Shower Invites are Out! UPDATED ON PAGE 2

My mom mailed out my shower invitations last night, so people should get them saturday, monday tuesday!
So exiting mailing them.

FMIL was really dead set against on inviting her family to my shower, both FFIL, and FMIL did not understand why their side would be invited to my shower.
So after all is said and done, there will be 1 or 2 people from FH's side at my shower.
She did invite some of her friends but fought me tooth and nail on that as well.

What irks me is that the other day when i posted about them standing up with us at the ceremony, people really attacked me and said that i was known to start stuff on the boards and i have done it before.
It hurts because as much as they are nice people i feel like i am doing Everything they want, as far as traditions, we are having a chuppah, We are signing the Ketubah, having yarmulkes, doing the 7 blessings, kiddush cup, drinking wine, glass breaking, having a cantor sing hebrew songs.

And she doesnt want to do anything involving my traditions. FIL's even went on to say in the begining how they only wanted rabbi because they did not like how it looks having 2 officiants.

Basically i feel like i am giving in to everything they want, and losing control over the ceremony. Wich is a reason i was not happy with the idea they would be standing up there with us. Yes i think it is very weird that FMIL wont invite her family to my shower, and if weird offends people im sorry but its how it makes me feel as a person.

ETA:spelling and grammar

I am terribly sorry all I can do it send major hugs your way I really hope it gets better for you

I'm so sorry....combining two families is definitely the most difficult part of the wedding (and marriage) for many people! I'm sorry that your FILs can't see that and adjust, and also that you were attacked for being upset by it--you are being very nice to include so many of their traditions, it really does seem like they could bend to include some of yours....

i agree it's totally weird. when you get married your two families are supposed to join together to celebrate. so what's her problem.

sorry

So I just want to be clear...you are ok with fh side of the family being invited to your shower or you don't see why they should.

Unfortunately it's one of the tough things of marrying someone from a different culture and traditions. Yes it seems like you are being fair. Maybe instead of your family and his family telling you how some things shoul dbe odne for your wedding...you and fh should sit down, talk and decide what is important to you and let both sides know your decisions and stick byt them...support one another when one family attacks and make it clear that it's yours and fh's wedding and this is what you've decided.

Don't lose excitement, it is about you and him in the end

HTH

nicole, i hope you didn't think i was attacking you....my first response was just telling how it is tradition...it was all comments calling it weird but not getting into that now. I did think about the whole shower situation with your FMIL but i thought she decided to invite her side after all.

the same way i thought it would be nice for you to do something traditional that means alot to them, i think they should do the same for you. IF she doesn't understand why she needs to invite her side then she has issues. Its part of your wedding celebrations and your family now so how can she exclude her side.

I am so sorry that is horrible

i would say something about you doing so much for their traditions and they're not

Nicole, I think it would aide your cause in feeling attacked if you explained better when you originally post.

For example, for those who never read your first post awhile ago about FMIL not wanting to invite her family to your shower.....instead of people thinking she's uninterested or doesn't like you or whatever.....how about you explain that traditionally, some jewish girls don't have bridal showers so it may have been awkward for her to ask her family. ( i understand you're not jewish, but her son is and you're his fiance and maybe this is how her family does it)

I'm jewish and none of MY father's side of the family (the jewish side) was invited to my shower. This is normal and I was not upset or offended. In lieu of, they all sent VERY generous engagement gifts from my registry, but even if they hadn't, it is what it is. That's the way it's done.

If you had explained better in your original post about FH's parents 'wanting' to stand up with you during the ceremony and said that it is jewish tradition that BOTH sets of parents stand around the couple as a symbol of love and support and not just said it was weird and acted like this was something they made up......it would have alleviated a hell of a lot of confusion and tension.

MY FH is catholic and we are incorporating elements of both religions and cultures into our ceremony. Does standing under a beautiful chuppah, drinking wine and having the people who gave birth to you and raised you standing beside really bother you that much?????

