Random: BP related

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Posted by beachbum05

Hmm, I think I'm in the minority on this one.

I'm thinking about it if the tables were turned (not that I would ever do that....but more of a hypothetical).

I would probably be embarrassed about the situation, and therefore I'd probably hide it too. I'm sure she isn't proud of what she is doing. She's probably friends with a lot of people who are involved in loving relationships - like you - and probably feels uncomfortable talking to you or anyone else about it.

That is HER choice to do it. Sure, you can be disappointed in her as a friend. It's not a wise decision on her part. But at the same time, she probably needs some friends right now to talk to her and tell her that it's the wrong thing to do.

I think I'm more disgusted by the guy she's dating. It was HIS CHOICE to cheat on his wife. I'm not saying she's innocent. But we all know stories like this one. It sounds to me like this girl has a low self-esteem and doesn't realize that she can be in a relationship with a man who can devote himself entirely to her.

I say don't kick her out. Don't condone what she is doing either...but encourage her to get out of the relationship and find someone who isn't married.

It's really sad to me. Hearing the story didn't anger me, but made me really sad.

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I am gonna have to agree.

I don't agree with what the girl is doing at all, cheating is wrong we all know that and i don't have to give a speech about that.

BUT you pick people in your bridal party bc of your friendship with them not what they do behind closed doors. Unfortunately, this is the sad reality of life MANY people cheat whether we know it or not. I have been friends with alot of people who have cheated on their significant other, and I didn't agree with what they were doing but that is their mistake and in the end they will pay for it.

I am sorry but not one person on this board can say they don't know somebody who has cheated. What if your best friend did it? would you stop talking to her, im sure nobody would.

I agree, talk to the girl. Anybody who puts themself in the position of being second best definitely has self-esteem issues. I know of a girl who has been with a guy for YEARS meanwhile hes had a girlfriend all those years, I cant stand the girl for what she does but i was never friends with her to begin with, she just knows people i know and i always ignored her when she was around, but someone you're already friends with is different.

I don't know your relationship with this girl but for you to put her in your bp im guessing you two are close and you care for her so i say just talk to her and help her get enough self-esteem to get out of this and don't have to hide how unhappy you are with what she is doing, you can let her know that you dont accept her behavior at all.

Her having an affair with a guy has nothing to do with the friendship you two share

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Posted by ant n tilde

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Posted by Mizzdimple

I think she should be in your wedding party based on the relationship she has with either you or you and FH.,

I think her private life should stay out of the scope of your decision to put her in your BP.

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i agree BUT then the question becomes - would i be able to remain a friend to someone who was doing this? would i trust this friend around my FH? would i want to discuss my wedding with her when she apparently has no respect for a committed relationship?

i mean, i have made some mistakes in the past and my friends never judged me and they were always there for me and they let me grow past them - but those were momentary errors in judgement NOT a long term thing. . .

this is a tough one - good luck with your decision

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No i think its just that she has no respect for herself. But if you trust your FH then you should have nothing to worry about and just bc a girl is cheating with some other girls bf doesnt mean she'll do it with a close friends bf.

yeah, I agree D.

I don't get the 'I wouldn't trust her with my FH' comment. If you trust your FH, what would happen?

If she's your friend, and is a good enough friend to be put in the bridal party, why would you even THINK she would want to steal the BRIDE'S groom?! I just don't get it.

What she is doing is wrong. I'm just glad that the guy isn't married and isn't cheating on his WIFE. I'm not downplaying the issue, but I think villifying a friend to the point where you're being irrational and thinking that they would steal your own FH is a bit silly.

i wouldnt want her in my BP. I hate that crap and totally dont repsect anyone who behaves that way.

your not bridezilla you are entering into a marriage and i to hjave someone who doesnt repsect that in your wedding, is a no for me!

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Posted by beachbum05

yeah, I agree D.

I don't get the 'I wouldn't trust her with my FH' comment. If you trust your FH, what would happen?

If she's your friend, and is a good enough friend to be put in the bridal party, why would you even THINK she would want to steal the BRIDE'S groom?! I just don't get it.

