NWR: Relationship Question - UPDATE!

Ok, so how many of your girls have a 'girls night out' with their friends? When I say 'girls night out' I mean dinner and maybe a comedy club or something low key afterwards......no bars or nightclubs or anything like that?

My FI doesn't beleive in them. He says when you're in a relationship that you should ALWAYS do things together. So when I told him that I think a girls night out is fine, he got all upset and said he's never liked that in his past relationships and he will always be like that.

But when we first met and got to know each other, he knew that I LOVED my girls night out with my friends.We lived in apart but I would always call him when I got in from dinner to let him know what we did and what not. He never mentioned anything at that point that he didn't agree with them.

We've been together for almost 3 years now. For the past 2.5 years, I've been in and out of the hospital, having surgeries and recovering. So really, a social life never really existed.

But now that I am getting healthy again, I want to start hanging out with my girls again and do girlie things....dinner, shopping a movie....that kind of thing. He said , again, that's not somethign that I should be doing in a realtionship and that he doesn't agree with it.

I just don't understand. I understand that being together as a couple means doing things together as a couple. And I LOVE doing things with him......but there are times when I just want to do girly things. He tells me that if I want to do girly things, like shopping or whatever that he can go with me......he says 'why do you have to go with your girl friends?'. This all just came up recently so I am just in shock.

This isn't just about not going to the girls night out thing. I feel that he's trying to take something away from me that makes who I am. Does that make sense? I have no issue at all if he wants to go to a pub with his buddies to watch a game. I WANT him to be able to do that.........

I am freaking out right now. We are getting married in 6 months. I am sending out STD's out in a few days. He is VERY serious with his feelings about this and he said he won't change at all. At that moment, I felt like I didn't even know him. I am so sad right now. I have sooooooooo many things going through my head...............

Can anyone give me advice on this at all? Has anyone been in this situation?

Thanks for listening

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

UPDATE!

So we talked A LOT last night about this. My FI's parents divorced when he was younger, and he found out that they divorced becuase his dad cheated on his mom.

I knew about the divorce but I never knew the reason. I wasn't going to push him to tell me ..... I wanted him to tell me when he was ready. Well, last night, he was ready.

Everything makes sense to me now. I am going to support him in everyway and help him get through these feelings he has.

I KNOW everything will be OK.

Thank you ALL for your support and advice!!

Wow, that sounds like a lot to deal with!! I am sorry that you are going thru this 6 months before your wedding, but it is better that this is happening now then later. I think all healthy relationships need breathing room. Everyone needs to have their own space. Having a life- going out with your girls to dinner and a movie is healthy and necessary. I also have these nights with my girls about once a month! I love them!!

It sounds to me that DF is being a bit of a control freak. You mentioned that he has expressed these views to you before but then you were dealing with recovering- has he been so controlling in other parts of your life? Does he make you feel as though you have to 'check in' with him before you do anything? If so, you may need to reevalute your relationship. I don't mean to sound harsh and obviously I do not know you or him, but what you are describing is somewhat of an abusive relationship... wanting to keep you all to himself, not wanting you to see and enjoy your friends, not wanting you to have any outside experiences. This is not the way an adult should be treating another adult!! Does he keep you from your family too?

Again, I am sorry that you are dealing with this, but it must be addressed and you must be heard if you are going to marry this man. You are not his doll nor his prisoner. You are going to be his wife and partner. You may need to talk to a counselor about this. Good luck sweetie. Stick to your guns. We all need friends and space! It is natural and necessary!!

---

Posted by twinkletoes807

wanting to keep you all to himself, not wanting you to see and enjoy your friends, not wanting you to have any outside experiences.

---

Well, we do go to football games all the time (he LOVES football). All of us are together.......friends and whatnot. He says that he doesn't understand why I need a girls night outside of us getting together for football games. He says I get to catch up with the girls there. He says that when we are planning a girls night out, he things the guys should be invited too...........

