Spinoff of Kathy's Poll: Similar situation - cheating husbands, bachelor parties, & secrets...LONG

Original post by JimmysBride

Jan 28, 2005 10:01 AM

When my DH went away for his Bachelor Party, he did something somewhat 'questionable' as some of you might remember. Well, that's not what this is about. My DH came right out and told me what he did, which I appreciated. However, his behavior was very out of character for him and it made me wonder what else went on at that BP.

So, yeah, I admit it! I did it -- I called my little brother who was also in attendance and threatened to pummel him if he didn't dish ALL the dirt of that weekend and sure enough, he sang like a canary.

Now, I don't know for a fact that my brother told me EVERYTHING but he did tell me that my cousin's DH of 4 yrs, our Best Man, made out with some chick in this hotel room. In my book, that constitutes cheating. Not only was I furious at the BM, I was upset that DH did not tell me this. After his 'questionable' behavior admission, he told me he had told me everything there was to know about the BP.

But I was honest and told DH that I pryed my little brother for any extra dirt and I asked DH if there was anything else he wanted to tell me. And to this day, he still says no. So I have not told him that I know about our BMs indiscretions (I kinda promised my brother too). I also have not told ANYONE else, including his wife, my cousin, with whom he has 2 kids.

I know this would cause a world of hurt and problems for them. Why would I want to be the cause of that? My cousin would probably turn on me, and her DH would definitely turn on MY DH. My DH would be furious with ME for telling also. He would lose a friend too. BUT... she is my cousin and we are close, and he did wrong her. I decided this is way too ugly and I am staying way way out of it.

But... it still bugs me a little that DH has still never told me about this incident. It makes me think that he actually holds to that mysterious 'man code of ethics' that I know is out there.

Anyway, would you speak up in this situation?

violet Posted: Jan 28, 2005 03:02 PM

Re: Spinoff of Kathy's Poll: Similar situation - cheating husbands, bachelor parties, & secrets...LONG

Haha, it doesn't make your argument any better by saying 'that's what the girls want you to do, it's how they make money'. It doesn't matter what the girls want you to do, you choose what you do.

But strip clubs are associated with men having fun for their bachelor parties, and that's fine. As long as it's not a common occurrence. I've gone with my husband once or twice. It can just be plain fun.

Okay I just saw the comment made above was because you thought she was saying it's disrespectful to the strippers. I was going to say, it doesn't matter if they expect you to look at them.

Karacg Posted: Jan 28, 2005 03:02 PM

Re: Spinoff of Kathy's Poll: Similar situation - cheating husbands, bachelor parties, & secrets...LONG

As far as strippers -- at least I know DH can't get any more than a lap dance from them!!

I would be more concerned about the drunken bar nights with drunken girls around who just may be willing to - you - know - whatever. Most of us have been there at one time or another, haven't we?

Sassyz75 Posted: Jan 28, 2005 03:07 PM

Re: Spinoff of Kathy's Poll: Similar situation - cheating husbands, bachelor parties, & secrets...LONG

We all have our limits and what we feel is acceptable in a relationship...

If my husband got a lap dance I would be pissed- he doesn't need to get a boner from another LIVE woman (TV/movie is different)- I don't appreciate it...

I would NEVER disrespect my DH in that way.

RedHead Posted: Jan 28, 2005 03:08 PM

Re: Spinoff of Kathy's Poll: Similar situation - cheating husbands, bachelor parties, & secrets...LONG

Posted by Karacg

As far as strippers -- at least I know DH can't get any more than a lap dance from them!!

I would be more concerned about the drunken bar nights with drunken girls around who just may be willing to - you - know - whatever. Most of us have been there at one time or another, haven't we?

i don't think i would be worried about either...if you trust your husband there is no need to worry about strippers, ogling, or drunkin nights

don424 Posted: Jan 28, 2005 03:08 PM

Re: Spinoff of Kathy's Poll: Similar situation - cheating husbands, bachelor parties, & secrets...LONG

Posted by Sassyz75

We all have our limits and what we feel is acceptable in a relationship...

If my husband got a lap dance I would be pissed- he doesn't need to get a boner from another LIVE woman (TV/movie is different)- I don't appreciate it...

I would NEVER disrespect my DH in that way.

well that's your deal and i respect that opinion

june262004 Posted: Jan 28, 2005 03:09 PM

Re: Spinoff of Kathy's Poll: Similar situation - cheating husbands, bachelor parties, & secrets...LONG

If you tell your DH You can't have a B party That will make him think (and I think) I dont trust you so i am going to do it. Are you his mother or his FW

violet Posted: Jan 28, 2005 03:11 PM

Re: Spinoff of Kathy's Poll: Similar situation - cheating husbands, bachelor parties, & secrets...LONG

I don't think she ever said she didn't allow him to have a bachelor party.

People are allowed to be opposed to their men going to strip clubs. Some people have issues with that. The practice is pretty archaic.

Karacg Posted: Jan 28, 2005 03:13 PM

Re: Spinoff of Kathy's Poll: Similar situation - cheating husbands, bachelor parties, & secrets...LONG

Posted by oct.2004bride

Posted by Karacg

As far as strippers -- at least I know DH can't get any more than a lap dance from them!!

