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Update:Dont want to take his last name

Original post by MrsLarrea2B

For a traditional bride, I am having a hardtime accepting the idea of changing my last name. I feel like a) I am not his damn property. i am not his dog or his slave. b) why should I have to take his stupid last name? c) why should his 'family' take the credit for my accomplishments...d) why should I have to 'give up' my family history and my fathers last name for FH ??? e) Why should I have to go through the hassle of changing my last name and all legal documents????

I have argued w. people over this and all i hear is 'I dont want my kids to feel weird b.c we dont have the same last name. i dont want teachers to think my child is a ******* child. (LOL). so then if this is the case....why not take MY last name???
What the hell makes his damn family better than mine that I should feel so damn PRIVILEDGED to have it????? people have suggested hyphenating my name....I think thats stupid. what the hell am I supposed to do... Sign 3 damn names everywhere? i really hate the fact that women are even put in this stupid position. I thought about changing my middle name to his...or maybe change it to my last name (if I want to compromise) but i hear that I have to go through the supreme court to get ny middle name changed!!! ***?

*** MY SCREEN NAME IS Mrs.Larrea 2b --- I used it b.c I figured I would 'try' to get used to it. But the more ppl at work ask me 'so you are going to be Mrs.___' and I alwasy respond 'Mrs.hurtado' and they get all weirded out. then i get the 'ur a feminist' crap.

It is a matter of principle ... What the hell makes him king of the castle???

UPDATE 03/11/08


FH and I argued about it yesterday. He was so pissed off at me. He even brought up cancelling the wedding!
He asked me why I didnt want to change my name. I told him b.c I didnt see a need for it and my name meant a lot to me. He countered w. its tradition for the woman to change her name. SO me like an *** I said, I dont wanna follow tradition...and then my super smart sneaky FH double countered w. 'so why the hell are w. paying 30k for a wedding, if you dont wanna follow tradition???' ( Just to fill you in, FH is against us having a huge wedding. But he is doing this b.c he knows I have been dreaming of this day since I was born. My FH literally starves himself in order to pay for our wedding. He doesnt go out his friends, and if he does he always invites me to come along. from the moment we got engaged he immediately went along w. the wedding plans and didnt argue w. me about it)

So basically we are 2 very stubborn people, My argument is that the whole 'tradition' excuse is not a good reason and I dont wanna go that route. Which hapens to be HIS reason for not wanting a big wedding. Money is very important to him and he is willing to give it all to me to throw away on one day, instead of using that money to buy our 1st house together or opening up a business.

As far as the last name goes, his excuse is that it is tradition and he does want to go that route.
He feels that I am contradicting myself when I say 'I am traditional and I MUST have a huge wedding. BUt then again I am a modern woman and I dont care what people say so I wont take your last name'

So then I tried to reason w. him and brought up hyphenating.... he said 'no way, how about we have a 1/2 assed wedding then? or I only give you 1/2 the money? or 1/2 a wedding cake? All or nothing'

Then I said, FINE, then NOTHING!
We walked towards the car and started laughing. He turned to me and said... 'You have to take my last name, we are going to start a family'

I pretended not to hear him and the argument ended there. I am telling you, this is not going to be an easy one.



bluegreen08 Posted:

Re: Dont want to take his last name

you should check out the poll i made in 08 a few days ago about this.

I completely agree with most of the points you made. Its kind of crappy that the norm is for the woman to give up her name and take her husband's. I never really daydreamed about being Mrs. S_____ or anything, and I've thought a lot about whether I want to change my name in the first place.

Luckily FH has a very nice easy name (although I'd end up with a super common first AND last name -- I currently have a very unique last name) so it wouldn't be horrible to take his. It would also rid me of my less than desirable initials. However, I like my name.

I'm considering making my current last name my middle name and keeping both, but I'm not sure if I would keep my middle name too or drop it.

I might just end up taking his name but it's something I've thought a lot about. I like the idea of having the same name as FH and our whole family having the same name once we have kids.