I told him that yah, I get to catch up with my girls there, BUT, we are there for YOU guys and the football. We always do football things and stuff like that but I never get to do girly things. He just doesn't get it..........

I don't have a girls night out but hang out with my friends who happen to be mostly men needless to say i go out every so often with them. I have been upfront with fh saying when we live together married or not married i will have them over to our place every so often and there are times i will go to their places - he has no problems. He understands that even with my friends being guys i have no intention of ever hooking up with them because it would of been done 10 years ago! So its all good in that respect.

In your case i would be worried with fh getting like that because it sounds like he is a control freak. Now i am not saying he will turn evil on you but you need to make him understand going out once in a while alone with ur friends is HIGHLY normal and recommended. Relationships burn out when its just two people all the time. Also, you need fresh convosation and to feel free to vent otherwise things build up in a relationship and turn bad.

Good luck - and please have a heart to hear with him

---

Posted by BoxOfRocks

I am terribly sorry you are going through this. I'm afraid I agree with the previous posters. This is a red flag. I don't want to sound alarmist, but please don’t ignore this. It may never turn into anything more sinister, but take this sign for what it is.

Does he also dislike it when you see your family without him? Does he criticize your clothing? Monitor your spending habits or otherwise control your money? How are the women treated in his family?

Again, I am really sorry you are encountering this and I don’t want to alarm you. This is a great topic to address in pre-marital counseling. If he won’t go with you, go by yourself, so at least you can get some perspective.

I wish you the best.

---

I have to agree. A number of things could be going on here, but all need to be explored. Either he's incredibly insecure and a bit worried about what goes on during girls nights - which may be a trust issue too - or he's controlling and that can be very dangerous. It's not necessarily dangerous, but it could be and that's why you need to explore these issues with him, and I think exploring them in a pre-marital counseling session may be a very good forum for this. I think everyone needs some space, I don't think being in a relationship means you lose your identity, and I could see this becoming a big problem later on if it's not addressed now. Good luck to you.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

You hit the nail on the head with this: 'This isn't just about not going to the girls night out thing. I feel that he's trying to take something away from me that makes who I am.' You never want to give up what makes you who you are - EVER.

This is absolutely something that needs to be addressed, as many of the posters have said here. I was in a relationship where all we had was each other and we did not have anything outside of that. Your life sounds alot more social than ours was, but what I learned in that experience is that it is SO IMPORTANT to have your own lives and interests away from each other. I admire you for focusing on this now and not denying it- that was my problem in my previous relationship- I let it eat away at me for years. Please don't let this issue go- address it and make FH realize this is going to a problem that will affect your relationship very negatively for years to come. I'm sure he doesn't want you to resent him for keeping you from doing things you have every right to do.

ETA: In my previous relationship, my ex also felt as if we should do EVERYTHING together. He was heavily insecure, but the problem was, he really didn't have a life outside of me. Your FH is different in that way obviously. But it made me so miserable and I didn't realize how much life was sapped out of me. You can't allow someone to control your life...and he should realize that is what he is trying to do (although he might not mean to be doing this, it's just his 'relationship philosophy').

My relationship with FH is completely different than my previous one- we have our own lives and interests, yet we do things together too. Sometimes, I complain that FH is almost TOO independent! He goes off on his trips to see football games with his buddies. But that gives me time to be with my family and friends! Having things outside of your relationship is so healthy. Then when you return to each other it's better than ever!

Did you have pre-cana yet (if you're marrying in a church that is)? Hopefully these are issues you can bring up there too.

GOOD LUCK!! We're here for you!!!

Please FM me if you need to talk more about this...I've been in your situation before so I know how it feels!!

---

Posted by BoxOfRocks

Does he also dislike it when you see your family without him? Does he criticize your clothing? Monitor your spending habits or otherwise control your money? How are the women treated in his family?

---

All of my family live in another country. So really, I haven't expereienced that at all with him.