I would be more concerned about the drunken bar nights with drunken girls around who just may be willing to - you - know - whatever. Most of us have been there at one time or another, haven't we?

i don't think i would be worried about either...if you trust your husband there is no need to worry about strippers, ogling, or drunkin nights

Oh I trust MY DH....I was just speaking in general terms. I know he got lap dances after his divorce, paid for by his boss (CFO of Calvin Klein) when they had golf trips together. But since he's with me, he hasn't had any more. Doesn't hurt that they don't have those trips anymore !! LOL...
I'd trust him drunk in a bar too.

Sassyz75 Posted: Jan 28, 2005 03:35 PM

Re: Spinoff of Kathy's Poll: Similar situation - cheating husbands, bachelor parties, & secrets...LONG

Posted by june262004

If you tell your DH You can't have a B party That will make him think (and I think) I dont trust you so i am going to do it. Are you his mother or his FW

He was able to have one- he didn't b/c his friends are all out of town and no one got it together to come up to take him out..

And why does a B party = strippers & naked women?

why can't it be going to a bar and a restaurant...

It's not a trust issue- it is a RESPECT issue- I respect my DH so when I go out dancing with my girlfriends I would never dance and grind with another man.. which is, in essence, like a lap dance (without nudity)...

amy&anthony Posted: Jan 29, 2005 04:35 PM

Re: Spinoff of Kathy's Poll: Similar situation - cheating husbands, bachelor parties, & secrets...LONG

Well I dont see the need for bachelor parties or bachelorette parties involving strippers.. I dont see why they group cant go out and have fun doing something else...

The reason it bothers me so much is I do hear so many stories of strippers being paid to have sex and get a BJ and I know many of the grooms are pushed to do it by their so called drunkin friends...

I KNOW my FH will have a stripper, not becuase he cares but because his brother and his best man are PARTY animals and the whole group is DRINKERS... etc... It worries me a little bit. I trust him and I KNOW he would never do anything sober, but if they get him SMASHED... I dont know... Ive seen him DRUNK and he doesnt know one thing from another... I know the group has done it before.. Hes been to parties with strippers etc, he swore he never did anything but when its his night I can see the guys pushing him for 'one last time'

The whole thing just distrubs me and Im sure I will feel stick to my stomache all night... knowing I wouldnt be happy with any of it. JMHO :)

kdelace Posted: Jan 29, 2005 07:32 PM

Re: Spinoff of Kathy's Poll: Similar situation - cheating husbands, bachelor parties, & secrets...LONG

it all depends on the guy- personally I don't care if guys have bachelor parties and I would never forbid someone, my husband had gone to New Orleans for the weekend.

but on the other side, bachelor parties do get out of hand- sometimes whether the groom to be likes it or not.
I bartended a bachelor party once and oh my god what went on was unbelievable.. half of the guys were totally into this stripper and ogling her etc. and the other half were standing near the bar, talking to me and ignoring the whole thing.

OctGroom Posted: Jan 31, 2005 08:59 AM

Re: Spinoff of Kathy's Poll: Similar situation - cheating husbands, bachelor parties, & secrets...LONG

Just my 2 cents...

My DW is going to a Bachelorette party this weekend and there's gonna be male strippers.
My reaction -- 'Have a good time, Honey.'

I know & trust her completely.

nferrandi Posted: Jan 31, 2005 12:31 PM

Re: Spinoff of Kathy's Poll: Similar situation - cheating husbands, bachelor parties, & secrets...LONG

Getting back to the original question, I wouldn't tell your cousin what you know. #1, you don't want to be held responsible for the damage that will be caused — to their marriage, to your relationship with your cousin, to your DH's relationship with the BM and worst of all, your relationship with your own DH. There's too much to lose. #2, I am by no means condoning his behavior, but it may have been just a stupid drunken mistake. does that make it ok, of course not. But is it worth breaking up a marriage over, probably not.

SeptWed Posted: Feb 01, 2005 09:36 AM

Re: Spinoff of Kathy's Poll: Similar situation - cheating husbands, bachelor parties, & secrets...LONG

I would only tell my cousin if he had sex with the person because i would worry about her health. Kissing, i would stay away from. Some woman don't consider kissing cheating and a lot would not end their marriage over it so i would let it go. If he is a cheater he will do more things again that are worse then kissing.

lillian771 Posted: Feb 01, 2005 04:17 PM

Re: Spinoff of Kathy's Poll: Similar situation - cheating husbands, bachelor parties, & secrets...LONG

I answered #4 because its closest to what I would probably do. I think I would have a hard time not telling DH, even if I really wanted to keep it a secret I think my rage would get the best of me. However, I don't think I would make DH speak to the BM about it. Its not a good situation, but I think it needs to be left alone.

mishandgerard Posted: Feb 01, 2005 07:46 PM

Re: Spinoff of Kathy's Poll: Similar situation - cheating husbands, bachelor parties, & secrets...LONG

First of all I do not think that these things should even occur. Second, if they do by all means should be dealt with immediately. Not way in the future where we stand today two kids later. The impact of telling the family now would be more detrimental now, then when the incident happened, especially since he kept it from her for so long.

mish