Trying to find a solution to all of these issues is called joining together and COMPROMISE. Compromise and understanding and patience are just some of the many things that go into a successful marriage. Unfortunately sometimes so is biting your tongue and just picking your battles with the in-laws. Remember this is going to be your family now also. Do you really want to start off your marriage and the rest of your life together with this family like this?

ETA: You also need to sit down with FH and FMIL and explain how you want some of your traditions incorporated as well. You are right in that aspect, it is only fair.

i agree with missliss
i didnt have a shower; we dont in my family but i did get lots of engagement gifts

i do have relatives that have had showers so it not true that NO jewish girls have showers
however, if your mother is making it, THEY SHOULD GO!!!

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Posted by Snowflake08

i agree with missliss
i didnt have a shower; we dont in my family but i did get lots of engagement gifts

i do have relatives that have had showers so it not true that NO jewish girls have showers
however, if your mother is making it, THEY SHOULD GO!!!

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you are right laura considering I'm a jewish girl myself and I had a shower. Guess I contradicted myself there.

What i am trying to say is i just feel like i am doing everything their way. And i just feel like i am just being pushed and pushed to have it go the way they want it.

I need to talk with them. Its just so hard talking about this stuff. I dont want to hurt their feelings, but i also dont want to forget who i am and the things that i believe in.

As much as they want this traditional jewish ceremony and wedding, they need to remember that it will never be that because it is interfaith. And they just have to meet me somewhere in the middle.

I thought it would be nice having both families at my shower, get to meet some more of his side and relatives.
It would be nice to have another day other than the wedding where both families are at.

in regards to jewish people not having a shower... i am jewish and i had a shower... and all of my family came..
Even though in your fmil family they dont have them you can tell her some jewish people do have them and i come from a traditonal household.

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Posted by TheFutureMrsM

What i am trying to say is i just feel like i am doing everything their way. And i just feel like i am just being pushed and pushed to have it go the way they want it.

I need to talk with them. Its just so hard talking about this stuff. I dont want to hurt their feelings, but i also dont want to forget who i am and the things that i believe in.

As much as they want this traditional jewish ceremony and wedding, they need to remember that it will never be that because it is interfaith. And they just have to meet me somewhere in the middle.

I thought it would be nice having both families at my shower, get to meet some more of his side and relatives.
It would be nice to have another day other than the wedding where both families are at.

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I agree with you 100%, you do need to sit down with FH and FMIL together and TELL them how you feel. You can't keep your feelings locked up because you'll be unhappy. Tell them what you can add to the ceremony and explain. See if this is something the rabbi will add, i.e. unity candle, readings, etc. Explain to them since the ceremony is about you AND fh then it should showcase both of your cultures.

I know you are upset about the other day, however I missed that and did not get involved.

I think my best advice to you is to learn about your FIL traditions/values/cultures. You might have been able to grasp the idea of not FMIL not inviting their 'side' to the shower earlier.

Becoming someones wife also means (at least to me) marrying into their family too. I do think compromise is important, but (not that I would know if you do this - ) if you storm off or dont ask the questions of WHY they don't want to do something, or WHY they do want to do something you will never understand your In-laws and there will be a rift.

Good Luck. I am sure you will have a beautiful shower!

Nicole I am sorry you are going through trouble with your FIL's.

I think you and Lee should sit down and talk about the traditions of both of you culture and religion. And also decide on what traditions are staying in the ceremony and which ones you prefer to have left out. And you know there is nothing wrong with leaving certain traditions out. I am not doing a mass because fh family is greek orthodox but I wanted to get married in a church since i go every sunday with my family and went to catholic school. But we Compromised and fh family didnt really like the church thing but whatever it is fh and my wedding NOT theres and although yes they gave birth to us and have cared for us our whole lives this is a time to become one with another person and parents need to realize that it is not just about them anymore. It is 2 families becoming intertwined. and i think that since you respected many of their traditions they should respect some of yours. give and take.

i never understood why parents feel they need such a say in the whole wedding planning. maybe because fh and i are paying for ourselves we get touchy when our parents say that things shouldnt be the way we are planning them. but you know what they had their weddings and they should want us to be happy with our whole wedding. and the ceremony is the most important part. and if it is important for you and lee to stand under the chuppa by yourselves they should respect that or repsect that you want a officiant up on the alter as well as the rabbi since you have respected many of their traditions. Compromising goes a long way haha
good luck !!!!!