He doesn't understand when I got to Walmart or the grocery store why I put makeup on (really, it's rare, and when I do, it's just mascara). He doesn't ever get mad that I wear makeup at all......but he doens't understand why I need it. He does monitor the spending but not to a degree to where I would be worried. He's an accountant so he's really into our finances and what not. We have a joint account so all the spending goes through the same account anyways.

All the women in his family are treated amazingly. His parents divored when he was younger but his mom remarried a wonderful person. Other than this, he treats me perfectly. He opens all the doors for me, gets out of bed in the morning and makes sure the blankets don't lift off of me while I'm still sleeping.......does breakfast in bed.......he really is a great guy, but it's just this one thing that is worrying me.

---

Posted by GettinHutched

Did you have pre-cana yet (if you're marrying in a church that is)? Hopefully these are issues you can bring up there too.

GOOD LUCK!! We're here for you!!!

---

We start our pre-cana in January. Maybe that will help a bit?? Maybe he'll be able to understand why it bothers him so much.............

I do love him with everything I have, but this just really scared me.....made me think about the future. I hope that I'm not over reacting.........

So if he considers it girls time to go to football games, then maybe he needs to see what girls time is like when you're doing girly things. Myabe you invite him out with you and your girls but reeeeeeeally girl it up. Go see a weepy chick flick (something along the lines of the notebook maybe??) and then go to dinner and talk about your hair and your 'aunt flo' and pms..... Maybe you can convince him to let you have girls nights but make it look like it's HIM making the desicion not to join you anymore?

If that doesn't work, I'd be careful about moving foward with your relationship. I'm not saying don't move foward, but just be careful. The whole thing sounds really controlling to me and a little scary! Does he have any other controlling tendencies? Does he have a temper at all?

I dont mean to scare you but it worries me a little that he's saying he'll 'never' change. Relationships survive on compromise!

I love my girls nights out - and initially FH was a bit hesitant about them... it was kind of like 'What do you MEAN you wanna go out without ME!' I explained that I need some time to just be with my friends sometimes. And he gets it now.

We each take 1 night a month to spend outside the house and away from each other. I usually spend it with friends - getting a manicure, drinking wine, talking about our sex lives - whatever. It is fun and honestly? By the end of the night I miss FH and the kids and can't wait to get home and snuggle next to them. He usually goes out and plays pool or paintball with the guys on his night and he has said that he always looks forward to coming home because he misses us.

You need to set boundaries and do it now. Let him know that you love him and he is number 1 in your life... but he isn't the ONLY thing in your life. Let him know that you need time apart and that this is how it will be now and in the future. I think if he sees that this is non negotiable he may just grudgingly accept it at first... and soon it will just become a part of the status quo!

Good luck!

maybe invite him to a girls night out....he seems a bit of a control freak/ or insecure...show him how its not a major deal... u just get together with ur friends have a lil time by yourself...and tell him howcome its okay that your girlfriends leave their men/bf's at home too...for a few hours...nothing will change in ur relationship by having a girls night out/

in fact its verrryy healthy..to even have a lil time apart because when ur together again u miss the person and remember why it is u wanted to be with them so much...doing EVERYTHING every lil thing can be overwhelming at times...


dont frown, just be patient with DH, and when u speak to him do it really calmly...if u get upsett he might feel weird and not understand why it matters to u so muchh... u have to change his perspective on thiss!! otherwise after marriage u wont be able to do anythingg...

and yes he sounds like a veryy nice guy for helping you out and sticking by your side...but some things just cant be comprimised all the time

anyways good luckk

A lot has been said already, so I will just add that I think pre-cana will help! I haven't been yet, but I did meet with my priest and he went over everything that will be covered before he agrees to marry us - one of them is pre-cana, another is FOCCUS test questions. He said that we'll see if my FH and I have any issues that need to be resolved before he agrees to marry us - topics to be covered include how we deal with alone time or time with friends (obviously among other things). So I realllly think this should be something you bring up with your priest. If you weren't Catholic, my first suggestion would have been to go to a couples therapist, but pre-cana and Foccus will be just as good if not cheaper!

