Please....I don't know what to do....

I am a regular poster....but I'm too embarrased to use my real screenname....I usually don't know why people create fake names....but now I know why

My DH drinks too much....I know there was a recent bride that had a similar issue, but my DH doesn't go out to bars or anything....he just likes to drink when he gets home from work. He will down a bottle of Jack Daniels with a 40 oz. beer several times a week. We just had a huge fight tonight....we were supposed to take our daughter to a dance tonight....I came home and immeditately I knew he was drinking. He of course said he wasn't....so he lied right to my face. He took her to the dance alone....because I refused to go. When they left....I went out to the garage....I found several bags with empty bottles in them....he's obviouslly taken to hiding them in there because he's sick of hearing me complain. He doesn't see this as a problem....he thinks it's no big deal. When I tell him that he's hurting me....and he's promised to stop doing this....he just tells me that I should divorce him and I'm the one with the problem We have been married less than 1 year....and I'm so scared. I am too embarrased to tell anyone I know about what is going on....I need help....I don't know what to do. He never drinks in front of people....it's always alone....I'm scared to death.....

Re: Please....I don't know what to do....

YOU LET HIM DRIVE YOUR DAUGHTER TO A DANCE???? after he's been drinking? OMG.....

He DOES have a problem....and you need to seek counsel.....start with Al-Anon, they are a support group for the loved ones of alcoholics. Even though he's not drinking every day, a WHOLE bottle of JD AND a 40 OZ beer IS a problem.

Why does he drink? Because he enjoys it, so he says. And the fact that he blatantly LIES about it and then HIDES it from you is also a sign of a drinking problem.

GET help for yourself first, then see if you can get him into marriage therapy. Good Luck and PLEASE protect your daughter. Do not get in that car with him if he has been drinking.

Re: Please....I don't know what to do....

They walked to the dance.....I wouldn't let him drive and it's close by.

He says he drinks because he enjoys it...it's a lifestyle he had before he met me.

OMG...I'm so sick...I think I'm going to throw up.

Re: Please....I don't know what to do....

I agree iht everything btrflygirl said. this will NEVER be your fault! You are not the one with the problem. HE IS, and he seems to ot care if he hurts you or loses you or not. you need to get your own counselling to learn how to deal with the situation. I don't know what the best course of action is here, but there MUST be a course of action. Best of luck and prayers to you

Re: Please....I don't know what to do....

Gonna be difficult to address now since you said it was a lifestyle he had prior to meeting you. I am surprised this wasn't brought up previously... like before you got married.

Good luck with whatever you end up doing.

Re: Please....I don't know what to do....

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Posted by DjPiLL

Gonna be difficult to address now since you said it was a lifestyle he had prior to meeting you. I am surprised this wasn't brought up previously... like before you got married.

Good luck with whatever you end up doing.

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I know....but it was always....when we get married, things will change....when we buy a house....things will change. I feel like a moron....I don't think things will change.

PS. Now's he sleeping on the couch

Re: Please....I don't know what to do....

I have to reiterate what has already been said. This is not your fault! HE is the one with the problem, and he knows it - that's why he has been hiding the bottles. Do whatever you have to do to protect your daughter, and get yourself some support, like al-anon.

Re: Please....I don't know what to do....

I'm sorry you're going through something so difficult so early in your marriage. Like everyone else said, you need to get help- first for yourself and then for your DH. Drinking alone like that is not normal, he has to know that. That's obviously why he's now hiding the bottles. Does he have a good friend you could talk to? Maybe it would sound different coming from a concerned friend instead of a nagging wife. (don't get me wrong, I'm not calling you a nag, but that may be how your DH sees it)

Re: Please....I don't know what to do....

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Posted by nferrandi

I'm sorry you're going through something so difficult so early in your marriage. Like everyone else said, you need to get help- first for yourself and then for your DH. Drinking alone like that is not normal, he has to know that. That's obviously why he's now hiding the bottles. Does he have a good friend you could talk to? Maybe it would sound different coming from a concerned friend instead of a nagging wife. (don't get me wrong, I'm not calling you a nag, but that may be how your DH sees it)

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I think this is great advice and so true!