Oh I will give you an example of what fh's grandma thought and got mad about:

she thought that she was picking who was going to be in the bridal party! YUP thats right. And it isn't even a romanian tradition??!!!

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Posted by cbcf

Oh I will give you an example of what fh's grandma thought and got mad about:

she thought that she was picking who was going to be in the bridal party! YUP thats right. And it isn't even a romanian tradition??!!!

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That's hysterical. Gotta love grandmas.

I'm glad the poster above explained the Jewish tradition of not inviting in laws to the bridal shower. I have also been to a Jewish friend's bridal shower and both sides were there, so I guess it depends on the family.

Def. sit and talk with your fh, sorry you are going through this

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Posted by cbcf

Nicole I am sorry you are going through trouble with your FIL's.

I think you and Lee should sit down and talk about the traditions of both of you culture and religion. And also decide on what traditions are staying in the ceremony and which ones you prefer to have left out. And you know there is nothing wrong with leaving certain traditions out. I am not doing a mass because fh family is greek orthodox but I wanted to get married in a church since i go every sunday with my family and went to catholic school. But we Compromised and fh family didnt really like the church thing but whatever it is fh and my wedding NOT theres and although yes they gave birth to us and have cared for us our whole lives this is a time to become one with another person and parents need to realize that it is not just about them anymore. It is 2 families becoming intertwined. and i think that since you respected many of their traditions they should respect some of yours. give and take.

i never understood why parents feel they need such a say in the whole wedding planning. maybe because fh and i are paying for ourselves we get touchy when our parents say that things shouldnt be the way we are planning them. but you know what they had their weddings and they should want us to be happy with our whole wedding. and the ceremony is the most important part. and if it is important for you and lee to stand under the chuppa by yourselves they should respect that or repsect that you want a officiant up on the alter as well as the rabbi since you have respected many of their traditions. Compromising goes a long way haha
good luck !!!!!

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aww thank you for your post.

I definately feel that we should be compromising on certain things. They said they wanted only a Rabbi, I said ok that is fine with me. Since they were really insistant on that.

It all comes down to talking things out with FH, i wrote him a long email the other day, and he still hasnt responded. The only way i can talk to him is through email and he is just so busy its so hard to get a chance to talk to him. He works 14-16 hours a day 7 days a week. We are paying for a majority of the wedding. His parents are giving us a small contribution. My dad is giving double what his parents are giving.

I just want my family to feel to feel welcome and enjoy our day as well.
So far my parents have made No demands or suggestions about the wedding at all.

If i called my dad right now and said listen i want to walk down the aisle alone, he would be ok fine with me. My parents are just very different, its not that they dont care its just they have their own lives and they dont get invovled with mine. They respect me and what i want to do with my life. My sister went to get married in teh bahamas alone, just her and her DH. No one said a word about not being there. My dad didnt cry because he didnt walk her down the aisle.

Im rambling but thank you for your post!!

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Posted by cbcf

Oh I will give you an example of what fh's grandma thought and got mad about:

she thought that she was picking who was going to be in the bridal party! YUP thats right. And it isn't even a romanian tradition??!!!

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she is crazy bc they dont have bp's

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Posted by Espo22

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Posted by cbcf

Oh I will give you an example of what fh's grandma thought and got mad about:

she thought that she was picking who was going to be in the bridal party! YUP thats right. And it isn't even a romanian tradition??!!!

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she is crazy bc they dont have bp's

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Silly Grandma!