i have a huge problem. yesterday, i was speaking to FH and he started saying that we should move into my parents empty apartment that they have not rented yet.
i replied, 'ok, but lets see if we have to pay anything' (i do not expect to live there for free automatically, i have respect)
he replies 'we should live there for free'
im like 'well thats not our decision'
him 'and after we move out 2-3 years , we will collect rent money from that apartment so we can apply it to our mortage, etc.'
me: um thats not our decision how dare you think you can take that money without asking my parents first.
him: well my parents are giving us 'x' money, and your parents should give the same.
me: so because your parents are giving us a gift, mine should match it?
so we got into a big fight because he basically believes that we should collect rent from something that is not even ours. he believes (and has calculated in his mind) how much money my father has as income from properties he owns - i have never done that myself, how dare he do that?)
FH then proceeded to say that my father buys cheap things and he just wants to TAKE ALL IS MONEY TO HIS GRAVE!
how DARE FH say such a thing about my father? i am SO DISGUSTED, i feel like i dont even know him anymore. how can i marry someone who is APPARENTLY looking out for his own bet interest????
i told FH, if we cant save enough money to buy a house, then thats our problem. hes like even if we do, we need money to 'enjoy our lives' .
WHAT NERVE IS THAT? ???? I am SO appauled. In fact, I had the worst migraine of my life, and threw up several times last night. i need your opinions please. i dont even think i should marry him anymore. who speaks like that? even if you think those thigns, who says that?????? i told him hes signing a prenup, and he was sarcastic with me. OH THE BEST PART IS he told me not to dare tell our parents what he said bc it will cause tension AND if i do i will be alone for the rest of my life, and not to come knocking on his door.
pleasehelp1
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Re: please help me ladies - long but insane situation
This is not normal behavior. I don't know that I would be ok with marrying this person. Does he ever examine his actions and understand that they were wrong? ----------- yea he called me that about 2 years ago on halloween. this halloween for some odd reason, i didnt get any negative behavior (it was the same length of skirt)
idk if its just that now he has a motive of $$$ since he got me a ring and thats all he cares about.
Im def. giving him a prenup if i decide I want to be with him. but right now i am so depressed and as for you wanting to beat him up, dont apologize.
Danielle41209
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Re: please help me ladies - long but insane situation
Posted by pleasehelp1
Thanks again to all................
He used to scream that my skirts were too short n call me a prostitute, he also has told me ill be alone forever. - the thing is that i let it go because everyone deserves a second chance and i gave him a warning.
The sad thing is I felt complete this past month until this happened. I feel like I know 2 diff people... He also told me not to engage with the SIL much. Also that I can't have a fb wen we get married. Also that I have too much clutter n need to throw things out or its not going into our home.
After reading more, GET OUT!!! I know it's easier said than done, but there is no reason for you to have to live your life like that. To be honest, you could get hurt more if you marry him than what's happening right now. You gave him a second chance, but is it worth it to give him a 3rd? Especially when there are other MEN out there who will shower you with the affection and love that you deserve? Please think long and hard about what you do before doing anything. Domestic violence is serious and no one should have to go though that...ever!
IrishAli
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Re: please help me ladies - long but insane situation
I think I agree with Danielle. I watched my sister stay in an abusive relationship for years. She felt that she couldn't leave, and the sh*t finally hit the fan and she was out of there.
They had been together a long time and were living together, but the cut had to be made.
This is not a man that I could trust around our children, in all honesty
MNM0805
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Re: please help me ladies - long but insane situation
Posted by Danielle41209
After reading more, GET OUT!!! I know it's easier said than done, but there is no reason for you to have to live your life like that. To be honest, you could get hurt more if you marry him than what's happening right now. You gave him a second chance, but is it worth it to give him a 3rd? Especially when there are other MEN out there who will shower you with the affection and love that you deserve? Please think long and hard about what you do before doing anything. Domestic violence is serious and no one should have to go though that...ever!
ITA! Get out while you still can! This is a bad relationship that is only going to hurt you more in the end!
nic2011
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Re: please help me ladies - long but insane situation
um....is this serious?????
if so, it's ridiculous to stay in the relationship.
not too sure if this is all made up or not though - it's a bit much to post on a public message board that you've never posted on before.
fdnybride163
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Re: please help me ladies - long but insane situation
Posted by nic2011
um....is this serious?????
if so, it's ridiculous to stay in the relationship.
not too sure if this is all made up or not though - it's a bit much to post on a public message board that you've never posted on before.
she probably just made a fake name and has a real account so we can give honest opinions and not judge her.. a lot of people do that when they want opinions of friends but want to remain annonymous.....
pleasehelp1
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Re: please help me ladies - long but insane situation
Posted by nic2011
um....is this serious?????
if so, it's ridiculous to stay in the relationship.
not too sure if this is all made up or not though - it's a bit much to post on a public message board that you've never posted on before.
yea it is real. i had to make a new account incase any lurkers from the family would read. these boards dont provide much privacy, who else would help me besides you girls? were all planning to get married in 2011 (well me not so much anymore)
do you really think i have nothing to do but play on forum boards if it was fake?
anyway thanks to all of your opinions.
