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sad but need your help UPDATED

Original post by needyouradviceplease

Hi everyone. I am using a fake name because I don't want you all feeling badly for me. I need your help. Please.

This year has been a horrible one for me but I seem to keep smiling somehow. I think now I'm losing my hope. Here's the scoop. FH and I got engaged in Dec. last year. That's the good part. Then my dad and FH both got menengitus within 2 months of one another starting in February this year and almost died. They are both fine now but gosh what a horrible couple of months. In the middle of them both being sick, I was diagnosed with melanoma and told I can't be in the sun anymore which is my favorite thing to do. So I have to change my lifestyle..Oh well things could be worse (which i'm finding out unfortunately.) Now this past weekend, my mom who had breast cancer 3 years ago was diagnosed with lung and brain cancer. They think the breast cancer came back and metastesized into the brain from the lung. That's best case scenario because they can treat the breast cancer if that's all it is. If it's lung cancer that went to the brain it is much more serious. I can't believe this is happening. My dilemma of course is do I move the wedding up or do I hope for the best and keep it over the summer 2005. My mom and I discussed it and she wants me to keep it where it is. She is hopeful that they can treat her but my family and I are not so sure. I know it will upset her if I move it but I want her to be there. I can't fathom having a wedding without my mother there.
Am I being selfish by wanting to move it up and have her there? Will it make her feel worse if I move it up? Will it make her feel like I think she is dying? But what if she is? Oh i'm sorry its so long but I just don't know what to do. I'm DONE with this year already..It's been nothing but heartache. Thanks for listening all. I hope no one ever has to make this decision.
snowprincess805 Posted:

Re: sad but need your help UPDATED 2/12/05 go to last page

what about doing a small ceremony with both your parents at the hospice - this week - just get a simple white dress -and a minister- if i wanted my mom there i would make it happen

I wish you all the best - it must be really difficult
I AM CRUZN Posted:

Re: sad but need your help UPDATED 2/12/05 go to last page

My heart and prayers are with you and your family!! Keep your head up and enjoy every moment with your mom. I work in a cancer office and I see things like this everyday and it is never easy. Be proud of your mom and for the fight she is going through. During your wedding know that your mom if not there in person she will be there in spirit. If you need anything please feel free to fm me.

lilacwine Posted:

Re: sad but need your help UPDATED 2/12/05 go to last page

you have fm

Imagin916 Posted:

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I am so sorry that you are going through this, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

103005FallBride Posted:

Re: sad but need your help UPDATED 2/12/05 go to last page

MOVE IT UP! My Mom passed away 4 years ago tomorrow actually and if there is one person I could have at my wedding it would be my Mom. I know deep down inside that she is going to be there with me in my heart and in spirit, but having her by my side, walking me down the aisle and dancing with me out of the dance floor that is my dream.
Do it!
103005FallBride Posted:

Re: sad but need your help UPDATED 2/12/05 go to last page

Posted by Kelly9904

I am sooooo sorry for what you are going though.
My mom was diagnosed with Lung cancer 3 weeks after my wedding and died 3.5 months later!
It is such a horrible disease!
From the standpoint of your wedding, I cant imagine what you are going through.
But with preparing to lose a best friend/parent, I know the feeling! Spend as much time with your mom as possible, and say all the things you want to her! Let her know you love her, you'll miss you but you will be okay! When we put my mom is hospice they said hearing is the last to go and even though my mom could no longer speak I know in my heart she heard and understood my words because her expressions would change as I spoke!
I thank God that I got to say what was in my heart!
If you need anything please FM me!

ETA My friend lost her mom 5 weeks before her wedding, somehow we do find the strength to go on! Your mom will be with you on that day NO MATTER WHAT!


That is so beautiful Kelly! I know exactly what you're saying. The night before my Mom died I knew and I said all I could to her. Like your Mom she couldn't talk, but I felt the need to tell her it was ok, but I wanted her to promise me that she would be at my wedding day and would be there with me when I had a baby (even though I hadn't even met my FI yet...I knew those days above all I would need to know she was there) She started tearing up. It was something I will never forget.
traceyd Posted:

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I am so sorry for everything you are going through-you and your mom and in my thoughts and prayers-you're mom sounds like a fighter if she has her way she'll be at that wedding.
ladybug78 Posted:

Re: sad but need your help UPDATED 2/12/05 go to last page

I am so sorry for all the pain that you, your Mom and your family are going through. I will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers. May God bless you all
azoodie Posted:

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i am so sorry you had to go through this
Happybride2005 Posted:

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DMcK Posted:

Re: sad but need your help UPDATED 2/12/05 go to last page

I am so sorry. I will pray that your mom is comfortable. I am so sorry you have to go through this.

My best friend lost her mother to cancer 6 months before her wedding, and it was so sad and painful. But my friend made a donation in her mother's name to cancer as a favor and did other things throughout the reception.

