Need about a million prayers for me and FH-- UPDATE p 2

You know it's funny. I was just looking at all of the husband cards at work today, and all of things that they said that were so meaningful. I was thinking about how I feel so secure and how happy I feel that we're past the point where we worry about an argument, even a huge one, and how nothing could come between us, we'll work out any problems we encounter. I couldn;t wait to be with FH this weekend. Even though we have to see his family sunday for the grave unveiling, I figured it would all be ok. I even suggested that next weekend we ask his sister (whome we don't get along with) if she wants to ake nice for the day so we can take his mom out for mother's day, to make her happy that all of her children are together.

So then tonight I was in bed when FH came over after work. I'm coming down with something. And we're discussing our plans for tomorrow, what we're doing looking for a used car, etc. ANd there was a possibility that FH's dad was going to come and help us look at cards and/or give/loan us some of the $$ for the car. So I asked D to call his dad just to clarify what the plans were. His dad went into this entire lecture about how we should buy the car at auction and we're going to get ripped off otherwise and blah blah (His parents will NOT help you unlless you do it THEIR way. they make it seem like anything other than their way is wrong..they even tried to do this with my e-ring). So DOug kept telling his dad we've been looking the cars up and checking them out and chekcing out their blue book value and his dad was lecturing about that..but he didn't know what he was talking about. So I was trying to explain how I came to the value I did for the car, because there are 3 different bllue book vlaues, it doens;t just mena one thing anymore..and his dad got pissed at me talking in the background..'it's not a conference call'...and he continued to lecture then FH got on the phone with his mom and he started lecturing him on how we're in a bad situation because we don't accept any help from anyone (I want to know WHAT HELP?) and how we were so stupid to buy expensivew furniture, and she was blaming me for that (even tho I wanted cheap furniture, but since it's his apt and his $$, FH won out. I just helped pick it out becuase it's going to wind up in OUR place when we;re married)... she just kept going on and on and then she said he was henpecked...and FH says I proved her point by doing this...but I got SO angry...I picked up the phone and I said 'you know that is really rude' and I hung up on her. Then she called back and left this terse message on the machine 'Doug, if you're there I suggest you pick up the phone', like really sort of threatening...but he was eating..I was in my room b/.c I wasn't feeling well and FH finally called his mother back to tell her she was wrong for calling him henpecked and that the two of us make decisons together, includng the car and that they can't decide to leave me out of it ( guess that's oart of what his dad was saying0, and then she went off on him, saying ALL kinds of nasty things..and my mom heard all of it. She was cursing like crazy and saying terrible things about me...

and this is the kicker, she said all of these bad things, she said 'Jennifer is just lik her mother she's so(List of bad things), that's why her father left'


Bear in mind that my mother heard this entire thing..and she's going through unimaginable hurt right now with my dad having walke dout after 32 years of marriage...I think he went crazy...and I also think FMIL is gloating b/c she was always jealous of my parnets b/c they were always doing everything together.

Anyway, FH was so shocked, he said 'how can you say that?' and he was just crying and she KEPT GOING, and then finally he just said 'I can't talk anymore tonight..i love you goodbye'.

The he came into my room crying and he just wanted to leave. He didn't even want to tell my what happenned.

I was shaking and I called his mom and she picked up the phone all annnoyed and angry and I said 'You know what, i'm glad I'm just like my mother because she's a wonderful woman, and you're a disgusting person for saying horrible things about her. How can you say that' and she was trying to say she also thinks my mom is wonderful and she said it out of anger, and I was trying to say tht you just don't say those things to people, and if yu have that kind of evil in your heart, blah blah...but then FFIL gets on the phone and asks me if doug cna hear it. I had no idea why the eff he was asking this so I used his line and I said 'it's not a conference call right?' and he said 'doug can't hear you, you're tdoign this behind his back. You're so disgusting, ypu have no respect for parents' and he hung up on me. umm..as if my FH would be mad in any way for me defending my mom, and as if me defending my mom is disrespecting them. This is like the lasty straw. these people ahve been disrespecting me, my family and my fh for so long. I've hadit

