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My situation just exploded with FMIL...**update with EMAIL**

rocketsummer17 Posted:

My situation just exploded with FMIL...**update with EMAIL**

This is a vent and advice asking post...you girls have such great advice and opinions I really value what you all have to say

So I emailed my FMIL to see if i could straighten out what has been happening between us and also see what her plans are for our engagement party (which she promised she would cover 100%) and if she needed anymore help...
WELL SHE FLIPPED ON ME!!! Full on b*tch flip...she went back on every promise she made and now because of it I have to come up with 3000 DOLLARS in 2 weeks to pay for this party....I want to show you girls the email but Im not sure if its appropriate, but I also want to make sure Im not over reacting....Do you girls want to see it, do you think its appropriate?
I called FH CRYING (im at work now mind you...) about this and he finally said wow you really have been hurting over this Im sorry I didnt pay attention to your relationship with her before...which has made some of my fears about him standing up for me disappear.

Girls what do I do now with FMIL??!! She said she would still pay for table linens and centerpieces...$20 for linens and she is making centerpieces herself (that i do not like [didnt say it straight to her though]...and asked her if i could show her ideas of what I liked and she said no...)
W T F am i supposed to do?? GAHHHHH


ETA: This is the email....

Gaby & Shawn-
When we first started these plans I assumed that we would all be sharing the cost.Bill & I and Gaby's parents - like Toni-Ann & Tommy party. When it became clear that this was not going to be happening I was switching gears and getting people to help us cook to keep the cost down. Gaby you seemed upset with this and thats when I said to Shawn that everyone has to remember that I just got a job after over a year of not working. I am catching up on life and bills and to pay for this whole party would set me back even farther than I am now and in turn reduce Christmas for Billy and Cassie greatly. Would I have been able to do the whole thing if I had everyone cooking? Probably.
I have the list at home of who RSVPed and I will email it to you when I get a chance later. I am very stressed with other issues and I do not want to seem rude or uncaring but I think that both of you need to relax. This is not a wedding it is an engagement party.

Heres the breakdown off the top of my head

Hall 225.00 / table clothes 2.00 each. / bartender 50.00
Drinks 8 x approx 80 people

DJ 350.00

Food 10.95 per person 13 and up
1/2 for 7-13
7 and under free

The thing I liked best about using Emerald is that he supplies everything from napkins to service and it is included. The set up they clean up, etc. When I spoke to him he said that you were calling him with the choices of food. I need you both to understand that I thought somewhere along the line that Gabys parents were going to split this with us. Since it is not happening I need your help. This started as a simple party that I wanted to throw at my house and it has grown. I do not mind - I think that it will be lovely - but I cannot and will not get in over my head for a party. I don't want to fight - I do not want to start a problem and I do not want to get on anyones bad side but you need to understand what I am saying - I need help with this. Bill and I can cover the hall, the DJ and the centerpieces. I can get people to cook additional things like ziti and eggplant to supplement what will already be there and then you can make other food choices from Emerald.

We really need to get this settled.

(Billy and Cassie are FH's brother and sister from his mothers 2nd marraige...She had Shawn when she was 19 so his siblings are 13 and 11...He has always taken a backseat in her life which isnt fair to him...
My parents DONT have the money to pay for the party...and they expressed that IMMEDIATELY to me.) If there is anyhting else I missed let me know!! Thanks girls!!
Cacarina Posted:

Re: My situation just exploded with FMIL...

Awww, this *****! lets see the email.

SherinJeff Posted:

Re: My situation just exploded with FMIL...

I would like to read it... but better yet.. let your FH read it.
He cant deny anything that is in black and white.

I dont know what you should do about the party. Im shocked that she is renigging on the payment. It IS her son she is hurting by this.

Can you cancel the party and do something on your own? With people that love and support you?

As far as her making the centerpieces and paying $20 bucks for the linens.. at this point I would say
DONT BOTHER LADY.. thanks but NO THANKS.

If you are going to shell out $3000 bucks, you can shell out 3, 020 bucks and her for nothing.

IMO....
Cacarina Posted:

Re: My situation just exploded with FMIL...

Posted by SherinJeff

I would like to read it... but better yet.. let your FH read it.
He cant deny anything that is in black and white.

I dont know what you should do about the party. Im shocked that she is renigging on the payment. It IS her son she is hurting by this.

Can you cancel the party and do something on your own? With people that love and support you?

As far as her making the centerpieces and paying $20 bucks for the linens.. at this point I would say
DONT BOTHER LADY.. thanks but NO THANKS.

If you are going to shell out $3000 bucks, you can shell out 3, 020 bucks and her for nothing.

IMO....


