sad but need your help UPDATED

Original post by needyouradviceplease

Sep 17, 2004 07:44 AM

Hi everyone. I am using a fake name because I don't want you all feeling badly for me. I need your help. Please.

This year has been a horrible one for me but I seem to keep smiling somehow. I think now I'm losing my hope. Here's the scoop. FH and I got engaged in Dec. last year. That's the good part. Then my dad and FH both got menengitus within 2 months of one another starting in February this year and almost died. They are both fine now but gosh what a horrible couple of months. In the middle of them both being sick, I was diagnosed with melanoma and told I can't be in the sun anymore which is my favorite thing to do. So I have to change my lifestyle..Oh well things could be worse (which i'm finding out unfortunately.) Now this past weekend, my mom who had breast cancer 3 years ago was diagnosed with lung and brain cancer. They think the breast cancer came back and metastesized into the brain from the lung. That's best case scenario because they can treat the breast cancer if that's all it is. If it's lung cancer that went to the brain it is much more serious. I can't believe this is happening. My dilemma of course is do I move the wedding up or do I hope for the best and keep it over the summer 2005. My mom and I discussed it and she wants me to keep it where it is. She is hopeful that they can treat her but my family and I are not so sure. I know it will upset her if I move it but I want her to be there. I can't fathom having a wedding without my mother there.
Am I being selfish by wanting to move it up and have her there? Will it make her feel worse if I move it up? Will it make her feel like I think she is dying? But what if she is? Oh i'm sorry its so long but I just don't know what to do. I'm DONE with this year already..It's been nothing but heartache. Thanks for listening all. I hope no one ever has to make this decision.

littlewilson Posted: Sep 17, 2004 04:04 PM

Re: sad but need your help

It's a really tough one, but I think you should honor your mom's wishes by leaving the date as is. You can't tell what's going to happen in the future, but if you really want to do right by her, then you should do what she asks. You can talk it over again with her to make sure she knows exactly how much her being there means to you, and to confirm her feelings, but if she wants to leave the date as is, then by all means, leave it.

I am sure that she is very touched by your willingness/desire to move the date to accomodate her, but if you move the date she may feel uncomfortable with the pressure of having these kind of changes made because of her.

Whichever way you decide, I'm sorry for what you've been going through...I'm sure it's tough on anyone and I wish you lots of happiness in the future.

JacnRob729 Posted: Sep 17, 2004 04:05 PM

Re: sad but need your help

first off, i have to say how sorry i am. You seem like such a strong person. You are probably a great source of motivation for your mother, and you need to continue to be. I would sit down and talk with your mom, and tell her how important it is for you to move up your wedding. Tell her with everything that your family has been through this past year, that it just feels right to move it up. Best of luck to you. If you need anyone to talk to, Im here for you. My family has gone through some things for the past couple of years, and thankfully, were on the high road now, but I know how you may feel, and I will lend any support that I can

RobNette Posted: Sep 17, 2004 04:05 PM

Re: sad but need your help

Move it up anyway..but really talk to your mother and family about it.
Make sure to keep the focus off of her illness, and more on the perspective you've gotten from the illness; that life is short and why wait when you can do it sooner and have the people you love around you.
It's a good point that it might show lack of faith in her eyes...but that's why you need to be clear..and discuss it.

My father didn't sign his will...and only drew one up when he got Cancer. He left us with loads of paperwork because he couldn't deal with reality...(that's a whole sorted story...)but point is: that kind of illness can make you extra senstiive to those kinds fo things...just remember.

As far ast he wedding goes, I would say that moving it up might make it simpler than a long planned wedding, but financial possition will determine that more than anything else.

Best of luck, and you must be really strong to go through these trials together...I'd say you have a good shot in marriage with those battles and demons under your belt.

keljoe04 Posted: Sep 17, 2004 04:13 PM

Re: sad but need your help

I am so sorry you are going through this!!! I know Im going against the norm here but I don't think I would move up the wedding. I think if your mom wants you to keep it in June then keep it there. You also said she will be starting chemo soon. That could really take a lot out of her and she wouldn't enjoy the wedding or feel her best at the wedding during chemo. I say continue planning the wedding as is..but ask your vendors what their policies are for changing the date if for some reason you need to move it up sooner.

My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your mother. I wish you the best!

needyouradviceplease Posted: Sep 17, 2004 04:37 PM

Re: sad but need your help

thank you all so much for your help and support..it has helped to just share what i'm feeling and you have all given such wonderful advice. i will talk to my mother again and let her know how important it is that she is there..i'm sure you all know that deep down inside i hope and pray that she will be okay and this won't be an issue..in three weeks we will know more..thank you again..

DMcK Posted: Sep 17, 2004 04:39 PM

Re: sad but need your help

Until then, you will be in my thoughts and prayers

janwinterbridejoy Posted: Sep 17, 2004 05:11 PM

Re: sad but need your help

i think you should move it up i didnt have my dad with me on my big day and know how it can feel

prindia Posted: Sep 17, 2004 05:31 PM

Re: sad but need your help

move it up TODAY!