I don't feel as strongly about it as you do, but I'm indecisive and am weighing my options.
OctBride2009 Posted:

Re: Dont want to take his last name

I definitely understand what you are saying. I don’t want to change my name either. It makes me so sad to think of getting rid of my name. It really isn’t fair! It’s a part of who I am and how I was known growing up. I have one sister, so neither of us can carry on the name. It also makes me sad, because my father just passed away and I feel like it’s all I have left of him. However, I don’t want to be disrespectful to my fiancés family by not taking on his name. I also don’t want it to feel like I’m not married, when people see our last names are different. Hyphenating will just make it way too long. I feel your pain!! It really does stink and there’s no easy way out!

beram63 Posted:

Re: Dont want to take his last name

i was talking to FH yesterday about how much mileage this thread has gotten and when i shared my response with him his reaction surprised me:

'well, your [deceased] father is the real reason. liking your name better isn't really a good excuse'

i consider FH to be an enlightened man whose comfortable enough with his own masculinity to accept me for all my female empowerment ideals. i was really surprised to hear him talk about me needing an excuse in making the decision to keep my name. it makes me wonder what guys would have to say on the subject.
simbaspaws Posted:

Re: Dont want to take his last name

Although my FH said that he would not care, I am the exact opposite. I always felt that taking somebodys last name is an honor and makes us truly united as a family. It makes the committment more real for me. I love being called futre Mrs. Araz. But that is just my opinion.
Just don't get why you are so angry about it. Nobody is forcing you to do it, right?
9-21-07 Posted:

Re: Dont want to take his last name

I have been unsure about what to do with the last name situation as well. At first I was absolutely not going to take his last name. I feel that everything I've done in my life has been as my family name. All my accomplishments and everything. I hate to just throw that away. Since he really wants us to share the same name I've been thinking about hyphenating my our names that way I can keep my history and compromise with him. I still have some time but right now that's my idea.

MrsLarrea2B Posted:

Re: Dont want to take his last name

Posted by beram63

i was talking to FH yesterday about how much mileage this thread has gotten and when i shared my response with him his reaction surprised me:

'well, your [deceased] father is the real reason. liking your name better isn't really a good excuse'

i consider FH to be an enlightened man whose comfortable enough with his own masculinity to accept me for all my female empowerment ideals. i was really surprised to hear him talk about me needing an excuse in making the decision to keep my name. it makes me wonder what guys would have to say on the subject.



Honestly, you will be surprised at how men respond to this subject. I asked MANY men at my job (who are teachers by the way) and they were all appalled at the idea of their wife not taking their last names.

FH and I argued about it yesterday. He was so pissed off at me. He even brought up cancelling the wedding!
He asked me why I didnt want to change my name. I told him b.c I didnt see a need for it and my name meant a lot to me. He countered w. its tradition for the woman to change her name. SO me like an *** I said, I dont wanna follow tradition...and then my super smart sneaky FH double countered w. 'so why the hell are w. paying 30k for a wedding, if you dont wanna follow tradition???' ( Just to fill you in, FH is against us having a huge wedding. But he is doing this b.c he knows I have been dreaming of this day since I was born. My FH literally starves himself in order to pay for our wedding. He doesnt go out his friends, and if he does he always invites me to come along. from the moment we got engaged he immediately went along w. the wedding plans and didnt argue w. me about it)

So basically we are 2 very stubborn people, My argument is that the whole 'tradition' excuse is not a good reason and I dont wanna go that route. Which hapens to be HIS reason for not wanting a big wedding. Money is very important to him and he is willing to give it all to me to throw away on one day, instead of using that money to buy our 1st house together or opening up a business.

As far as the last name goes, his excuse is that it is tradition and he does want to go that route.
He feels that I am contradicting myself when I say 'I am traditional and I MUST have a huge wedding. BUt then again I am a modern woman and I dont care what people say so I wont take your last name'

So then I tried to reason w. him and brought up hyphenating.... he said 'no way, how about we have a 1/2 assed wedding then? or I only give you 1/2 the money? or 1/2 a wedding cake? All or nothing'

Then I said, FINE, then NOTHING!
We walked towards the car and started laughing. He turned to me and said... 'You have to take my last name, we are going to start a family'

I pretended not to hear him and the argument ended there. I am telling you, this is not going to be an easy one.



PreshusSmurf Posted:

Re: Update:Dont want to take his last name

Posted by MrsLarrea2B

He feels that I am contradicting myself when I say 'I am traditional and I MUST have a huge wedding. BUt then again I am a modern woman and I dont care what people say so I wont take your last name'

So then I tried to reason w. him and brought up hyphenating.... he said 'no way, how about we have a 1/2 assed wedding then? or I only give you 1/2 the money? or 1/2 a wedding cake? All or nothing'



You aren't going to like this, but I think your FH has a really really really good point. It seems like you are willing to follow 'tradition' only as long as it suits you ... and you expected him to compromise about having the huge wedding that he didn't want, but you aren't willing to compromise for the things he wants.
pcadavid75 Posted:

Re: Update:Dont want to take his last name

My FH wants me to take his last name and i am not sure, so when we talk about it he said don't take my last name and i don't have to wear a ring( he hates rings never had one before) so now i don't know what to do i think i will take his last name cause there is no way he is not wearing his ring. So all i am saying is think about him what would you say if he didn't want to do something that you thought was a given. Just my 2 cents

mf2009 Posted:

