personal story and need strangers help hehe

so my FH and i just planned our engagement party, put a non-refundable deposit down on a tent ($700) and ordered invitations (which shipped already). the party was supposed to be at my parents house on the beach. i dont get along with them, but i thought we would be a cool idea for a party. My mother was excited to have it there and kept talking about it. she even made me change the date of the party because she knew family was going to be on vacation.
well anyway- back story, i dont want my father to walk me down the aisle- im 27 and he has never been there for me, has never been a father figure to me, so i feel like he doesnt deserve to walk me down. My mother is delusional and thinks we are the brady bunch when we are so far from it. My brother, sister and i are very close because we are all each other has. My sister was forced to have him walk her down and she hated every minute. and she also cried her whole father daughter dance because she didnt want to dance with him.
so after i booked the tent and ordered the invitations i called my mother to tell her that we booked everything so we are definitely having it there. she decides then to ask me if i will have him walk me down the aisle (which she already knew my answer), and then threatened me that if i dont have him or both of them walk me down then #1 she wont give us a wedding gift, and #2 cancel my tent order and i cant have the party at her house.
now i dont know what to do. i dont think i could get my money back on the tent. my FH wants me to try and i would but im so embarrassed because i haggled with the guy and got an awesome price, took like 3 days of talking with him over the phone to book it and now i have to call and cancel??? Everyone already knows when and where it was going to be. like everyone we know.

ugh this is so fustrating!!! sorry to vent on here but i figured everyone that knows is telling me that she is mean and cant believe she would do that. to do what i want, its my wedding day, etc. but i dont know if people are appeasing me or not. im just so upset with this whole situation.

Any thoughts??

Re: personal story and need strangers help hehe

Do you think it's an empty threat or she will follow through?


Who is walking you down the aisle? Could you make up some excuse about why you have to have that person do it maybe?

Re: personal story and need strangers help hehe

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Posted by JAAMS

Do you think it's an empty threat or she will follow through?


Who is walking you down the aisle? Could you make up some excuse about why you have to have that person do it maybe?

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im not really sure, and my sister and brother arent either. shes done things like this our whole life so we werent surprised but more dumbfounded that she picked after i booked the tent and ordered invitations to bring it up.

i want my brother to. he has been there and knows me more then my father. i woudlnt mind my brother and my mother but i CAN NOT have him walk me down. We will be paying alot of money for photo and video to have me come out miserable during that time.

Re: personal story and need strangers help hehe

You know i have a similar issue - my FH said to avoid all problems - when the church doors open FH will be standing there and walk you down the aisle. My FH wanted to do that but ill take the heat from my mom for having someone else walk me down....anyway..... tell your mom that you are sorry but your fiance wants to be the one to walk you down the aisle and you cant say no to him & you hope she understands!

Re: personal story and need strangers help hehe

This might sound dishonest, but maybe just appease her for now and after the party tell her you've thought about it and changed your mind. Its not about the gift, just the fact that you've already spent money and sent the invitations. If they choose to not be apart of the day later, thats their choice but at least you'll know well enough in advance!

Re: personal story and need strangers help hehe

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Posted by NYMETBRIDE

This might sound dishonest, but maybe just appease her for now and after the party tell her you've thought about it and changed your mind. Its not about the gift, just the fact that you've already spent money and sent the invitations. If they choose to not be apart of the day later, thats their choice but at least you'll know well enough in advance!

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I like this idea... because honestly, the situation isn't fair to you, so why be fair to them?

OR
would it be possible to reschedule this event elsewhere? Maybe someone in the bridal party has a large yard or something?

Re: personal story and need strangers help hehe

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Posted by NYMETBRIDE

This might sound dishonest, but maybe just appease her for now and after the party tell her you've thought about it and changed your mind. Its not about the gift, just the fact that you've already spent money and sent the invitations. If they choose to not be apart of the day later, thats their choice but at least you'll know well enough in advance!

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i kinda agree with this...you have soooo much time from your wedding for you to come up with reason to not walk with him. You could totally down the road explain how you are a self-sufficent woman and dont agree with the whole 'giving away' so you are walking down the aisle alone...and that you will think about it but lets let the party go on for now and we can discuss this later blah blah and who know what will happen a year from now when the decision really has to be made

Re: personal story and need strangers help hehe

I agree with the above posters...say yes for now and 'change' your mind later on. SHe isn't being fair to you having already spent so much money and time and all....and she is kind of blackmailing you (sorry to say that JMHO) to get you to agree so I would play the game....
I have a tough mother to get along with too so I understand how hard it is...

Re: personal story and need strangers help hehe

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Posted by FutureMrs.M

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Posted by NYMETBRIDE

This might sound dishonest, but maybe just appease her for now and after the party tell her you've thought about it and changed your mind. Its not about the gift, just the fact that you've already spent money and sent the invitations. If they choose to not be apart of the day later, thats their choice but at least you'll know well enough in advance!

