Need Help, My Wedding Might Be Off!!

im sorry for all the problems your going through. the counseling sounds like a good idea, some places like a temple probably ofer free counseling.
if he is arguing about money issues, it all becomes mutal once you live together. Maybe you should move in right now before the wedding? Then it would solve one problem, and also he would get more use to what its like. Maybe you should give him blunt examples of what you want him to do. Some guys dont take the hint, or know exactly what she wants.

you have FM

I want to tell you a few things. First, you mentioned that you were in counseling for a few weeks,but it didn't help the fighting. I am a counselor. It is a long, ongoing process, and a few weeks is not going to be enough. The point of it is to help you understand eachother to change behavior and feelings, and it is not an easy task. I know someone else offered this, but I can also help you find someone if insurance is an issue.

Second, (and this is not the counselor in me AT ALL), sometimes what men need is a huge kick in the *ss. I don't know you two, but if you are allowing him to get away with the crap, (by staying with him), he has no reason to change. Maybe telling him you are done and letting him see how it is without you will change his mind.
Please feel free to fm me, call me, whatever. I am a good listener!

Meredith-

I don't know you or the details of your situation. But if you have this many doubts, all I can say is WAIT.

Wait until you're sure, wait until he grows up - whatever it takes - don't go down the road of marriage until you're 100% sure.

Its a big red flag to me that you're not living together and he feels like he still needs his freedom - though you're engaged and have a beautiful daughter together. It doesn't seem like he's ready.

Kayla's better off with parents that are happy but not together, rather than parents that are miserable but married. I understand wanting to have your family intake, but it seems like there are a lot of things you two need to work through first.

Best of luck. We're here for you.
-Lisa

I just wanted to say that I think your should be very weary that he considers marrying you to be giving up his freedom. Marriage is not prison!

Beyond that all I have to offer you is It sounds like you are an excellent mother and an intelligent woman. I know that you will make the best decision for yourself and your daughter.

Let me just say this!! This is one time you can be selfish this is the rest of your life! Do not just give it to him if you feel he does not deserve it!! You deserve the best and NOTHING ELSE!!

My Mother always used to say 'a leopard never changes his stripes' is he young? Maybe he's still going that dumb immature stage that ALL men go through.

I'm in sort of the same boat (we have a child together) but I was content not getting married. You don't have to. But, we live together. The comment that he 'likes his freedom'??? What freedom??? He's a Dad his freedom belongs to Kayla!!! He should want to be a family now!!! Even before the wedding!

I say it's Meredith time!! I think you should leave Kayla with him for a weekend. And have some you time! And really think about what you want.

As far as finding someone to be good to Kayla (if you decide to end it with him) There are PLENTY of men that will love you & your child!!! And will be just as good to you BOTH.

HUGS TO YOU!!!

Meredith,

As a child of parents that were very, very unhappy for a great portion of their marriage, and spent most of the time insulting eachother and threatening, I can tell you that for the well being of Kayla....it might be best to wait until this marriage would be worth it. Granted, there might not be anything in this world better than a full fledged family...mommy and daddy and child and house and the picket fence....but sometimes, it's just not. Your emotional health is going to be the key to hers sweety, and if you are not happy, and you don't see yourself being truly happy when this wedding and the glitz and glamour is over, then it might be the best thing for you to step away from this for now. He obviously isn't ready for this, and I'd hate for you to realize this AFTER the wedding.

I don't know you Meredith, but I know your situation, and believe me I understand there is nothing worse. I can tell from all of this that you are a wonderful mommy, and a wonderful person...and that you are ready to take on true adulthood (actually, YOU already have tenfold). So for you to sacrifice anything in your life, including the ultimate happiness of your child, this might just not be what you need right now.

I wish you the very best of everything in this world!!!!

Take a step back- don't think about the wedding.. think about you & your little girl. Sometimes the best thing is not for the parents to be married- if you are fighting so much now, do you think it can get better? The one thing I've learned is that people don't change. You just have to accept who they are. Are you willing to accept your FH as is? Is he willing to accept you as is?

I don't think it is your job to 'make him see the light'... You are a beautiful person- and you have a beautiful daughter- and if he treats you like crap- and can't see that... then that is just horrible.. but he should be falling over himself not cranky...

I would say put the wedding on hold and see if he can make you happy how you deserve- that way the wedding won't be over your shoulders and he won't have to worry about all the money he is spending on something it doesn't even seem he wants.

You don't want to keep plowing through with the wedding and wind up making a terrible mistake- divorce is not pretty... so step back and see what happens...

sorry about whats going on right now...

I know you said that you guys went to counseling together...but I think what is more important is that you go by yourself...you have decisions to make that we cannot make for you...and don't really know what way is the best for you...only you know that...and a therapist can help you focus your attention to those thoughts

good luck and hugs

Meredith -

I sat up half the night worrying about you, and we've never even met. Oh, the power of LIW. I'm here again and there is one thing in your thread that spooked me, so while I didn't say anything before I'm going to stick my nose in. You said earlier:

When I think long and hard about this I come to two conclusions. Either I can see us being very happy, having a few kids which I want and everything being good if he changed b/c he does know how to make me happy sometimes. But then I see us having a really ugly divorse and regreting marrying him in the first place so it is hard to say go with my heart when I am feeling two totally opposite feelings.

