i have a huge problem. yesterday, i was speaking to FH and he started saying that we should move into my parents empty apartment that they have not rented yet.
i replied, 'ok, but lets see if we have to pay anything' (i do not expect to live there for free automatically, i have respect)
he replies 'we should live there for free'
im like 'well thats not our decision'
him 'and after we move out 2-3 years , we will collect rent money from that apartment so we can apply it to our mortage, etc.'
me: um thats not our decision how dare you think you can take that money without asking my parents first.
him: well my parents are giving us 'x' money, and your parents should give the same.
me: so because your parents are giving us a gift, mine should match it?
so we got into a big fight because he basically believes that we should collect rent from something that is not even ours. he believes (and has calculated in his mind) how much money my father has as income from properties he owns - i have never done that myself, how dare he do that?)
FH then proceeded to say that my father buys cheap things and he just wants to TAKE ALL IS MONEY TO HIS GRAVE!
how DARE FH say such a thing about my father? i am SO DISGUSTED, i feel like i dont even know him anymore. how can i marry someone who is APPARENTLY looking out for his own bet interest????
i told FH, if we cant save enough money to buy a house, then thats our problem. hes like even if we do, we need money to 'enjoy our lives' .
WHAT NERVE IS THAT? ???? I am SO appauled. In fact, I had the worst migraine of my life, and threw up several times last night. i need your opinions please. i dont even think i should marry him anymore. who speaks like that? even if you think those thigns, who says that?????? i told him hes signing a prenup, and he was sarcastic with me. OH THE BEST PART IS he told me not to dare tell our parents what he said bc it will cause tension AND if i do i will be alone for the rest of my life, and not to come knocking on his door.
mybabylovesmoi
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Re: please help me ladies - long but insane situation
WOW!!!!! I'm sorry, I would be LIVID if FH said something like that to me - I don't know if he'd survive my wrath!!!!!
A. That is incredibly presumptuous of him to think he is entitled to ANYTHING that if your parents. I assume he would want you to coax them into this arrangement since he doesn't want to be the one to cause tension.
B. Sorry, no man should threaten his woman like that. That screams abuse to me. He is basically hurting your self esteem by proclaiming that you will be alone for the rest of your life. HOW DARE HE???? Please don't believe him, you sound like you have wonderful morals and respect, as you said, and that threat is preposterous.
C. I am so mad for you I have to think some more
MissingLI
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Re: please help me ladies - long but insane situation
Posted by pleasehelp1
no respect at all.
This says it all. There is no respect being shown here. He can say all he wants that you will be alone. So what? Big deal! Those are empty words trying to scare you into thinking that you can't do better. Sweets, more than likely you can. Much better.
Oh and, get the pre-nup. Do not waver on that. Good luck, I'm sorry you are going through this.
Danielle41209
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Re: please help me ladies - long but insane situation
Posted by mybabylovesmoi
WOW!!!!! I'm sorry, I would be LIVID if FH said something like that to me - I don't know if he'd survive my wrath!!!!!
B. Sorry, no man should threaten his woman like that. That screams abuse to me. He is basically hurting your self esteem by proclaiming that you will be alone for the rest of your life. HOW DARE HE???? Please don't believe him, you sound like you have wonderful morals and respect, as you said, and that threat is preposterous.
ITA!!!! This is definitely an insane situation that you shouldn't have to go through. And to have someone who's supposed to love you put your self-esteem down like that is ridiculous. I agree with everyone else...take some time before you get married and definitely get a pre-nup...
jettahot
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Re: please help me ladies - long but insane situation
Posted by pleasehelp1
Yes. Apparently a 25k wedding +++ is not enough.
omg are u kidding?? that makes this bad situation even worse. i am so sorry for you.. You really need to sit down w/ur FH and really show him how you are feeling..... He should just be worrying about you and him, not your fathers life and finances
jgold910
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Re: please help me ladies - long but insane situation
Posted by pleasehelp1
p.s. my moms paying for the wedding for us.
Whoa......I thought you guys were paying and his parents were contributing.....That's completely out of line then.... My parents are paying for our wedding and have budgeted assuming that FH's family couldn't. Instead of his family giving you a 'gift' - couldn't you consider it as a contribution to help your parents - in which case it shouldn't be tit for tat. Doesn't he understand that weddings are 10s of thousands of dollars? I nor my FH would even expect my parents to give us an extra gift as they have done sooooo much for us already! Why would he expect your parents to give on top of that. My FH even went as far to offer to sign a pre-nup knowing that my family sorta has money - but also everything we have is in my name since the money has come from myself and my family's hard work. Bottom Line it looks like he's looking for a fight and maybe you should give him one to show him that you're not messing around - nor can he get away with talking to like that! Good Luck!!!!!!
JessNicole7EM
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Re: please help me ladies - long but insane situation
dump him.
pleasehelp1
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Re: please help me ladies - long but insane situation
(Hanks. My moms paying for the whole wedding, shower and gifts. Also we wanted to buy hima 6K watch for the e party.
His parents offered 'x' amount for a down payment on a home _ they said they will give us whatever they gave his sibling. So now he expexts to live rent free and collect money.
Anyway I'm waiting to speak to him bc he's zzz from work.
I just feel like I wasted my life that's all. Who has nerve to threten me n to say my dad wants to take his money to the grave? I mean I'm so appauled I am trying not to make myself sick
Mommy2BeBride
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Re: please help me ladies - long but insane situation
Posted by JessNicole7EM
dump him.
ita!
pleasehelp1
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Re: please help me ladies - long but insane situation
Ita = I too agree?
