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My situation just exploded with FMIL...**update with EMAIL**

Original post by rocketsummer17

This is a vent and advice asking post...you girls have such great advice and opinions I really value what you all have to say

So I emailed my FMIL to see if i could straighten out what has been happening between us and also see what her plans are for our engagement party (which she promised she would cover 100%) and if she needed anymore help...
WELL SHE FLIPPED ON ME!!! Full on b*tch flip...she went back on every promise she made and now because of it I have to come up with 3000 DOLLARS in 2 weeks to pay for this party....I want to show you girls the email but Im not sure if its appropriate, but I also want to make sure Im not over reacting....Do you girls want to see it, do you think its appropriate?
I called FH CRYING (im at work now mind you...) about this and he finally said wow you really have been hurting over this Im sorry I didnt pay attention to your relationship with her before...which has made some of my fears about him standing up for me disappear.

Girls what do I do now with FMIL??!! She said she would still pay for table linens and centerpieces...$20 for linens and she is making centerpieces herself (that i do not like [didnt say it straight to her though]...and asked her if i could show her ideas of what I liked and she said no...)
W T F am i supposed to do?? GAHHHHH


ETA: This is the email....

Gaby & Shawn-
When we first started these plans I assumed that we would all be sharing the cost.Bill & I and Gaby's parents - like Toni-Ann & Tommy party. When it became clear that this was not going to be happening I was switching gears and getting people to help us cook to keep the cost down. Gaby you seemed upset with this and thats when I said to Shawn that everyone has to remember that I just got a job after over a year of not working. I am catching up on life and bills and to pay for this whole party would set me back even farther than I am now and in turn reduce Christmas for Billy and Cassie greatly. Would I have been able to do the whole thing if I had everyone cooking? Probably.
I have the list at home of who RSVPed and I will email it to you when I get a chance later. I am very stressed with other issues and I do not want to seem rude or uncaring but I think that both of you need to relax. This is not a wedding it is an engagement party.

Heres the breakdown off the top of my head

Hall 225.00 / table clothes 2.00 each. / bartender 50.00
Drinks 8 x approx 80 people

DJ 350.00

Food 10.95 per person 13 and up
1/2 for 7-13
7 and under free

The thing I liked best about using Emerald is that he supplies everything from napkins to service and it is included. The set up they clean up, etc. When I spoke to him he said that you were calling him with the choices of food. I need you both to understand that I thought somewhere along the line that Gabys parents were going to split this with us. Since it is not happening I need your help. This started as a simple party that I wanted to throw at my house and it has grown. I do not mind - I think that it will be lovely - but I cannot and will not get in over my head for a party. I don't want to fight - I do not want to start a problem and I do not want to get on anyones bad side but you need to understand what I am saying - I need help with this. Bill and I can cover the hall, the DJ and the centerpieces. I can get people to cook additional things like ziti and eggplant to supplement what will already be there and then you can make other food choices from Emerald.

We really need to get this settled.

(Billy and Cassie are FH's brother and sister from his mothers 2nd marraige...She had Shawn when she was 19 so his siblings are 13 and 11...He has always taken a backseat in her life which isnt fair to him...
My parents DONT have the money to pay for the party...and they expressed that IMMEDIATELY to me.) If there is anyhting else I missed let me know!! Thanks girls!!
cuttieforreal Posted:

Re: My situation just exploded with FMIL...**update with EMAIL**

was dat funny ?MeNBobs
Trishthedish Posted:

Re: My situation just exploded with FMIL...**update with EMAIL**

As other girls on here have said, we don't know the entire situation but....from what I read of FMIL email it does not sound like she is trying to be mean. She is expressing that the funds are tight right now and she didn't expect an eparty to cost this much. I think it's very nice that she is willing to pay for part of the eparty. A lot of girls don't even have these parties these days. If you do, that's great if not, it's really no big deal.

I would either try to give the difference in cost or cancel it. This is not your wedding, this is an eparty we are talking about here. I would not let this upset me as you have a lot more planning to do and there are a lot more things during the planning that will mean more to you than this that can upset you. Take it from someone whose planning did not go smooth due to family members.
B22 Posted:

Re: My situation just exploded with FMIL...**update with EMAIL**

Posted by LB and DC

i really hope you don't take offense to this, but i agree with your FMIL. not the part about her backing out of a promise to pay, but the part about it being an engagement party, not a wedding.

this is NOT an attack on you but engagement parties these days, IMO, have gotten WAY out of hand - like a second shower.

if it were me, i'd either cancel and put my energy into planning the rest of the wedding, or else have something much more low-key that i CAN afford.

