relationship help

As u all know my bf and i have been talking about getting engaged. i was kinda pressuring him b/c we have lived 2gether for 2 years and have been dating for a total of 3..although we r only 23 yrs old i really feel that our relationship was ready for that next step..im also feeling xtrme pressure from his family b/c they all inists he isnt serious about me and if he was we would b married..i never felt like that until they started putting these horrible doubts in my head (FYI his family and him as well as me dont really get along) we talked about it a little, looked at e-rings but everytime we get close to putting money down on a ring he kinda gets nervous..he said that he really loves me but is scared of being responsible for me and our future children b/c he feels like there is so much pressure on him (he is not used to that b/c he basically grew up on his own with no stable family and relationships to b good role models) he has told me he loves me but cant guarantee that his scaredness will ever go away...

now my q is this..r we so young that this is worth sticking out and seeing if over time and as he matures his views on life and marriage will change. i love him so much and cant bare to lose him yet im terrifed of being with someone who will never commit...can any1 relate? i really need some advice especially a male point of view would help. thanks!!!

i must admit after reading some comments it kinda made me mad. just b/c i have over 200 posts does not mean im obsessed with wedding planning. i enjoy talking to other women about life and relationships and 'apologize' if that annoys some pple. i like to pass the time and i will try to refrain posting about wedding topics since i m not engaged

IMO 23 is still rather 'young' if one is unsure. if i wound up marrying the guy i dated at 23 i would have been miserable down the road. i am now 30, with 31 just around the corner...

i had the 2/3 year poop or get off the pot 'rule', and luckily it never came to that with FH. i wouldn't ever want to be viewed as pressuring someone, so as much as it would hurt i would at some point pack my bags and move on.

only you know the answer. i know for me, i needed to kiss a few more frogs in my 20's. you have time, if it doesn't feel right then wait, never sell yourself short...

i'm not really sure what to tell you.
all i know is that when tom and i got engaged, it was a mutual thing, neither one of us was scared or nervous about it - that's how we knew it was right.
i have a friend who was dating someone for about 5 years. he mentioned that he wanted to get engaged, and she bugged him about it and gave him an ultimatum to propose to her or else. well, they got engaged, and about 6 months into the engagement, he broke it off and she was crushed.
this all happened about 2 years ago and she's still getting over it...
i'm not saying that that is your situation at all!
all i know is that when it is right, it is right, and if it isn't and you force it, no one ends up happy.
good luck!

Well, being someone who was engaged at 23, I guess I can relate a little bit better. JT and I started dating when we were 21. Both of us had serious relationships before we met, as well as time to just have fun and date around. So when we met eachother, we knew after a few months that we were in it for good. When we finally got engaged, it was 2 years into the relationship and we had been living together for a while, too. But before that...we spent a lot of time talking about marriage. A LOT. We both agreed we were not ready to get married. Not financially or emotionally. So we continued to talk about it every now and then. Finally, one day, he said to me, 'I really want to get engaged, but does that mean we have to get married right away?' I was totally confused by this. I pictured him giving me a ring, then not wanting to set a date. So I explained to him that because we lived in Massachusetts, I wouldn't want to get married until we moved home to LI. At that point, that would leave us two years to be engaged. Low and behold, I had a ring about a month later.

Ok, what's my point? My point is that even though we talked a lot, it took him months to ask the question that was really bothering him. He was scared that all of it would happen so fast. That one second we'd be this couple that was dating, then the next we would be married with three kids and a mortgage. He didn't get that everything can happen at it's own pace. And once he realized that, the pressure was off. Now we've been engaged for over a year and we've had time to let the idea of marriage sink in and we are ready.

I don't think this is a decision that you can make right away. I think you need to talk to your bf and find out what his thoughts on marriage are in general. Sometimes people find out that their life goals just are not the same. And I do not think that you should change what you want for yourself in life to fit another person. That will ultimately leave you miserable. Don't put an age or a year in your relationship when you should be engaged or married. If you two decide that you both see marriage in your future at SOME POINT, then just realize it may take a while. But if he's not on the same page as you, I wouldn't try to change his mind, I would just start to deal with the fact that his goals are not the same as yours and that you should probably move on. I hope this helps. I do not think that you are too young, I think that you guys need to talk more. Good luck.

I think it's worth sticking out for now...maybe wait another year or so if you can...Maybe he feels that he'll wind up just like his parents are but he doesn't have to. If he wants to be a good dad, he will. It does take work, you have to make time for children and if he realizes he's up for that task then he'll know and tell you. I dont' want to say that you're young, but thinking about kids at 23, I think I would be a bit nervous myself.

If you feel that he does love you and does want to marry you in the future then maybe you guys can stay together and talk about your future, kids, family matters (both past and future) and in a year or so see how things are. You don't want to hold yourself back for him if he's going to drag his feet but at the same time, if he's just not ready yet...but you think he will be soon you may want to give it some time.