I think time without your fiance/husband is GOOD for the relationship and necessary. There's nothing wrong with it at all. I think he might have an issue with insecurity and that's why he doesn't want you to spend time without him (afraid maybe that you'll find someone else or realize he's not the one or do something you're not 'supposed to'). Something definitely to work on before the wedding day.

Hopefully you can both come to an understanding that works for the long run. No point in getting married and to later realize this has become a huge issue between you. Lots of luck!!!

Like I said, it's GREAT that you are aware of this and want to address it. Ignoring it is the worst thing you can do. And you're obviously not doing that, so you're on a healthy road here. Never let this issue go with FH...don't give up on what's important to you.

At least your FH LETS you wear my makeup. My EX (not FH) was grossed out by it so I didn't wear makeup for....hold onto your hats....SEVEN YEARS! And I'm a girl that needs it, trust me. I'm so jealous of girls who don't! My sister secretly called me 'wash and wear.' OUCH! haha We laugh about that now. I was hiding behind that relationship...didn't even want to be attractive. I totally hid behind who I was for years...you are most definitely not in that kind of relationship. You're smarter than I was, obviously.

The first step is acknowleding the problem and you've done that- which means you can work on it!!! I think your FH knows you're a beautiful/great girl and he's so scared to death of losing you. But in his mind, the only way he'll lose you is if you find another guy. He's gotta realize the surefire way to keep you is just simply letting you live your life and be yourself!! That's the only way anyone can be happy in a relationship.

How funny- our FH's are both sports fanatics AND accountants!!

Good luck!! FM me anytime!

first of all, i think its great that you are bringing this up, and that it raised a red flag for you... getting things like this out in the open helps you work through them.
now... you said you often do group things with guys AND girls to football games... so you obviously have a group of friends that includes guys and girls... have you tried doing guys nights and girls nights on the same night? that way, he isn't just sitting at home wondering what you are doing with the girls, because he is out having fun with his guys,
this is what we do every couple months in our group, and its great! its fun afterwards to talk about what you did with the girls and what he did with the guys.
the bottom line is, that having nights out with your friends is healthy and recommended for relationships, and, to be blunt, he needs to get over it. maybe he had a bad experience with one of his exs having girls nights?? maybe she went a little too far or something? i think it would be a good idea to try and get him to talk more about it, and maybe even see a counselor or bring it up in your precana. its his issue with insecurity, and you guys have to find a way to work on that...
good luck!

You have all given me great advice and I thank you for it!!

I think it will help if I can sit down and have more of a heat to heart with him........just let him talk and listen to everything he has to say. Maybe there is more to this that I'm not aware of? I don't know. But listening is the best thing......so that's what I will do :)

I am also glad that I'm not igoring this issue. I felt that it was something that needed to be raised. I'm glad I did.

Again, thank you all very much! I knew I would get great advice here!!!!

This is a big thing to come up late in your relationship. In the beginning of our relationship FH was kind of like this. It drove me nuts. He thought that when people went out for happy hour they went for the sole purpose of picking people up.

He still isn't thrilled when I go out for drinks with friends, but as long as I don't cancel plans with him to do so he doesn't give me a hard time.

One of the things that helps your relationship is developing your own self and being strong enough as a couple to go through that w/out being attached at the hip. If you do everything together, what will you talk about? FH insists on shopping with me sometimes, but he knows that I take forever and he dreads the words, 'I think I'll go try this on.' It is sweet that your FH wants to be with you all the time, but you definitely need your breathing room.

Explain that although he is the most important thing in your life, your friends can relate to you in a way he can't and you need that. I amsure you have some friends that you have known for twice as long as you've known FH. You love them! You have to spend time with your friends. Especially now that you can do these things. I am glad to hear that you are recovering, it sounds like the past few years were pretty rough.

PS- Make sure FH knows your friends well. Include him sometimes so he can see what it is that you girls do!!