Some sad news= venting and new your help!!!!

OK...well I just wanted to say first off- thank you girls for always replying to my posts about FH and him being away and missing him. You girls are just soo supportive...more supportive than my friends!!

But this past weekend Fh and I have been talking. He told me that he WANTS to go to Iraq. And he has the chance to go. He said he wants to go because this is what he joined the Marine Corps for and he wants to be able to say he helped people and fought for his country. Well at first I was fine with this because he would be able to come home in probably August- a month before our wedding. Well on Thursday his commanding officer told him he would have to extend his time in the Marine Corps until Nov. if he wants to go to Iraq!!!!!!! Well his unit leaves for Iraq in March and comes back at the end of Oct. So he would be able to come home most likely Nov 1st 2008 or the first weekend in Nov.

Now that means we have to reschedule our wedding if he goes- most likely to Thanksgiving weekend. Because both my sisters go away to school so I cant ask them to come home the weekend before thanksgiving for a wedding and then again for thanksgiving you know. Plus we really dont want a winter wedding so right before christmas MIGHT be out= definitely not definite though as of yet. But we wont be able to go on our honeymoon until after christmas because of school which also stinks!!

But what do you girls think I should do? FH told me to tell him NO if I really dont want this. But I find it hard to tell him no in this situation. I am not hte one going to Iraq and I also dont want to hold him back from doing something he wants to do so badly...

ughh i really hate the Marine Corps sometimes!!!!
sorry this is soooo long!!

WOW catie that is a tough, tough decision. I do not know what I would do. He really wants to go and it is soooo honorable of him to want to help out over there. I would be sooo worried regardless of there being a wedding or not .... but you seem like such a strong couple, I know from your posts that this has not been easy on you .... and I think you have handled it sooo well ...

Whatever you decide, best of luck to you. Go with your heart

WOW that is tough...well is it a big deal for you to move it from september to november? if so let him know how you feel and see his reaction, dont set anything in stone but see if he would be upset he can't do what hes setting out to do

i am so sorry

CBCF you are always venting sooo sorry

I sayf this is something he really wants to do whats another month or so to move the wedding. Its all about compromise. You dont want to hold him back at all. Im sure the wedding can be arranged where everyone is happy.

I give you so much credit ., i know its hard.

This is a really tough one -- as said above.

IMO, tell him how you feel - and then leave the decision up to him. It seems as though you don't REALLY want him to go, but, you won't be mad or hold him back if he does. Also, find out the financial aspects of it -- will you lose a lot of money on deposits by doing this? Are your vendors all avaliable on another day? I think you should work everything out, and then come back to him with it.

I might get **** for this but i don't care.

I understand why you would find it hard to tell him No.
However... you two can't really make big important decisions like this without discussing and agreeing on the terms.

It is not fair for him to decide he's going, which means changing all your plans you had. Sure, a wedding can be rescheduled... but it's not just a party that he's putting off by going. He's putting your marriage on hold.

Also, I can understand his POV for wanting to go to Iraq. I really can... but there are so many wives, mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, and children and on and on who would do anything to have their loved ones HOME.
While his reasons for wanting to go are admirable... I also think they are a little selfish. He has a family here, a soon to be wife here, who he needs to think about.

The fact that he told you to tell him NO if you want to, means a lot. I do not think your FH is a selfish person, so please, don't think i'm talking badly of him or the troops who choose to go over. I'm not.

I just want you to realize that your feelings of negativitiy are valid. If you do not want him to go, I think you owe it to yourself, and the future of your relationship to at least voice that to him. I'd hate for him to go, and you resent him for it, or hold it against him without realizing it.

This is a tough situation, and none of us can tell you what to do. Just know, that whatever decision you make, you should make together, and we'll all be here to support you no matter what it is.

I'm sorry catie It is so important to be honest with him, you can tell him that you don't want him to go but you won't stop him from going if this is what his heart is set on. I do recommend purchasing wedding insurance, it covers expenses that would occur if your FH is deployed (I'm not trying to sell it to you, I just thought you might want to know)

omg, im so sorry catie! that must be so hard for the both of you to be going through this.. I can't even begin to imagine. I wish I could help with this, but I really don't know what to say to help ..

Is there a date available in november that your RH has open that FH will be back by?

are you ok with moving your date back?

and the most important question, are you ok with him going to iraq?

