thinking about calling the wedding off

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I hope everything works out for you.

Everyone has said what I would have said so I just wanted to give you hugs

okay, by now you are probably going to know this, but in NYS you have to choose one of three or four reasons for a divorce. Basically..an affair, abuse, there's something else, and abandonment. Abandonment is really just the least offensive if things just don't work out. When I divorced my ex, that is what i used. Also, it took three and a half years for mine to go through. You have to wait the first year, hence the abandonment, and then start filing all the paperwork. I really hope this all works out for the two of you. Good luck.

Hi,
You seem to have a lot of info so far so im not sure if you even need anymore. To begin with i am SO SO SORRY to hear about your situation! I hope everything works out for you!

I am a lawyer but I took family law a long time ago....this is what i remember. In NY there is no such thing as 'no fault' divorce. There are four (i think) grounds of 'fault' OR there is another option. If you are legally separated (i.e. legally filed for separation) for at least one year then you can get a divorce. So, if i can remember correctly....i don't think your fi would have had to make up some fault ground...he could have gotten a legal separation if they haven't been together for awhile. HOPE THIS HELPS!

Seriously though, i barely remember this stuff but, if you need help fm me and i will look into it and give you answers that i know are correct

Hope all goes well with the discussion. We are here to support you.

I'm sorry your going through this but talk to him first before you make any hasty decisions. Sometimes divorce takes a long time and he may have legitimately thought the divorce was finalized when it fact it wasn't (hense the February date).

I got divorced about 3 years ago from my ex and we used the abandonment clause as our 'reason'. In NY, like the other girls said, you need to have a reason for divorce and most of the time have to be legally seperated for one year before you can even begin divorce proceedings.

Even though we left on very friendly terms it took my ex and I over 2 years to get the divorce finalized. We also thought our divorce was final and then a few months later we were contacted that we were missing some signatures. Sometimes the courts take forever. I understand you feel deceived but if you love him let him explain first.

Good luck!!!

OMG! I just read what happened and hope that you and your FI are able to work through this situation.

Hope your talk is going well

As Rob Luvs Me said I have worked at a matrimonial firm for about 4 years. I FMd you some info

I came on too late, the ladies here have said just about everything I could've said. Just wanted to send you some and wish you luck! I hope everything works out sweetie!

hope you're doing okay. just wanted to send your way. also, just as a point of reference, FI's parent's have been separated since FI is 6, and aren't legally divorced yet some people don't take that final step until it is absolutely necessary (i.e. one of the parties want to marry someone else). meanwhile FI's parents have not lived in the same house for over 23 years, yet they are only separated, not divorced!!! maybe your FI didn't 'finalize' things until it was necessary (men can be such procrastinators)!!

hope that makes sense!!

I just got on too and am just reading this now. I am assuming you guys are talking now and believe me I am praying for you. Like these others girls said, there can be a lot of reasons, most importantly that divorce takes a long time to be finalized. And also that you do need a reason for dicorc ec in NY, and perhaps abondonment was the least 'offensive' or the one that made the most sense. You would have seen these papers anyway - you need a certified copy to get your marriage license. (Another thing I learned along the way.)

I hope you straighten this out. He was not cheating on you, he was not with her - it may just have been a matter of paperwork. BUT you must make sure your trust in him is in tact! Your relationship needs trust in order to survive.

As I said - I am praying for you real hard and will continue to pray through the night! HUGS and good luck to you both tonight.......

Mary

so what did he say?? I was discussing this with my hubby and he said he was probably embarassed to tell you. He said he is sure after you 2 talk all will be ok.

I know it will work out. Let us know how the discussion went. Take care.

Ladies....

We just finished talking . . .he's in the restroom now. I will tell you all what happened tommorrow when I get to work to that I can type freely without him looking over my shoulder.

I feel pretty bad . . . . but if it were not for each and everyone of you who have posted tonight, I would probably be a lot worse off right now. I cannot thank you all enough for being there for me.

Thank God for this website. Really. Sure we have some bad days....but please believe me when I say, the good definately outweighs the bad. God bless you all. See you in the morning. I'm gonna try my best to get some sleep. I'm all cried out.

I have no idea of what time it is. I cannot sleep at all. He gave me a half-a s s e d apology, claiming that he didn't want to 'add to my stress' by telling about the divorce which is not final. Coincidentally, he fell asleep on the couch. It's been pretty silent around here ever since the discussion...and to be honest, I feel awful. My heart feels very heavy, I can't sleep, I feel ill, and I am feeling doubtful about our marriage which is supposed to take place within 3 months.

After we talked, he claimed that after his x-wife found out that we were getting married, she 'informed' him that they weren't ever legally divorced.

So in a nutshell, he is claiming that he never knew that the proper paperwork was never filed.

I feel like the bigger problem is that he tried to keep this information from me. When I asked him why he neglected to tell me, he claimed that he didn't want me to worry. He said that I'm a worrier and he felt that he was protecting me.

I don't know how I will ever be able to trust him again.

MORE DETAILS:
We got engaged about 5 months ago. About a month after his x-wife found out, she got pregnant. I remember him saying, 'Why would she do something stupid like that? She has no money!!!!'
I told him that she probably was hurt about our engagement and so she went out and got pregnant. Now that everything is coming to light about their divorce not being final, I am convinced that she is probably trying to hold on to him.

Again, thanks for the advice ladies. I really don't know what I'm gonna do now. I am so hurt.

I can't sleep either but I am finally tired enough to go back to bed but I will say this

Do you fell you can trust him throughout your marriage? Do you think he got her pregnant?
Did you ask him about the grounds for divorce issue and who was the constructive abdoner (if you will)?

Is there anyone you can talk to that knows of their marriage (a freind of the family, a family member of his?)

I feel so bad for you

you need to do alot more thinking & talking before you get married.

Aw...I'm so sorry you are going through this...I really hope everything works out.

I also agree with Jenn's statement above. Please make sure you think things through and Really communicate with him before taking the 'plunge'...