Sweetie51804
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Re: please help me ladies - long but insane situation
MrsDtoB
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Re: please help me ladies - long but insane situation
First of all....I am sooo sorry you are dealing with this, believe me I KNOW what you are going through right now.
This story sounds like me and my ex-fiance to a T. Are you sure it isn't him??
But all kidding aside, we fought constantly about everything, he decided that while he was going to school that he didn't need to work anymore or contribute to our income in any way because I WAS. He told me he was 'too stressed to work.' He also rationalized it in his head as ok because he assumed that even though I am an only child and my parents are very very good to me that they would always be footing the bill. My parents are very good to me, but I would never expect them to support me for the rest of my life, or ask them to. I have a career and work extremely hard for my money. My mother and father do not pay my way. He thought they would.
He decided it would be ok to mooch off me and my family, and on top of it he became nasty. Constantly. He also told me that If I broke up with him 'I would never find someone as good as him.' HA!!!!
What a freakin loser, I'm telling you, I was with him for 6 years, and I told him to get the hell out of my house on Christmas eve of 2008. I never looked back, I had a lot of sleepless nights I tell ya...but It was the best decision I EVER EVER made.
Fast foward almost 2 years later, I have a 9 month old son with the most amazing man ever, and I can't wait to marry him. He would never ever ever treat me or my family that way. He LOVES us.
Sometimes I wish I could call that bastid up and tell him, so I wouldn't ever find anyone or meet anyone as good as YOU??? HAHAHAHA. But, I'm better than that and will never look back.
You have to do what is right for you, but I'm telling trust your gut. always.
FROMJLATOJLK
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Re: please help me ladies - long but insane situation
This is a terrible situation. He obviously is incredibly selfish and expects to be doted on regardless of whatever your feelings may be.
Honestly, everyone keeps saying to sign the pre-nup, but to me, I don't think I would even let it get that far. Especially if your parents are paying for the wedding...think about all of the money they would be losing just for you to get to the altar and for him to have another episode and you guys call it quits.
I'm not saying that just because you have a fight you should opt out but what he's saying to you are loaded statements that imply he's planning on leaving you anyway somewhere down the line.
I know you are supposed to stick through things in good times and in bad, but he is supposed to love you unconditionally for richer or for poorer. I really hope you do a little soul searching over the next couple of days and come to some kind of conclusion you can truly be at peace with. Good luck sweetie
alicia6650
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Re: please help me ladies - long but insane situation
whoa....
i think that financial issues are the least of your problems. He seems to come with an odd sense of entitlement, mixed with an apparent disrespect for both you and your family.
1- to demand anything from other people who don't owe it to you, and think it makes perfect sense...is really tricky
2- to fight dirty enough to attempt to make you thikn that he is the only person who will ever love you or want to be with you, seems like the seeds of abuse if you ask me.
3- to think that paying for the WHOLE wedding is not enough is BALLSY
4- to work out the finances of your family is really concerning and creepy.
honestly- You have A LOT to think about. These actions and feelings and the balls to say these things, which means he thinks it make perfect sense has seriously concerning implications about what a future would be like.
Moonmist09
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Re: please help me ladies - long but insane situation
i'm sorry, but dump him. there are so many red flags here its insane. don't walk, or job, but run away as fast as you can! its easier now than havingnto go througha divorce. i was with my ex for 8 years and 11 days before the wedding he canceled the hole thing. i too felt that i had wasted my life. trust me. it gets better. ifianally met my one and now FH are gtting married in 7 months. move on and start fresh now.
celticbride
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Re: please help me ladies - long but insane situation
Honestly, Forget the prenup and the relationship. This is not normal. Who the hell does he think he is. Your parents are already being overly generous in paying for the wedding. A gift is a gift and that is it. It does not matter what his parents or your parents are giving. If you get only a card it is obviously all they can do right now but should still be thought of the same way $50K is.
Also threatening you. I agree with the previous poster that you should have told him not to let the door hit him on the way out. And listening to all this other ****. How the hell are you even posting this question??
RUN.