I have to admit that your FH is defiantly a very brave person, and we all are so grateful to have people like him in this world fighting for our country

wow that's tough, I agree with the other girls, talk to your FI tell him how you feel.

I think the important question to ask is whether he will resent you if he doesn't go....I mean I get that he wants to fight for his country...but your wedding is just as important

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Posted by bemyyoko

I might get **** for this but i don't care.

I understand why you would find it hard to tell him No.
However... you two can't really make big important decisions like this without discussing and agreeing on the terms.

It is not fair for him to decide he's going, which means changing all your plans you had. Sure, a wedding can be rescheduled... but it's not just a party that he's putting off by going. He's putting your marriage on hold.

Also, I can understand his POV for wanting to go to Iraq. I really can... but there are so many wives, mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, and children and on and on who would do anything to have their loved ones HOME.
While his reasons for wanting to go are admirable... I also think they are a little selfish. He has a family here, a soon to be wife here, who he needs to think about.

The fact that he told you to tell him NO if you want to, means a lot. I do not think your FH is a selfish person, so please, don't think i'm talking badly of him or the troops who choose to go over. I'm not.

I just want you to realize that your feelings of negativitiy are valid. If you do not want him to go, I think you owe it to yourself, and the future of your relationship to at least voice that to him. I'd hate for him to go, and you resent him for it, or hold it against him without realizing it.

This is a tough situation, and none of us can tell you what to do. Just know, that whatever decision you make, you should make together, and we'll all be here to support you no matter what it is.

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well said

first of all for you

i think you are a wonderful person for supporting him in his decision - i know that it is hard. . . but regret is something that can tear a relationship apart later down the road.

now to the wedding, i dont think you should have a problem pushing the date back BUT please know that the marines CAN keep him past his date. . .it has happened in the past and it will happen again. Also, you have to think about his mindset when he returns from war. Is he going to be able to be in front of all those people just three weeks after returning to 'civilian life'?

Can you talk to marines who have come back already? I think that you should really consider these factors in choosing your new date

we are all here for you!

This stinks!

I don't know how I feel about it, honestly. Originally I thought - 'well let him go...' but after reading Kerri's response, I am on the fence (it was well said Kerri!).

I just don't know. But of course, as everyone has said, honesty and openness are of the utmost importance.

ahhh tough situation....I would tell him not to go....isn't Bush pulling troops out anyways??

How long did he join the marine corps for??

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Posted by bemyyoko

I might get **** for this but i don't care.

I understand why you would find it hard to tell him No.
However... you two can't really make big important decisions like this without discussing and agreeing on the terms.

It is not fair for him to decide he's going, which means changing all your plans you had. Sure, a wedding can be rescheduled... but it's not just a party that he's putting off by going. He's putting your marriage on hold.

Also, I can understand his POV for wanting to go to Iraq. I really can... but there are so many wives, mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, and children and on and on who would do anything to have their loved ones HOME.
While his reasons for wanting to go are admirable... I also think they are a little selfish. He has a family here, a soon to be wife here, who he needs to think about.

The fact that he told you to tell him NO if you want to, means a lot. I do not think your FH is a selfish person, so please, don't think i'm talking badly of him or the troops who choose to go over. I'm not.

I just want you to realize that your feelings of negativitiy are valid. If you do not want him to go, I think you owe it to yourself, and the future of your relationship to at least voice that to him. I'd hate for him to go, and you resent him for it, or hold it against him without realizing it.

This is a tough situation, and none of us can tell you what to do. Just know, that whatever decision you make, you should make together, and we'll all be here to support you no matter what it is.

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I absolutely agree. I think you should talk to him, be honest, and come to the conclusion together. As Kerri mentioned, it is admirable of him to want to fight for his country, but he isn't deciding for one anymore, he is deciding for two. It is clear that you opinions way heavily on him and that is another good thing.

Bottom line, talk to him open and honestly about the way you feel

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Posted by ant n tilde

first of all for you

i think you are a wonderful person for supporting him in his decision - i know that it is hard. . . but regret is something that can tear a relationship apart later down the road.

now to the wedding, i dont think you should have a problem pushing the date back BUT please know that the marines CAN keep him past his date. . .it has happened in the past and it will happen again. Also, you have to think about his mindset when he returns from war. Is he going to be able to be in front of all those people just three weeks after returning to 'civilian life'?

