My mom mailed out my shower invitations last night, so people should get them saturday, monday tuesday! So exiting mailing them.
FMIL was really dead set against on inviting her family to my shower, both FFIL, and FMIL did not understand why their side would be invited to my shower. So after all is said and done, there will be 1 or 2 people from FH's side at my shower. She did invite some of her friends but fought me tooth and nail on that as well.
What irks me is that the other day when i posted about them standing up with us at the ceremony, people really attacked me and said that i was known to start stuff on the boards and i have done it before. It hurts because as much as they are nice people i feel like i am doing Everything they want, as far as traditions, we are having a chuppah, We are signing the Ketubah, having yarmulkes, doing the 7 blessings, kiddush cup, drinking wine, glass breaking, having a cantor sing hebrew songs.
And she doesnt want to do anything involving my traditions. FIL's even went on to say in the begining how they only wanted rabbi because they did not like how it looks having 2 officiants.
Basically i feel like i am giving in to everything they want, and losing control over the ceremony. Wich is a reason i was not happy with the idea they would be standing up there with us. Yes i think it is very weird that FMIL wont invite her family to my shower, and if weird offends people im sorry but its how it makes me feel as a person.
ETA:spelling and grammar
Emily08
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Re: Shower Invites are Out! With mini Vent
I am so sorry that you are dealing with all of this!!
I'm not too familiar with jewish tradition so I can't say anything about that, but I do have jewish friends and they did have showers. Even though it's the bride attending the shower, the gifts are for BOTH the bride and groom to help them start their life together. It's not like your FMIL's side would be coming to shower you with gifts exclusively, it would be for the both of you to help start your life together.
As far as mixing cultures, I agree with you 100%. I'm also marrying outside of my faith, and I've made it very clear from the beginning, as did my FH, that everything needs to be as 50-50 as possible. For them to make you feel that way is COMPLETELY wrong. And why are you the one having to deal with all of this? Can't your FH speak to his parents? I know for us there have been times throughout the planning process where either myself or FH had to speak to our parents and we did that. He should really be sticking up for you!!
beachbum05
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Re: Shower Invites are Out! With mini Vent
Nicole - I'm sending you FM
cbcf
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Posted by Espo22
Posted by cbcf
Oh I will give you an example of what fh's grandma thought and got mad about:
she thought that she was picking who was going to be in the bridal party! YUP thats right. And it isn't even a romanian tradition??!!!
she is crazy bc they dont have bp's
haha i know right!!! she is such a wonderful woman but crazy at times
xXxNovember08xXx
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Re: Shower Invites are Out! With mini Vent
Posted by missliss
Posted by Snowflake08
i agree with missliss i didnt have a shower; we dont in my family but i did get lots of engagement gifts
i do have relatives that have had showers so it not true that NO jewish girls have showers however, if your mother is making it, THEY SHOULD GO!!!
you are right laura considering I'm a jewish girl myself and I had a shower. Guess I contradicted myself there.
i too agree with laura and misliss.. like we said before a bout the shower .. if FMIL is so religious she woudl not want family there .. 'we' (jewish ppl dont make showers for anything...
again its all part of the jewish tradition adn it seems as if she (FMIL) is real dead set in her ways which you unfort can not change, especially since it is her son that is getting married and they are paying for the wedding...
HOWEVER, with a big H you NEED to talk to FMIL and FFIL and tell them how you woudl appreciate your customs in the wedding As well considering it seems liek 'LEE's wedding' and not lee and nicole.
compromise is what interfaith weddings are all about, and if FMIL knew how important is is to you i hope she will let you do and your family follow some of UR tradations.
TheFutureMrsM
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Posted by xXxNovember08xXx
Posted by missliss
Posted by Snowflake08
again its all part of the jewish tradition adn it seems as if she (FMIL) is real dead set in her ways which you unfort can not change, especially since it is her son that is getting married and they are paying for the wedding...