What she is doing is wrong. I'm just glad that the guy isn't married and isn't cheating on his WIFE. I'm not downplaying the issue, but I think villifying a friend to the point where you're being irrational and thinking that they would steal your own FH is a bit silly.

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yeah if thats the case then you dont trust your fh and in that case you can't trust any girl around him...and if a girl is able to steal your fh away then you are better off

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Posted by Mizzdimple

I think she should be in your wedding party based on the relationship she has with either you or you and FH.,

I think her private life should stay out of the scope of your decision to put her in your BP.

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I agree. Her personal life is just that - personal. If she's important enough to you and your FH to be a part of your day, then unless she has done something to jeapordize the bond you share with her, she should still be a part of your bridal party.

i dont see it as a trust issue i see it as a respect and values issue.

this girl lacks morals and values if she is dating another girls bf.

ETA:

I dont think it matters (basing it on the relationship they already have with her) this woman is in her BP and doesnt respect the fact that this guy has a gf (not that he is any better). I think that would be hypocritical to have someone like that in your BP.

But thats just me, i choose not to be friends with people like that... it gets under my skin and I can't tolerate cheaters and liars like that. The fact that she kept it a secret shows that she knows that she is wrong.

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Posted by jgl

i dont see it as a trust issue i see it as a respect and values issue.

this girl lacks morals and values if she is dating another girls bf.

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yeah but in that case most of us wouldn't have friends. Then we would have to also look at the guys in the BP, what if they cheat too, and sorry to say but alot of them do. What if the guys have fooled around with girls who had bf's

And not just with cheating but other things too, everybody has made mistakes, i cant think of one person i know who hasn't, we'd really have no friends lol.

ITs only herself she has no respect for

for example ive never done drugs, but i know lots of people who have-ALOT. I wouldn't sit there and say i wouldnt be friends with the person bc they tried it before, and i would've lost out on great friendships if i did that.

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Posted by Espo22

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Posted by jgl

i dont see it as a trust issue i see it as a respect and values issue.

this girl lacks morals and values if she is dating another girls bf.

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yeah but in that case most of us wouldn't have friends. Then we would have to also look at the guys in the BP, what if they cheat too, and sorry to say but alot of them do. What if the guys have fooled around with girls who had bf's

And not just with cheating but other things too, everybody has made mistakes, i cant think of one person i know who hasn't, we'd really have no friends lol.



ITs only herself she has no respect for

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I dont think that is true that we wouldnt have friends. The people i am friends with, arent like that. I have stopped being friends with people that did things i disagreed with (ie; a friend meeting guys off the internet and sleeping with them - to me that was disgusting and i stopped being that persons friend) To me this is the same thing.

i wouldnt be able to look at that person the same way.
but that is just how I feel about it.

There are so many valid points on both sides of this I guess that's what makes it soo hard.

Yes, we're close friends, obvil that's why she's in my wedding. I have no respect for cheaters, or people who are the other person (if they're aware that their 'booty call' is an act of cheating). This is no secret. I feel as though she decieved me by keeping this from me. Personally being decieved may be me just being over sensitive, but I just can't help but wonder... if she doesn't value relationships, does she really value our friendship. Or if I accept someone w/ this type of character or who behaves like this, as my friend , my standards are sliping...IDK, I'm going to have to call her & talk about everything. Once I have a better grip on her perspective, I'll prolly have a better idea of what to do.

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Posted by perfectpair

There are so many valid points on both sides of this I guess that's what makes it soo hard.

Yes, we're close friends, obvil that's why she's in my wedding. I have no respect for cheaters, or people who are the other person (if they're aware that their 'booty call' is an act of cheating). This is no secret. I feel as though she decieved me by keeping this from me. Personally being decieved may be me just being over sensitive, but I just can't help but wonder... if she doesn't value relationships, does she really value our friendship. Or if I accept someone w/ this type of character or who behaves like this, as my friend , my standards are sliping...IDK, I'm going to have to call her & talk about everything. Once I have a better grip on her perspective, I'll prolly have a better idea of what to do.

