Need about a million prayers for me and FH-- UPDATE p 2

Original post by marymoon

Apr 30, 2005 03:01 AM

You know it's funny. I was just looking at all of the husband cards at work today, and all of things that they said that were so meaningful. I was thinking about how I feel so secure and how happy I feel that we're past the point where we worry about an argument, even a huge one, and how nothing could come between us, we'll work out any problems we encounter. I couldn;t wait to be with FH this weekend. Even though we have to see his family sunday for the grave unveiling, I figured it would all be ok. I even suggested that next weekend we ask his sister (whome we don't get along with) if she wants to ake nice for the day so we can take his mom out for mother's day, to make her happy that all of her children are together.

So then tonight I was in bed when FH came over after work. I'm coming down with something. And we're discussing our plans for tomorrow, what we're doing looking for a used car, etc. ANd there was a possibility that FH's dad was going to come and help us look at cards and/or give/loan us some of the $$ for the car. So I asked D to call his dad just to clarify what the plans were. His dad went into this entire lecture about how we should buy the car at auction and we're going to get ripped off otherwise and blah blah (His parents will NOT help you unlless you do it THEIR way. they make it seem like anything other than their way is wrong..they even tried to do this with my e-ring). So DOug kept telling his dad we've been looking the cars up and checking them out and chekcing out their blue book value and his dad was lecturing about that..but he didn't know what he was talking about. So I was trying to explain how I came to the value I did for the car, because there are 3 different bllue book vlaues, it doens;t just mena one thing anymore..and his dad got pissed at me talking in the background..'it's not a conference call'...and he continued to lecture then FH got on the phone with his mom and he started lecturing him on how we're in a bad situation because we don't accept any help from anyone (I want to know WHAT HELP?) and how we were so stupid to buy expensivew furniture, and she was blaming me for that (even tho I wanted cheap furniture, but since it's his apt and his $$, FH won out. I just helped pick it out becuase it's going to wind up in OUR place when we;re married)... she just kept going on and on and then she said he was henpecked...and FH says I proved her point by doing this...but I got SO angry...I picked up the phone and I said 'you know that is really rude' and I hung up on her. Then she called back and left this terse message on the machine 'Doug, if you're there I suggest you pick up the phone', like really sort of threatening...but he was eating..I was in my room b/.c I wasn't feeling well and FH finally called his mother back to tell her she was wrong for calling him henpecked and that the two of us make decisons together, includng the car and that they can't decide to leave me out of it ( guess that's oart of what his dad was saying0, and then she went off on him, saying ALL kinds of nasty things..and my mom heard all of it. She was cursing like crazy and saying terrible things about me...

and this is the kicker, she said all of these bad things, she said 'Jennifer is just lik her mother she's so(List of bad things), that's why her father left'

Bear in mind that my mother heard this entire thing..and she's going through unimaginable hurt right now with my dad having walke dout after 32 years of marriage...I think he went crazy...and I also think FMIL is gloating b/c she was always jealous of my parnets b/c they were always doing everything together.

Anyway, FH was so shocked, he said 'how can you say that?' and he was just crying and she KEPT GOING, and then finally he just said 'I can't talk anymore tonight..i love you goodbye'.

The he came into my room crying and he just wanted to leave. He didn't even want to tell my what happenned.

I was shaking and I called his mom and she picked up the phone all annnoyed and angry and I said 'You know what, i'm glad I'm just like my mother because she's a wonderful woman, and you're a disgusting person for saying horrible things about her. How can you say that' and she was trying to say she also thinks my mom is wonderful and she said it out of anger, and I was trying to say tht you just don't say those things to people, and if yu have that kind of evil in your heart, blah blah...but then FFIL gets on the phone and asks me if doug cna hear it. I had no idea why the eff he was asking this so I used his line and I said 'it's not a conference call right?' and he said 'doug can't hear you, you're tdoign this behind his back. You're so disgusting, ypu have no respect for parents' and he hung up on me. umm..as if my FH would be mad in any way for me defending my mom, and as if me defending my mom is disrespecting them. This is like the lasty straw. these people ahve been disrespecting me, my family and my fh for so long. I've hadit

