Need Help, My Wedding Might Be Off!!

Original post by JuneBabyBride

Apr 16, 2003 10:45 PM

I need advice really bad. FH and I fight way to much and I know he loves me, but sometimes I think that it isnt enough, he doesn't know how to love and take care of me the way I want. Not in a selfish way just that he doesn't know how to love someone the way they should when he is used to be very selfish himself. I told him that I don't think this is going to work b/c I am not happy and he said fine give me back the ring and acted like it didn't bother him. How should I take that and what should I do, if I just forgive him again and take him back he will keep doing this and walking all over me. I am very up and I don't know where to go from this point. We have a child together that makes things even worse, b/c I also want to take her feelings into consideration.

Jenn524 Posted: Apr 16, 2003 11:24 PM

Re: Need Help, My Wedding Might Be Off!!

I am so sorry that you are going through this right now. The only advice I can give you is to think about your decision very carefully and talk everything over with him. Don't assume that he knows how you feel (I'm not saying you're doing that, I'm just suggesting that you keep communication open). In the end you have to do what's best for you and your daughter.

JuneBabyBride Posted: Apr 16, 2003 11:24 PM

Re: Need Help, My Wedding Might Be Off!!

Dan and I went to therapy for a few weeks and I felt better getting stuff off my chest but it didn't really stop the fighting. I know it takes longer than that but we had to stop for insurance reasons, this was recently and we haven't spoken much since then to start a new one.

I don't know much about pre cana but I am jewish and if I am not mistaken it is not for my religion. (Feel free to correct me if I am wrong)

He makes enough money to pay for this wedding, his bills and then some, he was about to lease a mercedes truck, so he aparently isn't poor. He just has a problem making me happy. He doesnt think we should have a video, and 1 8x10 would be good for him instead of an album. Everything I want for this wedding he fights me on and says well your not paying for it and I think its a waste. He would get married at the justice of the peace if I allowed it. We aren't getting married at oheka of the beach like I wanted, I am making so many compromises since he is paying but I don't want a half ass wedding just cause he doesn't want to waste his money on things that I want when he does have it.

Samanthas Mom Posted: Apr 16, 2003 11:28 PM

Re: Need Help, My Wedding Might Be Off!!

Meredith
I am so sorry to hear this
think hard and long, for Kaylas sake but do what you think your heart and head tell you is the best
you both look so happy in the patken photos you posted before!

Let me know if you want to talk and dont feel bad about the mouthwash thing, sometimes me and my DH fight over stupid things like that when it comes to shopping and money so unless he does it ALL the time, that can be common
at least w/ me and some others I know
sometimes when guys dont have a lot of extra money they just get funny about it and are just like, well you buy it yourself

vent here all you like

JuneBabyBride Posted: Apr 16, 2003 11:31 PM

Re: Need Help, My Wedding Might Be Off!!

When I think long and hard about this I come to two conclusions. Either I can see us being very happy, having a few kids which I want and everything being good if he changed b/c he does know how to make me happy sometimes. But then I see us having a really ugly divorse and regreting marrying him in the first place so it is hard to say go with my heart when I am feeling two totally opposite feelings.

WithThisRing Posted: Apr 16, 2003 11:33 PM

Re: Need Help, My Wedding Might Be Off!!

What about just ignoring him for a few days. You and him dont speak or see each other and see how that goes. Is it better that way, are you happy that way? Is he happy that way??

You do what you have to do, work, take care of the baby and do what you have to do.

Samanthas Mom Posted: Apr 16, 2003 11:35 PM

Re: Need Help, My Wedding Might Be Off!!

I think you should definitely talk to a counselor or Rabbi, etc.....

do you love him? I dont remember reading that
I know you said you are not only staying for Kaylas sake. Its hard to make a decision like this b/c you dont want to make the wrong one
Where is Heather ?? Have you talked to her? I know she knows you both a lot better then we all do.

I wish you the best and if you want to talk more let me know. Do you two live together now? Maybe you should stay w/ your parents and continue counseling before you decide to call the wedding off unless you are 100% sure that is what you want and now you sound torn, you want to and a part of you does not, at least that is how it sounds

lorimari Posted: Apr 16, 2003 11:37 PM

Re: Need Help, My Wedding Might Be Off!!

Meredith - my heart goes out to you.

The only piece of advice I have to offer is something a girlfriend of mine once told me: If you spend more time crying than laughing it isn't worth it.

You are a beautiful girl and from what I saw last night an amazing mom - he is extremely lucky to have you as his future wife. He should look at you and treat you like you are the most wonderful woman in the world.

Don't stay together just for Kayla - fighting does affect children and at an earlier age than what you think.

Maybe take some time to work things out - you need to both be happy to make it work. Resentment and fighting is not the answer. I wish you all the love you deserve. FM me anytime to chat.

KarenG Posted: Apr 16, 2003 11:41 PM

Re: Need Help, My Wedding Might Be Off!! (long)

Samanthas Mom Posted: Apr 16, 2003 11:41 PM

Re: Need Help, My Wedding Might Be Off!!

Meredith- Lori makes a good point
a good friend once said something like that to me
do you cry a lot? that is a good test of how you really feel inside

JuneBabyBride Posted: Apr 16, 2003 11:43 PM

Re: Need Help, My Wedding Might Be Off!!

We were fighting last week and didn't talk for a few days and he called me saturday to tell me that his mother was in the hospital and she couldn't babysit on monday so I can work and told me I have to find someone else. So we argued and he said he had to go visit her we can finish talking later he will call me, well he called me today, 5 days later to ask me to go to his fire department dinner with him in may, I was like are you f*&$ing nuts. How important could this have been to him to not call me for days. In my eyes not too important. I didn't call him b/c we are both very stubborn people and whoever says they will call last does not the other one.