Doug's really upset. We both feel like there's no solution. I told him maybe he needs to just break up with me and go reuunite with his whole family, because there's just no way in hell I'm dealing with them. I told him there is just NO apology in the world that will make me ever want to ahve ANYTHING to do with them, and I don't know if he can be happ w.o his parents in his life. I got so angry with him for not defending me. All he said was 'How could you say that?' he said he was in complete shock and crying, but he let his mother continue and say ALL she wnated to say, and when she was done, he told her he doesn't want to talk about it anymore and said 'I love you goodnbye'...that kills me. He couldn;t defend me, but he could tell her he loves her? how could he be even thinking that then. I just feel like he dropped the ball majorly. He had the chance to defend me and not allow me and my mother to be disrespected, but he just let it happen. I feel like, if he can't defend me against something so horrible, how is he going to protect me for the rest of my life. I don't remember how it happenned but I gave him the ring back.I don't want to break up, but I don't see a solution right now. His family won't be satisfied until they break us up, and he can't just say 'f--k them' cause it's his parents. He has a hard enough time with us not talking to his sister. He can't hold a grudge against anyone, he just wants everything to be nice an dhappy and I just don't feel like he did the right thing tonight...and tonight was when I really needed to be defended. Things just get more and more complicated with his family. The stronger FH and I are, the more they try to put a wedge between us. I can't and won't be disrespected fo the rest of my life, but how do I make him choose between me and his family? I know he's choose me, but would he be happy? What about our wedding, with only one of our 4 parents there? what about my children with only 1 grandparent. I'm so upset and confused. He's coming over tomorrow to talk, I just dnn't know. We might try to make an appointment to go see a priest or something. I've had them isnult me before, and even insult my parents befor,e but to say that about ym mother, who is already hurting and greving, is just horrible. And it's my DAD whow as wrong. My mother's not bad. She did nthing but support and love my dad, until he went crazy or whatever and walked out on her. He's the *******. it's no reflection on my mom. How DARE they say that. How dARE they. I won't let anyone hurt my mother.

Now FH's grandparnets' grave unveiling is sunday, he feels he needs to go b/c of his grandparents, but I don't think its a good diea. his family will NOT hesitate to start a fight whether it's a wedding, a funeral, a shiva, anything. I don't want to even LOOK at his family nad besides which, how could we ruin his grandparents' day with fighting.

I just don't know what to do with me and FH. I feel so lost since he left tonight. He was too tired and needed to get home..I feel so empty since he left and so naked w/o my ring (we've been engaged for a long time..and obviously the ring has been so important to me). I just can't sit idly by and allow all this and make it okayfor him to not defend me. I don't know. We need a lot of prayers if we're going to find a solution. If not I'll need a lot of prayers for getting through the loss of the love of my life.

Thanks ladies.

I don't really know what to say other than you guys are in a really tough position. You both have to decide how and if you want to make this work. You can't expect to change anyone it's a matter of how much are you willing to put up with for the sake of the relationship/marriage.

Many hugs and prayers being sent your way.

omg Jenn---

I know in my heart that things will work out for you two. You have each other, and you belong together. Throughout your lives, there will be tons of external forces that will try to impose on your happiness, but you know exactly what you have to do.

I would go to the grave unveiling (You AND Doug) out of respect for his grandparents. Stick together, and you'll get through this.

His parents are adults. If they were able to raise your amazing FH, they're bright enough to realize that they were wrong, and they'll come around.

It's going to be rough until they do, but they will.

much love

Good God, I am so sorry. That is just awful. I don't understand why people can and choose to be so cruel. His parents obviously have a lot of issues with control...it seems like they feel they are losing control of HIM with YOU in the picture.

I am all for love and the strength of it. If you really love each other, try to work things out. It doesn't come very often in life, it's something to hold on too....even if it seems inpossible at times.

Good luck hun!! hugs and prayers for you and FH!

