Re: Please....I don't know what to do....

Thanks to everyone for their kind words...I know it seems like I'm just coming up with excuses.....I just feel so lost

Re: Please....I don't know what to do....

DOn't be so hard on yourself- its not an esy situation to deal with. Of course you feel lost-

Re: Please....I don't know what to do....

I am so sorry to read that you are living in such a terrible situation.

Your DH doesn't sound ready to get help and unfortunately there's nothing you can really do to make him want help but trying an intervention is a good option.

But you need to protect yourself and your daughter. Seeking councilling at al-anon is a good start. You also need to think about any joint assets you have, especially if your DH drives. Since, he won't admit he has a drinking problem he probably won't admit to driving under the influence but god forbid he hurts him self or someone else you could loose everything.

Re: Please....I don't know what to do....

OK - first of all DO NOT beat yourself up over this - let's face reality - you love him, you married him and now this is the issue. NOTHING can be done until he faces the issue and accepts that he needs help. In the meantime, you NEED to get to Al-Anon - and when he sees that you are going, maybe he will figure out that he really does have a problem - sometimes it just takes a lightbulb to go off for them to realize it. It is not embarrassing, it is an illness, you have nothing to be ashamed of, it's not your fault, you didn't cause it..

I'm sorry you are feeling this way we are all here for you

Re: Please....I don't know what to do....

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Posted by icanttakeit
As for my family....again, the embarrasment I think would kill me....how could I let myself get into this...

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Please don't not ask for help because you're embarrassed! The embarrassment could be worse later on if you don't do anything to help yourself out the situation now.

Alcoholics come in all shapes and sizes, from all walks of life. You should not be ashamed, it's an illness and your hubby needs help. He's not a bad person, or else you wouldn't have married him

Re: Please....I don't know what to do....

Just another suggestion. Why, dont you seek to see a counsler by yourself. Talk it out maybe they might be able to help you a little better. I know you are doing that here but just a suggestion

Re: Please....I don't know what to do....

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Try and remember it is NOT your fault. He isn't drinking because he doesn't love you or your daughter. Alcoholism is an illness- as much of an illness as cancer or diabetes. The difference is that he does have the power to recover if he acknowledges that he has a problem and goes to AA. It's a very hard and tough road.

However, since it is out of your control to cure him, you have think about what is best for you and your daughter unitil he goes for treatment (if he ever does). Speak to a counselor or Al-Anon to figure out how to protect yourself and your daughter- alcoholism can be destructive. Remember though, this has nothing to do with how much he loves you or the quality of your marriage- he has a sickness. My best wishes and prayers to you.

Re: Please....I don't know what to do....

He also has diabetes.....so this doesn't help him

Re: Please....I don't know what to do....

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Posted by icanttakeit

He says that he has talked to his counselor about this....but, since he's lied to me about this being a problem....I don't believe that he has talked to the counselor.

As for an intervention....I can't call him family...I'm too embarrassed to tell anyone I know what's going on. His mom likes her wine...and while I've never seen her drunk...she does like the wine. So, he always brings this up...'well....my mom drinks wine and my dad is fine with it'. As for my family....again, the embarrasment I think would kill me....how could I let myself get into this...

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I understand what you mean but being embarassed but it's not YOUR FAULT that he drinks like this and if anything HE should be embarassed. But if you don't think (and from the way you tell it I tend to agree) that his family may not think he has a problem.

I truly think going to Al-Anon will help you, AND your daughter.

Re: Please....I don't know what to do....

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Posted by icanttakeit

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Posted by DjPiLL

Gonna be difficult to address now since you said it was a lifestyle he had prior to meeting you. I am surprised this wasn't brought up previously... like before you got married.

Good luck with whatever you end up doing.

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I know....but it was always....when we get married, things will change....when we buy a house....things will change. I feel like a moron....I don't think things will change.

PS. Now's he sleeping on the couch

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He has to want to change. that is the only way that this will happen. My father drank like this and he still does the drinking turned into depression and lets just say it changed everything. you just make sure you and your daughter are well taken care of. again i cannot stress enought that the only way he will change is if he wants to. it is part of the disease. good luck

Re: Please....I don't know what to do....

You have absolutley nothing to be embarrassed about!!

