Need advice

So it's kind of a long story. I'm going to try to make it short. I think some of you know about this based on other posts I've written in the past.

My cousin is 11 months older than me, and has always been one of my best friends. We are completely different people, have different interests and opinions on most things, but we've always made it work and really enjoy each others company. She introduced me to 2 of my other best friends, and although we've argued a lot, I look at her as more of a sister than a cousin (we fight, but at the end of the day, we'll back each other up no matter what).

She and I have always spoken about my wedding and I've always told her that she would be my MOH. I stopped saying this about 2 years ago or so, because, to be honest, she's become flippant, unreliable, irresponsible, and flaky. She doesn't remember plans we make, she changes plans, she can be very sensitive, and she's been depressed more often than not because she is single and feels like she's always going to be alone (which I don't think is the case).

She also makes everything about her. She actually got mad at FH because he didn't tell her before he proposed to me. Luckily, FH thought it was funny as opposed to being offended by her.

Well, there was a whole big deal when we first got engaged, because, even before I asked her to be a bridesmaid, she was going around telling people that she was going to be my MOH. But not even that, instead of saying 'My cousin is getting married', she would say 'I'm going to be a maid of honor'. I sat down with her and told her that I'm not going to have any MOH, all my bridesmaids will be equal and if she'd like to be in charge of one specific responsibility, she can speak with the rest of the bridesmaids and be in charge of that thing.

Now she's decided she's moving out of the country in September. She will most likely not be there for my bridal shower, bachelorette party, or any other wedding related things that I do. She also has not really seemed interested in helping plan, which I don't really mind that much, except for the fact that she threw a hissy fit because I made a dress appointment for a day she couldn't come.

I have a best friend who is reliable, responsible, creative, and wants to help me as much as she can (she lives in Buffalo currently). I want to make her my MOH, because I've realized it will probably be easier to coordinate with my BMs if one of them is in charge of communication. We have been friends since we were 12 years old, lived together in college, and have been through a lot together. We don't argue or fight, even when we disagree. She is thoughtful, selfless, and keeps me sane when I'm stressed.

My question is, do I wait until my cousin is actually out of the country to ask my friend to be my MOH, or is that sneaky and hurtful? I realize my cousin is going to be hurt either way, but I'd like to make it as painless as possible. I would sit down and speak to her about it, but, to be honest, with all the good advice I can give to other people, it's really hard to take my own advice.

Can I make my best friend my MOH without actually even 'officially' calling her that? Or would that be unfair to the friend? We have a joke that she's my SMOH (secret maid of honor), but it's more because she's come up with a lot of ideas I've used so far.

Please help girls!!! Any advice whether it answers my questions or not will be so helpful!

(Thanks for reading this essay!!)

Need advice

I was in a similar situation with my MOH issue. For years I always thought my MOH would be one of my best friends, J. But... flash forward to when I started dating FH... she didn't really show an interest in getting to know him and didn't make an effort to call or hang out with me as much. Which was understandable because she has her own hubby, a 4 year old and at the time she was pregnant with her 2nd. Now she's got her job, her kids and her own husband... and we don't talk as often. I saw her for the first time the other night since I had gotten engaged. What made me happy is that she asked FH to come along as well to get to know him.

Anyway... I made my MOH someone else. My other best friend Nicole, who I had lived with for a while and who I had become extremely close with during that time. Nicole sounds a lot like your best friend because she keeps me sane and we don't fight.

I wasn't J's MOH in her wedding... but I basically was because I did almost all of the work. Her sister was her MOH along with her friend who she had known since they were 4 so I wasn't offended or anything but I basically had to threaten the two of them in the limo because NEITHER ONE of them wanted to make a speech.

Anyway...
My suggestion would be this: Talk to your best friend. Say listen. I didn't want to have a MOH because I feel like the 'title' can cause issues and I didn't want that to happen. But I want someone to be able to come up to bat for me when its time for me to have one person by my side to go to with certain decisions, come to bat for me when its time to organize things, and someone to make a speech at the wedding. I would really be honored if you wouldn't be my 'MOH' but without the title.