ETA You think you have wasted your time, imagine the waste of a life you will have when you marry him and have his kids and then go through divorce and him taking as much as he can get from you.
smilesjc81
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Re: please help me ladies - long but insane situation
i would think LONG and hard before getting married. money is the NUMBER ONE reason people get divorced and if this is such a major issue now...it will only get worse later.
for him to threaten you by saying 'you will be alone all your life' is wrong. He is trying to control and manipulate you by using fear. He should be HONORED you accepted his proposal, not acting like he did you a favor.
If you have to go into the marriage already thinking that a prenuptial is necessary cause of his warped mind... then you shouldn't proceed into the marriage.
Trust your gut, a wedding is one day, a marriage is a lifetime.... hold off and really think about what you want in a partner.
His lack of respect towards you and your parents is a BIG BIG warning sign.
proceed with caution
GOOD LUCK HONEY!!
pleasehelp1
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Re: please help me ladies - long but insane situation
thanks girls... i havent spoken to him yet (of course only when its convenient for him hes working the overnight shift)
:*(
Soon2BMrsJoeBear
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Re: please help me ladies - long but insane situation
Posted by BlushandBashful
Posted by pleasehelp1 AND if i do i will be alone for the rest of my life, and not to come knocking on his door.
Wow. How dare he speak to you like that? I would have told him no problem and to not let the door slam him on the *** on the way out.
ITA - that's mental abuse right there. No woman should be spoken to like that - I don't care how heated the argument is ...
justnicethings
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Re: please help me ladies - long but insane situation
I'm so sorry to see you deal with this. I've dealt with jerks in my past, but when you finally find someone who respects you and trusts you, your eyes really are opened. You deserve so much more. Don't give him anymore chances. You are better off without him. There is definitely a man out there who will adore you in your short skirts and not think twice about who is paying for what. That's a promise. Do what's right for your life.
pleasehelp1
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Re: please help me ladies - long but insane situation
Hi all.
Thanks again for all the comments
- update
tonight i went to FH's house bc he finally woke up (from working overnight shift) i spoke to him privately and told him how i felt. he was sorry and very embarassed. he said what he said was not supposed to come out the way he did and that he did not threaten me. well i told him that he SAID THOSE THINGS and im not COMFORTABLE WITH HIM. then i told him, he either tells his parents, or my parents, OR I WILL TELL THEM. so he said fine tell my mom. so i proceeded upstairs to tell his mom who was excited bc she was looking at wedding stuff online. i told her everything and she was very surprised n agreed with me. She told him that he cannot speak like that and wat the hell is wrong with him.(he has a background of speaking and not thing to everyone) Again, he was embarassed and said sorry. I personally know, that he probably was so ticked off bc I pushed him on the edge which is why he threatened me. is that ok? def, not. but he does scream and not think since ive known him.
in terms of abuse - i personally dont believe he will hit me when we get married. he has too much of a good heart to do that. what he does not have is a cautious mouth.
now, i told both of them i dont know what im going to do and that i dont trust him. his moms very stressed out, and he tried to be nice and asked for us to go get something to eat, etc. but i left the house.
the weird thing is that i know he is not malicious. the other thing is that i know there is no reason to be spoken to like that and then hes going to act like it wasnt how it was said.
tomorrow im going to speak to a counselor about this. im still disgusted. i have not made up my mind about what i will do. i am aware of the warning signs tho. i will keep you updated. i hope no one thinks im incredibly stupid. in terms of my fathers income he said he was saying they could help us out and i made it clear that its MY FATHERS AND THEN HIS CHILDRENS AND NOT YOURS. he said fine. i doube he will ever bring the money up. hes too humiliated to. i also told him im going to tell the other parents.
well see. sorry for the long update. and ty again for the ongoing support.
allornil
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Re: please help me ladies - long but insane situation
Im glad you spoke to him about it and im def glad you told his mom. Sometimes having someone else hear it all whos connected helps.
Maybe you should try couples counseling. It could really help you guys communicate better and maybe he'll learn a few things.
Colcas2011
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Re: please help me ladies - long but insane situation
listen- dont worry about what other people think. only you and he know what your relationship is truely like. you have to think this threw on your own. hearing lots of peoples opinion sometimes can make things more confusing. my fh is the worst with saying things like that. he doesnt do it often... nor is it right... but its him. he holds things inside and ends up exploding. also- we have faught about money alot... and when he gets pissed and says things he doesnt mean in regards to money- its because he wants to be able to provide for everything. its a pressure he puts on himself- and doesnt communicate it well! alot of guys internalize that stress of providing financially. i am not saying any of it was right or wrong... but only YOU know whats what with you and him... talk to him most importantly.