Can you talk to marines who have come back already? I think that you should really consider these factors in choosing your new date

we are all here for you!

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Those are excellent points. One of my best friends came home from the war zone and was a wreck for months. I mean, he was 'okay' but didn't do well in crowds and things like that.
PTSD is a lot more common than I think people realize with this war. Most of us are so far removed from it...
War changes people. Not in a bad way, but it does. I personally believe that anyone who tells you otherwise is full of it.
I would discuss that with him as well.
Also, the same friend mentioned above was kept almost a year longer than his date. Once they are in the war zone, all bets are off as to when they come home.

here have some of these As someone who is w/ a former Marine I understand how their stong sense of duty to the Corps and country can be. I am lucky in that FH was finished w/ his time before I met him but after 9/11 we had to have a big talk bout him re-enlisting b/c he felt that he had a responsibility to be there and when they called to ask him to come back it was an ordeal. Hopefully he will understand he also has a duty to you now and take that into consideration with that decision.

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Posted by sassygirl9

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Posted by bemyyoko

I might get **** for this but i don't care.

I understand why you would find it hard to tell him No.
However... you two can't really make big important decisions like this without discussing and agreeing on the terms.

It is not fair for him to decide he's going, which means changing all your plans you had. Sure, a wedding can be rescheduled... but it's not just a party that he's putting off by going. He's putting your marriage on hold.

Also, I can understand his POV for wanting to go to Iraq. I really can... but there are so many wives, mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, and children and on and on who would do anything to have their loved ones HOME.
While his reasons for wanting to go are admirable... I also think they are a little selfish. He has a family here, a soon to be wife here, who he needs to think about.

The fact that he told you to tell him NO if you want to, means a lot. I do not think your FH is a selfish person, so please, don't think i'm talking badly of him or the troops who choose to go over. I'm not.

I just want you to realize that your feelings of negativitiy are valid. If you do not want him to go, I think you owe it to yourself, and the future of your relationship to at least voice that to him. I'd hate for him to go, and you resent him for it, or hold it against him without realizing it.

This is a tough situation, and none of us can tell you what to do. Just know, that whatever decision you make, you should make together, and we'll all be here to support you no matter what it is.

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well said

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Yes, very well said and as a mother whose son was in Iraq please tell him to STAY HOME!!!!!!!

Sorry I know I am always venting about this- but it seems as if you girls are the only ones I can talk to about this- my other friends dont seem to want to hear about it or hear me ask them for help or advice 'forlorn:

1st- THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR HELP AND SUPPORT!!! I appreciate everyone's comments and Kerri please dont feel you would get **** for what you said!! I completely understand your view. And I know you arent saying FH is selfish or anything. But I also dont want to be selfish either. I dont want FH to regret not going to Iraq. But I dont want him or I regreting changing our wedding. I know it is only a date and we can push it back. We have talked about it already. And I will be calling our vendors today and tomorrow to ask about open dates. But I wanted to see what all you ladies would do. And kerri Chris (my FH) even said what yuo said- he understands it isnt just him anymore and he has to think about me and that is why this is so hard on him. And i feel bad I am making it hard on him because I told him I kinda dont want him to go mostly for safety reason whether there was a wedding or not I would be worried. But I also dont want to hold him back. And he keeps saying but you have to help me decide because you will be my wife...ughh this is soo hard!!!

2nd- Matilde I understand what you are saying as well. Yes war changes people and sometimes not always for the better. And FH and I have talked about that as well. And it worries us but sometimes it seems this is the last of our problems since he has alot of friends who came back from going to Iraq 2 or 3 times and do not have all of the symptoms others soldiers have= but it is all relevent. AND I KNOW ABOUT REGRET!! That is one thing we are worried about we both dont want to regret anything. And I even told him it kinda is a lose lose situation. If he goes I'll be sad but if he doesnt I will feel like I held him back just because of a wedding.

this *****!!!

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Posted by Super2star

ahhh tough situation....I would tell him not to go....isn't Bush pulling troops out anyways??

How long did he join the marine corps for??

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he joined for 4 years so his time is technically over July 25th 2008. But if he goes to Iraq he has to extend to Oct 25th 2008.

Bush will be withdrawing troops but hte unit FH is in is Recon (which is like the Navy Seals) and they will be going to Iraq for a very long time no matter if troops are withdrawn or not...unfortunately so his unit is still going