I would love to say something that would make you feel better. I just wish I knew what it was. Know that your friends here on LIW are thinking of you and support you during this tough time.

i totally dont blame you for defending your mom. his mother and father are very out of line and you have every right to be angry.

i hope you find a way to work things out. engagment and marriage are such beautiful gifts and its such a shame that his family is trying to ruin it for you both. but you really really need to look at your relationshipwith him - not with his family. please dont let them get in the way of what you two have. good luck to you both

Thanks everyone.I don't know what to do. I know his parents won't 'come around' it's been years of this. Fh doens't talk to his sister and I really believe it's more b/c of his mom than anything else, because she'll just keep bringing things up and brigning them up. I hate those people, and noq obviously my whole family ahtes them. I didn't get to sleep until 5am and my mom told my sister what happenned and my sister called me screaming at 9. Like, w t f am I supposed to do? I can call up my in laws 1000 times and yell at them and tell them they're wrong, and they can hang up on me 1000 times. It doens't really matter unless it comes from FH.

What bothers me is how fake these people are. They act like they're so nice to me and they love me so much, and then as soon as FH does something they don't like or theres an argument, they drag me through the mud. Istarted going out with Fh when we were 17. They're still blaming me for how much he's changed over the years, and they want their old son back. The thing is, it's not be. Their son has been growing up, turning into a man, and that's what they don't like. Any person is going to change a lot when they go to college and form their own identity. I think there's been a lot of positive change in FH, they think it's negative because he no longer takes (as much) BS from them and he stands up for himself (sometimes). I don't know what makes him so unable to argue with anyone, or tell them they're wrong or hurt them. I'm so opposite that. If someone does something I feel is wrong, just TRY to get e to keep my mouth shut. I'm just really hurt by that. Everyone's calling my FH a wuss and that relly hurts me. I know he wussed out. I understand that he was also hurt and shocked and crying, but there was nothing that should have stopped him from standing up for me. He's never really given his aprents a peice of his mind, and I'm so tired of fighting all the battles for both of us. I am strong enough and loudmouthed enough and quick thinking enough for the two of us, but I shouldn't have to be. I deserve to feel protected too. It's so funny, if anyone knows the lyrics to one of the contenders for our first dance song 'glory of love' by peter cetera. I realized last night that it's such a lie.

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Posted by Preshy7

i totally dont blame you for defending your mom. his mother and father are very out of line and you have every right to be angry.

i hope you find a way to work things out. engagment and marriage are such beautiful gifts and its such a shame that his family is trying to ruin it for you both. but you really really need to look at your relationshipwith him - not with his family. please dont let them get in the way of what you two have. good luck to you both

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it's funny because he admitted something big last night. he admitrted that his mom is trying to get between us. He said 'you know, she won...she turned you against me'

Im sorry that you are going through this tough time and I do hope it works out for you.
All I can say is hang in there!

Good Luck!

i'm not sure what to say to you. i hope things work out for you to. many hugs and prays to you and fh

i have no words of wisdom, just these

oh wow.. that is rough situation

I think in my opinions Id go to the grave site w fh and if they want to start a fight , let them. They will look like the idiots. Just keep your calm and say something like 'this is a funeral, we arent talking about this here'

they will feel like idiots and you will be doing the right thing.
If you dont go thats one more thing they will always hold agaisnt you.

Your damned if you do and damned if you dont, but I think that going is prob the right thing to do for this sitiation

im so sorry!!! Remember, everything happens for a reason, and what is meant to be will be... those thoughts have gotten me through a lot in life... maybe this will be the push that your FI needs to finally break away from his parents... I know what you mean about FILs offering help and their way being the only right way and if you want the help you have to do it their way... it ***** and makes things so damn hard.

I think parents sometimes forget that the children they have dont belong to them... they only get to borrow them for a short time before they blossom and go out on their own... sometimes children need to realize this too, that they cant always depend on their parents, they get to leave and create their own family...It is hard and no one should ever have to ask their FI to choose between them and their family, but sometimes a choice does have to be made... I think it is better that you are dealing with this now, than later down the line... he needs to make it clear to his parents that if that choice ever came, he would choose you...

