really, i feel bad venting, but i cant take it girls

i love FH to death, id do anything for him, well almost anything, anything but run back to his mom with my tail between my legs, pretending i did smething wrong so that we can play nice for another week before she goes crazy on me again

i know he understands, and i know he gets it, but i also know the other half of him wants us to get along and doesnt want to have to choose-- and i respect that- i dont want him to have to choose btw me and them, but i mean....enough

i just cant go backward, i cant let this go anymore

about amonth ago, when FMIL was holding my shoes hostage, i took one for the team, for FH and wrote her this long email, about how everything is, how it shouldnt be this way, how we should get along, how she should respect me and how i want her to be in my future but not in this way--- needless to say 4 pages later, i sent it, hoping shed wake up, and realize she doent have to like me, but she should be supportive for her son.

well, she never wrote a word back, never acknowledged it-- shes a nurse, she told FH she was too busy with work to respond bc it was too long--- mind you she works 8 hr days like the rest of the world, and if u can play farmville on facebnook, you can sure as hell deal with whats going on
but thats besides the point, so i feel strongly about this, that if she wanted to make it bette,r she would have reached out for me-- she could have simply wrote' im sorry you feel this way, lets make it better, lets work it out'--but shes happy this way, she sees him without me, and she gets to be alone with him--- she cant let go, she wants him by herself, and its sad, and sick, but it is what it is

im just sooooo damn frustrated- i dont wanna fight with FH< and i hate seeing him in turmoil, i just---- i know if i dont keep my foot down, she'll never learn to respect me and this will never end

so whats a girl to do?
i just wanna cry--- and run away--- i just cant take it anymore- and i cant give in anymore, i just want respect, the respect i deserve

really--- whyyyyyyyyyyyy
do

i really hoipe, that after you get married, this will all just go away. i mean your FH is standing up for you and i know that deep down he would love for you guys to get along, but i think he knows by now how his mom is and he can't change her and he loves you so it just is what it is.
you said that she was doing the same thing to your SIL. does she hate her DH as well? how does she deal with it?

yea shes crazy with her too- fsil just cant take it either, shes more of a push over than me-i just feel like i cant let it go anymore

Sorry to hear that, at least you know you made the effort to make things better. If shes unwilling to put some kind of effort in as well then that's too bad for her. Whether she likes it or not you're going to be family and one day you & FH will have kids and how will she deal with it then. I wouldnt do anything for the time being, she needs to accept that you're going to marry her son and at least respect that because it is her son's decision and you're the woman he loves so she should treat you with respect as well.

I'm in a similar situation with FH's sisters and aunt and I am so over their BS I don't care how they feel about me or what they have to say because in the end we're going to be family whether they like it or not they have to accept it and STFU

unfortunately, I don't see her being less psychotic any time soon. She's way over the edge.

I think the only way to deal w this is to really come to terms w the fact that this is HER problem, not yours. If your FH can't see that, well..that's his problem.

I think taking a step back, you can see, he's made his choice and it's not her. Of course she will always be his mom, and her actions hurt him, but he also knows that she'd be like this with any girl, not just you.

You made a major effort and she flipped out like the wacko she is.

Just take a breath, know this isn't your fault and concentrate on building your life together w FH. In the end, he'll find a way to deal w it.

trying to breathe-- im trying
it just seems impossible

First of all, I APPLAUD you for being the bigger, better person by writing that letter. I would also be so hurt and PI$$ED if she ignored me after essentially pouring my heart out. She sounds VERY immature and insane.

The plus side to this is you are confirming to FH what a wonderful woman he is marrying by being so strong, and patient, and MATURE even though you are gritting your teeth the whole way. He should count his lucky stars because many women would not be able to handle it.

That being said, in laws are definitely a factor of stress in a relationship and it seems your FMIL is stubborn as a mule to be stuck in her ways. Hopefully, as she sees you and FH are a TEAM and continue not to back down from her, she accepts you little by little.

If she wants to be in your life, she needs to realize that.

I also think it would help if FH puts his foot down and limits his 'one on one' time with his mom because that reinforces her bad behavior. She throws a tantrum and he spends time with her alone to keep the peace = not good.

Maybe alternate between some solo time with her and then dinner with everyone and so on.

I know you probably don't want to see her but it may help her to regularly see how happy you make FH. Hugs!

---

Posted by mybabylovesmoi


Maybe alternate between some solo time with her and then dinner with everyone and so on.

I know you probably don't want to see her but it may help her to regularly see how happy you make FH. Hugs!

---

plus it gives you opportunity to slip some exlax in her food :)

---

Posted by allornil

---

Posted by mybabylovesmoi


Maybe alternate between some solo time with her and then dinner with everyone and so on.

I know you probably don't want to see her but it may help her to regularly see how happy you make FH. Hugs!

