sad but need your help UPDATED

Original post by needyouradviceplease

Sep 17, 2004 07:44 AM

Hi everyone. I am using a fake name because I don't want you all feeling badly for me. I need your help. Please.

This year has been a horrible one for me but I seem to keep smiling somehow. I think now I'm losing my hope. Here's the scoop. FH and I got engaged in Dec. last year. That's the good part. Then my dad and FH both got menengitus within 2 months of one another starting in February this year and almost died. They are both fine now but gosh what a horrible couple of months. In the middle of them both being sick, I was diagnosed with melanoma and told I can't be in the sun anymore which is my favorite thing to do. So I have to change my lifestyle..Oh well things could be worse (which i'm finding out unfortunately.) Now this past weekend, my mom who had breast cancer 3 years ago was diagnosed with lung and brain cancer. They think the breast cancer came back and metastesized into the brain from the lung. That's best case scenario because they can treat the breast cancer if that's all it is. If it's lung cancer that went to the brain it is much more serious. I can't believe this is happening. My dilemma of course is do I move the wedding up or do I hope for the best and keep it over the summer 2005. My mom and I discussed it and she wants me to keep it where it is. She is hopeful that they can treat her but my family and I are not so sure. I know it will upset her if I move it but I want her to be there. I can't fathom having a wedding without my mother there.
Am I being selfish by wanting to move it up and have her there? Will it make her feel worse if I move it up? Will it make her feel like I think she is dying? But what if she is? Oh i'm sorry its so long but I just don't know what to do. I'm DONE with this year already..It's been nothing but heartache. Thanks for listening all. I hope no one ever has to make this decision.

oakslady Posted: Sep 18, 2004 07:37 PM

Re: sad but need your help

move it up - have to have mom there - just in case -
i think if everyone is ok with it - it shouldnt be a problem

needyouradviceplease Posted: Sep 19, 2004 08:28 AM

Re: sad but need your help

well everyone i spoke to mom about it last night again and there is no way she wants me to move it up..she believes she will fight this and i don't want to break her spirit even though its breaking my heart to think she might not be there..we talked about possibly going somewhere just fh, me her and my dad and fh's parents to get married and keeping the original date and showing a video of the ceremony from whereever we go but she just laughed and said 'yeah if we had money to take a trip on top of having this wedding..' so i'll push for that maybe and save every penny so that maybe i can take her away for even a weekend. i'll keep you all posted and thank you all so much for the advice..you are all wonderful and i hope you all have wonderful weddings..

[email protected] Posted: Sep 19, 2004 08:38 AM

Re: sad but need your help

DebsNY Posted: Sep 19, 2004 08:51 AM

Re: sad but need your help

I'd look into options of moving it up now... My Aunt did that when she got married so that my Grandfather could be there and I know she's very happy she did...

If your mother does not want you to move it, i'd say have an option for an earlier wedding open, and then wait a week or two and see.

I hope that this everything works out for the best for you, your family, and your fh. My thoughts are with you.

white-wolf Posted: Sep 19, 2004 02:07 PM

Re: sad but need your help

I am so sorry to hear all that is happening with you and your family. I do feel you and FH should move the wedding up. It is totally unselfish of you. I'm sure if you discuss it with the family again, everyone will agree, just let them all know how you feel and how much this will mean to you.
God bless you and your family.

David'sbride Posted: Sep 19, 2004 02:48 PM

Re: sad but need your help

I am so sorry for everything you are going through.

I lost my mother to a drunk driver when I was eight years old. I thought I'd be ok with it but as I plan this wedding there are moments when it really hits me. So many of my vendors (especially when looking for dresses) ask about my mom and I have to tell them. My Dad had a stroke 7 years ago and I'll be walking down the aisle alone. Long story short... definitely move it up.

Your mom might not want you to because she might be superstitious about it as if it was giving her bad luck.

My advice is meet with your banquet manager and other vendors and explain the situation. They may have a cancelled date and may be able to be flexible. Then present this to your mom and say everything is ready to go and all you need is her ok. She may want to keep you from additional stress of replanning... nonsense... check it out and then ask her.

Good luck to you, your mom and family.

Waiting Posted: Sep 20, 2004 09:59 AM

Re: sad but need your help

I'm so sorry to hear of all this that is happening to you. I wish you and yours well.
I know that you dont want to hurt her feelings but in this case theres nothing wrong with being selffish and moving it up. Just tell her you rather do it now than later. You can never tell the future. Do it now and you wont have that extra worry later.

azoodie Posted: Sep 20, 2004 10:17 AM

Re: sad but need your help

i cannot believe the things that have happened to you, i truly am sorry for it all

as far as the wedding goes, my best friend got married a couple of years ago. she didn't really have any intentions of getting married, but her husband proposed and she decided to go with it (they were together forever!!!)

her father at the time had cancer and she desparately wanted him to be there so she pulled together a wedding in like 7 months. as time got closer to the wedding she was afraid of him not making it, not being able to walk her down the aisle cause he was extremely week and not being able to have the father daughter dance.

well long story short. he made it, he fought through it and he was there. he took extra meds that day to bear with the pain when walking. he died about 2 weeks after the wedding.