And honestly... talk to your cousin and say listen. You're going to be out of the country and I don't want to burden you having to make all the plans and try to come back and forth from abroad for all the events leading up to the wedding. If you can make it... great. If you cant... I understand because overseas flights are insanely pricey. Since the rest of my bridal party is here... I've sort of left (Insert best friends name here) in charge as like the 'go-to' bridesmaid for certain things.

Hope this helps! <3

Re: Need advice

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Posted by katielynn

I was in a similar situation with my MOH issue. For years I always thought my MOH would be one of my best friends, J. But... flash forward to when I started dating FH... she didn't really show an interest in getting to know him and didn't make an effort to call or hang out with me as much. Which was understandable because she has her own hubby, a 4 year old and at the time she was pregnant with her 2nd. Now she's got her job, her kids and her own husband... and we don't talk as often. I saw her for the first time the other night since I had gotten engaged. What made me happy is that she asked FH to come along as well to get to know him.

Anyway... I made my MOH someone else. My other best friend Nicole, who I had lived with for a while and who I had become extremely close with during that time. Nicole sounds a lot like your best friend because she keeps me sane and we don't fight.

I wasn't J's MOH in her wedding... but I basically was because I did almost all of the work. Her sister was her MOH along with her friend who she had known since they were 4 so I wasn't offended or anything but I basically had to threaten the two of them in the limo because NEITHER ONE of them wanted to make a speech.

Anyway...
My suggestion would be this: Talk to your best friend. Say listen. I didn't want to have a MOH because I feel like the 'title' can cause issues and I didn't want that to happen. But I want someone to be able to come up to bat for me when its time for me to have one person by my side to go to with certain decisions, come to bat for me when its time to organize things, and someone to make a speech at the wedding. I would really be honored if you wouldn't be my 'MOH' but without the title.

And honestly... talk to your cousin and say listen. You're going to be out of the country and I don't want to burden you having to make all the plans and try to come back and forth from abroad for all the events leading up to the wedding. If you can make it... great. If you cant... I understand because overseas flights are insanely pricey. Since the rest of my bridal party is here... I've sort of left (Insert best friends name here) in charge as like the 'go-to' bridesmaid for certain things.

Hope this helps! <3

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This is excellent advice. I just wanted to add that I don't think your best friend would be offended if you asked her to be your MOH-but-not-really. You've made it clear that you don't want titles, you're just entrusting her to keep communication open between everybody. As for your cousin, well, there's probably not a tactful way to talk to her where she won't end up feeling slightly hurt. But if you say what katielynn suggested above, you're making it sound as if you don't want to burden her with the responsibilities when she won't even be in the country. That's the best way to handle it, I think.

Re: Need advice

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Posted by Lori0413

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Posted by katielynn

I was in a similar situation with my MOH issue. For years I always thought my MOH would be one of my best friends, J. But... flash forward to when I started dating FH... she didn't really show an interest in getting to know him and didn't make an effort to call or hang out with me as much. Which was understandable because she has her own hubby, a 4 year old and at the time she was pregnant with her 2nd. Now she's got her job, her kids and her own husband... and we don't talk as often. I saw her for the first time the other night since I had gotten engaged. What made me happy is that she asked FH to come along as well to get to know him.

Anyway... I made my MOH someone else. My other best friend Nicole, who I had lived with for a while and who I had become extremely close with during that time. Nicole sounds a lot like your best friend because she keeps me sane and we don't fight.

I wasn't J's MOH in her wedding... but I basically was because I did almost all of the work. Her sister was her MOH along with her friend who she had known since they were 4 so I wasn't offended or anything but I basically had to threaten the two of them in the limo because NEITHER ONE of them wanted to make a speech.

