New BTB Vs. Newlyweds.....

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Posted by usuk2004

WOW, where have I been???

I must've missed all the drama, but did want to point out that I think the newlyweds are just in a really different place from the BTB...They really approach this site in a different way, I think. We look at it as a more social thing than the BTB do. I think we have a pretty close-knit group here, we all know each other and for the most part there is little drama amongst the newlyweds themselves. I remember when I was a BTB, I didn't have much time to come on LIW, so when I did it was just ask my question, get my answer and I'm off. And I think they see the Newlywed board as a resource - a place where you can go and ask your question and have someone who's been there and done that answer instead of other BTB's who may not know anymore than you do yourself. Does that makes sense? I for one have no problem with brides coming on the Newlywed boards...

Also, newlyweds have a much different perspective on the madness of wedding planning because it's over for them - so the My FMIL WANTS TO WEAR OFF-WHITE!!!! post doesn't seem like the end of the world anymore, it just seems like drama and something that won't matter much when the day is said and done.

I'm not sure what the solution is, it would just be nice if everyone got along and used the site as a resource to be able to talk with others no matter what your stage in life.

Although, I'm curious as to why you posted this on NWR, because, really, the NWR board is for everyone - Newlyweds and BTB's...

Anyway, to everyone, it's almost Friday!

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Farah you said it perfectly. I've been on these boards for almost 2 years & having been married before (for a short time) I can fully understand the newlyweds' perspective; also, hoping to be engaged rather soon....(hopefully any day now), these boards are a fantastic resource for answering those questions/considerations that your MOH/sister/mother are already tired of hearing about. We're all in the same boat (BHB) & that is great.

Yet I think Farah said it perfectly...great sum up!!!

As a BTB I just want to say how helpful the newlyweds have been to me. I did post a question on the newlywed board recently because I was getting very few responses from BHB and the 05 boards. The newlyweds really stepped up and gave me some good answers. I was really concerned about posting there because I know that some people get mad and that board is really not the place for those questions, but I was desperate and I'm glad I did. I haven't really seen much of the drama caused by either BTB or newlyweds. I'm not on here all the time, so I guess maybe I've missed it all. The only real drama I have seen was caused by people who aren't here anymore. Anyway, in my opinion, both BTB and newlyweds have been very helpful to me.

Jealous? HA!
Jealous of fighting with DH? Umm No
Jealous of fighting with the BP? Ummm No
Jealous of fighting with Family? Umm No
Jealous of picking/dealing w/ vendors? ugh No!
Jealous of not being able to think anything but wedding? No
Jealous of saving, saving and saving? No
Jealous of forking out too much cash? No


Here are some of the responses that I agree with most:
Jax
'I think the things that you're seeing people talk about are the same things we might have thought were a bit ridiculous while we were planning, but we're more vocal about it now that we've gone through the whole process. '

Felicia
'I am so content, I am married to my soulmate, we are living 'real life' again..and while my wedding day was wonderful , I would never want to relive the stress leading up to it again ...'

Jamie
'I think it is more a lack of respect that you see. I know when I was a BTB I think I posted on the NW board ONCE and it was with permission. I respected their board and appreciated the ones that posted on the BHB that would help us out!!! I would NEVER EVER post things calling the NW scary and things like that, even if some were.'

Moe
'When I was a BTB I never saw the rampant bashing of Newlyweds as I do lately....makes me not want to help anymore'

Red
'Lines were drawn and separations were done by other people NOT the newlyweds...AND YES maybe seeing 'we represent, we showed them, don't let them imitate you' kinda statements OUT OF NO WHERE....well that is where the separation started...'

OK I will stop there with the quoting.

When I was planning my wedding..we are talking way back to 2002, I got yelled at for posting on the NW board! Someone once stated it the best, the board is not called Nw helping brides its called NW ONLY
When I was a btb and someone stated it to me I really thought, 'Damn what's the big deal, we should be one big happy family, right?' But now that have been on the NW side for almost 2 years I get it.
I go over to the BHB side daily to answer questions about weddings
I go to NW to answer and ask questions about post wedding and life.
It's just a different type of relationship on NW...it's two sided, everyone gets to know everyone, everyone comments back and forth with one another.
People say thank you for your help today, it really helped me out.
I hate when I go digging up my contracts, or pictures, or information I collected on vendors and I don't even get a TY, come on people it's common courtesy!
Also, I sometimes NW get blamed for drama because we say it like it is...we have been here for a while and we have lived through a BAZILLION 'Do you like this', 'Do you think it's tacky' , 'Give me your honest opinion' type posts and you know what?...We DO give our honest opinions instead of blow smoke up the posters @$$...for that we get called beyotches and drama queens.
Lastly, to comment on red's post...you can bet your arse when someone starts crap with me or my girls (that I have grown to know, respect and love) well I am going to come out swinging

As a BTB, I actually consider the advice of the newlyweds primarily because they have lived through it. Jax has answered many questions for me and it is appreciated. (Though I am not done yet!!!)

