted to hear, but I agree with your mom in that respect. I don't know you either so I don't know some of the cirumstances around the situation. I hope I don't sound to harsh, but it is just my opinion...I wish you much luck in whatever you choose to do..
DebsNY
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Re: My mother doesn't agree with the wedding
Out of curiosity... How old are you? If you're supposed to graduate in 2009, I'm going to guess that you're about to graduate high school.
I'm also a younger bride, I got engaged a month before my 21st birthday and will turn 23 a month after the wedding. And I've heard from day one that I was too young, that I should wait, etc.
You need to do what you feel is right for you. Make sure that you're ready. I have a friend who got married 3 months out of high school, and tho I no longer speak with her myself (she moved across country) all I hear from those who do is how happy she is. She doesn't regret skipping college, and she's very happy being a mother of 3.
I, however, couldn't imagine not going to college. I've had a blast. I lived in the dorms freshman and sophomore year, and in apartments through the rest of undergrad and grad school. It's almost been like a halfway point between living at home and the 'real world.
So for my one friend, getting married right out of high school was right for her. For myself, and many of my friends, it was waiting until after college.
In the end, you need to do what makes you happy. There will always be critics that think you're too young, don't have enough money. Heck, last year I went to a bridal shower for a recently retired teacher, and all my grandmother could comment was that she was 'too old' and 'why is she even bothering.'
But, it was right for her. Weigh all the options. Is this what you really want? You are young, so waiting is always an option if you have any doubts. Before you make any final decisions, talk with your parents, and your fh. Maybe wait another year - trust me 2 years seems like a long time for an engagement but it will fly by!
Good luck with your decision!
july06bride
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Re: My mother doesn't agree with the wedding
Personally, I would wait- you are young-(i think) and not to say youre going to wait until you graduate in 2009- but wait awhile- get used to college 1st - cause that alone is not an easy adjustment!
I met my FH when I was 18- We have been together ever since- I am 24 and he is 26- we graduated from college, we graduated with our masters- got settled- knew this was it and got engaged -
you can still be by your fh/with your fh without getting married- take your time
I know that sometimes we dont want to listen to our parents, especially our moms, but i know i can look back on many 'lectures' my mom has given me and many things she disagreed with me on and i fought her tooth and nail- BUT in the end SHE WAS USUALLY RIGHT! Just food for thought!
good luck!
Bella Blu
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Re: My mother doesn't agree with the wedding
Posted by DebsNY
You need to do what you feel is right for you. Make sure that you're ready. I have a friend who got married 3 months out of high school, and tho I no longer speak with her myself (she moved across country) all I hear from those who do is how happy she is. She doesn't regret skipping college, and she's very happy being a mother of 3.
I, however, couldn't imagine not going to college. I've had a blast. I lived in the dorms freshman and sophomore year, and in apartments through the rest of undergrad and grad school. It's almost been like a halfway point between living at home and the 'real world.
So for my one friend, getting married right out of high school was right for her. For myself, and many of my friends, it was waiting until after college.
In the end, you need to do what makes you happy.
I totally agree. You have to do what is right for you. However, you have nothing to lose by waiting and experiencing college and all the other fun stuff that goes with that experience and being in your early 20s (I'm assuming you are 20 is or younger). You have the rest of your life to be married....but do what is best for you....if you decide to postpone, you still can have fun enjoying life with your FH. Good Luck!!!
pinkstar025
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Re: My mother doesn't agree with the wedding
me and FH waitined over 2 1/2 years to get married and it FLEW BY..sometimes i feel like i couls use about another year or so......so dont worry about time.....you will have fun with all the planning and doing this together...take your time and ENJOY this!
Wintersbride
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Re: My mother doesn't agree with the wedding
Honestly, there is nothing wrong with waiting until after college. I waited 4 years!!! It seems like a long time, but it really isn't. If you two are in love, then waiting will not cause a problem. I am only suggesting this because it is hard to be in school and be married and create a life for yourselves...it's just an added pressure (trust me). However, I would sit down and really logically discuss this w/ FH and your mother...and then contemplate it on your own. When it comes down to it, it's got to be a choice that you make for yourself. BUT you must be logical. You and FH will still be together, just not married. It's a lot easier if both of your lives are settled.
ETA: I don't think you should call off your wedding necessarily because someone disapproves...I would postpone however, if realisticly you are not ready yet. At the end of the day you have to live with the decisions you make...no one else.
twisted762006
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Re: My mother doesn't agree with the wedding
I thank you all for the replies. It's really made me think. I completely understand all the different sides everyone is taking and for that I'm thankful. I will really consider what to do. But I guess my whole reason for this is my lack of being able to see him for the next year. He is going to a Tech school, and I'm stuck at my college that's approximately 6 hours away, which puts us and our relationship in quite a strain. By getting married in 2006 we could cut down our away time, and I would be able to go to the college of my choice rather than staying in state for a college that will cost less money and be farther away from him. And for all who were asking, I know I am young. I am 17, but I am also very capable of making mature, informed decisions. I will take the advice of talking to my mother and my FH in hopes of getting all this sorted out. There are many reasons for our possible decision of getting married next year, and I believe that this will make us happiest. We have talked many months of how to go about this, and so far we've found next year to be our best option.
Jamie&MarkSept.'05
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Re: My mother doesn't agree with the wedding
In my opinion, you are way too young. You may be a mature 17, but the fact of the matter is that you are 17...
I think back on the guys that I dated when I was 17 and although I could have seen myself with them 'forever' at that age, I look back and laugh at the idea that I would end up with them now!
What is the rush? If you and FH are meant to be, you will be...I am 26 and starting dating my FH when I was 21 and a senior in college. I then went on to law school and told FH that I did not want to get engaged while I was in school and he respected my wishes....he later told me he was ready to propose much earlier than I was ready to become engaged, but the point is...he waited!
An education is extremely important...especially today. Many people with college degrees can't even get jobs.
I agree with your Mom 100%...my sister is 17 and if she told me she wanted to get married I would flip!
JPC1125
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Re: My mother doesn't agree with the wedding
aww sweetie...i hate to tell you but you are not old enough to decide your future yet
At 17 you think you are mature but you still have alot of growing up to do and your mom is right- college and all that it teachers is one of them!
I met my future husband at 17 - we only got engaged at 23 and we are geting married at 24
we went to college together and it was wonderful....its not a way to break you guys up but maybe it will bring you closer together
reconsider for your own sake! and take the advice of someone whos been there!
RedHead
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Re: My mother doesn't agree with the wedding
OK i may get flammed for this but what the hell
GIRL...17 is too young imo...go to college and see how things go...what is the rush anyway?
Money isn't everything but i just feel that 17 is too young to be getting married
Jamie&MarkSept.'05
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Re: My mother doesn't agree with the wedding
I would also be curious to know how long you two have been together and how many other boyfriends you have had...
