spinoff to 'If you knew your unborn child would be disabled...'

for all you ladies who said yes you would abort....I have a question

What would you do if you had a child who was born without a disability but developed one as they were growing up? There are a lot of disabilities that are not detectable or even present at birth but develop over time while the child is still young.

Just wondering how you would feel in this situation and what you would do?

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Posted by Goldi1021

I would pool all of my many resources and advocate for my child to the best of my ability. There really is no other answer.

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exactly....

what did you expect us to say?...that we would kill our child?

WHY would you single out the people who said they would abort a fetus...?

I am actually offended by this!

ummm....I'd sue the begeebees outta my doctors, and the hospital where I delivered, and put the kid up for adoption!!

whatdaya think!!???



this is where I'd quote Goldi, but I don't know how to stick the quote in after I've already started typing!

Im offended by this too...

I didnt post on the thread about what would you do, because its a sore subject for me, I get heated because I could never ever abort a baby just because they were less then perfect...BUT....OF COURSE there are people that would, and that does NOT make them wrong, or bad, or anything but HUMAN....We can never ever understand why someone would make that decision, but its THEIR decision to make, and there is no-one but God that can judge them....and to single them out in this way is very very unfair. And before you say you were just 'asking' ..you werent...you were trying to twist the situation around. If your SOOO curious, why not ask people if maybe they dont neccesarily feel attachment to a baby not born yet versus a child they have set their eyes on etc..and try to UNDERSTAND their views???

Your question was aimed at making them looking foolish or like bad people. Thats not what the original thread was about. It was about opinions on a subject that a tough one to debate, yet somehow we managed to do it , without attacking each others views or personal opinions/feelings.. UNTILL NOW.

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Posted by dm24angel

Im offended by this too...

I didnt post on the thread about what would you do, because its a sore subject for me, I get heated because I could never ever abort a baby just because they were less then perfect...BUT....OF COURSE there are people that would, and that does NOT make them wrong, or bad, or anything but HUMAN....We can never ever understand why someone would make that decision, but its THEIR decision to make, and there is no-one but God that can judge them....and to single them out in this way is very very unfair. And before you say you were just 'asking' ..you werent...you were trying to twist the situation around. If your SOOO curious, why not ask people if maybe they dont neccesarily feel attachment to a baby not born yet versus a child they have set their eyes on etc..and try to UNDERSTAND their views???

Your question was aimed at making them looking foolish or like bad people. Thats not what the original thread was about. It was about opinions on a subject that a tough one to debate, yet somehow we managed to do it , without attacking each others views or personal opinions/feelings.. UNTILL NOW.

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wow....i'm never crossing you donna

THAT other thread was a hypothtical about if you were ABLE to know (NOT BEST GUESS) that your child was disabled...IN FACT it wasn't even clear what was meant as far as disabled....

We answered as such...IF WE KNEW the child we were carrying WAS IN FACT DISABLED!

FOR you to make ANY COMPARISON to a LIVING HUMAN BEING...AND WHAT WE WOULD DO IS COMPLETELY OURAGEOUS!

FOR you to compare a hypothetical fetus that we KNOW is going to be disabled...to a Hypothetical HUMAN BEING...OUR LIVING CHILD BEING DISABLED...IS SILLY!

AND WHY WOULD YOU ASK JUST US?

I would thik you would ask that to EVERYONE...!

WHY did you decide to single out the ones who would abort? To make them feel stupid? To make them think 'oh well the test could be normal...but your child may become disabled later?'

ANYONE AND EVERYONE can become disabled at any given moment! OF COURSE our answers would be different!

AGAIN... I AM COMPLETELY DISGUSTED

i dont think she meant it in a mean way, but i could be wrong.. i just interpreted it as... the people who said that they didnt think they *could handle* that situation... what would they do to overcome that maybe?

if i found out i was pregnant with a child with a SEVERE disability, i think i would abort, BUT if it happened later in life, then i would do as goldi said and research the disability to no end, find the best doctors... it would undoubtably become the highest priority in my life to find every way possible to make their life as healthy and 'easy' as possible.