$3000?? that is outrageous IMO.


I agree. Its an ENGAGEMENT party. You don't have to have one.

If she was acting this way over the wedding, I would be enraged...

I understand you're upset but step back & look at the big picture.

Personally, I think engagement parties are silly. I dont think people who HAVE them are, but I just see it as an extra expense... So maybe that[s why your FMIL is acting that way. Again, thats my OWN opinion and not meant to attack anyone in anyway... just putting out a different perspective

hang in there.
MeNBobs Posted:

Re: My situation just exploded with FMIL...**update with EMAIL**

Posted by cuttieforreal

was dat funny ?MeNBobs


Yes dat was very funny.
Do you think she should send deposit slips with her invites or put a collection basket out the day of the party.
B22 Posted:

Re: My situation just exploded with FMIL...**update with EMAIL**

Posted by JennysMOH

It is nice that you want to have an e-party but honestly it is not necessary. For my sister's engagement we had a luncheon for the bride's family and the groom's family ( 10 people in total) because a lot of people get put out thinking that its just another way to get presents. Between bridal shower, bachelorette party and the wedding it adds up. I think that is why a lot of people forgo the engagement party in order to save more for the wedding.

I agree with MJ Doc, she said it perfectly.


I agree 100% I come from a VERY large family... and with all the weddings, bridal showers, baby showers... if you throw engagement parties in there, we would ALL be broke.
PeterNina Mom Posted:

Re: My situation just exploded with FMIL...**update with EMAIL**

Posted by MJDoc12

well after reading the email--i have to say--i don't think its that upsetting. she didn't exactly come out and be viscious to you---obviously we don't know the entire situation---but she seems to be saying that she's tight on money, especially with the holidays coming around.

there seems to be a misunderstanding here--as her email states that she thought others would be helping--and you say she said she would pay for it all herself.....so obviously something was miscommunicated here.

but in the end--she is right--this is an e-party--not a wedding. i would either a)cancel it all b)try and get more help in paying for it or c)trim some stuff---like the DJ--do you honestly NEED a dj for an e-party? or something else. just throwing my 2 cents to help lighten the situation

You are soo smart and reasonable Melissa and I totally agree with you too.
cuttieforreal Posted:

Re: My situation just exploded with FMIL...**update with EMAIL**

Posted by MeNBobs

Posted by cuttieforreal

was dat funny ?MeNBobs


Yes dat was very funny.
Do you think she should send deposit slips with her invites or put a collection basket out the day of the party.



was just saying definately she will have cousins dat they r quite close n even friends .I can ask d money from some of my close friends that i know wont raise a brow about it as far as am corncerned but after all and said its depends on the kind of rapour level everybody is on .
B22 Posted:

Re: My situation just exploded with FMIL...**update with EMAIL**

Posted by cuttieforreal

Posted by MeNBobs

Posted by cuttieforreal

was dat funny ?MeNBobs


Yes dat was very funny.
Do you think she should send deposit slips with her invites or put a collection basket out the day of the party.



was just saying definately she will have cousins dat they r quite close n even friends .I can ask d money from some of my close friends that i know wont raise a brow about it as far as am corncerned but after all and said its depends on the kind of rapour level everybody is on .


I understand what your saying.... but if you can't afford an engagement party, then don't have one. I think it would be rude to ask people to contribute to it... But as you said, it depends on what type of rapport you have with them...

A wedding might be another story
beram63 Posted:

Re: My situation just exploded with FMIL...**update with EMAIL**

Posted by LB and DC

i really hope you don't take offense to this, but i agree with your FMIL. not the part about her backing out of a promise to pay, but the part about it being an engagement party, not a wedding.

this is NOT an attack on you but engagement parties these days, IMO, have gotten WAY out of hand - like a second shower.

if it were me, i'd either cancel and put my energy into planning the rest of the wedding, or else have something much more low-key that i CAN afford.