Re: Update:Dont want to take his last name

Posted by PreshusSmurf

Posted by MrsLarrea2B

He feels that I am contradicting myself when I say 'I am traditional and I MUST have a huge wedding. BUt then again I am a modern woman and I dont care what people say so I wont take your last name'

So then I tried to reason w. him and brought up hyphenating.... he said 'no way, how about we have a 1/2 assed wedding then? or I only give you 1/2 the money? or 1/2 a wedding cake? All or nothing'



You aren't going to like this, but I think your FH has a really really really good point. It seems like you are willing to follow 'tradition' only as long as it suits you ... and you expected him to compromise about having the huge wedding that he didn't want, but you aren't willing to compromise for the things he wants.


I second that! I tend to act the same way as well. There has to be a compromise especially if he his footing the bill for the wedding (pardon me if that's not the case I'm just responding to what I read) If he is making sacrifcies for a wedding that YOU want then you should really consider the name thing. I love my unique last name but I realized its not worth all the headache to argue if the love of my life has complied to everything I've wanted thus far. I feel that is the least I can do. Trust me I'm as stubborn as they come (Cancer baby!) but there comes a time when you need to compromise and let certain things go. Just my 2 cents.
Ann 52409 Posted:

Re: Update:Dont want to take his last name

Posted by PreshusSmurf

Posted by MrsLarrea2B

He feels that I am contradicting myself when I say 'I am traditional and I MUST have a huge wedding. BUt then again I am a modern woman and I dont care what people say so I wont take your last name'

So then I tried to reason w. him and brought up hyphenating.... he said 'no way, how about we have a 1/2 assed wedding then? or I only give you 1/2 the money? or 1/2 a wedding cake? All or nothing'



You aren't going to like this, but I think your FH has a really really really good point. It seems like you are willing to follow 'tradition' only as long as it suits you ... and you expected him to compromise about having the huge wedding that he didn't want, but you aren't willing to compromise for the things he wants.

You took the words right out of my mouth with this one.. I was going to type the same thing. i hope he sticks to his guns with this because he has a very good point. It cant be all about you and what you want.
You said he is willing to starve himself to give you your dream why cant you give him his??
EsquireBride Posted:

Re: Update:Dont want to take his last name

FH and I had similar issues -- I have been working for many years, and have many accomplishments with my current last name. He wanted me to take his last name, which I was not really thrilled with for a variety of reasons. So we eventually came to a compromise -- it will be first name/maiden name/his last name. No hyphen. So I will have a three-part name on legal documents, and professionally, my current full name still exists 9with a little extra padding on the end!) and I don't even have to deal with a hyphen. Of course, my REAL full name also has a middle name in there, but I barely use it now, and I would much rather preserve my unique current last name than a rather commonplace middle name. I have an older friend who also did this (in fact, this is where we got the idea). She is very high up in her company, and to start changing her name entirely would have been a professional problem.

bluegreen08 Posted:

Re: Update:Dont want to take his last name

Posted by EsquireBride

FH and I had similar issues -- I have been working for many years, and have many accomplishments with my current last name. He wanted me to take his last name, which I was not really thrilled with for a variety of reasons. So we eventually came to a compromise -- it will be first name/maiden name/his last name. No hyphen. So I will have a three-part name on legal documents, and professionally, my current full name still exists 9with a little extra padding on the end!) and I don't even have to deal with a hyphen. Of course, my REAL full name also has a middle name in there, but I barely use it now, and I would much rather preserve my unique current last name than a rather commonplace middle name. I have an older friend who also did this (in fact, this is where we got the idea). She is very high up in her company, and to start changing her name entirely would have been a professional problem.


i know a lot of lawyers who did the 3 name thing. I'm debating between that, or taking FH's name entirely.
MrsDtoBe09 Posted:

Re: Update:Dont want to take his last name

Sounds super nerdy but I quote from Shakespeare: 'What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.' To me, it's just a name, it's not any type of ownership. I understand becoming attached to a name you've had for 25 years but think of everything else that's great that comes with a name change - being part of your own little family- you and fh and in the future if you choose kids.

I like my last name but dont mind the change at all. I think the worst part will be getting used to signing everything differently but so what. I'll get over it.

Don't stress over this. I hope everything works out!
Cacarina Posted:

Re: Update:Dont want to take his last name

This is interesting. I see what you mean about it being annoying that it is expected that YOU have to take HIS name. However, he could turn it around and say its unfair that HE has to buy YOU the ring and propose. Why don't YOU buy the ring? Probably because its tradition for the man to buy the ring and propose...just like its tradition that the woman takes the man's last name.

