the wedding is in 2 weeks and im not talking to the groom!

(Newbie, first post, hello all!)

I really want to know WHY you feel the groomsman planned this as a personal attack against you. I agree with the other girls who said there must be something deeper, but I think it must have to do with this particular friend, not necessarily FH... I have a similar 'lack of harmony' for lack of a better work with some of FH's friends and anticipate some odd times ahead if things don't improve and some things that would otherwise be seen as just 'boys being boys' may have more of a malicious purpose behind some of these types of situations, especially when the boys resist the idea of their buddy getting married so much... It's really hard to tell whether something is a normal thing or if it's the guys trying to drive a wedge between the happy couple. So there may be more to the story that would justify and explain how you're feeling about the whole thing, that may clear things up for everyone to understand. I hope you will come back and explain and not shy away because no one posted the answer you were probably looking for.
I wouldn't be comfortable with the strip club thing either but I'll get over that by hopefully having my bachelorette party the same night and distracting myself, but it wouldn't ever push me to email the guy directly. As much as these friends of his can piss me off, it's between my guy and them, if I were to involve myself in that it would only make things worse. Hopefully there's still time to fix this, I'd start doing damage control now.

WOW just wow.

I definitely think you are out of line to e-mail HIS friend and HIS GM and tell him he is out of the wedding. His choice in who is part of his side of the BP is not up to you. You have crossed a line with that one.

As far as sabotaging your relationship by taking him to a strip club....um sorry but thats one you are going to need to sort of get over. Men do it, some dont. You dont have to like strip clubs~and you can be upset that HE went to one against what you wanted but other then that you cant take his friends actions as something against you. As someone else said he CHOSE to go, he could have been a big boy and said no I dont want to go for whatever reason but he went anyway.

I dont know why you would think he would choose his friend over you~he wants to marry you obviously and if that wasnt the case you wouldnt have gotten engaged and you wouldnt be planning a wedding. You are just unhappy that he went to the strip club.

If you are considering calling off your wedding b/c of this GM maybe you arent ready to get married. There are going to be alot of people who you arent going to like that are FHs friends, aquaintances, co-workers but you have to learn to deal with it. There are going to be fights, arguments and FH/YOU will go against each others wishes many times thru out the years and him going to strip club IMHO is not really a reason to end something that was not long ago your future.

JMO

ETA:I dont care if DH goes to a strip club, I know at the end of the night he is still coming home to me. Lap dances....pfft who cares? I dont. I know everyone has their own opinion on this but I really think that if your issue is with the strip club/this GM maybe the issue is that you dont trust your FH with this GM.

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Posted by PegaLega

WOW just wow.

I definitely think you are out of line to e-mail HIS friend and HIS GM and tell him he is out of the wedding. His choice in who is part of his side of the BP is not up to you. You have crossed a line with that one.

As far as sabotaging your relationship by taking him to a strip club....um sorry but thats one you are going to need to sort of get over. Men do it, some dont. You dont have to like strip clubs~and you can be upset that HE went to one against what you wanted but other then that you cant take his friends actions as something against you. As someone else said he CHOSE to go, he could have been a big boy and said no I dont want to go for whatever reason but he went anyway.

I dont know why you would think he would choose his friend over you~he wants to marry you obviously and if that wasnt the case you wouldnt have gotten engaged and you wouldnt be planning a wedding. You are just unhappy that he went to the strip club.

If you are considering calling off your wedding b/c of this GM maybe you arent ready to get married. There are going to be alot of people who you arent going to like that are FHs friends, aquaintances, co-workers but you have to learn to deal with it. There are going to be fights, arguments and FH/YOU will go against each others wishes many times thru out the years and him going to strip club IMHO is not really a reason to end something that was not long ago your future.

JMO

ETA:I dont care if DH goes to a strip club, I know at the end of the night he is still coming home to me. Lap dances....pfft who cares? I dont. I know everyone has their own opinion on this but I really think that if your issue is with the strip club/this GM maybe the issue is that you dont trust your FH with this GM.

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ITA...it really does come down to a trust issue...if you dont trust him, then you are going to have problems before you start!

BTW, I'm just wondering as we all spout our advice and argue over men going to strip clubs...where is FitchC...the one who is worried about her wedding not happening!!??!!?? Without her, we really won't know the whole story...just a thought.

I really hope that they will be able to work things out but like i said before, if you don't have trust, you don't have anything.

JMHO

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Posted by jennarose023


ITA...it really does come down to a trust issue...if you dont trust him, then you are going to have problems before you start!

BTW, I'm just wondering as we all spout our advice and argue over men going to strip clubs...where is FitchC...the one who is worried about her wedding not happening!!??!!?? Without her, we really won't know the whole story...just a thought.

I really hope that they will be able to work things out but like i said before, if you don't have trust, you don't have anything.

JMHO

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Wow I was just thinking this, where is she? I am curious to her response to our questions.

Oh boy I read this whole thing thiking WWDH do?

I can tell you 100% if I had done that over a strip club visit, DH would've cancelled the wedding outright. Aside from the low level of trust it speaks to, realize that NO ONE likes being issued an ultimatum, myself included. Frankly, that's a tacit challenge: 'DO WHAT I WANT OR ELSE'!!!