$3000?? that is outrageous IMO.


i gently second this. we did our e-party for under $1000 (& made more than this back in cash gifts alone), and everyone had a fabulous time. we used the clubhouse in grandma's development, created a 6 hour playlist on iTunes, baked 8 trays of food plus finger food, bought lots of beer/wine/ingredients for a signature drink, and invited 60 people. if she booked all this stuff (i.e. dj, etc.) then her name should be on the contract, and it's her problem that she's backing out last minute. planning the wedding is stressful enough. try not to let the e-party drive you crazy.
ML110 Posted:

Re: My situation just exploded with FMIL...**update with EMAIL**

i agree with everyone else. it sounds like she was being as reasonable and nice as possible in the e-mail. i don't think she was attacking you guys.
it sounds like when she offered to pay, she didn't expect it to cost so much, and that there was just a miscommunication about it being split.
i also TOTALLY agree that its an ENGAGEMENT party--- not the wedding!!! you don't NEED to have an engagement party! they have gotten out of hand anyway- your family will have plenty of time to get together at the shower and the actual wedding.
if its causing all of you this much stress, maybe you should consider canceling it and planning something a lot smaller. save the stress for the wedding!
LB and DC Posted:

Re: My situation just exploded with FMIL...**update with EMAIL**

Posted by cuttieforreal

Posted by MeNBobs

Posted by cuttieforreal

was dat funny ?MeNBobs


Yes dat was very funny.
Do you think she should send deposit slips with her invites or put a collection basket out the day of the party.



was just saying definately she will have cousins dat they r quite close n even friends .I can ask d money from some of my close friends that i know wont raise a brow about it as far as am corncerned but after all and said its depends on the kind of rapour level everybody is on .


i am sorry, i truly don't mean to be rude, but i do not understand your post at all. i don't know if it's your 'abbreviations' or grammar, but i simply do not understand what you are trying to say. i am amazed that MeN Bobs was able to reply at all.
cuttieforreal Posted:

Re: My situation just exploded with FMIL...**update with EMAIL**

[i am sorry, i truly don't mean to be rude, but i do not understand your post at all. i don't know if it's your 'abbreviations' or grammar, but i simply do not understand what you are trying to say. i am amazed that MeN Bobs was able to reply at all.


how rude can your statement get 'i am amazed that MeN Bobs was able to reply at all. ' i guess ure just been politely rude then but its not about me its about finding a solution to rocketsummer17 post n no offence taken :)
autumnbride10 Posted:

Re: My situation just exploded with FMIL...**update with EMAIL**

Posted by LB and DC

i really hope you don't take offense to this, but i agree with your FMIL. not the part about her backing out of a promise to pay, but the part about it being an engagement party, not a wedding.

this is NOT an attack on you but engagement parties these days, IMO, have gotten WAY out of hand - like a second shower.

if it were me, i'd either cancel and put my energy into planning the rest of the wedding, or else have something much more low-key that i CAN afford.

$3000?? that is outrageous IMO.



I have to say I agree. That $3000 could be out to your wedding. Is there a way to scale down on the party to cut costs, or to do something after the Holidays?
HappyPlanner Posted:

Re: My situation just exploded with FMIL...**update with EMAIL**

I would probably say to the MIL, if it's such a hassle and too much $$, then let's cancel....$3000 is a lot that you can use towards the wedding. You don't want this engagemnet party to cause a lot of stress between you and MIL, cuz that wouldn't be a good start to any new life together with your FH.

I know this isn't what you want to hear...

If your MIL protests, then say you wouldn't mind scaling it down to just CLOSE friends and family and doing a casual event...even at someone's house....

RisiLeigh Posted:

Re: My situation just exploded with FMIL...**update with EMAIL**

It's very sad to say but anything done in emails or IMs or even text messages can get misconstrued SO easily! You can't hear the person's tone, etc. I have gotten into so many fights with friends b/c things were taken the wrong way in emails. And actually my BMs were fighting in emails, too! They finally decided to stop emailing and just use the phone!