Good luck

Im sorry you are going through this!!! 23 is young enough that you have time to let him be sure...if its goes on for another two three years..then maybe its time to see that he may never committ..but two three years may go by that he may find himself comepletly ready! At 23 I couldnt even take care of myself, let alone another human being, perhaps that is how he is feeling. Marriage is a HUGE commitmment and a very scary one. Do you guys already live together? If not, could that be something you could work towards? If you do already live together, maybe you could try and just give things more time. If he is feeling so anxious, he may end up resenting you. I know you have already been with him long enough and you are ready to get married..so I know this must be really hard for you. Try and give him some time..you love him obviously, so dont give up on him just yet...I dont see what waiting a few more years could hurt. Of course you dont wnat to find yourself at 30 still waiting on him..so give him a tiem limit and stick to it! If he cant commit, find yourself a man who can!!! theres plenty of them out there!!!

i know this must be difficult for you. but you have to take a step back.. enjoy yourselves.. at 23, i could barely take care of myself, i didnt know what i wanted out of life, i had a serious boyfriend but i didnt want a life long committment at the time. i didnt want the responsiibility and the pressure. I lived for myself.. i graduated colleege, got my Masters, got a teaching job... i wanted to become independent myself before I could take care of someone else. Marriage is a lifelong committment and it does take work. even though i lived with my husband 2 years before, it still is difficult.. its amazing but difficult- and were both going to be 31.....
i think you're putting too much pressure on yourself. enjoy yourselves, travel, have fun...

ETA: i dont want to sound like you are so young and its because of your age etc. everyone is different and i agree.

i also just wanted to add that i think a lot of people are putting the emphasis on your age here, and i don't think that that is what it is all about. every person is different! i know that i certainly wasn't ready to be married or engaged at 23....but on the other hand, by the time my husband was 23 he was ready to propose to me (he's 4 years younger than i am). he was 23 when he proposed and i was 27...it was right for us at that time.
you two have to talk this over and decide when it is right for you two also!!

I agree..everyone is different at age 23, some are much more mature than others...my parents married at 21 and have been married 40 years TODAY!! Only YOU and yoru boyfriend know whats best for the both of you..we arent in the relationship with you..in my earlier post I asked if you lived together..I just re-read your post and saw that you do..sorry about that. If he is experienecing nerves...all you can do is talk it out with him..try and find out what it is eactly about! the fact that there are problems with the parents only intensify this issue, but I also agree with what Kdelace said, enjoy life, travel, etc. Can you give him a time frame? How long would you be willing to wait for him?

Hi everyone:) thank you so much for all ur advice, i m going to talk to him about this soon but for now Im just giving us some time for this topic to cool down. its not like i need an e-ring to be loved and we both know that we love each other.

i m more then willing to give him all the time he needs to become more finaincially stable and feel that he doesnt need to b scared of the responsibilty that comes with marriage.

i agree with many of u that it would b smart to wait a couple of years and c what things change b/c i do love him soo much, lets say a couple yrs went by and he still was being wishy washy then i agree that i dontthink its immaturity or not readyness i think that is the way he will always be.. i love him enough that I believe relationships take work and this is something we can get threw with patience, understanding,and showing him love and that i m not like his family at all!

thanks again! i will keep u all posted! :)

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its not like i need an e-ring to be loved and we both know that we love each other.

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it hink that that is the most important part of this all!
as long as you keep that in mind, i'm sure everything will work out for you two!!

Dh and I were engaged at 22, married at 23 and are now 25 and coming up on our two year anniversary.

We have the house, the new car and every other special thing that newlyweds should be enjoying. I don't think age makes a difference at all, we did consider college important and we both had our BA's and were working fulltime jobs by time we were married.

Wow, you already have 200something posts and your not engaged yet.. just becareful you don't have wedding fever... it would be a shame to pressure him and loose a great relationship!

Also I don't know about any other members but as soon as we got enagaged all we heard about was if we had a date, and once we had a date any fun to our engagement was over. So, I don't know about anyone else but being engaged wasen't the greatest time in either of our lives.. lol Which is prolly why we were engaged for only about 7 months!


And I don't mean to be harsh... but might he already have something planned. I know many guys including dh who tried to throw me off just prior to proposing because he wanted it to be a BIG Surprise! A good friend of mine almost broke up with her now husband prior to him proposing because he was being such a wierdo since he was sitting on the ring for about a week and was nervous! Maybe he already is planning on proposing!

Everyone I know who is in my age range and put pressure on there boyfriends have since called off their weddings or are in the process of a divorce within the first month they were married.

Just wanted to add we didn't live together when we were dating or engaged, neither of us wanted to live together unless we were married... it was either all or nothing for us!