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i only just read this thread now...that is really tough, i know i wouldn't approve of a friend doing something like that. one of mine was thinking about it, and i was reallllllly upset...and she was only THINKING about it, didn't even do it!

but i think it's a really good idea to talk to her before making your decision. tell her it really bothers you, listen to what she has to say, and if you feel that she really just doesn't give a $#%! then maybe you should reconsider your friendship. it's understandable, i would have a hard time being friends with someone in that situation too.

good luck!! let us know what happens.

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Posted by Mizzdimple

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Posted by ant n tilde

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Posted by Mizzdimple

I think she should be in your wedding party based on the relationship she has with either you or you and FH.,

I think her private life should stay out of the scope of your decision to put her in your BP.

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i agree BUT then the question becomes - would i be able to remain a friend to someone who was doing this? would i trust this friend around my FH? would i want to discuss my wedding with her when she apparently has no respect for a committed relationship?

i mean, i have made some mistakes in the past and my friends never judged me and they were always there for me and they let me grow past them - but those were momentary errors in judgement NOT a long term thing. . .

this is a tough one - good luck with your decision

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Good point., I would totally not want her around my FH.

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why not? if you trust your FH you should have no problem having her around him. Just b/c she is with someone in a commited relationship doesnt mean she's going to go after every man she knows.

ok now reading everyone's POVs on this - i am just more confused. . .

i can totally understand both sides. . . i mean i am trying to think if this was one of my best friends - would i be able to just drop her? that would be so hard to do - but would i be able to listen to her tell me about her relationship without being disgusted?

either way - it totally stinks

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Posted by bemyyoko

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Posted by Mizzdimple

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Posted by ant n tilde

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Posted by Mizzdimple

I think she should be in your wedding party based on the relationship she has with either you or you and FH.,

I think her private life should stay out of the scope of your decision to put her in your BP.

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i agree BUT then the question becomes - would i be able to remain a friend to someone who was doing this? would i trust this friend around my FH? would i want to discuss my wedding with her when she apparently has no respect for a committed relationship?

i mean, i have made some mistakes in the past and my friends never judged me and they were always there for me and they let me grow past them - but those were momentary errors in judgement NOT a long term thing. . .

this is a tough one - good luck with your decision

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Good point., I would totally not want her around my FH.

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why not? if you trust your FH you should have no problem having her around him. Just b/c she is with someone in a commited relationship doesnt mean she's going to go after every man she knows.

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i just want to clarify my point - when i ask would you trust her around your FH?

what i mean is - if she has no respect for committed relationships - what is to stop her from trying to get with other guys. . . including my FH ( ok i know its extreme but i am trying to just express the questions that would pop into my head ) and by THAT i mean what if she TRIED to make a move on him - not that he responded.

if one of my BFF hit on FH - regardless of the outcome - i would still be pretty p.o. dont you think? so his 'response' isnt what i am questioning here

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Posted by perfectpair

There are so many valid points on both sides of this I guess that's what makes it soo hard.

Yes, we're close friends, obvil that's why she's in my wedding. I have no respect for cheaters, or people who are the other person (if they're aware that their 'booty call' is an act of cheating). This is no secret. I feel as though she decieved me by keeping this from me. Personally being decieved may be me just being over sensitive, but I just can't help but wonder... if she doesn't value relationships, does she really value our friendship. Or if I accept someone w/ this type of character or who behaves like this, as my friend , my standards are sliping...IDK, I'm going to have to call her & talk about everything. Once I have a better grip on her perspective, I'll prolly have a better idea of what to do.

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I think the feelings you described here are perfectly valid. She is a close friend of yours though so I would definately have that sit down and talk with her before totally ending the friendship. We all make poor choices, and we all need good friends to help us realize those choices, and to help us deal with the consequences.
I would not judge you either way, if you keep her or not. EIther choice is totally understandable. Just make sure you are totally comfortable with the outcome.
you dont want to look back at your wedding photos and be like 'UGH I HATE HER!' and on the other hand you dont want to look back and be like 'Gee I wish **** was in these photos'

Not all relationships have the same value. She may value the friendship she has with you a hell of a lot more than any other relationship she has with anyone else. She may be in love with the guy... not that it's an excuse...but love makes us all do stupid things.

good luck

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Posted by ant n tilde

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Posted by bemyyoko

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Posted by Mizzdimple

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Posted by ant n tilde

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Posted by Mizzdimple

I think she should be in your wedding party based on the relationship she has with either you or you and FH.,

I think her private life should stay out of the scope of your decision to put her in your BP.