I am sorry you have to deal with this.

Re: Please....I don't know what to do....

I agree with everyone else that you need to get some help. We were living for a while with a friend of my DH's and he clearly had a drinking problem as well. We found that he drank more when he was alone and more importantly, was feeling lonely. Alcoholics often say it's part of their lifestyle, but it really is very anti-social behavior. I think the biggest problem right now is that he doesn't realize he has a problem. Maybe it's best if you and your daughter had alternative living arrangements for a while if possible? This way he'll realize you're not playing games, that his family and his marriage are in danger of falling apart if he doesn't get help??

I'm sorry you're going through this Good luck

Re: Please....I don't know what to do....

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Posted by DjPiLL

Gonna be difficult to address now since you said it was a lifestyle he had prior to meeting you. I am surprised this wasn't brought up previously... like before you got married.

Good luck with whatever you end up doing.

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i agree, but 'could of, would of should of'. HE has to make a conscious decision to change on his own, NOT becuase others are telling him to. i would attend some alanon meetings and perhaps see a therapist.

in addition, i WOULD NOT let him be around your daughter when he is drunk. i know you think having him walk her to the dance is innocent, but it isn't. she needs to be surrounding by positive and responsible people. she DOES NOT need to grow up in a household where her paents are constantly fighting and her father is a drunk.

have you tried talking to him about his drinking and implications on your daughter?

again, i would seek some help ASAP (alanon or a therapist).




ETA: he KNOWS he is in the wrong (hides the bottles and lies), but is at the stage where he is either not willing to make a change or doesn't know how to change.

Re: Please....I don't know what to do....

First off, I'm so sorry to hear this. Almost everyone who's posted so far has said the key thing: this is not your fault. The sooner you can release yourself from any feelings of guilt (or the 'if he loved me more he would stop drinking' feeling) the sooner you can start working on the problem.

One of my close friends is a recovering alcoholic. I knew him during his worst years. He had a girlfriend throughout those years -- she lived with him and knew the extent of the problem, and she struggled to decide what to do about it. Ultimately, here's what happened: she spoke to him about it calmly, only two or three times in total. She said that SHE was going to quit drinking (she didn't have a problem but did drink socially quite often) and asked if he would like to join her. He refused. Then she started going to Al-Anon meetings. She did quit drinking and stopped going out to bars with him -- which was hard, because she was used to 'enabling' by keeping an eye on his behavior and whatnot. She also spoke to his friends (including me) and politely asked us to stop going out with him, stop answering his drunken, middle-of-the-night phone calls, stop laughing at the stupid jokes he'd tell when drunk, et cetera. Things got worse for a while, because -- without his social group out with him and talking to him on the phone -- he retreated into more drinking alone. But she stayed with him and said that she wanted to help him stop (as opposed to 'force him to stop'). Finally, he realized that he was feeling alone, bored, and sick all the time. And he quit cold turkey. Hasn't had a drink in five years.

Sorry for the long story. I just wanted to show you that you're not alone and to give you an example of how one woman dealt with a similar problem. I know that her approach wouldn't work in every situation, but it worked wonders in this one. Now, my friend says that if it weren't for the girlfriend's (now wife's -- they got married last year!) gentle pressure mixed with patience and understanding, he never would have quit.

My very best wishes to you...

Re: Please....I don't know what to do....

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Posted by nferrandi

I'm sorry you're going through something so difficult so early in your marriage. Like everyone else said, you need to get help- first for yourself and then for your DH. Drinking alone like that is not normal, he has to know that. That's obviously why he's now hiding the bottles. Does he have a good friend you could talk to? Maybe it would sound different coming from a concerned friend instead of a nagging wife. (don't get me wrong, I'm not calling you a nag, but that may be how your DH sees it)

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Unfortunately....DH doesn't have any friends that he hangs out with. He had 1 friend...who disappeared about a year ago....he was nowhere to be found....and DH was really mad at him because he wasn't around for the wedding. He wanted him to be the best man. Well...a few weeks ago, this guy calls out of the blue....he's been in rehab...getting his life together....and hasn't had a drink in a few months. Good for him....well DH just says that he didn't want to talk to this guy anymore because he wasn't there for him for the wedding. I was like....he was trying to put his life together...he didn't know we were getting married. DH doesn't want to keep in touch with him anymore.