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i kinda agree with this...you have soooo much time from your wedding for you to come up with reason to not walk with him. You could totally down the road explain how you are a self-sufficent woman and dont agree with the whole 'giving away' so you are walking down the aisle alone...and that you will think about it but lets let the party go on for now and we can discuss this later blah blah and who know what will happen a year from now when the decision really has to be made

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I'm on board with this idea. I don't take threats well. I basically call their bluff. First of all, it is emotional blackmail. She wanted you to be at her mercy for this request (I think she knew what she was doing). Secondly.... you have plenty of time to come up with another reason or you simply changed your mind at a later date about your dad's participation. If she doesn't want to come...that is something she will have to live with for the rest of her life (and it is probably an empty threat) Lastly, you shouldn't do something on YOUR day to appease someone else. I'm sorry if this offends anyone.

Re: personal story and need strangers help hehe

I agree! I'm usually the one for honesty being the path of least resistance but she manipulated the situation and put you in a difficult spot. From what you shared, something will most likely happen that will give you an 'out' of walking down the aisle with him and/or dancing a father-daughter dance. So many things can and will happen between now and then. Just go along with her and enjoy your wonderful beach party.

Re: personal story and need strangers help hehe

i would tell her that you will, have the party! then a bride can always change her mind. it's not up to her, you can have an honest conversation with them later, but don't let this cancel your engagement party.

Re: personal story and need strangers help hehe

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I think if I were in your situation I would probably tell a little white lie to my mom and 'change' my mind after the party! Good Luck to you. It will all work out to be great don't worry.

Re: personal story and need strangers help hehe

Well, I think being dishonest should be the last resort.

Try seeing if you can have the party somewhere else first. Especially sowewhere you need a tent for.

If not, try to get your deposit for the tent back.

If that fails, think about whether $700 really means alot to you in the grand scheme of things and if it is a price you are willing to pay to stand up to your mom and dad and have your wedding your way.

I don't respond well to threats and emotional blackmail. I would tell my parents what they can do with themselves and their wedding gift.

If your mom is so in love with the family's appearance as The Brady Bunch, tell her that if you have to cancel the engagement party, or change it, you will simply tell everyone the exact reason why.

And if you really feel like just keeping the peace and having the engagement party at the beach, then do what everyone else said and lie. But I fear it may come back to haunt you next year!

Re: personal story and need strangers help hehe

Thanks to everyone for your advice and thoughts...
ive been thinking where i can have a tent party but coming up with nothing.
and my mother is such a ballsy person and attention w____e (fill in the blank) that she would probably make a scene at my wedding.
but i think i may have scared her because i told her that if she is going to keep blackmailing/threatening me then she isnt invited anymore and that she wont be a part of any planning! haha hopefully she will respect my wishes if she wants to come! And i actually told her that people will hear lots of stories and reasons why we cancel it!
Keep your fingers crossed that i get my way please!!!

Thanks guys!

Re: personal story and need strangers help hehe

Does the tent rental place rent other party supplies? If so, maybe you could move the party to another location and apply the rental to other items -- tables, chairs, glasses, etc.

Good luck. I hope everything works out.

Re: personal story and need strangers help hehe

I don't know if this will be too much advice.....but reading what your sister went through and how set you are on this decision...I would cancel the engagement party. It's one thing to get favors that someone else wants. Having meaningful moments with people that don't mean anything is another thing. I chose my brother to be my man on honor instead of my sister. She might have been disappointed but the people you choose to have right next to you are supposed to be the closest to you...period. Don't fake it if it's not real, and don't let anyone threaten you...even your mom.

Of course if you can't afford the loss then it's a slightly different story.

Re: personal story and need strangers help hehe

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Posted by stargazerlily

I don't know if this will be too much advice.....but reading what your sister went through and how set you are on this decision...I would cancel the engagement party. It's one thing to get favors that someone else wants. Having meaningful moments with people that don't mean anything is another thing. I chose my brother to be my man on honor instead of my sister. She might have been disappointed but the people you choose to have right next to you are supposed to be the closest to you...period. Don't fake it if it's not real, and don't let anyone threaten you...even your mom.

Of course if you can't afford the loss then it's a slightly different story.

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thanks, i know its such a tough decision!!!!

on a lighter note, you are getting married on my birthday!

Re: personal story and need strangers help hehe

aww Lis... it will all work out in the end. If you have to change the location then so be it. but either way, whatever you do.... you need to be happy. this is suppsed to be the happiest time in your life and no matter who it is, they should not be ruining it for you. I'm sorry you are going through this doll.....

Re: personal story and need strangers help hehe

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Posted by Diana99

aww Lis... it will all work out in the end. If you have to change the location then so be it. but either way, whatever you do.... you need to be happy. this is suppsed to be the happiest time in your life and no matter who it is, they should not be ruining it for you. I'm sorry you are going through this doll.....

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I know D!!!! it *****!!!!!!!! ugh. this is my life though.

Re: personal story and need strangers help hehe

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Posted by NYMETBRIDE

This might sound dishonest, but maybe just appease her for now and after the party tell her you've thought about it and changed your mind. Its not about the gift, just the fact that you've already spent money and sent the invitations. If they choose to not be apart of the day later, thats their choice but at least you'll know well enough in advance!

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I was thinking the same thing...You will have enough time to put yoru foot down after the party..