I have seen a (sort of) sisterhood here that I find refreshing. Thanks ladies!

BRAVO lilmrs..

I think it's a matter of perspective actually.
When you're planning, you think certain things are the most important things in the world, and then after the wedding is over, you realize how silly you were to be stressed about every tiny detail - there are things you notice and you hope others notice, and if they do - great....but they will not make your day and better or worse.
So i think as wives, we can see brides going through that....and we know that when they are in our position, they will realize the same thing

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Posted by palebride

I think it's a matter of perspective actually.
When you're planning, you think certain things are the most important things in the world, and then after the wedding is over, you realize how silly you were to be stressed about every tiny detail - there are things you notice and you hope others notice, and if they do - great....but they will not make your day and better or worse.
So i think as wives, we can see brides going through that....and we know that when they are in our position, they will realize the same thing

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while i do believe everything you just wrote...i think it is MORE than that...I think as a NW i completely understand BTB and their drive to make their weddings wonderful. I love to help out in anyway i can...

But its is all the other crap that goes along with it..THAT is what has caused the divide...AND that list would be endless...

AND this divide isn't between all NW vs ALL BTB

there are a bunch of GREAT BTB that i consider to be good friends here...But there are also the holier than thou girls that ruin it for the bunch...Who make the lines between NW and BTB all the more defined

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Posted by lilmrs

When I was planning my wedding..we are talking way back to 2002, I got yelled at for posting on the NW board! Someone once stated it the best, the board is not called Nw helping brides its called NW ONLY
When I was a btb and someone stated it to me I really thought, 'Damn what's the big deal, we should be one big happy family, right?' But now that have been on the NW side for almost 2 years I get it.
I go over to the BHB side daily to answer questions about weddings
I go to NW to answer and ask questions about post wedding and life.
It's just a different type of relationship on NW...it's two sided, everyone gets to know everyone, everyone comments back and forth with one another.
People say thank you for your help today, it really helped me out.
I hate when I go digging up my contracts, or pictures, or information I collected on vendors and I don't even get a TY, come on people it's common courtesy!
Also, I sometimes NW get blamed for drama because we say it like it is...we have been here for a while and we have lived through a BAZILLION 'Do you like this', 'Do you think it's tacky' , 'Give me your honest opinion' type posts and you know what?...We DO give our honest opinions instead of blow smoke up the posters @$$...for that we get called beyotches and drama queens.
Lastly, to comment on red's post...you can bet your arse when someone starts crap with me or my girls (that I have grown to know, respect and love) well I am going to come out swinging

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Lilmrs. you rock!! Bravo,Deb !!

You go Deb.

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Posted by FeliciaDA

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Posted by SeptWed

Maybe jealousy is not the word for it. Its just that when we were in our in planning stages there were some Newlyweds accused of causing drama. Now you see some of that now. That is all i mean by a cycle. Jealousy might not be the right word....but it is some sort of a werid cycle is all.

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I've been on these boards for over a year. When I was a BTB, yes there were some newlyweds that were accused of drama .. many of whom aren't here anymore And there were plenty of BTBs that were guilty of drama as well back then. Yet I do not specifically recall the 'drama' being related to something such as a pure BTB vs. Newlyweds conflict back then .. it was more of a personal thing between some members, newlyweds and brides-to-be alike.. and it was a lot nastier than anything that goes on around here these days. I don't think you can compare the 'drama' you are describing these days to anything like THAT drama used to be like. Back then it was hurtful and meanspirited.. these days its just annoying

In fact, there are plenty of ladies who were newlyweds when I was a BTB that are STILL here.. and who are awesome (Swags and Ambersmom come to mind first) .. ladies who went out of there way to always make us 'new girls' feel welcome and to help us and support us with our plans..

I agree with what Mo, Tracy and Swags said .. the drama of late seems to be an overall lack of respect between the boards and between the brides and the NWs.. And no, I'm honestly not sure where this all originated...but I certainly DO NOT RECALL the majority of the '04 brides remotely acting the way *some* of the newer brides have been acting towards us of late..

