Not having children?

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Posted by kittythestray

It's so weird - I am not having kids and I am pretty vocal about it and I've never gotten any negativity about it.... or maybe I did and didn't notice because anyone who was negative toward me JUST because I wasn't having children is obviously stupid and not worth listening to

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maybe I should start running in the same circles as you!

As a mother and as someone who wants more kids, I think it's appalling for someone to judge you for not wanting kids...younger or older. Those mean old people who judged you should be tarred and feathered... but seriously, that's a choice...just like getting married in the first place.

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Posted by kittythestray

From reading the posts it seems that not having a coctail hour is a BIG problem, but not having kids is fairly acceptable....

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You ladies have NO idea how relieved I am, reading all of your responses. I honestly don't know anyone else that made the decision we did. Until now.

My FH and I had discussed it in the very beginning, and agreed that we would not be parents. We have a lot of reasons, reasons that we think are good reasons. Reasons that are not the business of nosy, self-righteous people who think just because they have a child, that gives them the right to pass judgement.

The flak we get is much like what you have already said. Here's the usual list of responses/attitudes:

1. You're young yet, you'll change your mind when you get older.
2. Aren't you religious?
3. Is there a medical reason why you can't?
4. You don't understand the rewards of having a child that you're missing out on!
5. What are you going to do when you get old and you don't have children to take care of you?

My responses:

1. I'm 33. I think I would have figured it out by now.
2. No. Not that that would make much of a difference.
3. I didn't say CAN'T I said WANT. And if there was a medical reason, how much of an *** are you to ask such a question?
4. And I never will. A mystery I'm willing to live with.
5. That's a great reason to have kids. So that you have a provider for your nursing home. Don't worry about me. The money we save by not having kids will pay for our medical care.

I have 7 nieces and nephews and I'm very present in their lives, much more so than anyone else outside the immediate family. I 'get' that a child's love is special. I get to enrich their lives in my own way and share in their good times and bad. I know it's not the same, I'm not an idiot. But it's a happy medium for people who don't want kids of their own.

And we are happy. We're not soul-less, selfish, empty-inside people who loathe kids. We love the children that are in our lives.

Thanks for the vent. It's things I've always wanted to say to the many people who have said these things to me over the years.

I'm sure I'll get more of this at the wedding and afterwards. Until I'm 40, it won't end. What can you do? *shrug*

I just think that its funny where this post was -

Not having coktail hour?
Then, right under it
Not having children?

Of course, I just screwed up the order by responmding so the joke will be lost...

Just had to comment (btw - I REALLY do want kids!!!!)

adding a twist to the thread...about wanting kids but still not ready?

I'm 39-he's 40..haven't pulled the trigger yet..still not sure???

That's us.

Oh and I know..we'd better make up our minds asap!

for Tricia (Greenfreak).

I know a lot of women who don't want kids.. the only time it ever baffled me was when I was a kid!

So - the only reason to get married is to procreate? I know I'm preaching to the choir here, but come on...


Like i said - I want kids, but that is not the reason I am getting married! And, I missed health class that day, but someone told me in the girl's room that you don't need to be married to have kids anyway.... I won't share the detials but it sounds ickyyyy to me...

all kidding aside - kids are not going to be the defining moment of our marriage - they will be our family, but my relationship with FH will be sacred and full of love and companionship whether we have kids or not...


I am 32, and want to have them before I am 35 because I know there can be more complications as you get older...

If you are not ready or don't want a child, then don't - because I work in the autism field, and nothing is worse for a family (or the child) than a child who really wasn't wanted in the 1st place, and now has all of these problems on top of that - problems that parents will have to take care of for the rest of their lives (So there goes the kids taking care of you when you get old notion....)

not to say that every child could have a disability, but if you don't want a child, and you are pressured to to satisfy some societal norm, then you have to be prepared for whatever tye of child you get.... because those people barking at you sure as S%&* not taking care of that child for you...

Just my 2 cents...

The timing of this post is ubelievable!

I just went for my regular visit to my gyno on Monday and he asked if we were thinking about having children. I told him neither one of us has a strong feeling either way right now. His jaw just dropped! Like I had said something so unbelievable. He then suggested that I should really start thinking about it and deciding soon - get this - considering my age! Then he asked if I had any siblings (yes, one sister) and then he asked if she had children ( no, they had decided against it). He then got psychological on me and suggested that there might have been something in our upbringing that I was ambivalent and she didn't want any.

ALL I CAN SAY IS - WOW!!!!

Thank you for this post - thought I was nuts!

Very interesting thread. FH & I do see a few kids in our distant future, but I would never judge someone who never wants to have children thats just silly and I don't know why it would bother someone so much

DH and I are both 35. Many people assumed that we would stop BC right after the wedding and some thought even before. My age alone causes concern among the general public that my ovaries will dry and shrivel up and I will be barren. People leave us alone. We want kids. But we also dont want kids with credit card debt.

I firmly believe that people who say they dont want kids, SHOULDN'T have kids. If it isnt in the plan, no amount of someone plopping a kid in one's lap is going to convert them to parenthood. Sure sometimes unplanned pregnancies happen and people deal with it. But the last thing a child needs is to grow up in a home where parents resent that child's existence just because someone said the only reason to marry is to have children. No love at all can be as bad as any form of abuse.

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Posted by Tria1110

The timing of this post is ubelievable!

I just went for my regular visit to my gyno on Monday and he asked if we were thinking about having children. I told him neither one of us has a strong feeling either way right now. His jaw just dropped! Like I had said something so unbelievable. He then suggested that I should really start thinking about it and deciding soon - get this - considering my age! Then he asked if I had any siblings (yes, one sister) and then he asked if she had children ( no, they had decided against it). He then got psychological on me and suggested that there might have been something in our upbringing that I was ambivalent and she didn't want any.

ALL I CAN SAY IS - WOW!!!!

Thank you for this post - thought I was nuts!

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I think that was completely unprofessional. It's one thing to tell you about the risks of waiting, but where does he get off commenting on your upbringing?

The only thing that matters is that you and your spouse are on the same page about wanting/not wanting kids. I think it's disgusting that people think they have the right to comment on another couple's decision to have children. DH and I want kids one day, but I'd never judge anyone who didn't want them.

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Posted by Deedlebug126

There is nothing wrong with not wanting to have children... What is wrong is woman who are pressured into having children and then don't take care of them. I commend anyone who knows that children are not for them, and stand by not having any.

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I Completely agree! I think having children is a huge decision that some people rush into and then regret later which ends up hurting the child. There are way to many people out there who shouldn't have had children. I think all of you who have made the decision no to are far from seflish in that you realize it's not for you. Trust me, after a day with my neices and nephew I seriously reconsider my decision to have kids

i think it's wonderful that you know what you want and what you don't want. that's so important. too many people are unsure about something that's so life-changing and takes a great deal of responsibility...

I never wanted kids when iwas younger and since I met FH I really want kids...