Im so sorry for everything you are going through. I hope this kind of helps. You must be so angry and upset... i wouldnt even have the strength to go to the grave unveiling... you are a strong person for that. I also dont blame you for throwing the ring back... this is a serious situation, and sometimes that action makes those bozo men realize just how serious the issue is...

Im sure it will all work out for the best!

Jenn,

I'm soooo sorry you are going through this. I wish I had some magical solution.

I'd say to go to the grave unveiling too---for his grandparents--or down the line he may regret having not gone. Like Jen said, if they try to start anything, just say NOW is not the time or place.

I can understand your hurt that FH did not protect you, although it sounds as if he's never truly been the outspoken one. Also realize what a hard place he was in with his FW sitting besides him and his parents on the other line---he was in a no win situation (at the time). I'm sure he was just trying to calm things down all around & doing what he could to not elevate things or make his parents more hostile. PLEASE realize I'm not defending him at all, just saying he was in a hard position at the time.

I'd be very hurt and upset b/c like you said I'd be thinking how could this man back me up and support me and protect me if he can't stand up for me against his parents.

How you mentioned his parents being jealous of your parents' relationship (in the past), it also sounds as if she/they are jealous of your relationship with her son---your taking him away from them (or how she sees it in her eyes). And also maybe how strong your relationship is.

I think talking to a priest or counselor would definitely help the situation. There is a lot to be thought out and considered.

Although in the end it is about you & him, the family does play such a significant role. I have a friend that recently got married and her inlaws just do not like her and anytime she goes over there there is an uncomfortableness and arguments and although she loves him to pieces, the situation is just really tough.

to you Jenn. Please don't make any rash decisions.

Jenn,
Having come from similar circumstances your problem speaks right to my heart. (It is my father's parents who we have issues with). My parents realized that you just can't deal with crazy people rationally. You are trying to deal with them like a rational and sane person, unfortunately their responses are neither rational nor sane. Like my dad, I think your DF has been beaten down by his parents. His saying good by/I love you was his way of avoiding the situation.
It goes to the root of who he is. I realized that with my own DF, like my dad, they both do the same thing. It is part of the core of their beings. It is really hard to be the strong one who is sticking up for the group. I feel like when someone attacks me and DF is with me I want him to come to my defense. Not to defend the other person or do nothing. It is one of my/our issues.

I have no advice - but just wanted to let you know that I understand.
Lisa

I totally feel for you and your situation. It is so hard to deal with inlaws that are difficult and horrible. You all need to sit down together with a family therapist or an impartial person and just talk through this. Don't let them get in teh way of your love for your FI. Then they are winning. Good luck with everything and keep us all posted on what happens. -- Lauren

You have FM

I wish I had words of advice that would solve this for you or words of comfort, but I just don't know what to say. I continue to be amazed at how irrational and strange some people can be. Instead of being happy that their son has found the love of his life, his parents are choosing to be difficult, angry and mean. You have dealt with this far longer than I would have, you're a strong person. My thoughts are with you.

I'm so sorry. This is a miserable position for you and your FH to be in. I understand your need to feel protected....I think we would all feel that way in this situation.

I think your FH needs to have a long talk with his mom. Maybe he needs to practice what he wants to say, but in the end, she has to know that she cannot say nasty things about you. Period.

I hope things work out for you. Definitely keep us updated.

Jenn, I am so sorry to hear all of this. Its a terrible situation for both you and FH. I do think you should go to the funeral, out of respect. After that, you need to give all of this some serious thought. Its a real issue that you feel you will enver feel 'protected.' My relationship with an ex was very similar. His parents hated me, and I knew that they would make my life absolutely miserable. He never stood up for me and it was awful...
Like it has been said, everything happens for a reason, and fate will work itself out... my thoughts and prayers are with you, and if you need anything please let me know.
-Lauren