I honestly can say I NEVER even used to LOOK at the newlywed board when I was a BTB .. the fact that it is innundated with posts by brides of late is mind boggling to me! Not that I truly mind answering questions.. its just that often there is SO much info on BHB or the '05 / '06 boards, or just by searching.. I dunno

Edited to add : most of us newlyweds stay on the NW board and NWR.. and otherwise are just here trying to help on BHB if we see that we can contribute. But really as Mo said, its gotten to a point where you don't even WANT to help if you aren't even acknolwedged with some respect

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Thank you Felicia - that is perfect!!!! I don't get the whole US vs THEM thing that's going on with some of the boards as of late. Guess what? At some point, the BTB's will be newlyweds and they will be experiencing the same things we've all gone through as old married folks. Why they think they are exclusive to this process, I have no idea. I also see some what of a trend in term of marriages that seems to maybe attribute to the situation? The BTB's seem a little younger than they were when I got married, so maybe that has something to do with it? I'm sorry if I seem like I'm generalizing everyone into nice little lumps. There's always exceptions to every situation.

IMO, and from what I can recall, 'drama' seems to have started this way: (And, I'll only refer to my own experience here)

a BTB would post about being upset about something.

Having finished my wedding planning, and returned to a more 'normal' place in my life, I responded (with what *I* thought was a very friendly, helplful tone) that this BTB shouldn't worry about this issue because in the end, it won't be a big deal.

Then, all of a sudden, I start seeing posts about 'why are the newlyweds mean' and 'look what the newlyweds posted' and even more posts (from people who never read the original posts but just ASSUMED that the newlyweds were being nasty) 'they aren't planning a wedding, why are they still here' and 'now that they're wives, don't they ahve anything better to do than post on these boards' type of things.

So, that's my recollection of events.

edited to add: during my planning time, I saw PLENTY of drama, but it all ultimately washed up and (mostly) everyone returned to normal.

It seems like now, people hold grudges for much longer and the more times we all post about 'who versus who' the longer these grudges will last

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Posted by palebride

I think it's a matter of perspective actually.
When you're planning, you think certain things are the most important things in the world, and then after the wedding is over, you realize how silly you were to be stressed about every tiny detail - there are things you notice and you hope others notice, and if they do - great....but they will not make your day and better or worse.
So i think as wives, we can see brides going through that....and we know that when they are in our position, they will realize the same thing

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I agree. You see posts like can you believe my MOH had the nerve to get pregnant BEFORE MY WEDDING!? Like I want someone showing in my pictures?! And one of my BM has foot problems and says she can't wear the 4' heel I chose--I'm not a bridezilla but c'mon, it's 5 hours, can't she do it for me? Isn't it MY DAY!?

I don't think I was ever a bridezilla, but you see these posts and want to shake some sense into them. In five hours it's all over, and what is important is the marriage. I do try to help with concrete suggestions and referrals, but any post that starts with 'Am I wrong?,' I pretty much can predict the answer to...

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Posted by nov04LIbride
You see posts like can you believe my MOH had the nerve to get pregnant BEFORE MY WEDDING!? Like I want someone showing in my pictures?! And one of my BM has foot problems and says she can't wear the 4' heel I chose--I'm not a bridezilla but c'mon, it's 5 hours, can't she do it for me? Isn't it MY DAY!?

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Exactly!!

Also, as Suvan pointed out - I try to be helpgul as much as I can, and share my experiences, and photos when they are requested....but I find it very frustrating when I take the time to put pictures up that someone has specifically asked for...and I dont' ever get a response....or when I take the time to write a detailed FM when I am asked a question - and never recieve a thank you in return....
So i find I've become less helpful as a result

the whole no THANK YOU thing drives me batty. I have responded, reasearched, and given detailed advice on SOOOO many things and a persona cannot have a curtousey THANK YOU is what makes me say 'it's not even worth responding too'.
A lot of people asked me about my trip to Africa and I gave detail upon detail and answered question upon question and to not get a simple 'thanks for the info' just baffles me. Many girls did thank me but a ton just never even responded back. That pissed me off the most because I took a lot of time to explain about something/somewhere that a lot of people don't know about.

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Posted by FeliciaDA

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Posted by SeptWed

Maybe jealousy is not the word for it. Its just that when we were in our in planning stages there were some Newlyweds accused of causing drama. Now you see some of that now. That is all i mean by a cycle. Jealousy might not be the right word....but it is some sort of a werid cycle is all.

---

I've been on these boards for over a year. When I was a BTB, yes there were some newlyweds that were accused of drama .. many of whom aren't here anymore And there were plenty of BTBs that were guilty of drama as well back then. Yet I do not specifically recall the 'drama' being related to something such as a pure BTB vs. Newlyweds conflict back then .. it was more of a personal thing between some members, newlyweds and brides-to-be alike.. and it was a lot nastier than anything that goes on around here these days. I don't think you can compare the 'drama' you are describing these days to anything like THAT drama used to be like. Back then it was hurtful and meanspirited.. these days its just annoying

In fact, there are plenty of ladies who were newlyweds when I was a BTB that are STILL here.. and who are awesome (Swags and Ambersmom come to mind first) .. ladies who went out of there way to always make us 'new girls' feel welcome and to help us and support us with our plans..

