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Update:Dont want to take his last name

Original post by MrsLarrea2B

For a traditional bride, I am having a hardtime accepting the idea of changing my last name. I feel like a) I am not his damn property. i am not his dog or his slave. b) why should I have to take his stupid last name? c) why should his 'family' take the credit for my accomplishments...d) why should I have to 'give up' my family history and my fathers last name for FH ??? e) Why should I have to go through the hassle of changing my last name and all legal documents????

I have argued w. people over this and all i hear is 'I dont want my kids to feel weird b.c we dont have the same last name. i dont want teachers to think my child is a ******* child. (LOL). so then if this is the case....why not take MY last name???
What the hell makes his damn family better than mine that I should feel so damn PRIVILEDGED to have it????? people have suggested hyphenating my name....I think thats stupid. what the hell am I supposed to do... Sign 3 damn names everywhere? i really hate the fact that women are even put in this stupid position. I thought about changing my middle name to his...or maybe change it to my last name (if I want to compromise) but i hear that I have to go through the supreme court to get ny middle name changed!!! ***?

*** MY SCREEN NAME IS Mrs.Larrea 2b --- I used it b.c I figured I would 'try' to get used to it. But the more ppl at work ask me 'so you are going to be Mrs.___' and I alwasy respond 'Mrs.hurtado' and they get all weirded out. then i get the 'ur a feminist' crap.

It is a matter of principle ... What the hell makes him king of the castle???

UPDATE 03/11/08


FH and I argued about it yesterday. He was so pissed off at me. He even brought up cancelling the wedding!
He asked me why I didnt want to change my name. I told him b.c I didnt see a need for it and my name meant a lot to me. He countered w. its tradition for the woman to change her name. SO me like an *** I said, I dont wanna follow tradition...and then my super smart sneaky FH double countered w. 'so why the hell are w. paying 30k for a wedding, if you dont wanna follow tradition???' ( Just to fill you in, FH is against us having a huge wedding. But he is doing this b.c he knows I have been dreaming of this day since I was born. My FH literally starves himself in order to pay for our wedding. He doesnt go out his friends, and if he does he always invites me to come along. from the moment we got engaged he immediately went along w. the wedding plans and didnt argue w. me about it)

So basically we are 2 very stubborn people, My argument is that the whole 'tradition' excuse is not a good reason and I dont wanna go that route. Which hapens to be HIS reason for not wanting a big wedding. Money is very important to him and he is willing to give it all to me to throw away on one day, instead of using that money to buy our 1st house together or opening up a business.

As far as the last name goes, his excuse is that it is tradition and he does want to go that route.
He feels that I am contradicting myself when I say 'I am traditional and I MUST have a huge wedding. BUt then again I am a modern woman and I dont care what people say so I wont take your last name'

So then I tried to reason w. him and brought up hyphenating.... he said 'no way, how about we have a 1/2 assed wedding then? or I only give you 1/2 the money? or 1/2 a wedding cake? All or nothing'

Then I said, FINE, then NOTHING!
We walked towards the car and started laughing. He turned to me and said... 'You have to take my last name, we are going to start a family'

I pretended not to hear him and the argument ended there. I am telling you, this is not going to be an easy one.



MRSin2009 Posted:

Re: Dont want to take his last name

Posted by MrsLarrea2B

Posted by MRSin2009

Posted by MrsLarrea2B

Posted by MRSin2009

You have to understand its a public forum and not to take things to personal. Everyone has opinions on things and because everything is online words come off differently.

People usually post on here for opinions and that is what you got.


I can see you are having a hard time sleeping as well?? lol.

I just wanted to clarify why I was having an issue w. the whole name changing thing. I like talking to people who dissagree w. me. I like to hear their reasons why, and in turn I get to have my say as well. Its not about who has the final say though. I think we can all agree to dissagree???? LOL


HAHA I cannot sleep its so bad.