So this close to the wedding, I'd be thinking... 'Hmmm, do I want to spend the rest of my life under his/her thumb? No!!! So I'll take the 'what else' while I still have a choice!'

I hope it all works out, but my advice would be to contact the GM, acknowledge you were out of line to do that, and attribute the email firing to bridebrain. Let your FH know you did that, and make a plan for the two of you to talk. Way more than a wedding is at stake here, frankly, so it makes sense to clear the air a little bit!!!

Good luck!!!

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Posted by stinenandy2010

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Posted by jennarose023


ITA...it really does come down to a trust issue...if you dont trust him, then you are going to have problems before you start!

BTW, I'm just wondering as we all spout our advice and argue over men going to strip clubs...where is FitchC...the one who is worried about her wedding not happening!!??!!?? Without her, we really won't know the whole story...just a thought.

I really hope that they will be able to work things out but like i said before, if you don't have trust, you don't have anything.

JMHO

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Wow I was just thinking this, where is she? I am curious to her response to our questions.

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My point exactly!

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Posted by Nurse12985

We have an agreement no strippers at parties/ in our lives. I have declined other friends parties because strippers were there. Some people think were being stupid but we have our reasons.

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IMHO i don't think is really about the stippers...

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Posted by jennarose023

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Posted by stinenandy2010

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Posted by jennarose023


ITA...it really does come down to a trust issue...if you dont trust him, then you are going to have problems before you start!

BTW, I'm just wondering as we all spout our advice and argue over men going to strip clubs...where is FitchC...the one who is worried about her wedding not happening!!??!!?? Without her, we really won't know the whole story...just a thought.

I really hope that they will be able to work things out but like i said before, if you don't have trust, you don't have anything.

JMHO

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Wow I was just thinking this, where is she? I am curious to her response to our questions.

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My point exactly!

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I think she is on the 09 boards...

Can I just say I think we are all being a little too hard on the Bride to Be? The wedding is in 2 weeks, and alot of brides feel the pressure coming on and can do things that are a little nuts. Sure, she overreacted, but post after post calling her out on it isn't going to help.

I disagree with your actions, and now it's time to remedy the situation. If you want to stop this from spiraling out of control - and if you do want to marry FH (realizing that this groomsman you dislike will ALWAYS be a part of your life) this is what I recommend:

First - call FH and tell him you are sorry for over reacting. Tell him you love him, and you trust in his love for you. Tell him that while you dislike his friend, it is HIS friend, and you will just have to agree to disagree. Tell him you still love him and want to spend the rest of your life with him, and hope he can forgive you for freaking out. tell him about the e-mail you sent his friend (if he doesn't already know) and say you are sorry for doing it and are going to fix it.

Second - write another e-mail to this groomsman telling him that you are sorry for over reacting. Tell him you realize that he is someone your FH loves, and you would like to put all of your differences aside to have a happy wedding.

Third - don't do any of this if you don't mean it. If you truly hate this groomsman and feel you were right to go behind FH's back and dismiss his friend, you are not ready to be getting married.

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Posted by TheLadyJ

Can I just say I think we are all being a little too hard on the Bride to Be? The wedding is in 2 weeks, and alot of brides feel the pressure coming on and can do things that are a little nuts. Sure, she overreacted, but post after post calling her out on it isn't going to help.

I disagree with your actions, and now it's time to remedy the situation. If you want to stop this from spiraling out of control - and if you do want to marry FH (realizing that this groomsman you dislike will ALWAYS be a part of your life) this is what I recommend:

First - call FH and tell him you are sorry for over reacting. Tell him you love him, and you trust in his love for you. Tell him that while you dislike his friend, it is HIS friend, and you will just have to agree to disagree. Tell him you still love him and want to spend the rest of your life with him, and hope he can forgive you for freaking out. tell him about the e-mail you sent his friend (if he doesn't already know) and say you are sorry for doing it and are going to fix it.

Second - write another e-mail to this groomsman telling him that you are sorry for over reacting. Tell him you realize that he is someone your FH loves, and you would like to put all of your differences aside to have a happy wedding.

Third - don't do any of this if you don't mean it. If you truly hate this groomsman and feel you were right to go behind FH's back and dismiss his friend, you are not ready to be getting married.

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very sound advice!

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Posted by Nurse12985

We have an agreement no strippers at parties/ in our lives. I have declined other friends parties because strippers were there. Some people think were being stupid but we have our reasons.

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I don't think that's stupid at all, in fact you sort of prove the point here - you BOTH agreed to this as a choice, you're in alignment on it! Its not a power play or a clash of wills -- you and FH made a choice TOGETHER that this is what you both want and that's great.

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Posted by stinenandy2010

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Posted by jennarose023


ITA...it really does come down to a trust issue...if you dont trust him, then you are going to have problems before you start!

BTW, I'm just wondering as we all spout our advice and argue over men going to strip clubs...where is FitchC...the one who is worried about her wedding not happening!!??!!?? Without her, we really won't know the whole story...just a thought.