Anyway...
My suggestion would be this: Talk to your best friend. Say listen. I didn't want to have a MOH because I feel like the 'title' can cause issues and I didn't want that to happen. But I want someone to be able to come up to bat for me when its time for me to have one person by my side to go to with certain decisions, come to bat for me when its time to organize things, and someone to make a speech at the wedding. I would really be honored if you wouldn't be my 'MOH' but without the title.

And honestly... talk to your cousin and say listen. You're going to be out of the country and I don't want to burden you having to make all the plans and try to come back and forth from abroad for all the events leading up to the wedding. If you can make it... great. If you cant... I understand because overseas flights are insanely pricey. Since the rest of my bridal party is here... I've sort of left (Insert best friends name here) in charge as like the 'go-to' bridesmaid for certain things.

Hope this helps! <3

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This is excellent advice. I just wanted to add that I don't think your best friend would be offended if you asked her to be your MOH-but-not-really. You've made it clear that you don't want titles, you're just entrusting her to keep communication open between everybody. As for your cousin, well, there's probably not a tactful way to talk to her where she won't end up feeling slightly hurt. But if you say what katielynn suggested above, you're making it sound as if you don't want to burden her with the responsibilities when she won't even be in the country. That's the best way to handle it, I think.

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THIS. I think you need to accept that your cousin will be slightly hurt but making it about the responsibilities of the title, as opposed to the honor, will make it easier. I'm sorry you have to go through this!!

Re: Need advice

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Posted by luckyerialc

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Posted by Lori0413

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Posted by katielynn

I was in a similar situation with my MOH issue. For years I always thought my MOH would be one of my best friends, J. But... flash forward to when I started dating FH... she didn't really show an interest in getting to know him and didn't make an effort to call or hang out with me as much. Which was understandable because she has her own hubby, a 4 year old and at the time she was pregnant with her 2nd. Now she's got her job, her kids and her own husband... and we don't talk as often. I saw her for the first time the other night since I had gotten engaged. What made me happy is that she asked FH to come along as well to get to know him.

Anyway... I made my MOH someone else. My other best friend Nicole, who I had lived with for a while and who I had become extremely close with during that time. Nicole sounds a lot like your best friend because she keeps me sane and we don't fight.

I wasn't J's MOH in her wedding... but I basically was because I did almost all of the work. Her sister was her MOH along with her friend who she had known since they were 4 so I wasn't offended or anything but I basically had to threaten the two of them in the limo because NEITHER ONE of them wanted to make a speech.

Anyway...
My suggestion would be this: Talk to your best friend. Say listen. I didn't want to have a MOH because I feel like the 'title' can cause issues and I didn't want that to happen. But I want someone to be able to come up to bat for me when its time for me to have one person by my side to go to with certain decisions, come to bat for me when its time to organize things, and someone to make a speech at the wedding. I would really be honored if you wouldn't be my 'MOH' but without the title.

And honestly... talk to your cousin and say listen. You're going to be out of the country and I don't want to burden you having to make all the plans and try to come back and forth from abroad for all the events leading up to the wedding. If you can make it... great. If you cant... I understand because overseas flights are insanely pricey. Since the rest of my bridal party is here... I've sort of left (Insert best friends name here) in charge as like the 'go-to' bridesmaid for certain things.

Hope this helps! <3

---

This is excellent advice. I just wanted to add that I don't think your best friend would be offended if you asked her to be your MOH-but-not-really. You've made it clear that you don't want titles, you're just entrusting her to keep communication open between everybody. As for your cousin, well, there's probably not a tactful way to talk to her where she won't end up feeling slightly hurt. But if you say what katielynn suggested above, you're making it sound as if you don't want to burden her with the responsibilities when she won't even be in the country. That's the best way to handle it, I think.

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THIS. I think you need to accept that your cousin will be slightly hurt but making it about the responsibilities of the title, as opposed to the honor, will make it easier. I'm sorry you have to go through this!!

