Need advice on no-gifter...

sharivera Posted: Apr 09, 2009 07:30 PM

Need advice on no-gifter...

When my husband and I finally went through our cards..there were a few people who didn't give us gifts, that we kind of expected ... but we also didn't receive anything , not even a card from a VERY close friend of mine... knowing this person, this came as a COMPLETE shock.... i really don't think this person would ever go to a wedding w/ out a gift... so then i started thinking..maybe a card or 2 is missing?? maybe some got lost??
I was thinking of asking a mutual friend in confidence if they mentioned anything about a gift??
Believe me, the gifts were not the most important thing to me.. I just really wanted all my friends and family to share my day, but this just came across as odd to me and I'm nervous maybe some envelopes were lost...
I guess if they DID give a gift, and wrote a check, eventually they will wonder why it wasn't cashed..but if they gave cash, they will never know...
How could I go about getting to the bottom of this? Or should I just let it go? My husband tells me I tend to worry too much about things...is this one of those times??

MikesBride2B Posted: Apr 09, 2009 07:32 PM

Re: Need advice on no-gifter...

Technically etiquette states that you have up until a year after someone's wedding to give them a gift...maybe they just don't have the resources right now?

Jna2010 Posted: Apr 09, 2009 07:33 PM

Re: Need advice on no-gifter...

this happened to another girl on liw and she called them and told them that they lost their envelope on accident so they should put a stop on the check

i thought this was a really good way to go about it this way you dont offend or accuse anyone

sharivera Posted: Apr 09, 2009 07:35 PM

Re: Need advice on no-gifter...

Posted by MikesBride2B

Technically etiquette states that you have up until a year after someone's wedding to give them a gift...maybe they just don't have the resources right now?

I know that's what etiquette states, but knowing how close we are...i fell like this person would have told me if they couldn't afford to give a gift right away..A cousin of my husbands was laid off and told my mother-in-law she couldn't afford a gift at this time but would definitely send one when she got back on her feet.. I would probably tell someone if I couldn't... of course im just worried they DId and it was lost or something :(

Kiki1103 Posted: Apr 09, 2009 07:38 PM

Re: Need advice on no-gifter...

This happened to FSIL with a bunch of people and FMIL wound up calling those people who they didn't find any cards for to make sure that their gifts didn't get lost. She wound up getting a bunch of cards in the mail after those phone calls.

SummerBride10 Posted: Apr 09, 2009 07:39 PM

Re: Need advice on no-gifter...

I would ask someone to casually ask her...not sure how the person could phrase it. It would be kind of awkward to ask yourself.

marriedinmontauk Posted: Apr 09, 2009 07:42 PM

Re: Need advice on no-gifter...

I would say nothing.....some people just don't give a gift...I am still surprised by who they were.
Some people send notes thanking them for coming to the wedding...I'm not sure whether that would be my choice.

sophisticat13 Posted: Apr 09, 2009 07:56 PM

Re: Need advice on no-gifter...

I had this happen...a close friend of mine came to my wedding and told me she 'forgot' my gift. It is 8 mos later and no gift I was mostly hurt by the fact that she didn't bother to give me a card...I couldn't ask her because she said she forgot a gift, but in your case you can. I think that the brides here gave great advice...you can 'tell' her to stop payment on her check or you can have a friend ask her...I would, you have nothing to lose
Sometimes when you send your TYs it 'reminds' ppl that they forgot to give you a gift and they send one then too. You can send them a TY for being a part of your special day

Soon2bMrsH Posted: Apr 09, 2009 08:00 PM

Re: Need advice on no-gifter...

Posted by Jna2010

this happened to another girl on liw and she called them and told them that they lost their envelope on accident so they should put a stop on the check

i thought this was a really good way to go about it this way you dont offend or accuse anyone

i agree, approaching it that way it your best bet. Let us know how it goes

lolalovesacroat Posted: Apr 09, 2009 08:12 PM

Re: Need advice on no-gifter...

one of my close friends, brother had this happen with a coworker. He got a card no gift, which to me is beyond rude. I think if one cant afford to go to a wedding say no.

I would def say something,say i was going through my cards and I think I misplace yours, please cancel the check or something of the sort.
Doesnt sound rude or pushy

I think this is my wedding nightmare! I mean a wedding in NY cost so much, people should realize this.

