I need advice really bad. FH and I fight way to much and I know he loves me, but sometimes I think that it isnt enough, he doesn't know how to love and take care of me the way I want. Not in a selfish way just that he doesn't know how to love someone the way they should when he is used to be very selfish himself. I told him that I don't think this is going to work b/c I am not happy and he said fine give me back the ring and acted like it didn't bother him. How should I take that and what should I do, if I just forgive him again and take him back he will keep doing this and walking all over me. I am very up and I don't know where to go from this point. We have a child together that makes things even worse, b/c I also want to take her feelings into consideration.
WithThisRing
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Re: Need Help, My Wedding Might Be Off!!
You have to do what is best for you physically and emotionally. You have a little girl to think about and her and your feelings need to come first.
You have given him many chances and ways to help the relationship (his mom, therapy) and they werent working.
Maybe it is time to move on
I dont mean to upset you even more, but he needs to grow up and its not fair to you or the baby.
shamma
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Re: Need Help, My Wedding Might Be Off!!
Oh Meredith, why is he behaving like this?? has he always behaved this way?? I know at times things are said in anger, but he gave you the ring, if he chooses to go he does not get it back. I do not want you to part, but have you 2 considered going to counseling??? Maybe there are issues that he has that he is not telling you about. I know you 2 does not live together. How long have you 2 been together?? I wish you all the best sweetie.
NYCMeghan
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Re: Need Help, My Wedding Might Be Off!!
I don't know nearly enough to comment, but all I can say is that I'm thinking about you and hoping that everything works out for the best - for you and your daugher.
shamma
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Re: Need Help, My Wedding Might Be Off!!
now that I have read Chippa's post I have seen that this is ongoing. This is not new, oh Meredith why put yourself thru it. Maybe you 2 need some time apart to sort out your feelings and what's going on in your relationship. DO you feel like you are at you wits end??? Do not settle for anything less than you deserve. If you continue to accept his behavior or the way he treats you it will only continue. Put your foot down or move on. It cannot possibly be healthy for you or the baby
JuneBabyBride
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Re: Need Help, My Wedding Might Be Off!!
We have been on and off for three years. We have had alot of problems early in the relationship with him and his ex and we somehow got past that. That isn't even the problem anymore b/c he grew out of that it is his attitude towards me and the things he says when he is mad, that sometimes is so hurtful I can't forget. We tried therapy and we only went a few times and we were still fighting and we had to stop going to the women for insurance reasons and we didn't continue with someone else which was only two weeks ago. I don't know what to do.
Misty
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Re: Need Help, My Wedding Might Be Off!!
Ugh my God sweety I am so sorry.
It sounds like you've been down this road one to many times. Maybe it would be healthy for you two to step back for a while?
Are wedding plans adding pressure to this you think? Or is this stuff old wounds that keep reappearing?
JuneBabyBride
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Re: Need Help, My Wedding Might Be Off!!
The wedding is not helping b/c he has to pay for it and he keeps throwing it in my face every day that I am not helping and he has to do everything. I am helping him the best I can. He used to give me a decent amount of money for child support that I told him he doesn't have to give me anymore. What more can I do, I work part time b/c I have to take care of the baby which he never does. He would go nuts if he sat home with her like I do. I make just enough money to pay my bills. I have to say in fairness to him I do know he cares or he wouldn't be paying for the wedding but that doesn't mean he can treat me like crap.
WithThisRing
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Re: Need Help, My Wedding Might Be Off!!
words hurt more then anything.
If all you and him do fight its not healthy for you or Kayla (she may not understand it now, but if this continues and she is old enough to see and understand it she will start feeling the effects of it)
Why is he being like this though? How did it go in therapy?? Did it seem like he was opening up?
He needs to make a decision, he either wants you as his wife or not. You have given him many many chances and he's messed up.
How many more chances can you give???
swags1016
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Re: Need Help, My Wedding Might Be Off!!
Meredith,
I am soooo sorry! Maybe you guys should take some time off and get a new couselor. If you need some places that do things on sliding scale (since you said about the insurance) FM and I will see what information I can get for you.
You have to do what is best for you and Kayla. He needs to realize that even though you will always have your precious daughter in common and that will keep you connect does not mean that you have to put up with not being treated fairly and nicely.
You are a beautiful and wonderful girl that deserves the best.
jennbaby
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Re: Need Help, My Wedding Might Be Off!!
I don't know you or your FH so I can't say too much except for maybe some time apart would be good or more counseling.
Also from what I have seen, staying together for the sake of a child doesn't always work.
Good Luck
Misty
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Re: Need Help, My Wedding Might Be Off!!
You're right about that, and honestly, if you are getting married, who is spending/saving what should not be an issue. This money belongs to BOTH of you now. It sounds like he's a little bit resentful, and that shouldn't be...not when you are becoming life partners.
