So whats the deal if you DONT get married by the church...

Sorry to keep going on about this, but we don't know what to do..... What is the deal if you don't get married in a church? Does it really matter who marries you? I've heard that the church will not 'recognize' the marriage...is this true? THANKS!!!

So whats the deal if you DONT get married by the church...

Yes, tbe church wont recognize the marriage.

So whats the deal if you DONT get married by the church...

We are sort of in the same dilemma. It will be an interfaith marriage and we wanted to fulfill all the requirements of both religions. We looked into many options and then decided that in order to satisfy both religions we would have to do things (like plan the ceremony indoors) that we weren't thrilled with. Turns out that the Rabbi that we hired that works with a priest is not really a Rabbi, according to an article in the NYT last Sunday. So now we are out (temporarily) our $500 deposit and clergy for the day. We need to start looking again and the options are a lot slimmer now since the wedding is in four months. One option we are considering now is to have the ceremony as planned, and then when we get back from our honeymoon have a private ceremony by a priest. Our parents support what we are doing even though initially they wanted a church wedding. They realize that since it is an interfaith marriage things can be complicated. You have to do what matters to you. If it is important for you to get married in a church then you must do so. Otherwise you may always regret it. Good Luck

the religion debate...don`t mean to offend anyone

well, here`s the thing princessbride...is that important to you? Some people are raised in religion, and it`s important to them to be married by the proper procedures. I have been following this thread because I find it quite humerous!!! No offense, but when several of you mentioned 'lying to the priest', I almost fell off my chair!! Now, I am not religious...only went to religious classes until 2nd grade, so correct me if I`m wrong...but isn`t lying one of the sins they preach AGAINST?? Don`t you find it funny that you would have to lie to the church because of the lifestyle you choose to live?? What about all these 'rules' that you all are mentioning? Do you actually follow them, or is it 'OK' to bend the rules to fit your lifestyle?? It seems that is the norm...and that, to me, is being a hypocrite. Funny thing is, I consider myself a pretty decent person...probably more Christian than most Christians who attend church. I`m even a nurse!! But I don`t go to church...does that make me a bad person? No. Because I know a priest does not have to validate for me what is in my heart. So because neither me nor my fiance are able to follow 'the rules' of the catholic church, we have chosen to not get married in a church. But that isn`t important to us. You have to decide if it`s important to you. And what it means to you to follow your religious faith. Hope I don`t start a riot with this...just everyone please remember, these are my feelings...and not everyone thinks the same. :) JOY

bnjoyful...the religion debate...don`t mean to offend anyone

I can see where you are coming from...I take no offense, everyone is entitled to their own opinion. To be honest with you, we really dont know what we want. We really dont go to church often but I guess we are just trying to do the 'right' thing???? We are also thinking of our children in the future...although we are not very religious now, we would like to bring our children up as Catholic just as our parents did for us. And when they are adults - it's their decision...what happens if we have children and the church doesnt 'recognize' our marriage....I appreciate everyones feedback and opinions....THANK YOU

princessbride...

that is a tough question. Hopefully someone can give you an answer about that. I've thought about that too. I always thought, though, that you are able to get your children baptized and put them in classes even if you aren't a practicing catholic. I don't know what I am basing that on though!! That is thinking way in the future for me. I just want to get through my wedding!! Didn't you say you belong to a church?? Can't you ask them to answer all your questions? It seems like this is a serious moral and religious dilemma for you and you need to talk to someone who can answer your questions to your satisfaction. These are serious issues you are talking about...you need correct information so you can make an informed decision. Good luck to you. :) JOY

princessbride...

No, the Catholic church won't 'recognize' a marriage outside of the church. But what does that mean exactly? You can still bring your children up Catholic. My parents were married in City Hall but my brother and I were still baptized, confirmed, etc. Im being married in a Catholic Church b/c its important to my fiancee but I find the whole thing to be ridiculous. Why exactly can the pope have mass at Yankee Stadium but I can't have a small ceremony outside of a church? To me, it seems like its all about money. Not one of the many, many priests we spoke to cared about us at all. Some were nicer than others but it all boiled down to how much $$$ we were giving. I know there are wonderful priests out there but the rules of the church are often arbitrary and alienate the parishnors for no reason.

princessbride...

PrincessBride, I have gone through a lot of what you are going through with making a decision on where to get married. My FH and I really wanted a garden wedding and we really didn't like the idea that someone had to tell us where to get married. I did extensive research on this and you know what. It's not even a Catholic rule that you can't marry outside the Church, it's a Church rule. Go figure, right? With all the people leaving the Church, it makes you wonder why the Church does not change their ways to the ideas of today, 2002. I went to Catholic school, taught religion, and use to go to Mass every Sunday, so this was a hard decision for me to make. My FH is not so religious but grew up receiving all the sacraments. I just thought the whole thing was unfair - hey, if the Pope can say Mass at Shea Stadium, why can't a priest marry me in a garden which GOD created. It doesn't mean that it won't be holy - because the whole earth is holy. It doesn't mean that God won't be with us - because he is always with us. Also, I was getting disgusted because people who have been married for 20 years with 3 kids can get an annulment - like the marriage never happen. That's a bunch a bull - and the questions the Church makes you answer just to get that annulment is so humilating. Plus, the money factor. There are a lot of things that just turned me off from the Church that I've pulled myself away from going to Mass, which I have started to regret. But I don't regret my decision. What I am going to do is go speak to my priest at my Church - something that I should have done but was to afraid to say something to him about the way I was feeling - 'Catholic guilt'. I'd like to talk over my concerns with my priest and see what he says. He can't change my mind and my wedding is booked. In the meantime, I agree with Joy - you need to feel what's right - and do what you and FH want. Believe me, I got the guilt from his side of the family, since they are avid Church-goers. But in the end, it is your day. Also - I spoke to a retired priest and he said that the Church will not turn your children away to be baptize. Baptism is welcoming a new member of the Church in. They won't turn that away.