As far as loving him yes I do, not as much as I did before he did damage to my feelings throughout the years but I do love him, if it works then that would be great but if it didn't I know I would be upset.

We don't live together, he doesn't want to get an apartment b/c he says he has another year of freedom why ruin that now. He is selfish and doesnt want to have to come home to us everyday and help out, he likes to go home to mommy and do nothing and go to sleep.

SomedayBride Posted: Apr 16, 2003 11:50 PM

Re: Need Help, My Wedding Might Be Off!!

Not to be rude but, 'Another year of freedom'? He's a father, freedom went out the window a long time ago. You must be a saint, because i could not deal with an attitude like his.

JuneBabyBride Posted: Apr 16, 2003 11:50 PM

Re: Need Help, My Wedding Might Be Off!!

I told him from the getco that we can have a wedding in 05 if he needs more time to save but he doesn't and he know's it. The thing is he is selfish. He has a motorcycle a quad a race car, but no, that isn't enough, he wants a jetski, and a boat and another quad b/c it is differnt than his, so it doesn't matter about what we have at the wedding, I dont feel I have to give up all my dreams so he can have a million toys. I sacrificed where we have our wedding and a few other things but why should I give up everything I every wanted for my wedding for his crap. It doesn't even matter if we put this off another year, he things pictures and video and flowers that are gonna die in a day are all a waste of money but he wants a hummer truck that costs alot for a 20 minute drive. He wants what he wants but he doesn't want me have what I want even if it makes me happy and that is what bothers me. I feel if he loves me, than why wouldn't he want to see me happy?

lorimari Posted: Apr 16, 2003 11:51 PM

Re: Need Help, My Wedding Might Be Off!!

It sounds like he is very selfish and immature. He is Kayla's father - it is time for him to act like one. Giving money is not being a father. He should be with you guys every night playing with her and watching her for you so you can have some 'Meredith time'.

You and Kayla deserve more - life is too short to be unhappy.

Maybe you should have someone watch Kayla and you both should just go out and talk. Make a pact not to fight.....you need to really talk and decide if you want to work things out b/c you love eachother, not b/c of Kayla.

JuneBabyBride Posted: Apr 16, 2003 11:52 PM

Re: Need Help, My Wedding Might Be Off!!

One problem we do have is we do threaten each other alot and I am partially to blame for that but he gets me so mad with his stupidity that I can't help myself. That is the only way to get through to him. If I say please dont be mean or something nice and kind he will blow it off, it isn't until I threaten to cancel the wedding till he actually listens.

JuneBabyBride Posted: Apr 16, 2003 11:55 PM

Re: Need Help, My Wedding Might Be Off!!

We have done stuff like that, when he proposed we weren't even together, I had ended it and this was his way of proving he loves me and to keep me. We went away on a cruise 3 weeks after we got engaged to have some time alone together, his mother watched her. It didn't even matter b/c we fought on the cruise about stupid ****. We have gone out while his mother watches the baby to dinner and stuff but that doesn't do anything.

lorimari Posted: Apr 17, 2003 12:01 AM

Re: Need Help, My Wedding Might Be Off!!

Before I go to sleep I'll say this to you:

You are beatiful and amazing and you deserve nothing short of the best.

Sit back and take a look of what you think you future is going to be like b/c if it is bad now do you feel that in 5/10/15 years down the road it is going to be better?

Do what makes you happy and Kayla happy. Things happen for a reason and its up to you to take something positive out of a lousy situation. I can see you are strong - you'll get through this no matter what the outcome.

I'll check in with you tomorrow - again, feel free to drop me a note to chat and vent.

Love and hugs to you!

swags1016 Posted: Apr 17, 2003 12:04 AM

Re: Need Help, My Wedding Might Be Off!!

I agree with Lori!

You know that old saying anyone can be a father but it takes a real man to be a Daddy and I am going to add husband. Just because he had enough sperm to make a baby did not mean that he was mature enough to have one. I am sorry to be harsh sweetie but it truly does not sound like he is ready for marriage. When a man is ready to be married he would be making you and Kayla his number one priority. He does not seem to be doing that. What is this crap that he did not call you for a couple of days. You are engaged and share a child. I think the two of you need to take some true time apart and really decide whether or not either of you REALLY wants to be married or are you getting married because of Kayla.

You need to take some time apart and think clearly about what you want and what you need and he needs to think about whether or not he wants to take on the responsibility of being a husband. You both need to stop threatening each other and learn how to fight in a healthy manner.

Sunny Posted: Apr 17, 2003 12:07 AM

Re: Need Help, My Wedding Might Be Off!!

I have a suggestion, too. Maybe you should let him read this post. (you may want to edit it first- maybe a little cut and paste). It is hard for two people to hear eachother sometimes, it may help him gain another perspective on your feelings. Just a thought.

JuneBabyBride Posted: Apr 17, 2003 12:13 AM

Re: Need Help, My Wedding Might Be Off!!

I can't begin to thank everyone for their support with my BS. It means alot having you all help me and give me suggestions. Maybe he should read this, maybe he would kill me, j/k. maybe we should be together and maybe we shouldn't. I can't answer any of these questions and I feel helpless not being able to. I will wait and see if he calls me and what he has to say, if he asks for the ring back again or says something stupid then maybe I should just end it, if for once in his life he calls and acts like he cares, then maybe I will sit and try to have a civil conversation with him. I will keep you all update. Again thanks so much everyone, you all mean alot to me for this.