I agree. It seems like FMIL is with-holding to try to gain some control over you. You really need to have a discussion with FH, because she should not be treating you this way and if FH knew the extent, he wouldn't like it either!
melissankurt07 Posted:

Re: My situation just exploded with FMIL...**update with EMAIL**

I would love to see the email too because this is exactly what happened with my MIL for the Rehearsal dinner!!!! The only difference is she did write it to DH and he knows his Mom is a whack job!!!! I would tell her that if you are paying the $3,000.00 then you don't want her friggin centerpieces anyway!!! You can do really cheap ones nicely!!!! I would definitely show your FH the email so he can see what his Mom is up to!!! I am sorry you are going through this and I hope everything works out for you.

sealie321 Posted:

Re: My situation just exploded with FMIL...**update with EMAIL**

what a horrible situation! my parents aren't able to afford to really help either but my FH's parents never once threw it in their faces. i don't know what to tell you except to sit down with FH and talk to him about how you're feeling and how much her email hurt you. i'm so sorry you're going through this!!

as for the party, if you can't afford it, cancel it. maybe do a kind of bbq or something in the spring? that way you can still have a party and keep the cost down for yourselves.
MJDoc12 Posted:

Re: My situation just exploded with FMIL...**update with EMAIL**

well after reading the email--i have to say--i don't think its that upsetting. she didn't exactly come out and be viscious to you---obviously we don't know the entire situation---but she seems to be saying that she's tight on money, especially with the holidays coming around.

there seems to be a misunderstanding here--as her email states that she thought others would be helping--and you say she said she would pay for it all herself.....so obviously something was miscommunicated here.

but in the end--she is right--this is an e-party--not a wedding. i would either a)cancel it all b)try and get more help in paying for it or c)trim some stuff---like the DJ--do you honestly NEED a dj for an e-party? or something else. just throwing my 2 cents to help lighten the situation
skinny237 Posted:

Re: My situation just exploded with FMIL...**update with EMAIL**

I hate to say it...especially because I am tell how upset you are...but here email doesn't seem that bad. The first part sounds like her venting (and she shouldn't have said that you need to relax) but the second part sounds a lot nicer.

'I think that it will be lovely - but I cannot and will not get in over my head for a party. I don't want to fight - I do not want to start a problem and I do not want to get on anyones bad side but you need to understand what I am saying - I need help with this.'

At least she says that she doesn't want to fight. She just sounds really stressed about money.

Weddings just make normally nice people stressed and seem nasty and uncaring---especially when you start seeing how much things r going 2 cost.

Maybe u can just tell her that you know it's going to be a great party and try to figure out ways between all of you to make it work.
KSquared Posted:

Re: My situation just exploded with FMIL...**update with EMAIL**

Posted by MJDoc12

well after reading the email--i have to say--i don't think its that upsetting. she didn't exactly come out and be viscious to you---obviously we don't know the entire situation---but she seems to be saying that she's tight on money, especially with the holidays coming around.

there seems to be a misunderstanding here--as her email states that she thought others would be helping--and you say she said she would pay for it all herself.....so obviously something was miscommunicated here.

but in the end--she is right--this is an e-party--not a wedding. i would either a)cancel it all b)try and get more help in paying for it or c)trim some stuff---like the DJ--do you honestly NEED a dj for an e-party? or something else. just throwing my 2 cents to help lighten the situation



I completely agree.
melissankurt07 Posted:

Re: My situation just exploded with FMIL...**update with EMAIL**

After reading the email I actually thought she handled it pretty well. I don't think she really went off on you. I can understand that you are upset that they were going to pay for it and now aren't but I can understand if she just started this job and has other kids at home and other responsibilities. I think it was a huge misunderstanding about who originaly was going to help pay for it. If she was just assumeing your parents were going to help pay for it then it is definitely her fault for not confirming this. I think if it is way to much for you to be spending then I would cancel it and do something smaller or postpone it for a later date. Good luck in whatever you decide.

teenigrrl Posted:

Re: My situation just exploded with FMIL...**update with EMAIL**

Posted by MJDoc12

well after reading the email--i have to say--i don't think its that upsetting. she didn't exactly come out and be viscious to you---obviously we don't know the entire situation---but she seems to be saying that she's tight on money, especially with the holidays coming around.

there seems to be a misunderstanding here--as her email states that she thought others would be helping--and you say she said she would pay for it all herself.....so obviously something was miscommunicated here.

but in the end--she is right--this is an e-party--not a wedding. i would either a)cancel it all b)try and get more help in paying for it or c)trim some stuff---like the DJ--do you honestly NEED a dj for an e-party? or something else. just throwing my 2 cents to help lighten the situation


agreed - very well put.
Future Mulligan Posted:

Re: My situation just exploded with FMIL...**update with EMAIL**

i dont think what she said is that bad.....parties can be really really expensive.....my FH's parents helped us out with our epparty but we ended up paying for about half of it oursevles. we didnt care at all - we just wanted to have a party and celebrate. my parents couldnt afford to help out at all which was fine. we know my families financial situation and im grateful that they flew up from florida and gave us a gift. that alone was enough for FH and I - we just wanted my parents to be there. nobody is obligated to throw you a party so any help that you are getting should be appreciated - at least that is how i feel. i am so grateful that FH's parents helped us out. i dont know the situation with you and your FMIL, maybe there are more issues that you guys have other than the party - but i think its nice that she offered to help you guys out. and i dont think she is wrong for not wanting to foot the entire bill - because to be honest she doesnt have to pay to for any of it - its not her responsibility - unless like you said she promised to pay for it all and is now backing out......that would be a little different. good luck! i hope everything works out and i hope you end up having a beautiful party!

jessica08bride Posted:

Re: My situation just exploded with FMIL...**update with EMAIL**

i have to agree, i found her to be at least trying to come up with a compromise. she asked for help a few times....but there sounds like a miscommunication. she thought your parents were going to help out even though they said they couldnt. now that she sees they cant, shes offering suggestions of how she can make this work. i hope you guys can meet halfway. this is a fun occassion (i didnt even get an e-party ) and i hope you guys can get past this so you can celebrate!
rocketsummer17 Posted:

Re: My situation just exploded with FMIL...**update with EMAIL**

Thanks for everything everyone has said.

When we first decided to have the party FH and I wanted a small party at a knights of columbus, maybe 50 people max (with extreme cutting down of our gest list) , have it catered and hire a waitress and bartender, and let everyone have a great time....When we told this is his mom, it wasnt good for her. She wanted it in her backyard (in novemeber?? a backyard??) We said no, this is where we want it..She said thats fine I will take care of everything dont you worry about it, but there need to be changes to the guest list, you left people off. Our list is now at 80 people!!! I told her upfront that my parents WILL NOT be contributing to the party in any way shape or form. She said she understands and that she will handle the whole thing. She is the one who hired a DJ, she is the onewho picked the house caterer for the hall we are having...not us....so now why do we have to pay for everything she has already booked and decided upon?? We really want to have this party, not for any other reason but to get the people we love together and have a great time. She had already asked me to buy favors and take care of those, which I did no questions asked...then she asked me to make 100 cupcakes and frost them for desert, fine I will do it, no questions asked....i just dont know what else to do to please this woman, I have tried so hard to help with this party but everytime I try to something is wrong and we all need to sit and have a discussion about it...
JennysMOH Posted:

Re: My situation just exploded with FMIL...**update with EMAIL**

It is nice that you want to have an e-party but honestly it is not necessary. For my sister's engagement we had a luncheon for the bride's family and the groom's family ( 10 people in total) because a lot of people get put out thinking that its just another way to get presents. Between bridal shower, bachelorette party and the wedding it adds up. I think that is why a lot of people forgo the engagement party in order to save more for the wedding.

I agree with MJ Doc, she said it perfectly.
sweetdoublenn Posted:

Re: My situation just exploded with FMIL...**update with EMAIL**

That is a terrible situation!!!!! What a ****.
I like to see the e-mail!!!!
cuttieforreal Posted:

Re: My situation just exploded with FMIL...**update with EMAIL**

Honestly i think its not her fault judging by d mail she could ve thought it wont cost up to 3grand to throw d party since its a big thing and its what you want just let everybody chip in to avoid arguements and enemity
since its going to cost 3grand y not yall split as in

FMIL : 500
Your parents :500
FH & You : 1000(500) each
Friends and family : according to their pockets

I am sure you ve some great family n friends that will so willingly want to chip in here n dre n it will just make things easier

My personal opinion though

AmorPeruano Posted:

Re: My situation just exploded with FMIL...**update with EMAIL**

If its any consolation, I'm sure your family and friends you invited are going to give you some kind of monetary engagement gift, so maybe that money can be used to pay off the money you dished out for the party itself. I know it ***** to have to use it for that, but maybe in the end you wont actually be paying much.

MeNBobs Posted:

Re: My situation just exploded with FMIL...**update with EMAIL**

Posted by cuttieforreal
I am sure you ve some great family n friends that will so willingly want to chip in here n dre n it will just make things easier

My personal opinion though




LB and DC Posted:

Re: My situation just exploded with FMIL...**update with EMAIL**

i really hope you don't take offense to this, but i agree with your FMIL. not the part about her backing out of a promise to pay, but the part about it being an engagement party, not a wedding.

this is NOT an attack on you but engagement parties these days, IMO, have gotten WAY out of hand - like a second shower.

if it were me, i'd either cancel and put my energy into planning the rest of the wedding, or else have something much more low-key that i CAN afford.

$3000?? that is outrageous IMO.

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