I must clear something up, FH's Parents are NOT paying for the wedding, they are giving us 5k. Which i know is amazing since ALOT of girls on here arent getting anything. But 5k with a wedding that is upwards of 50k right now does not qualify as paying for our wedding. My father is giving us 10k towards the wedding as well. and he has not said a word about the wedding or ceremony or anything
angl2001
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Re: Shower Invites are Out! With mini Vent
they need to realize that this is yours and FH wedding not theirs you should put your traditions in it and say screw them! dont even tell them. Now if they are PAYING for it i can kinda understand them wanting certain things but they really need to realize that this is YOUR wedding. If YOU and FH are paying id tell her to shove it. I really would! FMIL originally wanted us to get married in a catholic church...i said no way! i am not catholic and i am not religious so we came to a compromise and we are getting married in a lutheran church. I am sure they are not going to like alot of things about my wedding and i really dont care! I am the one busting my *** for it not them! Go ahead and do what you want they shouldnt have a say whatsoever!!! This pissess me off when i see this stuff on these boards i dont understand where the parents come off thinking they can do whatever they want for OUR wedding!! My parents from day 1 have told me to do what i want its my day! there have been things they have asked me to leave out or change but they are just suggestions. I just wish everyones parents were that easy to please! I hope it all works out good luck!
loislane
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Posted by xXxNovember08xXx
Posted by missliss
Posted by Snowflake08
i agree with missliss i didnt have a shower; we dont in my family but i did get lots of engagement gifts
i do have relatives that have had showers so it not true that NO jewish girls have showers however, if your mother is making it, THEY SHOULD GO!!!
you are right laura considering I'm a jewish girl myself and I had a shower. Guess I contradicted myself there.
i too agree with laura and misliss.. like we said before a bout the shower .. if FMIL is so religious she woudl not want family there .. 'we' (jewish ppl dont make showers for anything...
again its all part of the jewish tradition adn it seems as if she (FMIL) is real dead set in her ways which you unfort can not change, especially since it is her son that is getting married and they are paying for the wedding...
HOWEVER, with a big H you NEED to talk to FMIL and FFIL and tell them how you woudl appreciate your customs in the wedding As well considering it seems liek 'LEE's wedding' and not lee and nicole.
compromise is what interfaith weddings are all about, and if FMIL knew how important is is to you i hope she will let you do and your family follow some of UR tradations.
This has nothing to do with the thread but I'm just wanted to say that even if someone's parents are paying for a wedding entire wedding it shouldn't give them a license to do everything the way they wanted. I beleive if a person's parent is paying for a wedding that is a gift. If you give someone a gift you don't say, 'okay I'll give this to you but you have to use it this way' It's not fair.
nifheim
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Re: Shower Invites are Out! With mini Vent
all i have to say is i feel bad for when you have kids - MAN that is going to be a hard day.
All i can say is good luck and yet again I am so greatful i am not religious and neither is FH.
TheFutureMrsM
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Posted by nifheim
all i have to say is i feel bad for when you have kids - MAN that is going to be a hard day.
All i can say is good luck and yet again I am so greatful i am not religious and neither is FH.
Yup, I already know what a fight everything will be. Especially which name we pick, they have already made it a point to tell me that they name after the deceased so I know i will have no say in what name i choose for my child, if i ever have one. They have also sat down and said i MUST raise the child jewish, and that i shouldnt have them celebrate both because the kids will be so confused. I pretty much Yes'd them to death, but you bring up such a good point. I envy you
xXxNovember08xXx
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Posted by loislane
Posted by xXxNovember08xXx
Posted by missliss
Posted by Snowflake08
i agree with missliss i didnt have a shower; we dont in my family but i did get lots of engagement gifts
i do have relatives that have had showers so it not true that NO jewish girls have showers however, if your mother is making it, THEY SHOULD GO!!!
you are right laura considering I'm a jewish girl myself and I had a shower. Guess I contradicted myself there.
i too agree with laura and misliss.. like we said before a bout the shower .. if FMIL is so religious she woudl not want family there .. 'we' (jewish ppl dont make showers for anything...
again its all part of the jewish tradition adn it seems as if she (FMIL) is real dead set in her ways which you unfort can not change, especially since it is her son that is getting married and they are paying for the wedding...
