UPDATED__Who Pays for the HM?

Original post by shopaholic07

Jan 04, 2007 10:35 PM

I'm having a very traditional wedding in the sense that my family is picking up the tab for EVERYTHING. FH family has not offered to help pay for anything. So....FH and I were discussing the HM a few nights ago and I asked him what was his budget for it. He corrects me by saying, 'You mean, what is OUR budget for the honeymoon'. I told him that it is the groom's responsibility to pick up the tab for the HM and he didn't really say anything. I'm helping my family pay for the wedding and I'm also thinking about having LASIK surgery in the next few months so I'm going to be really strapped for money. Am I being unreasonable by suggesting he pay for the honeymoon since he or his family isn't contributing anything else?

TIA

After reading all of the posts to my topic, I just wanted to add a few things:

It was never my intention to cause drama by posting my question. I just wanted to see how other couples were handling their HM expenses. My parents are paying for everything concerning the wedding.....engagement party, wedding shower, and the wedding. I am also helping them as much as I can. Neither FH nor his family has offered to pay for anything. When we first got engaged and were discussing expenses and how much everything would cost, FH said, “My father paid for everything when my sister got married.” I passed this information on to my parents and that pretty much dashed their hopes of asking FH’s parents to contribute something. I should also add that our parents’ financial situations are drastically different--FH’s parents have substantially more money than mine. Although my parents are just going ahead and paying for it themselves, I know that it has put a strain on their savings. If FH and his parents are abiding by etiquette in terms of who pays for the wedding, then I think it only fair if I abide by etiquette and request that he pick up the tab for the HM. If it is “our honeymoon” and we should pay for it together then shouldn’t the same methodology be applied to “our wedding”?

I do consider myself very lucky that my parents are paying for a majority of the wedding and I am really amazed at the couples who are paying for it all on their own. The last thing I want to do is to come across as being selfish. I know that tradition and etiquette has changed over the years but my situation is fairly traditional. I am well aware that a marriage is a partnership and that my FH and I are equals so I think given that I am contributing to “our wedding” and he is not (and I am not asking him to), he should pay for the HM.

Espo22, MandG072909, & Stephanielyse – I really respect the comments you posted and will keep them in mind going forward. Thank you.

Espo22 Posted: Jan 05, 2007 01:13 PM

Re: Who Pays for the HM?

The biggest problem is that you and your FH can't sit down and talk about this and come to a compromise...I agree with everyone else about the 'OUR MONEY' instead of my money his money...Listen along the way there will be times you contribute more and vice versa...There are times that i will pay for something wedding related, there are times FH will pay...I am not sitting there taking count of who is putting in more. You need to see your Fh as an equal instead of this whole 'well i am doing more'...a bunch of strangers on a mb won't help solve your problem...You need to communicate with FH better

stephanielyse Posted: Jan 05, 2007 01:14 PM

.

JazzyT Posted: Jan 05, 2007 01:26 PM

Re: Who Pays for the HM?

Posted by MandG072909

Posted by Meaghan729

this is probably one of the most ridiculous threads I have read on here...

first of all - whoevers parents are paying (doesnt matter if its brides or grooms or both) are very very LUCKY- it has nothing to do with etiquette - and has everything to do about $$$...my mother is a widow and I know she would love to pay for our wedding, but she cant afford it. I am very LUCKY that my grandmother is helping us -but I did not go up to her and demand her to pay for anything - she offered on her own.

and then to say its the grooms responsibilty? what year is it, 1950? it is a trip you are taking as husband and wife, it should be the responsibility of the couple - unless someone comes forward and says they are paying for it, I would budget for you two to pay for it TOGETHER.

and feel blessed that you are getting so much help with wedding costs, because many people on here are not.

Alright I so try not to fuel drama and I was trying to bite my tounge but I feel like I have to stand up for the OP...

She NEVER said she expected anyone's parents to pay for anything...she said its being done this way because its traditional and its not right to tell her that it doesn't have anything to do with ettiquette and everything to do with $$$...as someone who's parents were more then generous in paying for ALOT for our wedding w/out being asked and who's inlaws have plenty but contributed next to nothing because it was 'traditional' I can see why maybe she would feel the need to mention that....

And as far as she and her FH are concerned, she goes on to say that 'she' is contributing to their wedding...this would assume that maybe they do keep their money seperate at least for now and if that works for them then that works for them...she didn't ask for anyones opinions on that...

Parents paying aside...I think that if she is contributing and he isn't, she very much has the right to ask her future husband to contribute more for the honeymoon...in this case I think it would be a testimate them being equal and NOT being in the 1950s...

