sad but need your help UPDATED

Original post by needyouradviceplease

Sep 17, 2004 07:44 AM

Hi everyone. I am using a fake name because I don't want you all feeling badly for me. I need your help. Please.

This year has been a horrible one for me but I seem to keep smiling somehow. I think now I'm losing my hope. Here's the scoop. FH and I got engaged in Dec. last year. That's the good part. Then my dad and FH both got menengitus within 2 months of one another starting in February this year and almost died. They are both fine now but gosh what a horrible couple of months. In the middle of them both being sick, I was diagnosed with melanoma and told I can't be in the sun anymore which is my favorite thing to do. So I have to change my lifestyle..Oh well things could be worse (which i'm finding out unfortunately.) Now this past weekend, my mom who had breast cancer 3 years ago was diagnosed with lung and brain cancer. They think the breast cancer came back and metastesized into the brain from the lung. That's best case scenario because they can treat the breast cancer if that's all it is. If it's lung cancer that went to the brain it is much more serious. I can't believe this is happening. My dilemma of course is do I move the wedding up or do I hope for the best and keep it over the summer 2005. My mom and I discussed it and she wants me to keep it where it is. She is hopeful that they can treat her but my family and I are not so sure. I know it will upset her if I move it but I want her to be there. I can't fathom having a wedding without my mother there.
Am I being selfish by wanting to move it up and have her there? Will it make her feel worse if I move it up? Will it make her feel like I think she is dying? But what if she is? Oh i'm sorry its so long but I just don't know what to do. I'm DONE with this year already..It's been nothing but heartache. Thanks for listening all. I hope no one ever has to make this decision.

dpli Posted: Sep 17, 2004 10:31 AM

Re: sad but need your help

My brother went through a similar thing a few years ago- and both of my parents are now deceased, so I can appreciate what you are going through. FM me if you want more details - I am a little uncomfortable going into it in a thread- but I think it depends a lot on what your mom's health and spirit is like now and at the time you would be moving the wedding up.

Elaina Posted: Sep 17, 2004 10:40 AM

Re: sad but need your help

Donna Posted: Sep 17, 2004 10:48 AM

Re: sad but need your help

Just some hugs

Just a thought from a different angle - maybe your mom doesn't want you to change the date because it gives her something to strive for?

Just remember whatever you decide we will all be here to help.

Colleen Hines Posted: Sep 17, 2004 10:55 AM

Re: sad but need your help

Definitely, unequivocally move it up. The most important thing about a wedding, as far as I am concerned, is having your family members be there and be healthy. God forbid her condition takes a turn for the worse and your mom is unhealthy in 2005, you will run the risk of never forgiving yourself for not moving it up. You aren't being selfish (and even if you were, to whom?). This is your mother-who brought you into this world, loved you, cared for you, protected you and I am surmising one of the most important individuals in your life. NO ONE ought to have the slightest problem with your pushng it up. If they do, they are calluos, phenomenally insensite people who should not have the honor of attending your wedding. I will keep you, your mom and the rest of your family in my prayers. Pushing it up is the right thing to do-life is too fragile and precious. Don't wait to enjoy this wonderful day with your family members, especially your mom--now.

skew Posted: Sep 17, 2004 10:58 AM

Re: sad but need your help

Posted by needyouradviceplease

Am I being selfish by wanting to move it up and have her there?

OMG, NO!!!! the fact that you are willing to move your wedding up is completely selfLESS.

i am in total shock right now after reading all that your family has been through.

MrsJ Posted: Sep 17, 2004 11:03 AM

Re: sad but need your help

I'm so sorry for everything you are going through. You are a strong person.

Second, if I was in the same situation I would talk to my FH and move up the wedding. I would want to make every effort to make sure my Mom would be able to be part of my wedding.

