Need Help, My Wedding Might Be Off!!

Meredith, I went to bed with you on my mind, I had to come here today and say what else I did not say. When I read some of your comments and how your FI behaves it makes me wonder why do you even still want to be with such an immature/non -caring person. My goodness the line that struck me is when you said he said he still has one more year of freedom. This is not a many that sees a marriage as a union of 2 people living happy together, he sees it as prison. My husband wanted us to move in together before I was even ready, he should be so darn happy to spend time with you and your daughter, not make you feel as if you are an inconvienence. I seriously think you 2 neeed to go to counseling separately. The anger issues, I feel from your words you have a lot of pent up anger and a lot of resentment. You 2 fight w/o love for each other, the words you both use.

People don't change unless they think its beneficial to them. When you are about to enter a marriage or a relationship, what you see is what you get, sometimes things will get better, sometimes it will get worse, what you have to ask yourself is if this is something you are willing to deal with for the rest of your life.

I know my hubby always says in a relationship and in life, every day cannot be Sunday, but sweetie, most of your days should be Sundays. Your Fi is immature and selfish. He seems to have given you a ring to keep you quiet or to keep you with him, but his mentality is one of, hey I don't live with her I could care less about compromise, being a father or working on making things better for all of us.

I think you really need to be honest with yourself, and ask yourself some serious questions. Is this the man you really want to marry? or do you just want to marry him b/c he gave you the ring. Are you afraid of being by yourself or that you will not find anyone who will want a girl with a baby??

Meredith, do not go into a marriage with all these mixed up unhappy feelings that you have. Take time off and work on you, you cannot fix/change him, it has to be something he wants to do.

I wish you all the best and nothing but the best.

You are champagne, do not let anyone treat you like beer. They always say teach people how to treat you. If you allow lie down and allow him or anyone to walk all over you, they will do it.

Words hurt much more sometimes than a hit. Long after the pain of a hit is gone, the memory of the hurtful words are still there.

You can talk to me anytime you would like

Here's a way of looking at this that might help you see what we see when we read your posts....

Imagine your daughter dating someone who was treating her this way.

Would you want her to marry someone who was hurting her like this?

What would your advice to her be?

Sometimes when we pull back and examine the problem from a different angle we can gain a better perspective.

You might want to take some time away from him, let your pain subside a bit and really get a handle on what YOU want from a life partner....and then see if he really can be the person you need him to be.

Maybe put it on paper and make a 'pros' and 'cons' list. Do NOT list 'because I love him' as a pro. Often that clouds all the other aspects...

Empower yourself, take control of your happiness and take care of yourself.

Wow! first off, HUGS to you! I don't mean to be blunt about this, but get away from him. He is obviously making you very unhappy. I agree with what shamma just posted. He seems very immature and you should not give up your dreams to marry someone who doesn't seem to care much about you or anything else but himself. It seems like he likes to have control, which is bad- money etc. When you leave, he can't control you, so that's when he listens to get you back.

I am only saying these things because I see a part of my dating expierence in your story. I was almost engaged to a self-centered brat that did similar things. I was miserable and just kept making excuses for everyting. We fought constantly. He walked all over me. The only times he seemed to listen was when I threatned to leave. He did the dame thing as your FH- not call for days and then call out of the blue to see if you want to go somewhere! -W T F?????? If you are engaged and are ready to spend your lives together, you should be talking to eachother each day, finding out how eachother is doing and to be a support for eachother. I think you are right in saying that if you get married, you see your marriage ending in a bitter divorce. That will be even worse for your daughter.

Right now you have to take care of the most important people in your life- you and your daughter. There are wonderful men out there who will care for you both. You just have to be a bit patient and willing to leave your FH for it to happen. When I left my ex- I thought the world would end. Even thought it was my decision to leave. It hurt bad and I forced myself to go on with life. I figured that not having him in my life would be much better than constantly fighting and being controlled by him. I was right! I met my dear, dear husband who treats me with the most respect and love. You disserve it too and will get it!

Sorry for being so foward, I hope I didn't hurt your feelings. I just can see what has happened to me in your posts and don't want you to make the mistake I amost made. You seem like such a sweet girl. We are all here for you. FM me if you ever need a sholder. I understand your situation.


Lora

Kelly4 I went thru a similair experience. The best thing I did was leave him. He was also a self centered egotistical brat. Then I met Fh and if I did not break up with jerk #1, I would not have met FH.
I would really think it all over and deceide if you want to hav ethis the rest of your life. I also suggest you get some counseling, even if u have to go alone to the counseling. I am here for u if you need to Fm mail me. HUGS

How are you today Meredith?

Meredith,
I am truly sorry that you are going through this. I think all the ladies here have said everything I would say to you also.
A decision like this is so hard to make. I went through a similar experience with my first marriage. It was not easy. I can relate alot to what you are feeling.

We are all here for you. Please FM me if you would like to talk.