Mommy2BeBride
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Re: please help me ladies - long but insane situation
I totally agree!
jgold910
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Re: please help me ladies - long but insane situation
Posted by pleasehelp1
(Hanks. My moms paying for the whole wedding, shower and gifts. Also we wanted to buy hima 6K watch for the e party.
His parents offered 'x' amount for a down payment on a home _ they said they will give us whatever they gave his sibling. So now he expexts to live rent free and collect money.
Anyway I'm waiting to speak to him bc he's zzz from work.
I just feel like I wasted my life that's all. Who has nerve to threten me n to say my dad wants to take his money to the grave? I mean I'm so appauled I am trying not to make myself sick
Although you feel like you wasted your life (which you haven't) you shouldn't settle - I have a friend who married her husband b/c she was already 36 and didn't want to start looking again....She's miserable - hates the whole situation and feels stuck!
HSsweethearts
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Re: please help me ladies - long but insane situation
There are honestly so many red flags going up for me on this situation. I am saying this not trying to judge but as a person who has been through a lot of rough patches with FH over the years.
I was reading the story, and I was kind of ok with him expecting to live htere for free. I was thinking, wow that's a sense of entitlement, but I can kind of live with that. Maybe he's young, maybe he does't 'get it' yet. When he started thinking you'd collect rental income on a property that's when I started to think that's really kind of crazy. I can't even imagine who would think that.
I've seen this happen in other marriages when one spouse kind of counts the money they think the other one' or thier family has, and esp if they arrange their life around it (like your FH not putting effort into his job, not getting your own place, planning to take that money, etc), I think it's really a big problem. I'm sorry to say I'd really question his motives. Him threatening you and teling you not to tell anyone is really where it starts getting into abusive behavior. him telling you you'll be alone forever, that's really controlling. Think hard. has he hver exhibited this kind of behavior before? I'd be VERY concerned. I'm very sorry you're going through this. You should definitely not let this go.
RandEWedding2011
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Re: please help me ladies - long but insane situation
Wow this is a really bad situation! This guy has got some set of b****! Pardon my french ladies but for him to even think he can place demands on your family and you like that he is out of his fruit loopin tree! I had an ex like him, controlling, demeaning, and not only disrespectful to me but to my family as well and believe me it doesn't end well when he gets in between you and them. I work in a bank and nothing makes peoples true colors shine like money! I would pack up and run honey, he is no good and you deserve better! You'll find the right one! Like they say sometimes you gotta kiss a few toads before you get the prince! Good Luck and keep us posted!
pleasehelp1
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Re: please help me ladies - long but insane situation
Thanks again to all................
He used to scream that my skirts were too short n call me a prostitute, he also has told me ill be alone forever. - the thing is that i let it go because everyone deserves a second chance and i gave him a warning.
The sad thing is I felt complete this past month until this happened. I feel like I know 2 diff people... He also told me not to engage with the SIL much. Also that I can't have a fb wen we get married. Also that I have too much clutter n need to throw things out or its not going into our home.
legalchef
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Re: please help me ladies - long but insane situation
Ok. So. I don't necessarily want to tell you what to do, but this does raise some red flags for me. I've been working with victims of domestic violence for a lot of years, and this type of behavior seems very typical of what they have described. Especially yelling about your skirt being too short and saying that if you left him you would be alone forever.
I'm not saying he is going to haul off and hit you - but domestic violence isn't just physical - it can just be when someone is extremely controlling and verbally abusive.
Whatever you decide to do, I am sorry that you are going through this.
JuneBride14
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Re: please help me ladies - long but insane situation
Posted by pleasehelp1
He used to scream that my skirts were too short n call me a prostitute, he also has told me ill be alone forever. - the thing is that i let it go because everyone deserves a second chance and i gave him a warning.
He also told me not to engage with the SIL much. Also that I can't have a fb wen we get married. Also that I have too much clutter n need to throw things out or its not going into our home.
This are some problem statements... him calling you names is verbal abuse and it should NOT be tolerated!! Him telling you that you are not allowed to have a fb once you are married and telling you that you need to get rid of your things are very controlling.....these are some serious warning flags
don't ever feel stuck in a relationship and don't confuse who someone USED to be with who they are Now or who they might become
IrishAli
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Re: please help me ladies - long but insane situation
Yikes. We have definitely had some financial disagreements in our relationship, but that is excessive.
Seriously- think about a prenup? I wonder what he has planned for your financial future? That aspect of life would scare the bejesus out of me- and I am marrying an impulse spender.
IrishAli
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Re: please help me ladies - long but insane situation
Posted by pleasehelp1
Thanks again to all................
He used to scream that my skirts were too short n call me a prostitute, he also has told me ill be alone forever. - the thing is that i let it go because everyone deserves a second chance and i gave him a warning.
The sad thing is I felt complete this past month until this happened. I feel like I know 2 diff people... He also told me not to engage with the SIL much. Also that I can't have a fb wen we get married. Also that I have too much clutter n need to throw things out or its not going into our home.
This is not normal behavior. I don't know that I would be ok with marrying this person. Does he ever examine his actions and understand that they were wrong?
Im getting Married
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Re: please help me ladies - long but insane situation
I am so pissed for you and I don't even know you. In my honest opinion and I might get hate mail for it but Kick him and in Ballz and tell him to go F himself. I could never imagine spending my life with a man who puts me down and tells me I will be by myself without him...truly you are better off without him
I want to punch your FH in the face I don't even know either of you.
GL in whatever you decide to do
AngnShaun
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Re: please help me ladies - long but insane situation
i agree with a lot of what the girls here have already said... and i feel awful for you... but i think you know what you should do already...
I just want to say...this person is not good for you!!!