---

plus it gives you opportunity to slip some exlax in her food :)

---

omg or some pot brownies because she needs something to relax her a bit

---

Posted by allornil

---

Posted by mybabylovesmoi


Maybe alternate between some solo time with her and then dinner with everyone and so on.

I know you probably don't want to see her but it may help her to regularly see how happy you make FH. Hugs!

---

plus it gives you opportunity to slip some exlax in her food :)

---

yea but really, i just dont want to be around her- shes said so many terrible things to and about me, and its like FH would LOVEEEE me to be there, and i feel like thats letting her know what shes doing and does is okay- and its not- i feel like i have to stay firm in my decision in order for any of this to change, bc otherwise if she knows she can say and do wahtever she wants and then eeryone plays nice when she wants too, whats going to change? ya kn0w- not that its ever going to change

ughhhh i jst

i dont want to be the one to share the bad news but things dont change for the better after marriage. in fact it can make it worse. if he cant lay the boundaries for his mom now how can he do so later? i would really sit down and have a heart to heart with him.

many moons ago i was in a similar situation and i will be truthful ... it ultimately was what brought our relationship to its end. i pray that for you it wont!

if you need to chat im here!

yea no, i know and understand that- thats what im trying to avoid

im not a believer that this is going to get better after marriage
im just not sure how to stop or change it anymore- its like everything i do is an issue and its terrible bc i love this man to deathhhh

can you sit down and talk to future hubby about how you feel? and tell him how in many ways you do not want him to chose but its hurting you and doesnt make you feel good. he loves you, i am sure he will want to try and rectify this somehow. maybe he can talk to her. maybe you can all talk. on how she can be more civil to you.

i grew tired of saying 'yes Mrs X the sky is purple' just because she said it was! when i finally took a stand she couldnt handle it and acted out. in the end he couldnt stand up to her, i didnt want him to choose, i wanted him to have us BOTH as i wanted them BOTH just on better terms. some people just dont change.

i say have a sit down!

---

Posted by amandamichael

yea no, i know and understand that- thats what im trying to avoid

im not a believer that this is going to get better after marriage
im just not sure how to stop or change it anymore- its like everything i do is an issue and its terrible bc i love this man to deathhhh

---

I think that at this point, you need to try and find the strength to kind of shrug your shoulders. That doesn't mean letting yourself get walked all over but if this who how she is, then let her be the one making things terrible.

this might sound crazy, but bare with me- imagine you are sitting in a room with a cat. And you throw a ball around hoping to play fetch with it. Its never gonna happen. Why? Because a cat is a cat. And after a few mins of trying, you would realize that.

Its the same thing with people. After having a person make it VERY clear how they intend to handle themselves, you have to get to the point where you think 'how can I expect or hope for something she is not capable of?' And learn not to 'deal' with it, but for it not to bother you. Generally a person like this does and says things in hopes of something changing or having some kind of effect. Use the strength that you have applied to 'keeping your foot down' to take away her power of having any kind of effect on you. That is literally the best thing you can do for your FH, for you, and ultimatley for the relationship.

i have no words, sorry :( this just plain sucks

---

Posted by alicia6650

---

Posted by amandamichael

yea no, i know and understand that- thats what im trying to avoid

im not a believer that this is going to get better after marriage
im just not sure how to stop or change it anymore- its like everything i do is an issue and its terrible bc i love this man to deathhhh

---

I think that at this point, you need to try and find the strength to kind of shrug your shoulders. That doesn't mean letting yourself get walked all over but if this who how she is, then let her be the one making things terrible.

this might sound crazy, but bare with me- imagine you are sitting in a room with a cat. And you throw a ball around hoping to play fetch with it. Its never gonna happen. Why? Because a cat is a cat. And after a few mins of trying, you would realize that.

Its the same thing with people. After having a person make it VERY clear how they intend to handle themselves, you have to get to the point where you think 'how can I expect or hope for something she is not capable of?' And learn not to 'deal' with it, but for it not to bother you. Generally a person like this does and says things in hopes of something changing or having some kind of effect. Use the strength that you have applied to 'keeping your foot down' to take away her power of having any kind of effect on you. That is literally the best thing you can do for your FH, for you, and ultimatley for the relationship.

---

logically i get that-- i think i just have so many hurt feelings, that i cant ignore it anymore--- how am i supposed to not react-- when were together, shes fake until she explodes- i just dont wanna be around it--- so what i fold and pretend its okay, so he wants us to be around them? she makes my skin crawl, no matter what she says or does-- how do i get past that? how do you just let it go

I know- the logic of it is SO much easier. And its certianly easier for me to say how I would hope to handle something...

my heart just kinda breaks for you...so I am desperatly grasping for things that I hope will help!!!