And to the OP...if I am off point here then I'm sorry for assuming this is how you feel and then everyone else can just take this as my opinion

I think it got off topic and I feel the OP was moreso trying t omake a point in this direction

kathrynlinton Posted: Jan 05, 2007 01:27 PM

Re: Who Pays for the HM?

Posted by Meaghan729

this is probably one of the most ridiculous threads I have read on here...

first of all - whoevers parents are paying (doesnt matter if its brides or grooms or both) are very very LUCKY- it has nothing to do with etiquette - and has everything to do about $$$...my mother is a widow and I know she would love to pay for our wedding, but she cant afford it. I am very LUCKY that my grandmother is helping us -but I did not go up to her and demand her to pay for anything - she offered on her own.

and then to say its the grooms responsibilty? what year is it, 1950? it is a trip you are taking as husband and wife, it should be the responsibility of the couple - unless someone comes forward and says they are paying for it, I would budget for you two to pay for it TOGETHER.

and feel blessed that you are getting so much help with wedding costs, because many people on here are not.

Thank you.

NO ONE has to help you pay for things. If you are lucky enough to have help from people in your family it still does not designate WHO should pay for the honeymoon.

My parents graciously paid for our wedding and DH and I paid for our honeymoon and If you want COMPLETE honesty it was out of money that my grandmother left me, we would have taken a smaller, more economical hm if we had not gotten that money.

You can't expect ANYONE to pay for anything and until someone offers, then you are paying for it yourself.

luvabul Posted: Jan 05, 2007 01:32 PM

Re: Who Pays for the HM?

totally agree

Happybride2005 Posted: Jan 05, 2007 01:39 PM

Re: Who Pays for the HM?

we paid for the hm together. i didn't expect him to pay for it by himself

korndoggie Posted: Jan 05, 2007 01:50 PM

Re: Who Pays for the HM?

Posted by Meaghan729

this is probably one of the most ridiculous threads I have read on here...

first of all - whoevers parents are paying (doesnt matter if its brides or grooms or both) are very very LUCKY- it has nothing to do with etiquette - and has everything to do about $$$...my mother is a widow and I know she would love to pay for our wedding, but she cant afford it. I am very LUCKY that my grandmother is helping us -but I did not go up to her and demand her to pay for anything - she offered on her own.

and then to say its the grooms responsibilty? what year is it, 1950? it is a trip you are taking as husband and wife, it should be the responsibility of the couple - unless someone comes forward and says they are paying for it, I would budget for you two to pay for it TOGETHER.

and feel blessed that you are getting so much help with wedding costs, because many people on here are not.

Exactly what I was trying to say. I was just trying to be a little more subtle about it.

Meaghan729 Posted: Jan 05, 2007 02:04 PM

Re: Who Pays for the HM?

Posted by korndoggie

Posted by Meaghan729

this is probably one of the most ridiculous threads I have read on here...

first of all - whoevers parents are paying (doesnt matter if its brides or grooms or both) are very very LUCKY- it has nothing to do with etiquette - and has everything to do about $$$...my mother is a widow and I know she would love to pay for our wedding, but she cant afford it. I am very LUCKY that my grandmother is helping us -but I did not go up to her and demand her to pay for anything - she offered on her own.

and then to say its the grooms responsibilty? what year is it, 1950? it is a trip you are taking as husband and wife, it should be the responsibility of the couple - unless someone comes forward and says they are paying for it, I would budget for you two to pay for it TOGETHER.

and feel blessed that you are getting so much help with wedding costs, because many people on here are not.

Exactly what I was trying to say. I was just trying to be a little more subtle about it.

maybe I should be a little less sublte, lol.
but people need a reality check sometimes. Even though FH and I dont even live together yet - any major purchases we make we consult with each other.

Snowflake08 Posted: Jan 05, 2007 02:11 PM

Re: Who Pays for the HM?

Posted by Meaghan729

this is probably one of the most ridiculous threads I have read on here...

first of all - whoevers parents are paying (doesnt matter if its brides or grooms or both) are very very LUCKY- it has nothing to do with etiquette - and has everything to do about $$$...my mother is a widow and I know she would love to pay for our wedding, but she cant afford it. I am very LUCKY that my grandmother is helping us -but I did not go up to her and demand her to pay for anything - she offered on her own.

and then to say its the grooms responsibilty? what year is it, 1950? it is a trip you are taking as husband and wife, it should be the responsibility of the couple - unless someone comes forward and says they are paying for it, I would budget for you two to pay for it TOGETHER.

and feel blessed that you are getting so much help with wedding costs, because many people on here are not.