FrescaBride Posted: Sep 17, 2004 05:42 PM

Re: sad but need your help

Sometimes Life sends us things so that we see how strong we can really be and also in your case, I feel, so that you and your family know the strong bond you all share. There is always light at the end of the tunnel.
We really do not know how long we are here for but we can make the most of the time that we have by loving those we feel and have closest to us. If I were you, I'd speak to your mom. I know how hard it must be for you to even imagine not having your mom next to you on such an important day. But think positive. Think that she will be always Be with you regardless. I feel like someone else did here that sometimes in Life, we need to hold on to something and what a better thing to look forward your mom will have to see her daughter get married. Hang in there and I send you and your family loving, healing energy. And know that all of us are here to provide the support that you may need.
Hang in there !!!!

jensun Posted: Sep 17, 2004 09:11 PM

Re: sad but need your help

I say move it up. If anything were to happen to your mother, god forbid, she would be there to see her daughter get married. I am so sorry for everything you have been going through. Keep strong.

needyouradviceplease Posted: Sep 17, 2004 09:46 PM

Re: sad but need your help

you are all so sweet..if my mom only knew how wonderful you all are.. to you all also..

DebMaher Posted: Sep 17, 2004 09:47 PM

Re: sad but need your help

Of course not. Do what feels right to you -- it will be umpteen more times special because of this wonderful thing you have done to honor your mom. She has a wonderful daughter and that will make her happy.

nov.bride Posted: Sep 17, 2004 11:49 PM

Re: sad but need your help

I am sorry that all of these things are going on.
I agree with the suggestion of having a small wedding or moving up your date.

I hope that things get better for you and your family soon.

We are here if you need us.

Butterflybride Posted: Sep 17, 2004 11:53 PM

Re: sad but need your help

Definately move the wedding up! Sorry for all you are going through! I hope all works out!

2003OCT10 Posted: Sep 18, 2004 12:59 AM

Re: sad but need your help

What does Fh think of moving it up??

I am so sorry to hear this unfrtunate situation.. If it was me I would opt to move it up, as long as FH was in agreement with me.
Good Luck..

bogiedmb41 Posted: Sep 18, 2004 01:55 AM

Re: sad but need your help

i think you should move it up. i am so sorry for you. personally i dont know what i would do if my mom wasnt there. i wouldn't want to take the chance that she wouldnt be there so i would move it up.
it sound like you had a really hard year and i hope its not the worst case senario

pschica Posted: Sep 18, 2004 09:56 AM

Re: sad but need your help

i say move it up...exactly one day after our 'one more yr to go' anniversary of our wedding, we lost my mil....the woman who was so happy for the first time in two months when we told her we had booked it, never got to make it to our wedding, my dh didn't get to dance with his mom, and she never got to see me trying on dresses, or in my dress and we missed her so much on that day (she passed away very unexpectedly, they thought she was repsonding to the chemo at the time).....it still makes us sad to think about it and at times we can't believe she wasn't there or ever will be again.

while i do want to add that unfortunbately you can't push everything up, if it was me, i would push it up. the memories you will have could last a lifetime. good luck, sorry to hear all you are going through and if you ever need anyone to talk to, please feel free to fm or email me!!

alexlynn7 Posted: Sep 18, 2004 10:10 AM

Re: sad but need your help

.
i am so sorry that you are going through this, and i greatly admire your courage! it takes a big person to keep on smiling through such bad times.

i agree with everyone else who says you should think about moving your wedding up. it sounds like the best way to ensure that you will be able to enjoy your day with your mom there.

i am finishing medical school in a few months -if you ever need someone to talk to (in english, not doctor-speak) about your medical issues or your mom's or whoever, please always feel free to FM me.

carline Posted: Sep 18, 2004 10:55 AM

Re: sad but need your help

Have Faith God has given you the strength to get through this far and I believe that he wouldn't give you anything that you couldn't handle.so please son't lose hope. PRAY,PRAY asmuch as you can so he can guide you through and have the best answer for you. It's easier said than done but the decision of changing the date is totally up to you. I personally don't think that it would be a selfish act because in your heart you really want your mom their to be able to enjoy herself. you don't know how fast this cancer can attack the rest of her body and how the chemo may make her feel. i work in a cancer dept in NYC and sometimes pts can have the hardest time and sometimes they can make a complete turn around,depending on how dhe reponds to her treatment.don't lose hope ,stay strong because your mom and family needs you right now.also i wrote so much that i didn.t remember what month in '05' the wedding was?You can consider a winter wedding jan'05' that will suite your needs and your moms needs ,think about it and good luck!!!

Dooodles Posted: Sep 18, 2004 07:27 PM

Re: sad but need your help

I think you and FH should discuss moving up the date. I like the idea of giving your Mom something to strive for, but I have seen cancer take loved ones so much sooner than anticpated. Your Mom is not going to want to know you did it for her though. It might bring her mood down that you expect the worst out of this. But of course, you want your Mother there to beam at you on your day. She may not feel up to much if she is dealing with chemo, but at least she will be there. Please let us all know what you decide!