UPDATED__Who Pays for the HM?

I'm having a very traditional wedding in the sense that my family is picking up the tab for EVERYTHING. FH family has not offered to help pay for anything. So....FH and I were discussing the HM a few nights ago and I asked him what was his budget for it. He corrects me by saying, 'You mean, what is OUR budget for the honeymoon'. I told him that it is the groom's responsibility to pick up the tab for the HM and he didn't really say anything. I'm helping my family pay for the wedding and I'm also thinking about having LASIK surgery in the next few months so I'm going to be really strapped for money. Am I being unreasonable by suggesting he pay for the honeymoon since he or his family isn't contributing anything else?

TIA

After reading all of the posts to my topic, I just wanted to add a few things:

It was never my intention to cause drama by posting my question. I just wanted to see how other couples were handling their HM expenses. My parents are paying for everything concerning the wedding.....engagement party, wedding shower, and the wedding. I am also helping them as much as I can. Neither FH nor his family has offered to pay for anything. When we first got engaged and were discussing expenses and how much everything would cost, FH said, “My father paid for everything when my sister got married.” I passed this information on to my parents and that pretty much dashed their hopes of asking FH’s parents to contribute something. I should also add that our parents’ financial situations are drastically different--FH’s parents have substantially more money than mine. Although my parents are just going ahead and paying for it themselves, I know that it has put a strain on their savings. If FH and his parents are abiding by etiquette in terms of who pays for the wedding, then I think it only fair if I abide by etiquette and request that he pick up the tab for the HM. If it is “our honeymoon” and we should pay for it together then shouldn’t the same methodology be applied to “our wedding”?

I do consider myself very lucky that my parents are paying for a majority of the wedding and I am really amazed at the couples who are paying for it all on their own. The last thing I want to do is to come across as being selfish. I know that tradition and etiquette has changed over the years but my situation is fairly traditional. I am well aware that a marriage is a partnership and that my FH and I are equals so I think given that I am contributing to “our wedding” and he is not (and I am not asking him to), he should pay for the HM.

Espo22, MandG072909, & Stephanielyse – I really respect the comments you posted and will keep them in mind going forward. Thank you.

seriously..THE GROOM, especially after her family is paying for the wedding...

i wouldnt even chip in a penny! for the HM...my parents and I are paying for the wedding and FH/his family are paying for the HM...

I just copied this from a random wedding etiquette site. I even found some of these interesting. Hope it helps.

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Wedding Etiquette
Cultural backgrounds and individual convictions heavily influence the decision-making in Wedding Etiquette. Nevertheless, the following is a general guide that should be construed as such... and adopted as you deem fit:

Who Pays For What?

The Bride typically pays for
The Wedding ring for the Groom
Gifts for the Attendants
Accommodation for out-of-town Attendants
The Wedding gift for the Groom

The Groom typically pays for
The Bride's rings including the Engagement ring
The honeymoon
Wedding gift for the bride
The marriage license
The Groom's men gifts
Accommodation for out-of-town groom's men
Flowers for the Bride
The going-away corsage,
corsages for mothers, special ladies;
The boutonnieres for men in wedding party
The gloves, ties and accessories for the men in the wedding party
Fee for clergyperson or judge

The Groom's Family typically pays for
Clothing for the Wedding
Travel and lodging expenses
Rehearsal dinner
The Wedding gift for the newlyweds

The Bride's Family typically pays for:
The costs of the reception.
The Bride's Wedding attire/trousseau
Invitations, announcements, thank you notes
The seating assignment chart, napkins and mailing costs
Photographer
Videographer
Ceremony costs
Bridesmaids, flower girl, ring bearer flowers and accessories
Transportation for bridal party on Wedding day from ceremony to reception.
All gratuities for all services: parking, security
Bridesmaid luncheon

We are paying for our wedding and we are paying for our honeymoon.

In the end it is our honeymoon and it's our money.
I have never even heard of the groom taking all the responsibility for the honeymoon...

We might be in a different situation though, we have lived together for a little over a year now.
Good luck!

really, i have heard of it all the time...well usually in situations were the people arent living together

my last 2 friends that got married it was very traditional, theyre parents paid, and than the groom paid of the honeymoon

i tthink its wayyy totally unfair...to have the girls side pay for the whole wedding and than the HM TOO?? just my opinion

but hey everyones situation is different, especially if ur living together...

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Posted by Toots123

I just copied this from a random wedding etiquette site. I even found some of these interesting. Hope it helps.

__________________________________


Wedding Etiquette
Cultural backgrounds and individual convictions heavily influence the decision-making in Wedding Etiquette. Nevertheless, the following is a general guide that should be construed as such... and adopted as you deem fit:

Who Pays For What?