COULD NOT AGREE MORE - VERY WELL SAID!!!

SeptBride70 Posted: Jan 05, 2007 02:18 PM

Re: Who Pays for the HM?

Posted by Meaghan729

Posted by korndoggie

Posted by Meaghan729

this is probably one of the most ridiculous threads I have read on here...

first of all - whoevers parents are paying (doesnt matter if its brides or grooms or both) are very very LUCKY- it has nothing to do with etiquette - and has everything to do about $$$...my mother is a widow and I know she would love to pay for our wedding, but she cant afford it. I am very LUCKY that my grandmother is helping us -but I did not go up to her and demand her to pay for anything - she offered on her own.

and then to say its the grooms responsibilty? what year is it, 1950? it is a trip you are taking as husband and wife, it should be the responsibility of the couple - unless someone comes forward and says they are paying for it, I would budget for you two to pay for it TOGETHER.

and feel blessed that you are getting so much help with wedding costs, because many people on here are not.

Exactly what I was trying to say. I was just trying to be a little more subtle about it.

maybe I should be a little less sublte, lol.
but people need a reality check sometimes. Even though FH and I dont even live together yet - any major purchases we make we consult with each other.

Yeah I agree with this-- I mean, everyone is different and all but I think (and this is just my situation personally) but I think if I went to Vinny 'hey, so what's your budget for the HM you are paying for?' he would just hall off and biitch slap my arse!!! LOL

But again, that's just us-- Everyone is different but it's kinda the 'it's all coming from the same place' mentality-- Once you are married, everything is the same and when you are in an engaged or married relationship- you tend to work as a unit, or as 'one' so to me it is a non-issue b/c it's all the same in the end anyway.

BTW: Meaghan, off topic but is Bailey (your pup) part schnauzer?? He's a cutie and looks like he's rocking the little beard they have.

JXNOscar Posted: Jan 05, 2007 02:27 PM

Re: Who Pays for the HM?

What needs to be realized here is not what happens when you get on the plane, rather what becomes of you after you return home. There is no more, you pay/I pay.

I mean I have my money, my paycheck, but we also have everything joint now. There is no more who pays for what.

When you get off that plane you are a family.

During our planning we paid for most of our vendors and our honeymoon.
The attention here is on WE.
WE as a couple.
WE as best friends.
WE as partners.

Even though DH makes much more than I do, I could never see myself sitting back and letting him 'take care of the HM', while I am sipping pina coladas poolside'

What brides should get out of planning their weddings, is that the planning itself is a really good exercise and first run of what life will be like with you both. From the budgeting (Excel anyone?), to timelines and goals, you really, truly become one during this process. And, that my friends is a great, REAL feeling and experience.

Meaghan729 Posted: Jan 05, 2007 02:31 PM

Re: Who Pays for the HM?

Posted by MrsDaniRella
Yeah I agree with this-- I mean, everyone is different and all but I think (and this is just my situation personally) but I think if I went to Vinny 'hey, so what's your budget for the HM you are paying for?' he would just hall off and biitch slap my arse!!! LOL

But again, that's just us-- Everyone is different but it's kinda the 'it's all coming from the same place' mentality-- Once you are married, everything is the same and when you are in an engaged or married relationship- you tend to work as a unit, or as 'one' so to me it is a non-issue b/c it's all the same in the end anyway.

BTW: Meaghan, off topic but is Bailey (your pup) part schnauzer?? He's a cutie and looks like he's rocking the little beard they have.

Bailey is half yorkshire terrier half poodle.
he does rock a cute beard though

SeptBride70 Posted: Jan 05, 2007 02:34 PM

Re: Who Pays for the HM?

Posted by Meaghan729

Posted by MrsDaniRella
Yeah I agree with this-- I mean, everyone is different and all but I think (and this is just my situation personally) but I think if I went to Vinny 'hey, so what's your budget for the HM you are paying for?' he would just hall off and biitch slap my arse!!! LOL

But again, that's just us-- Everyone is different but it's kinda the 'it's all coming from the same place' mentality-- Once you are married, everything is the same and when you are in an engaged or married relationship- you tend to work as a unit, or as 'one' so to me it is a non-issue b/c it's all the same in the end anyway.

BTW: Meaghan, off topic but is Bailey (your pup) part schnauzer?? He's a cutie and looks like he's rocking the little beard they have.

Bailey is half yorkshire terrier half poodle.
he does rock a cute beard though

ooooh OK well that makes sense b/c WAY back in the origin of breeding schnauzers- they were bred from poodles!