My uncle is autistic, and he wasnt born that way (they dont think). He was born in '74 and really, they hardly knew anything about it. they didnt start seeing signs of anything being wrong until he was in kindergarten. They think that it may have been because he was born premature and when he was only a month or so old, my mom and her other 2 brothers had the chicken pox- the think that he may have caught it and it caused the defect, but like i said- they didnt know much about it then. My grandmother became one of the biggest advocates for autism, raising awareness, and pretty much being involved in every way that she possibly could. Eventually, my uncle (though he is extremely high functioning) required more care an observation than my grandparents could offer him (also, my grandmother herself was very ill, and needed to know that James would be okay after she was gone). They researched and found MaryHaven (in Port Jeff) to be one of the best places in the state (and seriously, in the country if you ask me). they would visit him at least a few times a month (my grandfather still does), and would always bring things out for all the other residents in the house. Seriously, they became like the House parents. You would not believe how many of the parents there just dropped their kids off, and would *sometimes* visit them for holidays or whatever. I guess to them it was too much of a burden. And i kind of feel like this is what she meant by that question.

i know it seems logical that its your child, you would do everything imaginable to give them the best care, no matter what their condition. But i wonder how many of the parents of the kids in that house thought the same thing until they were faced with the reality of it. Honestly, i dont think high of those parents (and i dont mean to be judgemental), but Yes, this place offers them a much better quality of life than they would ever have in a 'normal everyday setting' but its not a dumping ground either. And i really could never just dump my child onto someone else just b/c i didnt think 'i could handle it'. Sh!t happens, get over it and face it like an adult. My grandmother never looked at her child as a burden, it was her Son. i feel like people look at it like its a burden... not a PERSON.

ok, i went off on a tangent... so anyway, my answer is that i would be the person, and mother, that my child needed me to be... and nothing short of that.

Well i work in a developmental disablilites facility that has over 350 people of whom we talk about...

the original question was VERY non-specific..So it was really hard to answer...and we answered onour own terms

the range of disabillities out there is EXTREMELY WIDE....
MY facility has all the mental illnesses imaginable and profound-mildly retarded..as well as other physical and duel diagnosed illnesses....

I can't tell you HOW MANY parents have told me they believe in abortion...and for ones that are living great lives! Ones i were completely shocked to hear that about!

It isn't about the parents burden at all...they are fearful for their child! They are terrified what will happen to them when they die!

Some are in constant fear about how their child is!

and i am sorry neenie....but i reall felt offendedby this thread!

WHY would you pick only the people who said they would abort?

I thin stated appropriately..this is a question for ALL...

Was this supposed to be about opening our eyes to what could be?
Because that really wasn't what the original thread was about...it wasn't about possible outcomes..it was about FACTUAL outcomes! So it was answered as such.

IF the original question was...what if you knew there was the POSSIBILITY of your child being disabled....well that is COMPLETELY different ENTIRELY and i think you would even get COMPLETELY different responses...AND THEN MAYBE this thread would be applicable...
BUT IMO...THIS thread isn't !

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Posted by RedHead
It isn't about the parents burden at all...they are fearful for their child! They are terrified what will happen to them when they die!

Some are in constant fear about how their child is!

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Red... i totally agree about them being fearful for their child, and what would happen when they die. That was my grandmothers biggest worry. They got to the point where they just could not give James the full time care that he needed, and Mary Haven was like a godsend... seriously The results in him are nothing short of amazing since the time he went there until now. His medication is stable (he builds a quick immunity, so they have to change it so often) and where he is, they dont have to wait for something really bad to happen to realize that its time to change it. I worked there for a while too... and i may not have worded it as best as i wanted to before... but what i meant was that Yes some parents were there as much as they could be and wanted to see their kids, BUT there were (unfortunately) Many more parents that couldnt find the time to make it there, and when they did, you could see that they felt burdened. And those kids were the ones that would cling on to the other parents that came all the time- they may not have been high functioning, but they could still sense what was missing, and it seriously broke my heart. thats what i was trying to say before