Re: Please....I don't know what to do....

I feel for you- the problem is he won't be able to change unless HE wants to.

If I were you, I would maybe talk to someone like a therapist or go to an alanon meeting.

Maybe you can try to sit down and explain your fears to him.

Its so hard to sit back and watch this go on. ETA_ I have this problem with a family member and its very tough.

We are here for you

Re: Please....I don't know what to do....

Im not going to say anything cause to many people have but you need a

Try to get intervention. Say its a night out or something

Re: Please....I don't know what to do....

To me this is an even worse problem since he is drinking alone. I wouldn't have even trusted him walking a child to a dance. Honestly there are only a few things in marriage I will not compromise on, and I will leave if FH does them. Having an alcohol problem and not being willing to get help is one of them. Cheating, drugs, gambling, are the others...If he is not willing to get help to save his family than that means it is not worth it to him. I would leave for a while with your daughter and see if that gives him the wake up call to get help. It's such a difficult situation, and I know from relatives it can be beat with AA and groups, but the person has to WANT to get help!

Re: Please....I don't know what to do....

He goes to a therapist....I have asked if I could come....but he always says no. I was thinking I could write his therapist a letter....but I'm afraid he would get so mad.

Last night....after our huge arguement...I went out to the garage and got all the empty bottles and put them on the counter in the kitchen....for him to see...that I know about them. He got so mad...he told me to stop playing detective and to go and marry a police officer if I want to be a detective. He told me to stay out of the garage...that is was his part of the house. I told him that it wasn't....this is our house and I can go anywhere I want.

As for leaving....we don't have anyone friends or family that live close by and I really can't afford to live at a hotel. I feel stuck and embarrassed.

Re: Please....I don't know what to do....

I just wanted to send you some
Theres really nothing to add since the ladies on here have all offered wonderful advice - but until he realizes he has a problem and wants to face it there really is nothing you can do to help him.
The fact that he hides his drinking shows that he knows what he's doing is wrong - but still, it doesnt make him want to stop.
You need to get yourself to AL-Anon,
this is a very difficult situation and you should not be dealing with this alone. You have a child to think about -

Re: Please....I don't know what to do....

I think he knows he has a problem and I think he is trying to deny it himself. I think that is why he got mad that you brought the JD bottles inside for him to see. He knows he is spirling out of control and that it is affecting your life and your daughter's life. Does he think that your daughter doesn't realize what is going on? Or cares? She may not react like you but she knows and cares and can grow up to resent him. I'm sure he does not want that.

Does his couselor know he has a drinking problem? I think that your DH's getting mad about you wanting to go with him shows that the counselor has no clue. I also think your DH is mad that his friend was able to realize he needed help and got it while your DH hasn't been able to bring himself to that point yet.

I think either an intervention is in order (call his family or your family and get them to come - even if they have to travel - to help him realize it's OK to admit he has a problem and needs help).

I would also check out your phone book for the local Al-Anon listing, and take in a meeting, because you sound very scared and alone and I think that group may be able to help/support you.

Re: Please....I don't know what to do....

He says that he has talked to his counselor about this....but, since he's lied to me about this being a problem....I don't believe that he has talked to the counselor.

As for an intervention....I can't call him family...I'm too embarrassed to tell anyone I know what's going on. His mom likes her wine...and while I've never seen her drunk...she does like the wine. So, he always brings this up...'well....my mom drinks wine and my dad is fine with it'. As for my family....again, the embarrasment I think would kill me....how could I let myself get into this...