You are right I think the motto of this site should be ' adree to dissagree'



lol. omg, I am actually going to force myself to go to bed. Honestly, I am ADDICTED to LIWEDDINGS. Anyway, See you tomorrow??? lol


Me too! And I am on here everyday haha.
squeekietoy Posted:

Re: Dont want to take his last name

So don't take his last name. It's not the end of the world. I do however think (and remember this is just MY opinion) that if you ever have children, they should have your husbands last name. Children are children, they don't want a hypenated name and they don't want other kids to make fun of them.

MrsLarrea2B Posted:

Re: Dont want to take his last name

Posted by squeekietoy

So don't take his last name. It's not the end of the world. I do however think (and remember this is just MY opinion) that if you ever have children, they should have your husbands last name. Children are children, they don't want a hypenated name and they don't want other kids to make fun of them.


I'm with you on that one :)
PoppedInASnap Posted:

Re: Dont want to take his last name

Edited: didnt read through the entire forum. I see what you are saying that you established things through your name etc. I do not mind taking my fhs because i actually want to get away from any link to my father lol...

I feel like I established who I am though me, not through my name. A name is just a name... at least thats how i see it lol
(unless of course youre a trump...)

____________________________________

Our wedding will be in no way traditional... but i don't see the big deal with taking his last name.

The 'we are a family' thing does come into the picture.... as a teacher sometimes the kids get very uncomfortable when they are talking and mention that their parents have different last names. The kids ask questions and make it uncomfortable for them.... eta 'are your parents not married?' 'You dont know your mom?' etc...

Because his last name will be very hard for the little ones to pronounce, i will still have the kids refer to me with my name, but, take his.

Is something else bothering you about taking the name? You really seem so angry.... maybe take a step back and reevaluate your anger?

But anyway, like I've said, I do not see a big deal with taking his last name. Just like i don't see a big deal with not taking his last name. It's a preference. To me, i feel that we are a couple and we will represent one once were married, and since we are young, it's okay for me to change my last name. If i was older I may not since I would already be established and all my contacts would be with my maiden...
longislandlibrarian Posted:

Re: Dont want to take his last name

I am hyphenating.. that's always an option
ddnsp618 Posted:

Re: Dont want to take his last name

i feel very similar to you...im think of hypenating (i like the way mrs. delemo-patterson sounds) but FH is way against it...my boss didnt take her husbands name (shes a doctor) and her children have his...she still gets called Mrs. husbands last name though by the school...i think it comes with the territory

PoppedInASnap Posted:

Re: Dont want to take his last name

Posted by ddnsp618

i feel very similar to you...im think of hypenating (i like the way mrs. delemo-patterson sounds) but FH is way against it...my boss didnt take her husbands name (shes a doctor) and her children have his...she still gets called Mrs. husbands last name though by the school...i think it comes with the territory


i have kids in my school, alot actually, whose mother didnt take the name of her husband because shes a doctor as well.

I feel so bad sometimes because they get picked on :(

darn children
MrsLarrea2B Posted:

Re: Dont want to take his last name

Posted by MrsFazz2B

Posted by ddnsp618

i feel very similar to you...im think of hypenating (i like the way mrs. delemo-patterson sounds) but FH is way against it...my boss didnt take her husbands name (shes a doctor) and her children have his...she still gets called Mrs. husbands last name though by the school...i think it comes with the territory


i have kids in my school, alot actually, whose mother didnt take the name of her husband because shes a doctor as well.

I feel so bad sometimes because they get picked on :(

darn children

they get picked on?? why???what do they say??
Cannizzo12509 Posted:

Re: Dont want to take his last name

First Off, I wanted to apologize if I offended anyone, I didn't mean to. I was just stating my opinion, and obviously, all of us come from different diverse backgrounds, and we all have our own opinions of things, and this was obviously a more touchy subject than a diy project.

I guess I am not close with my father, and I also have 2 brothers to carry on his name. My FH is the only male in his small family and the only one to carry on his last name, his father was an only child, so there are no uncles or anything like that to carry on his name. Also I grew up with a last name that was pronounced nothing the way it looked, and I guess I am looking forward to having his last name, not to mention it's very Italian, and Im actually excited about that.