HOWEVER, with a big H you NEED to talk to FMIL and FFIL and tell them how you woudl appreciate your customs in the wedding As well considering it seems liek 'LEE's wedding' and not lee and nicole.
compromise is what interfaith weddings are all about, and if FMIL knew how important is is to you i hope she will let you do and your family follow some of UR tradations.
This has nothing to do with the thread but I'm just wanted to say that even if someone's parents are paying for a wedding entire wedding it shouldn't give them a license to do everything the way they wanted. I beleive if a person's parent is paying for a wedding that is a gift. If you give someone a gift you don't say, 'okay I'll give this to you but you have to use it this way' It's not fair.
im not trying to say that the $ gives teh inlaws the ok to do what they want but it give them more of a say... none the less they shoudl be talkign this out with the 2 parties involved especially since this concerns tradations...
nothign shoudl be done without discussion.. yea this is a gift and what not but if this is that we are discussing traddation above all this needs to be sorted out withthe inlaws and all parties involved so that things are fair for everyone.
i dont wan tto get every off on this $ issue but we are discussing tradations again. and its hard to break that.. just need to be discussed and sorted out.
Kimbalina
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Posted by TheFutureMrsM
Posted by nifheim
all i have to say is i feel bad for when you have kids - MAN that is going to be a hard day.
All i can say is good luck and yet again I am so greatful i am not religious and neither is FH.
Yup, I already know what a fight everything will be. Especially which name we pick, they have already made it a point to tell me that they name after the deceased so I know i will have no say in what name i choose for my child, if i ever have one. They have also sat down and said i MUST raise the child jewish, and that i shouldnt have them celebrate both because the kids will be so confused. I pretty much Yes'd them to death, but you bring up such a good point. I envy you
If you YES them to death you will get no where. But in the same notion if you dont embrace their traditions and cultures or at least try to, who can blame them for not wanting to embrace yours. Afterall, just saying YES could cause problems later...or now
Mizzdimple
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you have the right to feel how you feel., dont let anyone tell you different., your only venting.
Future Mulligan
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i feel bad for you nicole....i understand that you should respect them b/c they are FH's parents but from what you say i dont feel like they are respecting you....what does FH have to say about all this? i dont think you are wrong for not wanting them standing up during the ceremony - its your and your FH's wedding and they shouldn't make you do anything you do not want to do......at first my FMIL was upset that we weren't getting married in a church - then she was upest that we werent getting married by a priest or having a religious ceremony - but she got over it - she sees how excited we are and now she is excited too - she understands that this is OUR wedding and she respects that. it sounds like are already doing so many things to incorporate your FH's family's traditions - and you didn't have to do that.....im sorry she would not invite any of your FH's family to your shower - i think that is rude - you compromised for her why can't she compromise for you? doesn't she realize that the shower gifts you receive are also gifts for her son? why can't you invite his family and let them decide if they want to come? its like she is deciding for them.....
can your FH talk with them and tell them to back off? they sound very controlling. don't they want their son and his wife to be happy?
Julybride08
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Re: Shower Invites are Out! With mini Vent
Posted by TheFutureMrsM
Posted by nifheim
all i have to say is i feel bad for when you have kids - MAN that is going to be a hard day.
All i can say is good luck and yet again I am so greatful i am not religious and neither is FH.
Yup, I already know what a fight everything will be. Especially which name we pick, they have already made it a point to tell me that they name after the deceased so I know i will have no say in what name i choose for my child, if i ever have one. They have also sat down and said i MUST raise the child jewish, and that i shouldnt have them celebrate both because the kids will be so confused. I pretty much Yes'd them to death, but you bring up such a good point. I envy you
You have to stand up to them now or they will walk all over from now on. It will get really out of hand so talk to them and stand up for what you want!! it is your wedding remember that!!