Doug's really upset. We both feel like there's no solution. I told him maybe he needs to just break up with me and go reuunite with his whole family, because there's just no way in hell I'm dealing with them. I told him there is just NO apology in the world that will make me ever want to ahve ANYTHING to do with them, and I don't know if he can be happ w.o his parents in his life. I got so angry with him for not defending me. All he said was 'How could you say that?' he said he was in complete shock and crying, but he let his mother continue and say ALL she wnated to say, and when she was done, he told her he doesn't want to talk about it anymore and said 'I love you goodnbye'...that kills me. He couldn;t defend me, but he could tell her he loves her? how could he be even thinking that then. I just feel like he dropped the ball majorly. He had the chance to defend me and not allow me and my mother to be disrespected, but he just let it happen. I feel like, if he can't defend me against something so horrible, how is he going to protect me for the rest of my life. I don't remember how it happenned but I gave him the ring back.I don't want to break up, but I don't see a solution right now. His family won't be satisfied until they break us up, and he can't just say 'f--k them' cause it's his parents. He has a hard enough time with us not talking to his sister. He can't hold a grudge against anyone, he just wants everything to be nice an dhappy and I just don't feel like he did the right thing tonight...and tonight was when I really needed to be defended. Things just get more and more complicated with his family. The stronger FH and I are, the more they try to put a wedge between us. I can't and won't be disrespected fo the rest of my life, but how do I make him choose between me and his family? I know he's choose me, but would he be happy? What about our wedding, with only one of our 4 parents there? what about my children with only 1 grandparent. I'm so upset and confused. He's coming over tomorrow to talk, I just dnn't know. We might try to make an appointment to go see a priest or something. I've had them isnult me before, and even insult my parents befor,e but to say that about ym mother, who is already hurting and greving, is just horrible. And it's my DAD whow as wrong. My mother's not bad. She did nthing but support and love my dad, until he went crazy or whatever and walked out on her. He's the *******. it's no reflection on my mom. How DARE they say that. How dARE they. I won't let anyone hurt my mother.

Now FH's grandparnets' grave unveiling is sunday, he feels he needs to go b/c of his grandparents, but I don't think its a good diea. his family will NOT hesitate to start a fight whether it's a wedding, a funeral, a shiva, anything. I don't want to even LOOK at his family nad besides which, how could we ruin his grandparents' day with fighting.

I just don't know what to do with me and FH. I feel so lost since he left tonight. He was too tired and needed to get home..I feel so empty since he left and so naked w/o my ring (we've been engaged for a long time..and obviously the ring has been so important to me). I just can't sit idly by and allow all this and make it okayfor him to not defend me. I don't know. We need a lot of prayers if we're going to find a solution. If not I'll need a lot of prayers for getting through the loss of the love of my life.

Thanks ladies.

CC59 Posted: May 03, 2005 05:31 PM

Re: Need about a million prayers for me and FH-- UPDATE p 2

I can't believe they made a scene at the unveiling!! Seriously that shows that they're a little cukoo. It might be good for you and your honey to go for counseling just to hear some advice on how to deal with the family since they will be a part of your life and his. Good luck...it sounds like you have a great guy!

Wintersbride Posted: May 03, 2005 07:26 PM

Re: Need about a million prayers for me and FH-- UPDATE p 2

I am so sorry you are going through this. Believe me, I have had my share of psycho FMIL's. The way they acted at the unvieling goes beyond inappropriate and disrespectful. It's not a way you act at an occasion like that for someone you claim to love. It's a difficult situation. It seems that his parents will not be happy unless they have control of FH's life...and it's like you are a threat to that control for them. It's very important that FH did stick up for you. Once you are married you will be his family...not to say he should love his parents any less, but you will be the one sharing your life with him, which makes you more of a priority (I feel). I don't think you were wrong in the way you reacted. You calling her rude (when she made the first assult) was not worthy of the things she said or done. Unfortunately, FH will have to eventually make a choice...especially when you are the mother of his children. One thing I've learned...it's better to have one good grandparent, then the full 2 pairs who are disfunctional and toxic. You have my . I really do hope you and FH work this out. A strong relationship will get through this...and yours is strong. The important think is that FH has his priorities straight and does not get 'guilted' into allowing his FW to be verbally and emotionally assulted. FH is an adult...his parents need to get over the need to control his life.Sending you lots of . I know things will work out. I have been there...

marymoon Posted: May 03, 2005 09:05 PM

Re: Need about a million prayers for me and FH-- UPDATE p 2

Thanks so much for the support. I need it so much and it helps so so much!

You're so right. it's all about control. It's so beyond the beyonds at this point, though I guess it always has been. When FH was in college, and ZFH used to come home a lot to visit me, they'd threaten to stop paying for college if he kept coming home (so he'd still visit and stay at my house...haha).