Have you thought about scaling your wedding back, or perhaps pushing it back to make things easier on the both of you? Money pressures are 9 out of 10 times the reason for fighting during an engagement. Now I'm not saying to completely sacrifice what you want, but maybe it's time to look at what you both need now as opposed to what you want?
With a child involved, he could be feeling more like he is inadequate...and this can be hell on a man that feels like he has to be the provider. Has this come up at all?
WithThisRing
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Re: Need Help, My Wedding Might Be Off!!
He shouldnt be treating you like this. I am out of work and Brian is paying everything (my unemployement check is barely covering a student loan) and he jokes with me that someone has to work. I paid all the downpayments and the first official hall payment. Now he is paying this 2nd payment of the hall and we put off looking at a DJ for a month or so.
We compromised and we met half way on a lot of things. Thats what a relationship is about, caring, understanding, compassion, and compromise.
He doesnt seem to be compromising. It's not fair to you. You deserve a man to treat you like a Queen and worship the ground you walk on. He is mean and selfish and that is not fair to you at all.
SomedayBride
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Re: Need Help, My Wedding Might Be Off!!
I'm so sorry that you're going through such a hard time. I know that you have a daughter, and that you want to take her feelings into consideration, and coming from parents who did not get along, I figured I'd share my experience. As far back as I can remember, my parents fought. My mom is a great person, but she always let my father walk all over her. Seeing how poorly he treated her, (he wasn't physically abusive) really affected my sister and I. My whole life, I wished my parents would get a divorce, while my parents stayed together 'for the kids.' They finally split up when I was 20. My parents are both good people, as separate people (unfortunately my father has since passed away) but they just weren't meant to be together. Anyway, my point is, you have to do what is right for you, and that in turn, is what is best for your daughter. Two separate but happy parents is way better than one miserable family. Not that I think you should give up, but sometimes what you think is best, isn't.
JuneBabyBride
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Re: Need Help, My Wedding Might Be Off!!
We have to make a decision b/c either the wedding is on or off, we have payments due and if they are not paid they will be cancelled. His major problem is that he doesn't look at this as an us thing, he gave me money to pick up some things for kayla b/c I was short and I got mouthwash and floss and he was like why couldn't you use your own money for that. I don't understand the way he thinks. He says he wants to be with me but he treats me like a new girlfriend not a future wife, what is that ****, use my own money for mouthwash. I don't understand him sometimes.
Olgaki
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Re: Need Help, My Wedding Might Be Off!!
Maybe the two of you do need some time apart - or at least get rid of the major stress (the wedding) for now. Don't necessarily cancel it, but stop planning or whatever and give both of you some breathing space.
I hope it works for the sake of your daughter (from the pictures I've seen she is a cutie!) - but you being unhappy the rest of your life just to stay with her dad won't make her happy. Just think things through thoroughly before you do anything.
JuneBabyBride
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Re: Need Help, My Wedding Might Be Off!!
What I want to do is try to have a happy medium, when things are good between us they are great but when they are bad they are horrible. He either does make me really happy sometimes but when he isn't makeing me happy he is making me so misrable that I doubt my decision to marry him and I know that isn't good. I am not only staying with him for kayla, however if things would work, for her sake that would be better, I don't want to end things and find someone else that will never treat her the way she should be treated like a real daughter. If things would work out then they would work out for all of us. I just need to figure out what will make him see the light and realize that if he wants to be with me he needs to treat me like a part of him not some other person.
dubliner
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Re: Need Help, My Wedding Might Be Off!!
Hi
I can't say that I klnow you, but I have seen your posts, so if my suggestion seems totally off base, forgive me.
Are you and your FH experiencing stress / pressure over the wedding? Do you think this fighting is related to the big day? If so, would you conmsider Pre Cana ? I am not part of a God Squad, but our pre can really put a lot of wtuff about us and only us into perspective.
If the fighting is deeper, you may want to consider counselling. Are both of you open to it? If you have a child togerher (and I think I saw a pic of her and she's beautiel) perhaps its woth working through with a counsellor. Its not a failure to see one, and may be your solution.
Is it possible that he is dealing with th e'marraige' in a different way to you
Regardless of my suggestions, I wish you the best and I hope you can resolve this. Thinking of you
WithThisRing
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Re: Need Help, My Wedding Might Be Off!!
That was mean of him to say that to you.
swags1016
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Re: Need Help, My Wedding Might Be Off!!
It sounds like there is a lot of pressure going on there Meredith. I think, he is feeling the weight of paying for the wedding. (This is going by what you just wrote). Is there anyway you can call the vendors and tell them something, like family issues and that you will be a week or two late with the payments and take that time to talk this out?