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i agree BUT then the question becomes - would i be able to remain a friend to someone who was doing this? would i trust this friend around my FH? would i want to discuss my wedding with her when she apparently has no respect for a committed relationship?

i mean, i have made some mistakes in the past and my friends never judged me and they were always there for me and they let me grow past them - but those were momentary errors in judgement NOT a long term thing. . .

this is a tough one - good luck with your decision

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Good point., I would totally not want her around my FH.

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why not? if you trust your FH you should have no problem having her around him. Just b/c she is with someone in a commited relationship doesnt mean she's going to go after every man she knows.

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i just want to clarify my point - when i ask would you trust her around your FH?

what i mean is - if she has no respect for committed relationships - what is to stop her from trying to get with other guys. . . including my FH ( ok i know its extreme but i am trying to just express the questions that would pop into my head ) and by THAT i mean what if she TRIED to make a move on him - not that he responded.

if one of my BFF hit on FH - regardless of the outcome - i would still be pretty p.o. dont you think? so his 'response' isnt what i am questioning here

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Okay, I can understand that. My point is simply that the fact that she is with one man does not mean she will hit on others. For all we know she's madly in love with this guy. That does not make it okay for her to participate in a deceiving relationship.... but it does reflect a bit more on her character. 18 months is a long time!!!

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Posted by jgl

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Posted by Espo22

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Posted by jgl

i dont see it as a trust issue i see it as a respect and values issue.

this girl lacks morals and values if she is dating another girls bf.

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yeah but in that case most of us wouldn't have friends. Then we would have to also look at the guys in the BP, what if they cheat too, and sorry to say but alot of them do. What if the guys have fooled around with girls who had bf's

And not just with cheating but other things too, everybody has made mistakes, i cant think of one person i know who hasn't, we'd really have no friends lol.



ITs only herself she has no respect for

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I dont think that is true that we wouldnt have friends. The people i am friends with, arent like that. I have stopped being friends with people that did things i disagreed with (ie; a friend meeting guys off the internet and sleeping with them - to me that was disgusting and i stopped being that persons friend) To me this is the same thing.

i wouldnt be able to look at that person the same way.
but that is just how I feel about it.

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I understand but lets say your best friend who has always been there for you cheated on somebody would you stop talking to them?

and im not talking about just cheating or sleeping with other people...Theres other things that people do too, like for example the drug thing i mentioned

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Posted by ant n tilde

ok now reading everyone's POVs on this - i am just more confused. . .

i can totally understand both sides. . . i mean i am trying to think if this was one of my best friends - would i be able to just drop her? that would be so hard to do - but would i be able to listen to her tell me about her relationship without being disgusted?

either way - it totally stinks

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see i think thats the problem, its easy for peope to say oh just drop her, but really put yourself in her situation...Stop thinking of her and her friend, imagine you and one of your closest friends or even your best friend, would you just be able to drop everything with her.

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Posted by Mizzdimple

I think she should be in your wedding party based on the relationship she has with either you or you and FH.,

I think her private life should stay out of the scope of your decision to put her in your BP.

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im with Missdimple....yeah she might be the other woman...but maybe she is really the one for him.....maybe his gf is just not right for him...or its one of those do the right thing relationships...u never know the tru story unless ur the other woman...or in that triangle....if she is a good friend to u then u have to remember why u wanted her to be in ur BP in the first place....just because she is the other woman doesnt mean she doesnt have any respect for commitment...because she is trying in her eyes....it just so happens that he has a gf...u never no...i would prob feel the same way just cause i dont like that stuff......but if she was a good friend of mine...i wouldnt let that ruin anything