Nina1010 Posted: Apr 09, 2009 08:57 PM

Re: Need advice on no-gifter...

Posted by Jna2010

this happened to another girl on liw and she called them and told them that they lost their envelope on accident so they should put a stop on the check

i thought this was a really good way to go about it this way you dont offend or accuse anyone

ITA with this action. Its not rude and how many people are around and things going on that day, it can easily be lost.

RedtoWed Posted: Apr 09, 2009 10:31 PM

Re: Need advice on no-gifter...

drop it and move on...

you won't feel comfortable bringing it up or doing something so why do it?

chalk it up to what it is.. and move on :) with a smile.. if possible..

i think i did the hug animation but if i didn't <<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

JAAMS Posted: Apr 09, 2009 11:44 PM

Re: Need advice on no-gifter...

Posted by Jna2010

this happened to another girl on liw and she called them and told them that they lost their envelope on accident so they should put a stop on the check

i thought this was a really good way to go about it this way you dont offend or accuse anyone

This sounds quite clever! ITA

grkbarbie Posted: Apr 09, 2009 11:54 PM

Re: Need advice on no-gifter...

i say tell them to put a stop payemnt..

i guaranteee u this person bought a new outfit for your wedding. they have $ for that, but not for a gift? give me an effin break!

soontobecruz Posted: Apr 10, 2009 08:52 AM

Re: Need advice on no-gifter...

You keep saying she is a good friend of yours, if she is that close I don't think she would get offended if you tell her, some cards got misplaced and to stop payment. I know I wouldn't be offended I'd rather know for sure... this way if she did give a card and it was lost, if cash was in it, she will tell you. it would of course be sad but these things happen. If it is a check you have notified her. If there was no card she knows you are aware there was nothing....

Then I would move on. I agree I personally wouldn't go to a wedding if I couldn't afford to give a gift. But people are weird, don't take it personal.

dana1206 Posted: Apr 10, 2009 08:55 AM

Re: Need advice on no-gifter...

This happened to my sister and BIL. It was a very good friend of his that was in the wedding. He ended up calling him and just said that basically it didn't matter if he gave them anything but just in case he did, they wanted to let him know that it wasn't there. They made it sound like they thought it got lost or stolen. It turned out the guy had forgotten it and then was going to mail it because he felt stupid giving it to them because he forgot about it. He ended up giving it to them the next time they saw him. I would definitely say something. If they did give you something, you don't want someone else stealing it!

kirstenjk Posted: Apr 10, 2009 08:58 AM

Re: Need advice on no-gifter...

It happens to everyone. I am still surprised by who 'no gifted' us. We didn't do anything about it - just let it be. I don't think there is a graceful way to inquire without looking like you are digging for a present. When I wrote out my thank you cards, I only sent them to those who gave us a gift.

TheLadyJ Posted: Apr 10, 2009 09:05 AM

Re: Need advice on no-gifter...

Just a reminder that etiquette also states people have no obligation to give you a gift on your wedding day. You are inviting them to share in your day, and should always thank them for doing so, even if they don't sent a gift.

Technical etiquette aside, every single person KNOWS they are supposed to bring a gift. So, I know in some cases people cannot afford it at the moment, and in some cases people leave the card at home. But those people usually tell you immediately. And in some cases the occassional card gets lost.

But otherwise, some people are just plain low lifes. They think they can sneak by without giving a gift and figure since the wedding is over, they already got to attend the party and can pull a fast one.

If you don't think your friend would skimp on a gift, then call her and say you feel terrible for misplacing it.

MrsCastanedain09 Posted: Apr 10, 2009 09:12 AM

Re: Need advice on no-gifter...

People aren't REQUIRED to give gifts. I would let it go....was your friend genuinely happy on your day, did she support you throughout the process? That's what it's about right?

Yes, we all want to recoup some of the expenses and people should make an effort to help you begin your life with a nice gift....but the world is not perfect. Some people will always surprise us.

JenBill61210 Posted: Apr 10, 2009 09:45 AM

Re: Need advice on no-gifter...

this is a sticky situation and i've heard more and more stories about this going on especially w/ the economy the way it is right now. If you truly believe that she honestly forgot to include her card w/ the rest of them then as teh other girls suggested, just mention that you think you may have lost her envelope and you just want to let her know in case she gave you a check to put a stop payment.