Good luck with your discussion with FH, I understand it is a hard thing to compromise on...you obviously both have very strong views. Hopefully the outcome of this will make you even stronger.
Ann 52409 Posted:

Re: Update:Dont want to take his last name

Posted by Cacarina

This is interesting. I see what you mean about it being annoying that it is expected that YOU have to take HIS name. However, he could turn it around and say its unfair that HE has to buy YOU the ring and propose. Why don't YOU buy the ring? Probably because its tradition for the man to buy the ring and propose...just like its tradition that the woman takes the man's last name.

Good luck with your discussion with FH, I understand it is a hard thing to compromise on...you obviously both have very strong views. Hopefully the outcome of this will make you even stronger.

Thats a good example
CMS Posted:

Re: Update:Dont want to take his last name

How's this for an 'argument' for keeping your last name? My BIL's sister is a very high ranking executive in her company and in her field. When she married her husband (We'll call him Dr. Jones), she kept her maiden name (we'll say Smith). When they would go to business functions for her, he would get VERY UPSET that people would come up to him and say, 'It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Smith.' So maybe you could ask him how he would feel if the situation was reversed?

Here's another option you might want to consider. I work with an attorney who is 'John Smith'. He married 'Mary Black'. When they got married they each took each other's name, so they are both Mr. & Mrs. Black-Smith, as are the children.

Just a thought.....
bluegreen08 Posted:

Re: Update:Dont want to take his last name

Posted by CMS

How's this for an 'argument' for keeping your last name? My BIL's sister is a very high ranking executive in her company and in her field. When she married her husband (We'll call him Dr. Jones), she kept her maiden name (we'll say Smith). When they would go to business functions for her, he would get VERY UPSET that people would come up to him and say, 'It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Smith.' So maybe you could ask him how he would feel if the situation was reversed?

Here's another option you might want to consider. I work with an attorney who is 'John Smith'. He married 'Mary Black'. When they got married they each took each other's name, so they are both Mr. & Mrs. Black-Smith, as are the children.

Just a thought.....


one of my law school classmates did that (he and his wife both hypenated)
MrsLarrea2B Posted:

Re: Update:Dont want to take his last name

Why can't I have my cake and eat it too???

I know he does has a point.... but I am not happy about it.
Just to clarify, he is not footing the entire bill. We opened up a joint account in which we are making 14 monthly deposits ( of equal amounts) .
We are both paying for the entire wedding.
50 % him 50% me.

**** And dont get me started on the E-ring. I am walking around w. the ring his father gave his stepmother when he proposed. How traditional is that??? ****
MrsLarrea2B Posted:

Re: Update:Dont want to take his last name

Posted by CMS

How's this for an 'argument' for keeping your last name? My BIL's sister is a very high ranking executive in her company and in her field. When she married her husband (We'll call him Dr. Jones), she kept her maiden name (we'll say Smith). When they would go to business functions for her, he would get VERY UPSET that people would come up to him and say, 'It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Smith.' So maybe you could ask him how he would feel if the situation was reversed?

Here's another option you might want to consider. I work with an attorney who is 'John Smith'. He married 'Mary Black'. When they got married they each took each other's name, so they are both Mr. & Mrs. Black-Smith, as are the children.

Just a thought.....



he would pee his pants laughing at that idea if I even brought it up. lol. although I personally LOVE it.
teenigrrl Posted:

Re: Update:Dont want to take his last name

Posted by CMS

How's this for an 'argument' for keeping your last name? My BIL's sister is a very high ranking executive in her company and in her field. When she married her husband (We'll call him Dr. Jones), she kept her maiden name (we'll say Smith). When they would go to business functions for her, he would get VERY UPSET that people would come up to him and say, 'It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Smith.' So maybe you could ask him how he would feel if the situation was reversed?

Here's another option you might want to consider. I work with an attorney who is 'John Smith'. He married 'Mary Black'. When they got married they each took each other's name, so they are both Mr. & Mrs. Black-Smith, as are the children.

Just a thought.....


that's exactly what i was trying to convince DH to do, have it so we would both hyphenate our names. i was going to hyphenate just my name, and i even told DH that if i hyphenate, our childrens' last name will also be hyphenated, and he was perfectly A-OK with that.

in the end, i changed mine, but my maiden name is now my middle name. (and you don't have to go to court do do that). i know i haven't changed one single bit. so it's a bit inconveniet to go to social security and DMV. for me, it was about starting our life together as a family, we're all one unit. i thought it would be weird if our kids and i had one last name, and he had his last name. i think there's a time to pick and choose your battles, for me, changing my name wasn't a big one.

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