That whole bit about having to be married to have children? Noone told me about it either..... oops...
I have 3 boys. All surprises, 'oops' babies as they are often called. I never wanted children, never wanted to get married either for that matter!
I know people who are on both sides of this issue. FH's aunt, who is now in her 40's, put her career first and is now regretting not having kids. FH's second cousin never wanted kids (I've known her since HS and she didn't want them then) and when she got married neither did her husband. Now, he's the one having second thoughts. FH's other cousin has two boys from his first marriage and while he doesn't want any more, his new wife does - she has none of her own. My sister had a boy and a girl and promptly got her tubes tied. They are now 12 and 8 and she wants another.
My point is, this is not a decision to take lightly. Talk, Talk, Talk with your FH till you are both blue in the face and come to a decision together so there are not problems down the line.
I don't care if you want them or not - I'm not judgemental like that. But I DO want all of us to have long and happy marriages!!!
lipglossjunky73
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Re: Not having children?
Posted by Tria1110
The timing of this post is ubelievable!
I just went for my regular visit to my gyno on Monday and he asked if we were thinking about having children. I told him neither one of us has a strong feeling either way right now. His jaw just dropped! Like I had said something so unbelievable. He then suggested that I should really start thinking about it and deciding soon - get this - considering my age! Then he asked if I had any siblings (yes, one sister) and then he asked if she had children ( no, they had decided against it). He then got psychological on me and suggested that there might have been something in our upbringing that I was ambivalent and she didn't want any.
ALL I CAN SAY IS - WOW!!!!
Thank you for this post - thought I was nuts!
i would be like - uhhh - doc - just stick with what you know - get finished with those cold instruments on my hoo ha, and get the heck out of here...
TaraJohn
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Re: Not having children?
I don't plan on having kids. I paid an extreme amiount for my education and there is no way i could take off to have kids for a very long time, If i did have kids it would be a month off and the kid would be in day care. Personally i don't think there is any point in having a kid i would never really get to spend time with. Unfortunatelty, many people do not agree with that......including the future in laws.....
bride2b24
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Re: Not having children?
i totally respect those who decide not to have children.....IMO some people who originally do not want kids just have children to fill a void in their life or to make others happy.....some people dont realize that you are creating another life!!!! i def do want kids but for me at this time in my life they just dont fit! and when its right it will be right!
sr081906
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Re: Not having children?
You did pick a touchy subject....
I do want children but actually don't know whether I can have any or not (until we try after the HM). We are both 'older' and BOTH are on the same page.
That being said, it is sad that you always have to 'mold' to the stereotype couple. Some couple will say they don't want any because one of the partner cannot conceive and they don't want to make it public. Some people are just not made to be parents... (and some parents should not parents!!!). That's not in their personality or whatever the reason is.
I think as long as the couple is in an agreement on the subject it's really nobody's business.
Several years ago, an OB GYN nurse told me I should really 'step on it', I was going to be old, I could have 'major' problem later, I should not delay past 34... thank you very much lady for the scare tactic.. I just came to do my annual exam and have a pap smear... Can we stick to that? Maybe I will make an appointment when I am ready.
rafiki
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Re: Not having children?
I have no urge to have a child. People make comments ALL the time about the way I feel, especially my friends who are PG. Maybe I will change my mind, but I doubt it. I've never felt like the motherly type. I have two nephews and a neice who I absolutely adore but I see how different my sister's lives are now and I know it's just not for me. I don't think I am horrible person for feeling this way. I also know that having a child won't complete me or the relationship I have with my FI. I am very happy and content with my lifle and my decisions I have made thus far. To each his own.
Mdolph6
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Re: Not having children?
We have decided to have children, but not until about a year and a half after we get married.....we'd like to fit alittle more traveling in before the kids start coming.
BellaEyes
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Re: Not having children?
I am not so sure anymore...
OctoberPrincess2006
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Re: Not having children?
My fiancee and I would love to have children one day. I am turning 30 in the summer, and for some reason since I am getting older I think about it more and more. I am still in grad school, and building my career as a teacher. BUT I feel in a few years I will start to try and have children, the thing that worries me is that if I can have children, so many women that I know have had a really hard time getting pregnant, so this worries me.
greenfreak
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Re: Not having children?