I agree that it isn't about age specifically but you BF is telling you in subtle and not so subtle ways that he is not ready yet! You pushing him and pressuring him will do you NO GOOD what-so-ever! If you are 'in-love' the way you say you are then waiting for him to feel comfortable is a no brainer..Should you wait the rest of you life, well no, but a couple of years is not unheard of!
I definately think you should be thinking A LOT less about weddings, wedding planning and figure out how you are going to deal with your possible FIL's! Becuase they will be in your life too! So since you are going to be waiting anyway, put that time to good use. So when and if you do become engaged yourit will be a joyous time for all!

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Posted by oct.2004bride

I definately think you should be thinking A LOT less about weddings, wedding planning and figure out how you are going to deal with your possible FIL's!

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I totally agree. Honestly my FH would have been freaked out had I been on LIW for as long as you have been without us being engaged. I think it is more healthy to take a more laid-back attitude towards this. There should be a natural progression to a relationship, and I would never be happy thinking I had forced my FI into something which he wouldn't have done on his own. This site is addictive, and I am sure it gets you thinking more about the planning and the wedding than maybe you should be at this stage in the game. That said, you mentioned your FILs said you support him--is there any truth to that? Maybe he needs to mature and be self-sufficient before he enters into a marriage. What he said seems odd to me--if I was truly in love with someone I would get married and live in a paper bag if we had no $. You could elope if you don't have the $ for a big wedding (IMO the lack of $ for a large wedding should never stand in the way of anyone who loves each other not getting married). My advice is get a hobby (only because you posted that you want to take up a hobby), and spend less time worrying about the engagement and weddings. If it were me, I would move out and take some time away from him. That should make him realize if he can't live without you, and if he doesn't come back, then he was never meant to be the one anyway.

ETS: Anyone is allowed on this site, and don't take my comment to mean that you are not welcome. I just wanted to say that even as someone getting married in less than 5 months, the wedding planning (and this board) can become all-consuming at times. I was more carefree before getting engaged, and certainly had fewer things to worry about, and to some extent was able to enjoy my relationship with my FI more (just because we have so many wedding errands and such to do now). Take the time to enjoy that, and not worry about when the ring will come. That said, if you ask for everyone's opinion, take it all with a grain of salt. We are all honest here, which is one of the reasons I value everyone's opinion here. People I know in real life may sugarcoat something, but in this cyber-world under the mask of a chat name, I think everyone is more likely to voice what they really mean.

FH and I got engaged 10 days after I turned 23.

This is because I pushed the issue. I feel REALLY REALLY REALLY bad about that, because honestly, once I had the ring, I calmed down and realized that it wasn't such a huge issue. I Love Adam, and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I realize all the little reasons I love him, and find new ones all the time!

Look, if there's one thing I could do over, it would be the pressure issue. It was wrong of me. He loves me now, he loved me then, and it hurt him when I pressured him. It caused fights. Silly fights, about whether or not we really loved each other! How rediculous! All because I had three girlfriends get married in one month, and two of his former apartmentmates were already engaged (one got married last night, and Jax430's at the end of the month), and I felt 'left out.' How stupid was I?! I had 'Wedding Fever,' and I'm not ashamed to admit it, although if you had told me then I would've gotten very offended and denied it.

There are a lot of girls on here who are in their late 20's and early 30's. They are just as happy as the younger couples. If you have to wait a little longer, wait. I'm quite sure it'll be worth it.

Mike and I started dating when I was 14. We got engaged when I was 21. We will be getting married in 3 weeks. I am 23 he just turned 25. It has nothing to do with age. I think the huge issue is that he isnt ready and u are pressuring him. that is not good. 2 things will happen either you will push him away (this happened recently with my friends they were together for 3 years and she kept pushing he got pissed and left) or you will get married and it wont work because you got married for the wrong reason. It has to be something you both want.

I don't think it has anything to do with age - it just sounds like he's not quite in the same place as you. He loves you and you love him and if that's enough for you for now then wait. I think you'll know when it's time to move on if you need to just as he will know when he is ready to really settle down. I wish you lots of luck

Also, don't worry about the number of posts you make here and please do not let anyone make you feel unwelcome. I know people that had their weddings planned before being engaged and there have been several other posters that were active before they were engaged.

I also think age has absolutely nothing to do with it, what matters is where you are in your lives, your ready, he's not. That doesn't mean he never will be. To your benefit you do have the age where you are young enough to wait awhile. He says he loves you, he'll come around someday. My hubby and I lived together before we got married. Do you live together yet? Maybe that commitment will help you feel that there is more of a future. Working together to pay bills and rent is a step in the right direction. See if he's willing to try that.
And yes, all people are welcome on this site, it doesn't matter that your not actually 'planning' a wedding. I happen to see your posts alot and think you advice is wonderful. I wish you the best of luck. hang in there and enjoy this time together. These things take time.