The Bride typically pays for
The Wedding ring for the Groom
Gifts for the Attendants
Accommodation for out-of-town Attendants
The Wedding gift for the Groom

The Groom typically pays for
The Bride's rings including the Engagement ring
The honeymoon
Wedding gift for the bride
The marriage license
The Groom's men gifts
Accommodation for out-of-town groom's men
Flowers for the Bride
The going-away corsage,
corsages for mothers, special ladies;
The boutonnieres for men in wedding party
The gloves, ties and accessories for the men in the wedding party
Fee for clergyperson or judge

The Groom's Family typically pays for
Clothing for the Wedding
Travel and lodging expenses
Rehearsal dinner
The Wedding gift for the newlyweds

The Bride's Family typically pays for:
The costs of the reception.
The Bride's Wedding attire/trousseau
Invitations, announcements, thank you notes
The seating assignment chart, napkins and mailing costs
Photographer
Videographer
Ceremony costs
Bridesmaids, flower girl, ring bearer flowers and accessories
Transportation for bridal party on Wedding day from ceremony to reception.
All gratuities for all services: parking, security
Bridesmaid luncheon

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sorry, couldn't contain myself. I wish I was getting this much help.

I guess this whole debate is sort of foreign to me because, in my way of thinking, it is OUR money, not his or mine. Perhaps I'm in a different situation since FH and I already live together and have all of our money in joint accounts.

ETA - Of course, we are paying for a portion of our wedding and both of our parents are contributing.

I can see how in your situation things might be different since your family is paying for the entire wedding. Personally, I'd split the cost of the honeymoon (though like I said, that's an odd way for me to look at it since we have all joint accounts). However, I do NOT think you are unreasonable expecting him to pay for it in this situation. I think the concept of 'his' money and 'my' money in marriage is just not how I see things (and I completely understand that this is just my personal perspective and others differ). I also happen to make a much higher salary than FH (who also does quite well), but I don't consider that my money and what he makes his money... Okay, I'm going off on a tangent now...

My point (and really, I have one somewhere!) is that I don't think you're being unreasonable, especially if it comes down to who is fronting the money to pay for it right now.

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Posted by uncqt02

Traditionally the groom plans and pays for the honeymoon,

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ditto

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Posted by luvabul

really, i have heard of it all the time...well usually in situations were the people arent living together

my last 2 friends that got married it was very traditional, theyre parents paid, and than the groom paid of the honeymoon

i tthink its wayyy totally unfair...to have the girls side pay for the whole wedding and than the HM TOO?? just my opinion

but hey everyones situation is different, especially if ur living together...

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I totally agree!!! My parents are paying for everything and FH's parents haven't even said that they would help with anything. I told FH that the groom pays for the HM and he just looked at me like yeah right! But his parents haven't said anything about it. But they really voice there opinions about things they want there.

I've heard 2 different things about the HM -
One, the Groom pays for it
Two, The Groom's parents pay for it. [this one more often I've heard]

My HM was over $13,000, so me and Dh paid for it and his family paid for the limos instead. My parents paid for the whole wedding, and still gave us a $1000 for the HM, and both me and DH were annoyed that his parents didn't offer to help.

I don't think you're being unreasonable, as long as you're not requesting to go to Hawaii or tahiti, or Bors Bora, cause thats expensive. [Probably about $10,000 I think, alil less, depending on length of trip] But still w/ that, with the money we spent with our rm catagory going to St Lucia [Sandals] we could have gone to Hawaii or Tahihi if we really wanted to, cause we had the $.

I think if you are planning to go a Sandals, and get either a basic room or a conceirge room, [no butler] and an average price is about $4000 for 5 nights with airfare. Again, thats a conceirge room. But of course, since its ur HM, you'll ost like want to stay longer. Just so you know, the two basic rooms fill up quick. And if you book sandals through a travek agent, you are only required to put $400 down to reserve your room, and if you do 'package air' you don't have to pay for that and the remaining balance u have will be due 2 months be4 the HM. You can even make payments as you have the $ if thats easier.

HTH!

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Posted by korndoggie
In the end it is our honeymoon and it's our money.

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Exactly, IMO the amount you spend should be a decision you make together, you are going to be married and the bill will be coming to both of you when all is said and done. Unless someone comes out and says 'Hey I'm paying for your HM' the assumption should be you (meaning you and your FH) will pay for it, not what 'etiquette' dictates.

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Posted by carlsbride

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Posted by korndoggie
In the end it is our honeymoon and it's our money.

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Exactly, IMO the amount you spend should be a decision you make together, you are going to be married and the bill will be coming to both of you when all is said and done. Unless someone comes out and says 'Hey I'm paying for your HM' the assumption should be you (meaning you and your FH) will pay for it, not what 'etiquette' dictates.

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yeah since we got engaged i kind of feel it is 'our money' ( we dont currently live together either) so we are both technically paying for everything together. . . i never think of 'you pay for limos' and 'i pay for flowers' etc - we put money into a joint acct and we both are paying for the honeymoon. . .