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Posted by neeniebean86

Red... i totally agree about them being fearful for their child, and what would happen when they die. That was my grandmothers biggest worry. They got to the point where they just could not give James the full time care that he needed, and Mary Haven was like a godsend... seriously The results in him are nothing short of amazing since the time he went there until now. His medication is stable (he builds a quick immunity, so they have to change it so often) and where he is, they dont have to wait for something really bad to happen to realize that its time to change it. I worked there for a while too... and i may not have worded it as best as i wanted to before... but what i meant was that Yes some parents were there as much as they could be and wanted to see their kids, BUT there were (unfortunately) Many more parents that couldnt find the time to make it there, and when they did, you could see that they felt burdened. And those kids were the ones that would cling on to the other parents that came all the time- they may not have been high functioning, but they could still sense what was missing, and it seriously broke my heart. thats what i was trying to say before

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i know Maryhaven well actually..! And i totally know exactly what you are taling about!

We have all sorts of parents...good and bad! Sooo many different situations and issues...It is heartbreaking!

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Posted by Goldi1021

Some of the parents have the means by which to set up their kids for life after they are gone and other parents lack the skills enough to prioritize buying cigarettes vs. washing their kids underwear at the laundromat. It is the children of these parent's that I worry about. What will happen to them?

Some will end up on the street, some will end up in jail and some will end up dead. It is a hard fact of life. Even in the best of situations with plenty of money, this can happen.

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so true...

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Posted by MrsERod

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Posted by Goldi1021

Some of the parents have the means by which to set up their kids for life after they are gone and other parents lack the skills enough to prioritize buying cigarettes vs. washing their kids underwear at the laundromat. It is the children of these parent's that I worry about. What will happen to them?

Some will end up on the street, some will end up in jail and some will end up dead. It is a hard fact of life. Even in the best of situations with plenty of money, this can happen.

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so true...

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true and from what i have seen..MORE often the case than NOT!
MOST of the homeless and people we consider to be bums are in fact disabled!

i must agree.....

what do you think we would do?!
put the child up for adoption?

what kind of answers were expected from this post?!

i mean c'mon!

it might be to late to apologize but in no way shape of form did I mean to offend anyone. The reason I asked is because I know someone who is in a situation. She has a son who was just diagnosed as autistic and he is rather low functioning. She had said to me that if I had known that this would be his life I would have aborted him. I was dumbfounded to say the least and tried to explain to her about the options she had and the developments being made in the autism field.

The reason I asked was because I wanted to know what other people who felt the way she did about aborting the child had she known would do.

I didnt mean to single out anyone and apologize that I did. In fact I think it is very brave and rather honorable of people to say they would abort (even though I don't agree) It takes a lot of strength and character to make that decision.

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Posted by lolita4life

i must agree.....

what do you think we would do?!
put the child up for adoption?

what kind of answers were expected from this post?!

i mean c'mon!

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you hear about parents that leave the child and don't come back. it maybe a hard life but i would never leave a child with a disability. you need to show them love

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Posted by elyssa222

The reason I asked was because I wanted to know what other people who felt the way she did about aborting the child had she known would do.

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I think that most people on here - whether we said we would abort a fetus we knew to be disabled or not - would say the same thing. That is it's your child and you love him or her no matter what. It's your job and your responsibility to take care of him or her no matter what and to make their existence as comfortable and as easy as possible. I believe that's a parent's role whether the child is healthy or not.

I'm a little concerned that those who are staunchly pro-life are ganging up on those of us who said we would abort. I think finding out your fetus will be disabled is an extreme situation, and a very special case, and one of the very few circumstances for which I would choose to terminate the pregnancy. Of course it would be the most difficult situation I ever had to make in my life--and I dearly hope that I will never be faced with it. But we're talking about a child facing a lifetime of pain and suffering, and I would do anything in my power to prevent that.

What is your friend doing? It sounds like she's depressed with the situation - and rightly so. It's probably easier for her to speculate on what she 'would've done' than for her to deal with what she has yet to come at this point. But I'm sure she loves her child with all of heart and will find the strength to care for him to the best of her ability. to her and her child!! and to you also...you're going to need to be a great friend to help her through this!