I`m starting to really appreciate my church!

I am getting married at St. Margaret of Scotland in Selden, the church I went to growing up. It only costs $450 for the use of the church. I think that it`s crazy that you have to get married in church, but you have to pay for it. But, that is one of the cheapest church fees I have heard of. I can take my flowers if I want. In fact, the church will let us know who else is getting married on that same day incase we all want to chip in for the church flowers to save money. No you-have-to-leave-the-flowers-as-a-donation rule. And the deacon who is marrying us never once asked us if, or how often, we go to church or whether we live together. He only made sure we realized that we need to look into getting Pre Cana taken care of in Maryland. Then again, I didn`t look for a fancy church or a certain priest. Just called the church my family has been going to since my parents got married.

I`m starting to really appreciate my church!

$450!!! I am getting married in Our Lady of Lourdes in Massapequa (where my FI is from) and we are only paying $250. $450 is ridiculous. I live in Selden also.

Cira

Does anyone know what it costs to get an annullment these days? Just curious. For some reason I think its in the thousands?

Here is what I think

This is a very, very personal decision that you and your future spouse need to make. In regards to the cost of getting married in the Church, why are some people complaining about $400 when we are all paying a lot more than that for our reception sites. In fact, almost every one of my vendors is more than the cost of my Church. And most, not all, Church fees include ceremony music. My band is making way more than that to play at the reception. The marriage ceremony is the most important of the whole day, in fact, it is THE reason for the day. And you can write it off on your taxes as a donation so it is not really that bad. Regardless of where you are married your children can be baptized in a Catholic Church. My brother and his girl friend are not even married and my nephew was Christianed without question. If in your heart you want an outdoor ceremony, then that is what you should do. It is really what means the most to you. A Mass can be said anywhere. Our Church does a beach sunset Mass every year. It is the sacraments that must be within the Church. So the Pope can and does say Mass in many locations, but First Communion is not given out in a Park. I am sorry that you are going through such a difficult decision. It must be very hard to know what is the right thing to do.

Cost...

The cost of the use of the church doesn't bother me much at all. Im spending much more on every other facet of my wedding and they do have bills to pay. The thing that does upset me is SOME churches will openly say that you must contribute 10% of your salary to their parish to be married there! That is plain extortion! When we called St. Patricks Cathedral about using their chapel, the priest told my Fiancee that he was '99% sure' we couldn't have our ceremony there b/c we were not 'friends of the church'. (He didn't ask us if we were church goers or devout Catholics either.) He just wanted us to a 'friend' .... I wonder how much friendship costs? What I have found after visiting more than 10 parishes is that every single one is very different. Some seem welcoming but are poorly run, some are very strict when it comes to church rules and some are only interested in making sure you bring a check! And costs vary from block to block - the church I had originally planned to use was $500 including the priest, music and church. Others were $1000 just for the use of the church. The one we have ultimately chosen is $450 for the church only.

Burst my Bubble, Denise!

You win! $250 is the lowest price that I have heard. I actually never lived in Selden. I live in Baltimore now, but grew up in Centereach right at its border with Selden. Around the block was another zip code! So the church in Selden is really close to my parents` house. Becky

Cost of an annulment IS in the thousands ...

and that's ridiculous. Plus the questions they ask you is CRAZY. FH's parents got annuled and they have 3 kids - I just don't understand that logic! Either does FH.

Burst my Bubble, Denise!

I just moved out there. I work in Manhattan and what a hike! I didn't mean to burst your bubble, I apologize if I was insensitive. I just can't believe what some of the churches charge. I realize they have things to pay too, but it use to be a donation. Now $450 is a good deal, some want a thousand! I just needed to vent. I am catholic but sometimes I wonder about the catholic church. Boy, I hope I don't start a holy war! We don't need another one right now.

So whats the deal if you DONT get married by the church...

Well just wait if you send your children to catholic school then you got local taxes which might bring ya a bus if your lucky then tutition and funds, and gifts to the church and fashion shows and mother's groups junk.. It's great, I know my parents paid about 4000, a year for me to go to catholic hs and I think it was worth every dollar but yet my FI HS in Philly, also catholic cost his family 10,000 that is crazy but hey he got into the Air Force Academy so I guess it didn't do him too wrong either..

Burst my Bubble, Denise!

There are some evil people on this board.Sinners! Don't you know it is a biblical injunction to tithe? Living together? Questioning the church? Some way to start a family. Is this the example you want to begin your family with? I think you should give the church whatever and then make a huge contribution for all the years you do- nothing hypocrates did nothing. AT least then when you tell your kids about your wedding you can hold your head up. Think nothing about paying a photographer 5k, band and dj 5k+, catering hall 20k+, florist 1-5k, etc,etc., But screw the church and the priest. Great value system you were raised in. God, I feel dirty just talking to people like you.

Burst my Bubble, Denise!

Oh give me a break! You are probably a crook just like the rest of them. First of all, my belief is that there should not be a price put on a marriage, so where do they get the right? I can see a donation of what you can AFFORD to give, but to turn people away becuase they can't afford the $1,000. And how do you know what I am paying for my band and Photo??? I feel dirty talking to you too! Get a life!

Bridal - Hope your post was a JOKE

I hope your post was a joke..If not your comments are rude and very uncalled for! I suppose you are the epitome of a 'good catholic' So do us 'sinners' all a favor and keep your narrow minded opinions to yourself