I hope things get better and that you Mom makes a full recovery.

mia72098 Posted: Sep 17, 2004 11:05 AM

Re: sad but need your help

I am so sorry for your misfortune. I would move the wedding up. I am 23 and lost my mother two years ago. She also had lung cancer which then traveled to her brain. Unfortunately with her her doctors mis diagnosed her and had all of us believing that she was in stage one and would be fine after treatments. Well they were wrong. When she passed away it was a huge shock to all of us. My mother and I were best friends so it is so hard to do this without her. Although my wedding is supposed to be the happiest day of my life it is also the hardest and the saddest. I m,ean I have wonderful friends and family members as well as my FMIL who help me with all the wedding stuff but is is nowhere near the same of having your mother. If I knew my mother was going to pass away before I got married I would move it up in a second even if it meant getting married by a justice of the peace. Take it from me, you will feel so much better knowing for sure that your mother will be aT your wedding to watch you get married. I hope that everything works out with her. Just remember to savor each day with her!!!!!! Whether she lives for 35 more years or 6 months, treasure each and everyday because you can never get them back once they are gone.

If you need to talk FM me!!!!

needyouradviceplease Posted: Sep 17, 2004 11:16 AM

Re: sad but need your help

Posted by Donna

Just some hugs

Just a thought from a different angle - maybe your mom doesn't want you to change the date because it gives her something to strive for?

i thought of this also and she keeps saying 'i'll be there in june.' She wants to get the guest list finalized and she made me order my dress for june and she is staying positive that she will be there in june. what if she's not though...arrrrrrrrhhgggggg

sorry it quoted it but i meant for it to be normal writing..

Annette Posted: Sep 17, 2004 11:17 AM

Re: sad but need your help

Rejoice in each other's company now and remember to just love, love, love. Sounds like you & your mother are both concerned about each other - trying not to stress or put each other out, while all you both probably want is to celebrate life, together. If you think your mother's going to be too ill the next few months, then I agree to wait until she has had time to recuperate, or, as some others have said, have a small gathering now, before chemo and keep your original date. Your mother will be glad to be w/ you no matter when your date is, so don't worry about moving it up and making her feel that you believe her time here is short. It's short for us all, indeed. God bless you and your mother, FH, father and all your relatives and friends. At this time, you need each other. You are not alone - we're all praying for you. Love, Annette

nylibride Posted: Sep 17, 2004 11:24 AM

Re: sad but need your help

I am so sorry for all that you have had to deal with. I can completely understand why you want to move up the wedding to have your mom there for absolutely sure. My only concern is if she is going through treatment for her cancer, she may be lacking in energy, may feel sick, etc. I'm sure that's not a time you want to have your wedding either. It is a difficult and very personal choice. There is no right or wrong.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

needyouradviceplease Posted: Sep 17, 2004 12:33 PM

Re: sad but need your help

Posted by nylibride

I am so sorry for all that you have had to deal with. I can completely understand why you want to move up the wedding to have your mom there for absolutely sure. My only concern is if she is going through treatment for her cancer, she may be lacking in energy, may feel sick, etc. I'm sure that's not a time you want to have your wedding either. It is a difficult and very personal choice. There is no right or wrong.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

i'm concerned about how she will feel also..i'm thinking i'll know more after her first dose of radiation which will be over in 3 weeks..if the tumors have shrunk then she has a better chance of beating it..lets just keep our fingers crossed and thanks again for all your advice..

nferrandi Posted: Sep 17, 2004 01:46 PM

Re: sad but need your help

What do you think of maybe gong to Jamaica or DR this October/November with just your FH, your parents, your FILs, and anyone else that could make the trip and get married there? I think it would be very beautiful and special and then you could continue planing next summer as your big reception for all family and friends. I think a little mimi trip would be good for you and your family. If going to the Carribean is too much, there are many nice Bed & Breakfasts around here that can do small weddings. It would be gorgeous to get married on a lawn with the leaves changing. Just some things to consider.