That's another reason why I don't like talking about it with people. Because you don't know who you're talking to. If I start spouting off all the reasons why and preparing myself for the onslaught of judgement, I'll look like an *** if I'm speaking to someone who is desperately trying to have children but cannot.
SunBride07
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Re: Not having children?
I'm not having any children except for 2nd cousins - If I didn't draw a line I would have way too many!
itslaurie.
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Re: Not having children?
Posted by greenfreak
I'll look like an *** if I'm speaking to someone who is desperately trying to have children but cannot.
good point, I didn't even think of it like that.
frosty
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Re: Not having children?
My DH and I have been together about 10 years (we met when I was 29 and he was 32). We decided very early on in our relationship that we will be child-free. Our decision has never wavered.
I get steamed when people tell me I'm 'selfish' because I have chosen not to procreate. No, I'd be selfish (and irresponsible) if I had children that I did not want, just because society thinks I should have them.
Cheers to those of you who have decided to have children. And cheers to those of you who have decided that NOT having children is the best decision for you and your spouse.
greenfreak
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Re: Not having children?
*sigh*
We went to see the FIL's yesterday for Mother's Day. My FMIL pulls me aside after dinner (making sure FFIL and FH don't hear) and says,
'So now that you're getting married, you're having children, yes?'
For the next five minutes I had a very uncomfortable conversation with her. Everything I said was interrupted with 'But whyyyyyyyyyyy? I don't understaaaaaaaand!'
Finally I just said, 'We're not having children just because everyone else wants us to. That would be selfish and unfair to us and to the child.'
She told me I'm not too old, asked if I was afraid of gaining weight, and said she isn't giving up on this.
My FH was pretty mad about it on the way home because he got a mini-lecture too. We decided that the next time this comes up after the wedding, we're going to refuse to discuss it and walk away. It's just his Mom. His Dad isn't happy about the decision but respects it at least and doesn't nag.
Add that to her complaining about not being able to find what she wants off the registry (she waits until one week before the shower to do this) and that she's going to feel uncomfortable at the shower because she doesn't know anyone, and that she still hasn't found a dress or shoes for the wedding (in 26 days, mind you) and we had a WONDERFUL time!
...we need a 'rolling the eyes' smiley I think.
I knew I should have spent Mother's Day with my own family!!!!!
brooklynbridezilla
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Re: Not having children?
Katie&Chris2006
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Re: Not having children?
Posted by greenfreak
*sigh*
We went to see the FIL's yesterday for Mother's Day. My FMIL pulls me aside after dinner (making sure FFIL and FH don't hear) and says,
'So now that you're getting married, you're having children, yes?'
For the next five minutes I had a very uncomfortable conversation with her. Everything I said was interrupted with 'But whyyyyyyyyyyy? I don't understaaaaaaaand!'
Finally I just said, 'We're not having children just because everyone else wants us to. That would be selfish and unfair to us and to the child.'
She told me I'm not too old, asked if I was afraid of gaining weight, and said she isn't giving up on this.
My FH was pretty mad about it on the way home because he got a mini-lecture too. We decided that the next time this comes up after the wedding, we're going to refuse to discuss it and walk away. It's just his Mom. His Dad isn't happy about the decision but respects it at least and doesn't nag.
Add that to her complaining about not being able to find what she wants off the registry (she waits until one week before the shower to do this) and that she's going to feel uncomfortable at the shower because she doesn't know anyone, and that she still hasn't found a dress or shoes for the wedding (in 26 days, mind you) and we had a WONDERFUL time!
...we need a 'rolling the eyes' smiley I think.
I knew I should have spent Mother's Day with my own family!!!!!
Ugh...I'm so sorry this was what your day was like. I agree that the next time this topic comes up, you should not even respond to it. Like her talking to you is instantly gonna change your mind??? C'mon lady, get real.
I commend you and FH for talking about it and coming to a decision that you are both comfortable with. I've seen people not talk about it too many times and then realize they are on different pages way down the line. 's to you!
JanuaryBride06
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Re: Not having children?
I'm so sorry that you have to put up with it.
divabride
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Re: Not having children?
Your not alone Dh and I dont plan to have children either. After years of sounding like a broken record, I just dont bother anymore. People ALWAYS pass judgement on us and I just find it way easier to say 'We'll see'. Hang in there, and if you ever need to vent, we're all here