Again, whatever your decision is, it's not wrong or right, it's your decision to make. I hope I didn't offend anyone because that was not my intention. Also, I just wanted to tell you that by taking FH's last name, doesn't lessen your accomplishments in life in anyway. You should be proud of all you have done, but it doesn't change with a last name.
ddnsp618 Posted:

Re: Dont want to take his last name

Posted by MrsFazz2B

Posted by ddnsp618

i feel very similar to you...im think of hypenating (i like the way mrs. delemo-patterson sounds) but FH is way against it...my boss didnt take her husbands name (shes a doctor) and her children have his...she still gets called Mrs. husbands last name though by the school...i think it comes with the territory


i have kids in my school, alot actually, whose mother didnt take the name of her husband because shes a doctor as well.

I feel so bad sometimes because they get picked on :(

darn children


i could imagine..children find anything to make fun of each other..meanies
jenniferd Posted:

Re: Dont want to take his last name

Funny. I was thinking the same thing. It makes me sad that I won't have the last name as my parents
MrsLarrea2B Posted:

Re: Dont want to take his last name

Posted by jenniferd

Funny. I was thinking the same thing. It makes me sad that I won't have the last name as my parents





** I feel your pain**
TattooAnkh Posted:

Re: Dont want to take his last name

Posted by MrsLarrea2B

*** MY SCREEN NAME IS Mrs.Larrea 2b --- I used it b.c I figured I would 'try' to get used to it. But the more ppl at work ask me 'so you are going to be Mrs.___' and I alwasy respond 'Mrs.hurtado' and they get all weirded out. then i get the 'ur a feminist' crap.

let me tell you... I am no ****** feminist. But it is a matter of principle ... What the hell makes him king of the castle???


fem·i·nism /'f?m??n?z?m/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[fem-uh-niz-uhm] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–noun

1. the doctrine advocating social, political, and all other rights of women equal to those of men.
2. (sometimes initial capital letter) an organized movement for the attainment of such rights for women.
3. feminine character

Sorry, but it gets my panties in a bunch to see someone who so obviously is pro-equality for women succumb to the negative connotations of the word 'feminist.' There is absolutely nothing negative about the term 'feminist' - it does not mean you hate men, or are some kind of angry protesting crazy *****. It just means you'd like to see equality between the sexes.

You seem very passionate about the issue of taking your FH's last name - I hope that you reach a decision that gives you peace of mind.
frenchy702 Posted:

Re: Dont want to take his last name

I enjoyed reading your post because I too have thought about keeping my last name so I was glad to know I wasn't the only one who thought about it. I am the last in my family that would have the opportunity to keep the family name going. However, I am not going to keep it. Not because I feel pressured by the FH but because after thinking about it I get excited to know I'm going to be the future Mrs..... . It is definitely a big decision and a major one for you and the FH and the best thing to do is stay true to yourself. If your FH really loves you, he wouldn't care about a last name... he just wants to spend the rest of his life with you

Good luck with everything
Shellymd Posted:

Re: Dont want to take his last name

I agree with everything you said. I am in the process of still fighting with everyone about it. His own mother told me I should keep my own name. I dont feel like in 2008 i have to abide by the same rules that they did decades and decades ago. Its not fair to assume just because you are the Man i am changing anything for you. He would not take my last name so that is out of the question. My plan is to keep my last name until we have children and then we have atleast 3 years after that to come up with a solid plan. I know he will agree with whatever i decide, it will only be his pride i hurt.

MrsLarrea2B Posted:

Re: Dont want to take his last name

Posted by Shellymd

I agree with everything you said. I am in the process of still fighting with everyone about it. His own mother told me I should keep my own name. I dont feel like in 2008 i have to abide by the same rules that they did decades and decades ago. Its not fair to assume just because you are the Man i am changing anything for you. He would not take my last name so that is out of the question. My plan is to keep my last name until we have children and then we have atleast 3 years after that to come up with a solid plan. I know he will agree with whatever i decide, it will only be his pride i hurt.