CUTE!

Aug06 Posted: Jan 05, 2007 02:56 PM

Re: Who Pays for the HM?

I think it depends on FH and family's financial situation as well. My parents are paying for the whole wedding, but since his family really cannot afford to pay for our honeymoon I would never think of asking, we are paying for it ourselves.

LaurenluvsTJ Posted: Jan 05, 2007 03:03 PM

Re: Who Pays for the HM?

Posted by JXNOscar

while I am sipping pina coladas poolside'

.

OK I am sorry this is TOTALLY off the subject but you TOTALLY brought back memories of my HM with this line and I SO wish I was doing that right now!

Back to the topic at hand: Yes, you need to try and let go of the mentality of 'yours' and 'his.' Maybe you can set up a HM account you can both start putting money into. Don't think of it as he will pay for it or you will pay for it, because in the end after you are married, its all yours together. I hope this made sense.

Snowflake08 Posted: Jan 05, 2007 03:07 PM

Re: Who Pays for the HM?

In my relationship, we work as one - OUR MONEY
However, not everyone does that - not everyone feels COMFORTABLE doing that and its not a matter of trust, nor does it make anyone's relationship better or stronger than anyone else's - its just works for one couple may not work for another -
Sometimes age also plays a part - People that get married somewhat later in life that have been on their own for years, have established careers and are used to being independent sometimes have difficulty to sharing everything.

luvabul Posted: Jan 05, 2007 03:22 PM

Re: UPDATED__Who Pays for the HM?

thanks for the clarification...

i think she fully is aware its not 'your money' my money...its OUR money. but that same mind-frame should be applied to the wedding too, and in her case its not...her parents picked up the tab for everrrythingg... and if her FH saw it as 'our money' he would offer to contribute or his parents would offer...

yea its 2007!! and its not the 50's but i think their is a bigger communication gap here between them...

Kara and Todd Posted: Jan 05, 2007 03:29 PM

Re: UPDATED__Who Pays for the HM?

I didn't take your post as being selfish at all. I think it was a totally fair question that sparked an interesting conversation -- though perhaps it got off-track from the question you intended.

Meaghan729 Posted: Jan 05, 2007 03:30 PM

Re: UPDATED__Who Pays for the HM?

Posted by shopaholic07

I do consider myself very lucky that my parents are paying for a majority of the wedding and I am really amazed at the couples who are paying for it all on their own. The last thing I want to do is to come across as being selfish. I know that tradition and etiquette has changed over the years but my situation is fairly traditional. I am well aware that a marriage is a partnership and that my FH and I are equals so I think given that I am contributing to “our wedding” and he is not (and I am not asking him to), he should pay for the HM.

I dont see how this thread is full of drama - you brought up a good discussion on how couples view 'their' money -

Im glad that you are thankful for what you are being generously given - but you need to get over the fact that your FH's family isnt paying. I said before my grandma is paying for our wedding - my FH's parents arent paying anything - I dont know if they can afford to or not, but thats not up to me to judge - i am not going to my FH and saying he has to pay for stuff bc his parents arent -

and you are saying YOU are contributing to the wedding - is it you or your parents? if its not YOUR money, why should your FH have to pay just because his parents arent? thats the part that is confusing me...

shopaholic07 Posted: Jan 05, 2007 03:40 PM

Re: UPDATED__Who Pays for the HM?

Posted by Meaghan729

Posted by shopaholic07

I do consider myself very lucky that my parents are paying for a majority of the wedding and I am really amazed at the couples who are paying for it all on their own. The last thing I want to do is to come across as being selfish. I know that tradition and etiquette has changed over the years but my situation is fairly traditional. I am well aware that a marriage is a partnership and that my FH and I are equals so I think given that I am contributing to “our wedding” and he is not (and I am not asking him to), he should pay for the HM.

I dont see how this thread is full of drama - you brought up a good discussion on how couples view 'their' money -

Im glad that you are thankful for what you are being generously given - but you need to get over the fact that your FH's family isnt paying. I said before my grandma is paying for our wedding - my FH's parents arent paying anything - I dont know if they can afford to or not, but thats not up to me to judge - i am not going to my FH and saying he has to pay for stuff bc his parents arent -

and you are saying YOU are contributing to the wedding - is it you or your parents? if its not YOUR money, why should your FH have to pay just because his parents arent? thats the part that is confusing me...

My parents and I are paying for the wedding expenses. So since I am spending my own money on our wedding, then I think he should contribute something as well.