I really hope that they will be able to work things out but like i said before, if you don't have trust, you don't have anything.

JMHO

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Wow I was just thinking this, where is she? I am curious to her response to our questions.

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She hasn't answered in '08 either. Maybe she's at work.

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Posted by KKPK1004

nm

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hey---your pic looks familiar---weren't you on the 08 board under a different name?

Reposted from what I wrote on 08-

I am guessing here that the strip club was for the bachelor party?
If you are going to be married to this man then understand you will be tolerating all his family and friends too- It is not easy as it seems sometimes and friends can be PIA when it comes to their friends getting married..
I think you going and sending an email to the friend to kick him out after your FH already said 'no' was a big mistake. If I was in FH shoes I would be humiliated that my soon to be wife is telling me who my friends should be and not only telling me- going and pushing away my friend in an email.

In my opinion-
I think you owe your FH and grooms man an apology. You may not want him there but now it seems you are going to be stuck with him.




ps.. Mjdoc is a hot piece of A$$

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Posted by beram63

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Posted by Maria31

Are you mad about them going to the strip club or is there more to the story? Guys will be guys and going to a stripclub is pretty much what guys do before they get married. It's all in good fun. If something else happened... well then that's a completely different story!

IMO, as much as you dislike his friend, it really isn't your place to throw him out of your wedding. This is as much your FH's wedding as it is yours, and if he wants him to be part of his special day, I don't think you should have emailed him without telling him. Of course you have a right to decide who is in your wedding or not, but I would have discussed it with your FH and had him break the news to his groomsman. JMO.

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i have to say, i keep seeing comments that she shouldn't really be mad simply bc they went to a strip club...boys will be boys...yadda yadda.

if she made it clear that she wasn't comfortable with it, then she absolutely has a right to be mad. the email on the other hand--not such a great idea...

btw, this kind of drama is exactly why i think bach parties are a ridiculous tradition. they were born in a time when it was customary for men to beat their wives, and thankfully, women now have the right to stand up and say, 'no, it's not okay for a stripper to grind her crotch on yours.' if you as a woman are comfortable with it, great. if not, then your man should respect that.

JMO

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If shes not comfortable then yes he should've respected her wishes. But it was her FH who had to respect her wishes and do right by her. The friend im sure did not drag and force her FH to go to the strip club, he is a grown man and i doubt he was forced to do anything. Her FH is the one who has a commitment with her and who needs to think of her feelings, so the anger shouldve been taken out just on her FH not his friend. We dont even know if his friend even knew ahead of time that she was against strip clubs. Now if her FH and her had a discussion about this prior to the bachelor party then he should've discussed it with his friends and said no strip clubs, but obviously this wasn't done. She took all her frustration out on the friend. A guy taking his friend to a strip club is not someone trying to sabotage the wedding, its a guy being a guy with no intentions of sabotage.

There will be people in our FH's/dh's lives that we are not fond of, but its part of being in a relationship you have to learn to deal with this and know that you wont love everyone in their lives. You cant get into a relationship and think thats it youre going to get rid of friends i dont like, i mean what if its close family of his somebody doesnt like, you cant get rid of them. When you meet somebody and fall in love you fell in love with them for who they are and everything that comes with it and have to accept it. You cant change a person or who their friends are, you knew this getting into it.

The friend should never have been emailed behind your fh's back. I would flip out if DH emailed one of my friends telling them off and especially kicking them out of the bp behind my back.

To the op, i think you need to sit down and have a serious talk with your FH. You took all your anger out on the wrong person. Its your Fh that you will spend your life with and its HIM who has to respect your wishes not his friend. Your Fh went willingly to the club, if he didnt really want to go then trust me he wouldn't have gone. I see my dh with his friends and none of them get forced to do anything. Theres one friend who doesnt like any of those things and trust me they never make him do any of it, no matter how much they ask this friend will say no.

Personally i have no problems with strip clubs, but those are my views and not going to push that on you. If you expressed to your Fh ahead of time that you didnt want it then only one person messed up and thats your fh not the friend. But first i have to ask if any boundaries were set before the party, maybe he didnt know he did anything wrong.

I know youre upset now but things can be fixed, dont let this ruin your relationship. During marriage you will come across many obstacles just have to communicate with eachother and find a way to work things out

wrong girls...i have every right to be mad when we have been harrassed by this groomsmen for three yrs for being a couple and b/c fh does not want to go to clubs any more gm thinks that clubs are the only thing to do

so yes there i s more to the story plus they wanted him to get his last blow job and said they would wait outside his house until he came out they asked him twice in two weeks...the guy that gm hangs with aims to ruin virgins and ruin relationships...thats what type of guys gm hangs with and is influenced by

you never should trust anyone 100% not even your best friend i never let my guard down ive seen too much to my surprise anyone can cheat and i mean the nerdies of nerds

I kind of knew your response would be like this.

Many times girls post and then when they don't hear what they wanted to hear - they suddenly REVEAL the background to the story.

I wish you the best of luck in your marriage. Just remember - sometimes ( not always ) you CAN judge someone by the company they keep