Good Morning everyone, you guys are so great I can't even tell you how much this means to me. I see almost everyone agrees on the therapy thing which we tried, and I had to once again threaten to cancel the wedding to even get him to go.

Right now we don't have anymore money due until june so that is when I could put this wedding off before having to actually cancel things and lose all the money.

I will not marry him for only kaylas sake I promised myself that already but I do take her feelings into consideration. Everyone is right I dont think he realizes the commitment and responsibilities in marriage and fatherhood. His mother had kicked him out once but let him come home when I was pregnant before we broke up to help him save money for the baby, which of course he didn't, he went an bought a race car, which he knew wasn't reasonable for the baby. She has actually tried to help but there is no getting through to him sometimes.

Meredith, not to be nitpicky, but this sentence 'I am not trying to change him, but help him get better' is not really right. B/c remember, what's better for you and Kayla is not necessarily better for him, and he can only change if he wants to, not b/c you're trying to. Saying 'helping him get better' in my eyes implies that you are in fact trying to change him and I really wouldn't recommend going that route....

Sorry

You can't make anyone 'better', they can only do that themselves...
You need to understand that by staying with someone who mistreats you (and from your posts, I would certainly say he does) you are only enabling him to keep on mistreating you....

Please, for you and for Kayla....take some time away and really think about things....

He does not sound ANYWHERE NEAR ready for marriage let alone parenthood!!!

I am so sorry that you are going through this and hope you find the sthrength to do what's best for you and Kayla

First, let me say how wonderful that there are so many caring people out there helping another caring girl!

Now, from what I've read, about race cars and toys, I don't think the problem is you, per se, but rather the fact that he DOES NOT WANT RESPONSIBILITY. All the FI on here made the decision to take on responsibility of a family when they proposed. Marrige = Responsibility. Have you ever considered that your FI doesn't want to be married, but feels obligated in some way? I know you haven't, I even read the way he proposed and it was wonderful! But maybe he is feeling that way now?

Now, he doesn't want to live with you until you are married is one thing, but not wanting to live with you to have his Freedom is another. I have a friends's friends in a similar situation to you and there is major resentment at the fact that he felt 'forced' to marry the girl because they had a child together.

I only say this because you do not need to be with someone who resents his life. You are a wonderful and obviously caring mother who needs support - you cannot always be the one doing the supporting and compromise. You want a relationship and a stable home for your family. AND YOU DESERVE IT!! I know how difficult a decision this is, you cannot marry him until he stops resenting his life and starts appreciating how wonderulf it will be with you and Kayla in it.

I wish the best for you!!

Meredith,
I was married before, and when my son was 2 weeks old, I found out he was cheating on me while I was pregnant. Needless to say, out he went. It was a very, VERY hard situation and is magnified when you have a child, I totally understand that. HOWEVER, staying with him is not necessarily what is best for your daughter. Do you want her to grow up in such a negative environment? I always said that I'd rather my son be with 1 happy parent (me!) than 2 unhappy parents.
And as for being afraid of meeting someone because they will not treat Kayla like she's his, I am now with a man who is more a father to my son than his father can ever be. My FH has taken on the father role to my son 100%, and my son is crazy about him as well.
Obviously, I don't know you and cannot tell you what to do, I just wanted to give my advice.

Feel free to FM me if you'd like to talk. (and give Kayla a big hug!)

I do agree with Alina but I am also very much like her FH..

I will not do without anything I want in my life.. I am not selfish either bc What I do for me I do for Ron. I wanted this 8k wedding book that they make you Plus all of our pictures and he said NO. But he can go buy a saw...Yea sure....
I think that your FH is resentful that you stay at home all day and aren't contributing to the wedding .

I also think you can't change anyone. They have to want to change..
I know this for a fact. NO one can change me. I have to want to do it..

YOu are to beautiful of a girl to allow someone treat YOu other then the best..

I am not saying he has to kiss your @!@@, but have some sort of mutal respect.. and what about freedom..He isn't in jail if you live together..

We are all here for you..

You will be FINE!!!

You can always come and talk to us when you need to talk.

Dont let him upset you. He is not worth your tears.

Just hang in their and remember we will always be here for you

You answered your own question right there. Yu know in your hearts of hearts what it is that you want. You do not seem to be getting it from him. Will you ever get it? who knows, are you willing to live unhappy in hopes of him 'changing' and make you happy? you might be waiting in vain. Is anyone worth your happiness?? NO I really wish you all the best sweetie, b/c as far as I can tell from reading your post, there is no give and take and no compromise here. Take care

Meredith-

I don't know you but reading your posts reminds me of a similar relationship that I was in for over three years. It is ultimately your decision to make and we can only give you advice based on what we hear you telling us and from previous experience. One suggestion I have though, is to print out this thread and read it again in about a month. Sometimes when you write things out and then reread them sometime later, things can suddenly become crystal clear.

I wish you luck with whatever you decide and I hope you wind up with aman the deserves you and is MAN enough to treat you as such!

Jen