Your husband has an illness whether he or his family admits it or not - it's there and it will not go away. They could just be in denial as well or sadly choosing to not deal with this problem. They have essentially passed the buck to you.

Your husband cannot compare his relationship with alcohol and his mothers. Not everyone that drinks becomes an alcoholic.

His health issues only increases the complications of his drinking problem.

This may sound really harsh, but I think it would be more embarrassing to do nothing. I hope you find the strength to do what you need to do for your family.



Please feel free to fm me, I am a good listener and people way too close to me have been in this situation.

Re: Please....I don't know what to do....

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Posted by ChristineC68

This may sound really harsh, but I think it would be more embarrassing to do nothing. I hope you find the strength to do what you need to do for your family.

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I totally agree. This could get much, much worse before it comes to a head. I would definitely at least confide in your family, if not his. Maybe take your daughter and stay with family for a week if you can--let him know you mean business--and go to Alanon yourself. Ask to do counseling WITH him to discuss the pressure this is putting on your relationship. Good luck.

Re: Please....I don't know what to do....

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Posted by icanttakeit

They walked to the dance.....I wouldn't let him drive and it's close by.

He says he drinks because he enjoys it...it's a lifestyle he had before he met me.

OMG...I'm so sick...I think I'm going to throw up.

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As pertaining to your daughter....im not sure of her age, but i can highly assume that she probably knows when dads 'at it again'.....and I am SURE that if he was drinking, she did NOT want him taking her to the dance. You dont want to be seen with a husband who has had too much to drink, how do you think an influential child will feel when her friends see that her dad is acting 'different'. I know you probably sent him to the dance in spite, so that he would have to do it, but you werent really spiting him....you were spiting your daughter.

I know this has to be so hard for you, but the most important thing is to make sure your kids feel secure and safe. This actually might help you in the long run because you have to do the right thing for your kids.

Re: Please....I don't know what to do....

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Posted by icanttakeit

He also has diabetes.....so this doesn't help him

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Ouch! Alcohol is twice as dangerous for him. (My DH is a diabetic but he doesn't drink.) Does he have a doctor you could confide in? He REALLY needs to stop...not just for you and your family and relationship, but also because he is slowly killing himself.

Please FM me if you need to talk. I grew up with an alcoholic father. I know al-anon did wonders for my mother.

Re: Please....I don't know what to do....

sweetie, I am the bride that was going throught the same thing that you are now. # 1, It is not your fault... # 2 He is NOT going to change unless he wants to.

Re: Please....I don't know what to do....

you have fm and

Re: Please....I don't know what to do....

Alcoholics come in all shapes and sizes, from all walks of life. You should not be ashamed, it's an illness and your hubby needs help. He's not a bad person, or else you wouldn't have married him

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i wish I could say the same for my husband..... he turned out to be quite the
D!#@Head!!!

Re: Please....I don't know what to do....

i agree with so much of the advice that has been given. please know that it really isn't your fault or a reflection on you at all - i know it is being said over and over and that it is hard to actually believe 100% at times, but this is his illness and he might not even want to drink but is driven to it. he is beginning to show he knows this subconciously (why else would he be paintstakingly wrapping up the trash?, etc) but is not ready for help yet.

don't be embarassed, alcoholism is an illness and you shouldn't be ashamed at all. it does not at all reflect you or your choices and to some extent, even his.

this is a very hard situation because it does affect not only you and him but your daughter too. i would strongly suggest that if possible you try to seek help. i can see how you feel that you could never tell his family or anything, and this obviously shows how much you care for and love him, yet this problem can be life-altering. it may not be safe for you or your daughter to stay in this situation, and he oculd injure himself or others.

good luck and you alwasy have us to turn to for help. it may not be an easy road ahead for you, your husband and your daughter but you have taken thte first step of realizing there is a problem and beginning to address it. you will be amazed how much strength you have. follow your gut and hang in there!

Re: Please....I don't know what to do....

I wanted to say that if you know how or where to contact his therapist....you have every right to. Call and leave a message about his behavior and your concerns. You are probably right that he doesn't talk about it with the therapist. Why is he in therapy in the first place? Obviously there are other issues if he is in therapy.

You can also make your own appointment to discuss your concerns.....he doesn't have to know and what you say in that office is protected by dr-patient confidentiality.