I agree with what Mo, Tracy and Swags said .. the drama of late seems to be an overall lack of respect between the boards and between the brides and the NWs.. And no, I'm honestly not sure where this all originated...but I certainly DO NOT RECALL the majority of the '04 brides remotely acting the way *some* of the newer brides have been acting towards us of late..

I honestly can say I NEVER even used to LOOK at the newlywed board when I was a BTB .. the fact that it is innundated with posts by brides of late is mind boggling to me! Not that I truly mind answering questions.. its just that often there is SO much info on BHB or the '05 / '06 boards, or just by searching.. I dunno

Edited to add : most of us newlyweds stay on the NW board and NWR.. and otherwise are just here trying to help on BHB if we see that we can contribute. But really as Mo said, its gotten to a point where you don't even WANT to help if you aren't even acknolwedged with some respect

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Felicia, I think you said it best and I completely agree. Lilmrs also made alot of good points.

I just wanted to add that I still vividly remember my planning days and it's funny how as a BTB, some people (not all, but I definitely had moments) have a tendency to immediately assume that anyone that disagrees with them or has a different opinion of something is 'jealous'. It's some kind of condition that comes with becoming a BTB, I think. Sort of like paranoia, you think that everyone is jealous of you.

Of course, you don't realize any of this until you cross over to 'the other side'. Once you are done with the wedding, you enter a completely different mentality... and alot of that stuff is behind you. Jealousy is definitely NOT an issue (but I think we established that already ). I definitely try to go over to BHB and answer questions as much as I can because I know that when I was planning I valued the opinions of the NWs so much more than BTBs because they had recently been there. But honestly, since being done with the weddding, sometimes I look back at those posts and I can't relate anymore. I can't tell the BTBs how insignificant their panicked post really is in the grand scheme of things because:

1. I know *I* certainly didn't want to hear that when I was a bride

and

2. Often they might be better off with the empathy of another BTB.


The division in the boards is really childish, I agree. And I've also noticed the same 'repeat offenders' fueling this (from both sides, I guess) and aiming their 'attacks' (for lack of a better word) at the same NWs... so it makes it seem a tad bit more personal than general sometimes. But either way, it should stop... there was drama before that was far worse than this, but it didn't cause this kind of split in the community of boards.

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Posted by palebride

Also, as Suvan pointed out - I try to be helpgul as much as I can, and share my experiences, and photos when they are requested....but I find it very frustrating when I take the time to put pictures up that someone has specifically asked for...and I dont' ever get a response....or when I take the time to write a detailed FM when I am asked a question - and never recieve a thank you in return....
So i find I've become less helpful as a result

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This is also very true.

Mind if I put my two cents in?
There's a lot of factors that we dont quite realize, but play a significant part in how we all mesh.
For newbies, it takes them a while to understand the dynamics of the boards. Its a no-no to ask questions on 'bride's review' or 'newlyweds'. It takes some getting used to. I know I only learned from experience. But when they are corrected or someone mentions a rule, some girls take it the wrong way and get bent out of shape about it. A person's response may be taken the wrong way also. Same goes with learning everyone's personalities. I know to avoid certain people, but I dont classify them as a newlywed, 05er, or 06er. Not everyone is going to get along.
Personally, I know it gets boring repeating the same information to the BTB's, but please dont let this discourage you. I for one ALWAYS appreciate a newlywed's (or for that matter anyone's) advice.

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Posted by divabride

Mind if I put my two cents in?
There's a lot of factors that we dont quite realize, but play a significant part in how we all mesh.
For newbies, it takes them a while to understand the dynamics of the boards. Its a no-no to ask questions on 'bride's review' or 'newlyweds'. It takes some getting used to. I know I only learned from experience. But when they are corrected or someone mentions a rule, some girls take it the wrong way and get bent out of shape about it. A person's response may be taken the wrong way also. Same goes with learning everyone's personalities. I know to avoid certain people, but I dont classify them as a newlywed, 05er, or 06er. Not everyone is going to get along.
Personally, I know it gets boring repeating the same information to the BTB's, but please dont let this discourage you. I for one ALWAYS appreciate a newlywed's (or for that matter anyone's) advice.

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I understand what you are saying but there is a division that has been created unneccesarily. The 'them' vs. 'us'. And i know it was started by comments from people that have been here for quite some time...And it is truly sad and hurtful that such comments have been made causing rifts to be formed...

I never saw any division when i was a BTB...Was there drama on NWR HELL YEA..but it wasn't a year/NW thing...

It is there now ! And continues to grow


ETA..what is also interesting to me is that i know certain people are reading this and not responding...BUT if this was about drama..holy cow do they come running and sounding alarms