Future Mulligan
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i also wanted to say that its a very nice gesture that they are giving you 5K towards your wedding - but i dont think that gives them the right to choose how you have your wedding and/or ceremony. just because they chose to help you doesnt mean they get to decide what is done - them giving you money should be because they love you both and want to help so you can have the day you dreamed of - not so that they can ruin it for you!
Espo22
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Re: Shower Invites are Out! With mini Vent
i think relationships are all about compromise but doesn't seem like she is compromising at all...Its her way or the highway. She only wants you to follow their traditions and she has no interest in yours or even cares. Now as i had said in the other thread, you should do things to honor their traditions BUT if they are disregarding yours completely then that is different. Seems like you are the only one following theirs and yours is not even important.
and she has no right to ever tell you what you HAVE to raise your kids...that is a conversation she should not be involved in, that is between yu and FH. I would flip out if our parents told us what we HAVE to do and yes even if my own parents told me what we HAVE to do. I would tell them its between me and fh and they can't tell him what he has to do.
you should talk to lee or else this will go on for the rest of your life...Tell him how you feel that your traditions are not important meaning you feel like you're not important.
loislane
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Posted by Future Mulligan
i also wanted to say that its a very nice gesture that they are giving you 5K towards your wedding - but i dont think that gives them the right to choose how you have your wedding and/or ceremony. just because they chose to help you doesnt mean they get to decide what is done - them giving you money should be because they love you both and want to help so you can have the day you dreamed of - not so that they can ruin it for you!
Very well said. I don't think anyone has the right to dictate how your marriage, children, and any other aspect of you life is going to be done. It's great to honor tradition but unless you are converting which it doesn't sound that way no one should tell you what to do. Yes you are marrying 'THEIR SON' but that doesnt' mean you aren't deserving of him. They aren't doing you a favor by 'letting' you marry him. He chose that for himself. I would sit down with him, his family and maybe your rabbi and maybe the group of you can come to a great solution where all parties are happy. I'm sure there is a way.
Future Mulligan
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its such a sticky situation - it sounds like you are having a pretty traditional jewish ceremony (ive never seen one and im not jewish so i might be wrong) is that the kind of ceremony you imagine when you think of marrying your FH? if its not, then i dont think you should feel forced into it. some people dont mind and they just want to marry their love and it doesnt bother them what type of ceremony they have - i know for ME i never imagined marrying FH in a church with a priest and its not how he imagined it either. (we are not interfaith - we are both roman catholic and grew up going to catholic school and church). for us, we just wouldnt be comfortable getting married in a church. we had our own vision of what we wanted and no matter what anybody said we stuck together and we stuck to it. my parents were fine with our idea for a ceremony - FH's parents, like i said before were a little upest.....BUT they understood that this is our wedding and just because THEY followed the traditional catholic tradition when they were married does not mean that WE have to.....both of our parents are really excited for our ceremony now - and because they know us they can see why this is this type of ceremony we wanted - it fits us.....maybe you and FH can talk it out and put up a united front and talk to his parents so that you and your FH have the ceremony you both want (not what THEY want)
AMGBride2008
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Re: Shower Invites are Out! With mini Vent
I'm very frustrated for you and your situation Nicole. While I understand how hard Lee works, he needs to take some time out of his schedule and discuss the issues you are having with HIS parents.
DeeluvsVinny
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I'm sorry you're dealing with this now. Wedding planning should be happy times and seems like your FILs are not making things easy for you. I don't have that same situation, but I really think you and FH need to speak with them. Regardless of who is paying for things, this is your wedding and you should have what makes the two of you happy. Marriage is all about compromises, not one person always giving in to the other or their family. IMO, giving them their way in these things now are just predictors for life to come. I truly do feel for you and wish you all the best working things out.
Just remember, that after all the BS, the one thing that really matters is that you and FH will be married and get to spend forever together.