the reason i'm telling you this is because he had the will to make it to that wedding and so will your mother. not only will she make it, but it may even help her get through the disease!! it's amazing what people can get through when they have the will to do it.

again, my thoughts and prayers are with you!

needyouradviceplease Posted: Sep 20, 2004 10:42 AM

Re: sad but need your help

Posted by azoodie2

i cannot believe the things that have happened to you, i truly am sorry for it all

as far as the wedding goes, my best friend got married a couple of years ago. she didn't really have any intentions of getting married, but her husband proposed and she decided to go with it (they were together forever!!!)

her father at the time had cancer and she desparately wanted him to be there so she pulled together a wedding in like 7 months. as time got closer to the wedding she was afraid of him not making it, not being able to walk her down the aisle cause he was extremely week and not being able to have the father daughter dance.

well long story short. he made it, he fought through it and he was there. he took extra meds that day to bear with the pain when walking. he died about 2 weeks after the wedding.

the reason i'm telling you this is because he had the will to make it to that wedding and so will your mother. not only will she make it, but it may even help her get through the disease!! it's amazing what people can get through when they have the will to do it.

again, my thoughts and prayers are with you!

what an absolutely inspiring story..if only i could know that this would ring true for her. i know she doesn't want me to move it up but i can't help think where she might be in a few months..it is 9 months away and it could literally be a lifetime for her and for me.

azoodie Posted: Sep 20, 2004 11:02 AM

Re: sad but need your help

Posted by needyouradviceplease

what an absolutely inspiring story..if only i could know that this would ring true for her. i know she doesn't want me to move it up but i can't help think where she might be in a few months..it is 9 months away and it could literally be a lifetime for her and for me.

i totally understand how you feel, it's scary to take that risk. i also understand how your mother feels too. it's a tough situation, but you really need to think about this decision with your family and fh.

btw, the days before the wedding, her father could hardly walk. but not only was he able to walk her down the aisle, they also had their dance.

pschica Posted: Sep 20, 2004 01:54 PM

Re: sad but need your help

again! if you mom doesn't want to move it up, then don't, if you both can be opk with that. she sounds like a wonderful woman and will hopefully fight this. maybe you guys can do some type of commitment ceremony with her there for now and then do the actual wedding ceremony and all as scheduled. hang in there.

needyouradviceplease Posted: Feb 12, 2005 10:36 AM

Re: sad but need your help UPDATED 2/12/05 go to last page

hi everyone. just wanted to let you all know what happened..my life is a shambles..mom was doing well on treatment and she asked that we keep the wedding where it was..so fh and i did..on jan 18, mom went to the doctor because she hadn't kept any food or drink down for weeks..we thought it was from the chemotherapy..then she started to fall so we said ummm we better get some tests done..well needless to say, the cancer spread to her spinal fluid and we placed her on hospice 2 weeks ago..she doesn't have more then a few days to a week to live and the wedding is in a few months..i can't believe it..i guess it wasn't meant to be..but to all of you who told me to move it up, i wish i had listened to you and not to mom..i can't believe my day will be without her helping me get ready..she is so strong and the hospice nurse has been asking what she could be holding on to..when we told her about my wedding she turned and said, 'it could very well be that she's fighting to be there..' there is just NO chance that she'll win the fight. this *****. thanks for listening

RedHead Posted: Feb 12, 2005 10:38 AM

Re: sad but need your help UPDATED 2/12/05 go to last page

i am soooo sorry..
you and your family are in my prayers

TracyInQueens Posted: Feb 12, 2005 10:39 AM

Re: sad but need your help UPDATED 2/12/05 go to last page

I'm so sorry.

LuvMyMichael Posted: Feb 12, 2005 10:40 AM

Re: sad but need your help UPDATED 2/12/05 go to last page

I am so sorry for you. Focus on the time you have left with your mom, and the memories you two share.

May she live out her life peaceful and happy with the people who love her.

I am praying for her and for you and your family.

-Paige

Kelly9904 Posted: Feb 12, 2005 10:47 AM

Re: sad but need your help UPDATED 2/12/05 go to last page

I am sooooo sorry for what you are going though.
My mom was diagnosed with Lung cancer 3 weeks after my wedding and died 3.5 months later!
It is such a horrible disease!
From the standpoint of your wedding, I cant imagine what you are going through.
But with preparing to lose a best friend/parent, I know the feeling! Spend as much time with your mom as possible, and say all the things you want to her! Let her know you love her, you'll miss you but you will be okay! When we put my mom is hospice they said hearing is the last to go and even though my mom could no longer speak I know in my heart she heard and understood my words because her expressions would change as I spoke!
I thank God that I got to say what was in my heart!
If you need anything please FM me!

ETA My friend lost her mom 5 weeks before her wedding, somehow we do find the strength to go on! Your mom will be with you on that day NO MATTER WHAT!

marymoon Posted: Feb 12, 2005 10:47 AM

Re: sad but need your help UPDATED 2/12/05 go to last page

I'm so sorry. Stay strong On your wedding day, you'll know you did it the way your mom wanted you to.

You couls also have a little ceremony right in your mom's hospice room. And then your big wedding this summer will be a renewal.