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I have to agree with these ladies. I'm sorry you're going through this, but to avoid hurt feelings as best as possible maybe it'll be better to make your friend the main point of contact and 'SMOH'. HTH!

Re: Need advice

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Posted by katielynn

I was in a similar situation with my MOH issue. For years I always thought my MOH would be one of my best friends, J. But... flash forward to when I started dating FH... she didn't really show an interest in getting to know him and didn't make an effort to call or hang out with me as much. Which was understandable because she has her own hubby, a 4 year old and at the time she was pregnant with her 2nd. Now she's got her job, her kids and her own husband... and we don't talk as often. I saw her for the first time the other night since I had gotten engaged. What made me happy is that she asked FH to come along as well to get to know him.

Anyway... I made my MOH someone else. My other best friend Nicole, who I had lived with for a while and who I had become extremely close with during that time. Nicole sounds a lot like your best friend because she keeps me sane and we don't fight.

I wasn't J's MOH in her wedding... but I basically was because I did almost all of the work. Her sister was her MOH along with her friend who she had known since they were 4 so I wasn't offended or anything but I basically had to threaten the two of them in the limo because NEITHER ONE of them wanted to make a speech.

Anyway...
My suggestion would be this: Talk to your best friend. Say listen. I didn't want to have a MOH because I feel like the 'title' can cause issues and I didn't want that to happen. But I want someone to be able to come up to bat for me when its time for me to have one person by my side to go to with certain decisions, come to bat for me when its time to organize things, and someone to make a speech at the wedding. I would really be honored if you wouldn't be my 'MOH' but without the title.

And honestly... talk to your cousin and say listen. You're going to be out of the country and I don't want to burden you having to make all the plans and try to come back and forth from abroad for all the events leading up to the wedding. If you can make it... great. If you cant... I understand because overseas flights are insanely pricey. Since the rest of my bridal party is here... I've sort of left (Insert best friends name here) in charge as like the 'go-to' bridesmaid for certain things.

Hope this helps! <3

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Definitely agree with Katielynn

I always knew my sister would be my matron of honor at my wedding and then I would say my best friend would be the maid of honor but honestly me and her really aren't that close anymore. So I just decided she would be a bridesmaid but I even thought against it at times. I'm actually afraid if she will be able to do it. She has been in her 2 sisters wedding and her brothers wedding but I also just think that she just was in it and that there was no shower or anything she contributed to I'm not sure. When I asked her but not formally I told her its going to be alot of stuff financially and stuff and her mom has cancer and I told her u know its up to you if you want to do it cause you never know if your mom is going to get worse or not. She said for now that she will say yes and I told her ok if she thinks its going to change let me know before dress shopping so she doesn't waste money.

It's a tough situation and it stinks having to downgrade their position after always saying a higher position but people change and you can help it. If they are truly happy for you they will get over and do what their supposed to.

Need advice

Thanks for the advice girls!!! It makes me feel better to know that my thought process isn't completely skewed.

I know the world doesn't revolve around me, but it is hurtful that my cousin has had multiple opportunities to do what she is going overseas to do (she isn't going for school or work, as she puts it 'I just can't live in America anymore'. She's a bit of a dreamer as doesn't live in the same reality you and I live in), so close to my wedding.

My best friend has been supportive and even took a 10 hour bus ride last week to come dress shopping with me, as opposed to my cousin who couldn't be bothered to come.

I will stick with the plan I've been doing for now. I've already made it clear that I don't want my cousin making a speech (she'll make it all about her), and that I'm not going to revolve my plans around her being home because she made a decision without thinking about the repercussions (I said it in a nicer way), because when she originally decided to leave, she even said 'and we can do your bridal shower and bachelorette party when I'm home in February so I can be there'.

This is just the new stress of the day, I'm sure it'll all work itself out. Thank you ladies for your advice, it really really helps!!

Need advice

Oh man, I'm sorry you're going through this!!! But yeah it will work out!