You know I was thinking... maybe as a 10 year anniversary gift...I will change my last name. lol

nahhh//// lol

You are very lucky that his own mother is backing you up.and you are right...its not fair. Thanks for your support!
MrsLarrea2B Posted:

Re: Dont want to take his last name

Posted by TattooAnkh

Posted by MrsLarrea2B

*** MY SCREEN NAME IS Mrs.Larrea 2b --- I used it b.c I figured I would 'try' to get used to it. But the more ppl at work ask me 'so you are going to be Mrs.___' and I alwasy respond 'Mrs.hurtado' and they get all weirded out. then i get the 'ur a feminist' crap.

let me tell you... I am no ****** feminist. But it is a matter of principle ... What the hell makes him king of the castle???


fem·i·nism /'f?m??n?z?m/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[fem-uh-niz-uhm] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–noun

YOu are right. I guess I am a feminist. lol. What I meant to say was that whenever I argue my standpoint to other people, they kinda brush me off as 'oh ur a feminist'... its annoying that I have to be labeled one just to justiy why Im a 'rebel', lol

** ur right, I was a lil. ignorant about it. My bad
1
MrsLarrea2B Posted:

Re: Dont want to take his last name

Posted by frenchy702

I enjoyed reading your post because I too have thought about keeping my last name so I was glad to know I wasn't the only one who thought about it. I am the last in my family that would have the opportunity to keep the family name going. However, I am not going to keep it. Not because I feel pressured by the FH but because after thinking about it I get excited to know I'm going to be the future Mrs..... . It is definitely a big decision and a major one for you and the FH and the best thing to do is stay true to yourself. If your FH really loves you, he wouldn't care about a last name... he just wants to spend the rest of his life with you

Good luck with everything



Thank yo so much, and Im glad you enjoyed reading it ! Your FH must be relieved he doesnt have to deal w. it. I wonder if anyones family got offended that the bride changed her last name to FH? I dont know how my family feels about it...but I think they will be hurt by it.
bridej9 Posted:

Re: Dont want to take his last name

Posted by mrsdraskin2009

my FH wants me to take his name and I will, although for my professional career i will hyphenate to keep my maiden name. i don't agree with you in terms of property or being the king of the castle, but i am traditional in the sense that i want to take his name, its an honor.


I think this is what I am going to do, I have been struggling with this big time. i have a pretty unique last name and FH's is VERY common. I googled my name with his last name and there were thousands, when I google my name, there are thousands but they are all me! I am a media relations person and quoted quite a bit, it really bothered me that it would be like a stranger!

But at the same time I really love the idea of sharing the last name with FH (not necessarily his Fam) and becoming our own family.

So, I think I will do this, hyphenate professionally and go with his the rest of the time.
MrsLarrea2B Posted:

Re: Dont want to take his last name

Posted by bridej9

Posted by mrsdraskin2009

my FH wants me to take his name and I will, although for my professional career i will hyphenate to keep my maiden name. i don't agree with you in terms of property or being the king of the castle, but i am traditional in the sense that i want to take his name, its an honor.


I think this is what I am going to do, I have been struggling with this big time. i have a pretty unique last name and FH's is VERY common. I googled my name with his last name and there were thousands, when I google my name, there are thousands but they are all me! I am a media relations person and quoted quite a bit, it really bothered me that it would be like a stranger!

But at the same time I really love the idea of sharing the last name with FH (not necessarily his Fam) and becoming our own family.

So, I think I will do this, hyphenate professionally and go with his the rest of the time.


Here's what Im prob. going to end up doing. (sigh)
hyphenating on the marriage license. Im gonna see if I can drop my middle name, and shove his last name in there. lol and keep my last name. lol. hopefully this will work and FH wont realize what Im doing. lol

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