Nautical bride Posted: Sep 17, 2004 02:05 PM

Re: sad but need your help

I like snowprincess805's idea about having it at the end of the year and ending off on a positive note. But instead of December when your mom is still finishing treatments, why not have it in late January and then you could say it is your way of kicking off the NEW year on a very positive note - a way of putting the past to rest.

I also like the idea of a small intimate wedding sooner than later followed by a big party for friends and family next summer. That way, you are guaranteed to have your mom at the wedding, but you will also give her a bigger party to look forward to and to strive to attend.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. We are here for you.

DMcK Posted: Sep 17, 2004 02:06 PM

Re: sad but need your help

I would say move it up. Follow your heart. Good luck.

jen110704 Posted: Sep 17, 2004 02:09 PM

Re: sad but need your help

My heart goes out to you.
I would move it up. I could never imagine getting married w/o my mom by my side.

If you need anything let us know.

May05Bride Posted: Sep 17, 2004 02:15 PM

Re: sad but need your help

I am sorry you went through all this!

Have you talked to the doctors? What do they say?
IMO you should move it up.

needyouradviceplease Posted: Sep 17, 2004 03:32 PM

Re: sad but need your help

Posted by May05Bride

I am sorry you went through all this!

Have you talked to the doctors? What do they say?
IMO you should move it up.

the doctors at first were assurring her that she would make it to the june wedding but on wednesday her doctor told her 'we'll see for now but if I have anything to do with it you will be there.' they are not sure yet what type of cancer it is so they aren't saying much about time frame..that's why i'm having such a hard time deciding..

maralynne Posted: Sep 17, 2004 03:43 PM

Re: sad but need your help

i would definatly move it up... but what about having a small wedding ceremony sooner with close freinds and family.. and keep everything else as planned and then on the origonal date you had planned renew your vows and have the big to-do. good luck with your decisions.. my prayers will be with you and your family...

exotica776 Posted: Sep 17, 2004 03:53 PM

Re: sad but need your help

Posted by needyouradviceplease
My dilemma of course is do I move the wedding up or do I hope for the best and keep it over the summer 2005. My mom and I discussed it and she wants me to keep it where it is. She is hopeful that they can treat her but my family and I are not so sure. I know it will upset her if I move it but I want her to be there. I can't fathom having a wedding without my mother there.
Am I being selfish by wanting to move it up and have her there? Will it make her feel worse if I move it up? Will it make her feel like I think she is dying? But what if she is? Oh i'm sorry its so long but I just don't know what to do. I'm DONE with this year already..It's been nothing but heartache. Thanks for listening all. I hope no one ever has to make this decision.

omg you are NOT being selfish at all!!!! anything but!!! first of all my heart aches for you, you are an amazingly strong woman, and i am sure you got that from your mother, who is obviously being so strong through this whole thing as well. I have to say move it up, ASAP. make it for the beginning of january, tell her you want to start the new year off right after all your heart ache. it will give her time to feel a little bit better after the chemo too! or you can do a smaller inexpensive wedding NOW, and keep your plans for june to celebrate your wedding and her recovery the way you are dreaming!

I think in your moms heart she wants you to move the wedding up, but like another said, moms are so unselfish. she is trying not to put you out, she is trying not to scare you, she is being strong for your whole family, because that is what moms do!
good luck with everything, and you can always fm myself or i am sure anyone else on here if you want to talk!!!

me&james Posted: Sep 17, 2004 03:54 PM

Re: sad but need your help

Your story made me cry also. I am so sorry to hear about your sorrows.

Move the wedding immediately. Cancer is very scary, and many times, time is of the essence. My friends father had the same type - it traveled from his lungs to his brain. He passed away last winter and now my friend is engaged to be married, but is so upset inside that they are unable to feel excited about their wedding.

Don't let time pass by, don't let it slip through your fingers...get married now, and have your mother there by your side...

There truly should be no debate here. Just do it. Plan it for January or Feb or March. Do not wait until next summer - it is way too far.

I will pray for you and your family and keep you in my mind always...