I'm sorry you're going thru such a rough time. I would seriously sit everyone down and discuss it and don't do anymore emailing LOL!
siffleuse319 Posted:

Re: My situation just exploded with FMIL...**update with EMAIL**

I had, hosted, cooked and paid for everything at my $4000 engagement party. My FH and I are in no way financially well off, but nor are my parents. I can tell you two things that I learned:
1... it's much better to do the bulk of the work on your own. That way, you can make your own decisions, take advantage of yourself, get pissy with yourself, and congratulate yourself. When other people start spending excessive amounts of money that they don't really have, emotions inevitably come into play.
And most importantly..2......it is about celebrating love, and about bridging memories between two families that will eventually be bound into one. That's the real purpose of an engagement party. No need to stress, it will all work out if you proceed in the name of love. (Dorky but oh so true). FM me for more of my personal scoop on the whole financial nightmare if you'd like. And please, enjoy this time, no matter who or what seems to be bringing you down.
rkl1130 Posted:

Re: My situation just exploded with FMIL...**update with EMAIL**

Posted by autumnbride10

Posted by LB and DC

i really hope you don't take offense to this, but i agree with your FMIL. not the part about her backing out of a promise to pay, but the part about it being an engagement party, not a wedding.

this is NOT an attack on you but engagement parties these days, IMO, have gotten WAY out of hand - like a second shower.

if it were me, i'd either cancel and put my energy into planning the rest of the wedding, or else have something much more low-key that i CAN afford.

$3000?? that is outrageous IMO.



I have to say I agree. That $3000 could be out to your wedding. Is there a way to scale down on the party to cut costs, or to do something after the Holidays?


I have to agree with this as well.

It is your engagement part and not your wedding. It sounds like there was a lot of miscommunication and you can't fault your FMIL for try to compromise and come up with another solution.

Don't stress about this too much--$3,000 is a lot of money and if it were me, I'd take it and put it towards the wedding instead.
Colette Posted:

Re: My situation just exploded with FMIL...**update with EMAIL**

I'll have to fall in on the majority with this one. I thought FMIL's email was lucid and rational - just stating the financial facts. I wouldn't want anyone I love to go into debt in order to 'do the right thing' by me. I also agree with the others who consider an e-party entirely OPTIONAL. From the guest's perspective its kind of a pain in the a**, to be frank. I have a large family and we do a congratulatory dinner at the parent's homes. Its just a gesture, not a full out party with djs and favors, etc...

While engaged, we ask our friends and family to shell out a LOT of $$$$, and a LOT of effort on our behalf. If the e-party can be done easily and without putting any one out, go for it. If its a burden to ANYONE, I say skip it. Of course your friends and family are happy for you both - and an e-party isn't required to show that.

You have over 2 years until the big day so a compromise might be...
1) to wait until next year, a bit closer to the wedding, when the financial pressure of the holidays and the new year is eased on fmil and everyone else
2)skip it altogether, save the money toward the wedding
3)scale down to a small party you and FH pay for and organize yourselves (i.e. with complete control of guest list)....

Its been said before but bears repeating, your engagement is a BEAUTIFUL time in your life which you want to look back on and have great memories of... Finding the compromise now that works for you will help that happen!!!
Good luck to you, hope it all works out!!!!
Cpt2007 Posted:

Re: My situation just exploded with FMIL...**update with EMAIL**

Posted by carolinep24

Posted by LB and DC

i really hope you don't take offense to this, but i agree with your FMIL. not the part about her backing out of a promise to pay, but the part about it being an engagement party, not a wedding.

this is NOT an attack on you but engagement parties these days, IMO, have gotten WAY out of hand - like a second shower.

if it were me, i'd either cancel and put my energy into planning the rest of the wedding, or else have something much more low-key that i CAN afford.

$3000?? that is outrageous IMO.


I agree. Its an ENGAGEMENT party. You don't have to have one.

If she was acting this way over the wedding, I would be enraged...

I understand you're upset but step back & look at the big picture.

Personally, I think engagement parties are silly. I dont think people who HAVE them are, but I just see it as an extra expense... So maybe that[s why your FMIL is acting that way. Again, thats my OWN opinion and not meant to attack anyone in anyway... just putting out a different perspective

hang in there.


I agree 100%.
LeeLee111 Posted:

Re: My situation just exploded with FMIL...**update with EMAIL**

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I'm in a very similiar situation with my FMIL and all that really matters is that this planning process (engagement party & all) is about you and FH. Maybe if you keep some distance from her she'll see she cant treat you both that way. I sympathize and I'm here to chat if you need.\

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