Also, I mean, the most ridiculous things. His mom made a comment the other night about how I didn't have to be there b/c it 'wasn't a date' Ok I've been with FH for almsot 6 years. I knew his grandparents. His grandpa was quiet and I didn't know him that well but in the last year I really had a good relationship with his grandma. I would call her every once in awhile to ask her how she was doing and FH and I would go visit and we'd take her to lunch or vice versa. I was very sad to lose her. Even if I didn't know them, after 6 years, the place I belong is beside my FH, and if they are too insane to see that then I feel abdly for them. They were syaing how his cousin didn't bring his gf. He met this girl on jdate like 3 mos ago. Doug and I have known each other for , I don't know 8 years now. I think there's a difference. And then she cited how I got pissed when Doug's parents wouldn't let him come to my unclle's funeral (this was when we were still in HS). First of all it was 5 years ago, and 2nd of all I had every right to want my boyfriend to be there to support me. She said 'it's not a date'. 3 months before that when my grandmother (who lived downstairs for us and was like a 2nd mother to me) passed away, Doug's parents wouldn't let him come to the wake or come over, because we were 'spending too much tome together'...my grandmother had just DIED. Didn't I need moral support? These people blow my ever loving mind with their stupidity.

Steph62406 Posted: May 03, 2005 09:41 PM

Re: Need about a million prayers for me and FH-- UPDATE p 2

I really feel bad for you and you fh, I sort of know what you are going threw to make a long story short I also hate fh family they are sick and twisted like Dougs family. It all comes down to the fact that they don't have control of him. The best advise that I have for you is that you be there for him as much as you can and to tell him that he's not the bad one and that he's more of the parent then the child. Everything will work out in the long run just stay strong and don't let them ruin your relationship because it seems to me that they don't want the two of you together. Be strong! !

JPC1125 Posted: May 03, 2005 11:07 PM

Re: Need about a million prayers for me and FH-- UPDATE p 2

im so sorry you have to deal with this- insults and comments like that hurt to the core of a persons being

so maybe it is better that you and your fh go to counseling so you can heal together and learn how to cope when it happens

just know that your fh took a huge step toward you in defending you to his mother... at least you can always hope that once you are married, maybe you two can move and sever yourselves from your 'inlaws'....my parents havent had contact with my dad's family in years because of drama and we were all better off for it

I wish you the best.

Wintersbride Posted: May 04, 2005 01:18 AM

Re: Need about a million prayers for me and FH-- UPDATE p 2

Posted by marymoon

Thanks so much for the support. I need it so much and it helps so so much!

You're so right. it's all about control. It's so beyond the beyonds at this point, though I guess it always has been. When FH was in college, and ZFH used to come home a lot to visit me, they'd threaten to stop paying for college if he kept coming home (so he'd still visit and stay at my house...haha).

Also, I mean, the most ridiculous things. His mom made a comment the other night about how I didn't have to be there b/c it 'wasn't a date' Ok I've been with FH for almsot 6 years. I knew his grandparents. His grandpa was quiet and I didn't know him that well but in the last year I really had a good relationship with his grandma. I would call her every once in awhile to ask her how she was doing and FH and I would go visit and we'd take her to lunch or vice versa. I was very sad to lose her. Even if I didn't know them, after 6 years, the place I belong is beside my FH, and if they are too insane to see that then I feel abdly for them. They were syaing how his cousin didn't bring his gf. He met this girl on jdate like 3 mos ago. Doug and I have known each other for , I don't know 8 years now. I think there's a difference. And then she cited how I got pissed when Doug's parents wouldn't let him come to my unclle's funeral (this was when we were still in HS). First of all it was 5 years ago, and 2nd of all I had every right to want my boyfriend to be there to support me. She said 'it's not a date'. 3 months before that when my grandmother (who lived downstairs for us and was like a 2nd mother to me) passed away, Doug's parents wouldn't let him come to the wake or come over, because we were 'spending too much tome together'...my grandmother had just DIED. Didn't I need moral support? These people blow my ever loving mind with their stupidity.

It seems to me that these people do not realize what family is all about...and it's sad. FH lost his grandmother around Easter, but we have been together for almost 7 years...I am family...I am going to be his wife and this woman was very dear to my heart. I could not even imagen what I would do if his family said that. That's one of those rediculous things that you just stare at someone and there are just no words to describe how rediculous they are!!! That's what the whole point is...to be there for one another. Maybe their marriage isn't too healthy and they don't know what it's all about. I don't know these people, and I hope I don't sound like I am judging them...but that is an awful thing to do to your future daughter in law and your own SON even! I think going for counseling is great...it will help you sort out your feelings and will hopefully allow FH to have the realization of what is going on and what he needs to do. it will strengthen your relationship. Just hang in there. Just know you are not alone. Know that you are a better person then she is!