Just because she is not there in body does not mean she is not there. I know it is not comforting right now, but your mother WILL be at your wedding in one form or another, and she will always be with you.
pschica Posted:

Re: sad but need your help UPDATED 2/12/05 go to last page

first of all, i cried reading this again.... as i wrote a few months ago, my dh and i went through this. we didn't move the date up - they didn't realize how bad his mom was and i lost my other mom before we even planned very much, it still breaks our heart since she would have had so much fun- so i know how you feel.
if you can, do something now, even if its not official - to celebrate your anticipated union together. it is not an easy time for you or your fh right now, or anyone else in your family. your friends and fmaily as well as your fh will be your lifeline over these next few days and weeks.

if you ever need someone to talk to, who has been there, don't hesitate. you can't look back right now and change your decision, you just have to remember that you followed your mom's wishes, which is so important to and i am sure will give her peace.

hang in there.
germai68 Posted:

Re: sad but need your help UPDATED 2/12/05 go to last page

First of all I want to say that I am sorry that you have to be going through all of this. My mother was in the same situation as you are when she married my father. Her dad had already passed away and her mother was dying when she got engaged (cancer as well). They chose to wait until after she passed away to get married because they figured the wedding should be a happy celebration and the family was going through such a hard time as it was that why should more stress be added. My father drove his FMIL to his mothers house so that she could meet the in-laws. My mom's mom said to my dad's mom 'Please take care of my little girl', which is exactly what she did. My mother always said that my fathers parents were her parents longer than her own and they always made her feel a part of the family. I know that this is so hard to deal with right now but maybe that is why your mom asked that you not move the date. She does not want you to rush your wedding along and be so sad the whole day knowing that she is going to be leaving you. Instead she may want you to have the time to grieve over her and begin a new life with celebration and not so much sadness. And when you wedding day comes remember that she will be there looking down on you thinking how beautiful you look and how lucky she was to share so much of her life with you and to meet the man that you will marry. Good luck in this time of need and I hope that you are able to get through it. My prayers and thoughts are with your family.

Goldi1021 Posted:

Re: sad but need your help UPDATED 2/12/05 go to last page

First off, I wish you and your family the best through this difficult time. I hope things become easier for you. It is hard to find something to say that will soothe you but it is heartfelt.

In my opinion, I think you should move it up as long as your parents are well enough to attend. I understand where your mother is coming from but you do not want to tempt fate. I would also keep things intimate. Perhaps consulting with your clergyperson may make things easier for you.

I have previously posted my personal crises in regard to my parent's health. To make a long story short, I have my mom in cardiac rehab at North Shore Hospital and my father in a respiratory care unit in the same place. Mom's outlook is quite good as her triple bypass surgery (3 weeks ago) went very well. Dad's outlook is not good. He's been hospitalized for the past 4 months and will most likely never be well enough to come home. I know he would not be well enough to come to my wedding regardless of if we had it now or a year from now. This upsets mom greatly and she has told me so. Knowing my Dad as I do , in his best of health and consciousness, he would want me to have the best wedding possible whether he is there or not. So every aspect of my wedding will be in his honor.

You are blessed to have both of your parents with you right now. Take this opportunity to honor them both and show them the joy of watching their daughter marry. It will be hard for your mom to get through but I bet that in the end, she will be grateful.
lanikai Posted:

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You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I am so sorry for what you are going through.
jimmysgrl Posted:

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Oh hon, I am so sorry that you are going through this. My gosh, I wish there was something that we could all say to help but it is a decision that your whole family will have to make together. I've seen amazing, strong people push through and maybe your mom is holding onto 'that day' maybe thats where she is hoping her strength will come from to make it to then and then even after that. Maybe she doesn't want the date moved up because this gives her stuff to look forward to both in her mind and heart. I would send you a thousand if I could, just know that no matter what, your Mom sounds like she loves you so much and that transcends everything.

Edited because I hadn't seen that last post, oh gosh, I am so sorry that she's on hospice. Please don't beat yourself up over not moving it up and thinking that you should have, you granted your mom's wishes and right now, that is a really, commendable thing. Is there anyway to do a small something in the home with an officiant and then a larger reception later down the road? In Church today, I said a prayer for your mom, remembering your story, and I hope that your relationship only gives you great comfort and love throughout this horrible time. I will send you every ounce of I have. Please be well....
helen05 Posted:

Re: sad but need your help UPDATED 2/12/05 go to last page

I'm so sorry that you're going through this at a time that is supposed to be so happy. Treasure the time you have left with her, and if she passes before your wedding day, she will be shining down from above, she will be there.
You're in my prayers..
honeybee Posted:

Re: sad but need your help UPDATED 2/12/05 go to last page

your story made me cry and cry. i am so sorry for all that you and your family has gone through. i wish you all the best in the world.
Dooodles Posted:

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Your Mom and your family are in my prayers
DebsNY Posted:

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I'm so sorry about your mom. Just make the most of the time you have with her, she'll be at your wedding in spirit, though she may not be there in body.

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