If you are going to marry him you have to be able to handle what he is now, not if he changed, because lets face it that is a BIG if. All I hear in your posts is pain and confusion in what should be a stressful BUT HAPPY time for the two of you. If you are going to get through this you both need to get back into counseling. But this is forever and with Kayla it's an even bigger decision.

I know this is not anything you haven't already heard or thought. If it were me I'd put the wedding on hold because it sounds like you both have even bigger issues to iron out before you commit to forever.

Stay strong! We're here for you.

Hi Meredith!
I dont think i can say anything that hasnt been said already.. Maybe you can postpone the wedding. instead of calling it off.. Try not to be put off by his attitude about give me the ring back, i think alot of guys are like that.. when they are mad and upset they dont like to show it..

You will be in my thoughts!! FM me if you ever want to talk!

I think you should go talk to a Rabbi, by yourself, there are alot of issues that you need to work out, with out him, then maybe bring him into at a later date.

THe one thing that you said really bothers me though, you said 'if he changes', people are not goignt o change, ans if you try to force him to change then he will only resent you.

Please go and talk to a Rabbi though before making any decisions, because only a trained counselor can help you with these problems.

Hope everyhting works out!!

I dont think I can say anything that hasnt been said already except do whats best for you

Meredith-

I've been following this thread and I see alot of core problems. 1st off, this guy is lacking in some serious maturity. A man who has the responsibility of a child should put her needs FIRST. Not another toy (quad/jetski). His mother is somewhat responsible for his behavior because she is enabling him to have this laid back lifestyle by not forcing his butt out of her house and to step up and be a man to his child.

Secondly, I would be most disturbed over the fact that he didn't want to live with his child and see her grow and develop on a day to day basis, especially since you two engaged. It would be one thing if you had separate lives, but come on! You and Kayla are supposed to be his future. Not some POS jetski or ATV that depreciates with time.

Another thing I see that is a major problem is that you keep bringing up the things you have to give up for your wedding because he won't accomodate your needs. It's more than just him being selfish because I don't think you are asking for anything outrageous - it's the fact that you two have no common goals and dreams. You two are at opposite ends of the spectrum. I know you told him he doesn't have to give you c/s but he should WANT to do that, it shouldn't be mandatory.

I don't think he'll ever change sweetie, and I'm sorry for that because I know how it feels to keep making excuses and putting up with less (for the sake of love). At some point (and it may not necessarily be now) you will hit your point of no return with him and you'll realize that you DESERVE more, that you and Kayla NEED more than the bits of good he feeds you from time to time to keep you hanging on to the relationship. It's not about loving him because a part of you always will. It's about loving yourself (and the baby) more and realizing that you are worth far better than you are being treated. It's not your fault, you can't change him. And no excuse in the world is worth the loss of your self esteem, pride and happiness because that's all you have left at the end of the day.

Screw the wedding money - TRUST ME. If I knew how hard it was going to be, I would have called the whole deal off at the **** church. That lost money is meaningless when years of your life are lost. I'd look at it like a well spent lesson!

Your instincts are there for a reason and no amount of time is going to change him because no one is that obtuse to see what the ramifications of their actions are - in this case, hurting you and your daughter.

My heart and prayers are with you...

WOW!! I'm soooooo sorry you are going through this

First I want to ask - Do you think if you didn't have a big wedding, maybe very small, like Justice of the Peace or something would take some stress off?

I don't really know how to tell you to handle this but I can tell you that you should REALLY think about this. DO NOT stay together just for the baby. Sit down and think to yourself will you be happy in 5 or 10 years. If you think things will not get better after you are married (they say if there are problems now, they usually will not get better) then you should really think twice. My parents (I was older though -15) stayed together for us for a few years. I cannot tell you the fighting that went on and how I can still hear it (18 years later!) When you are thinking of staying together FOR your child, just remember that is not always the best thing.

I am so sorry for this and I wish you the best and if you need to talk I am here.

Meredith-
Like Suzanne said, there's nothing for me to say which hasn't already been said. However, I wanted to let you know how much I'm thinking about you and if you ever need anything, know that I'm always around for whatever you need!
Please keep your chin up!!
-Alicia

Meredith, I'm not going to say it all over again, because this wonderful world of ladies have said it ALL!

How are you holding up honey?

Mer - you know how I feel on this subject. I don't want to say to much b/c I don't know how much of the past you have told everyone. But as one of your closest friends - all I want is for you to be happy. I have seen you guys at your best and worst, and right now I know you are not happy. I do not want to see you get married - just to get married and be a perfect family. You have given him many, many chances in the past and he always changes and is a great boyfriend - for like a week, then its back to his old ways. Just, please think about it. I'll call you in a few minutes