Urgent.Need help. I can't go through with the wedding

i am so sorry that you are going through this horrible ordeal. You have to take a stand! You need to Leave!!!! If he doesn't want to leave fine, but You leave! Go to a family member's house, call the police and put a restraining order. He will do this again! Next time, god forbid you might not be so lucky... Please get some help!!! Good Luck, I will be praying for your situation

I am so sorry that you have to go through this, it is really a horrible situation...but you MUST get out of this relationship! please go to the police or somewhere to get some help!!!

I just saw a lifetime movie on tv where the husband was abusing her constantly and then he killed her. she had three kids who saw him do it.

Please please leave him, if hes doing this now it will never stop and will only get worse after marriage, and then at that point you will have children.

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Posted by wendy1220

First let me say that it is horrible that you are dealing with this but it takes a tremendous amount of courage to speak up and ask for help. ALL women can find themselves in this situation; thereis no need to feel embarrased or ashamed. It is also easier said than done to be told to just leave or get out. Not that easy and your safety must be considered first and foremost. Please know that the abuse is NOT your fault, no matter how your FH turns it around on you and blames you for his behavior. He is indeed extremely abusive and it does follow the pattern you have described....an incident happens, he leaves then comes back extremely apologetic and with presents, claiming he'll never do it again. Things will be fine for a while but then it will escalate again until the next incident happens. Over time, these incidents will increase in frequency and intensity. I am concerned about your safety and urge you to think seriously about seeking help. You have many different options, please either FM me for further details or consider reaching out to a domestic violence agency. However there are a few things you NEED to remember:

1. DO NOT tell him you are considering leaving, calling the police or obtaining and Order of Protection; this can put you in more danger.
2. DO NOT tell him if you reach out for help to an agency that can assist you and be carefull of what phone you use, if you call a hotline when you hang up dial a different number so if he presses redial he will not know what you are doing.
3. If you are planning on leaving, do not be obvious and pack up everything, just your personal items that he will not notice are missing.
4. Next time something is happening, if you can, just pick up the phone, dial 911 and lay the phone down, the police WILL repsond even if you abandon the call.
5. Always know where your car keys are and your pocketbook so if you feel like something is about to happen you can get out easily.

Good luck to you and if you need any assistance please let us know. If you want, you can call the following 24 hour hotline: 666-8833 or check the website www.sccadv.org All calls on the hotline are kept confidential so you don't need to worry. There are also services to help you obtain an Order of Protection, shelter if you need to get out, etc. The only way for you to obtain an OP is for your fh to be arrested; assuming you don't have children together.

Stay safe and good luck.

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YOU NEED TO DO EVERYTHING THAT SHE SAID!! This is your life and you have to be smart about. You have to be calculating about leaving and you can't let him know. If you don't leave immediately and he hits you again, document it. Take pictures of your bruises and if your camera has the date stamp on it... even better. Also, if he does it again and even if you have a little cut... go to the hospital if you can. The more evidence you leave around on paper, the better.

You need to get out and trust me, its only going to get worse as times goes on, especially once you're married. Its a possession thing and once you are HIS, it WILL GET WORSE.

My father was abusive (never with me thank god) and if you ever plan on having kids... this IS NOT the life you want for them. This i know. If you're not going to leave for yourself, leave for the kids you might potentially have! GET OUT of his life. I know its scary, but even if you have to move 3000 miles away, GET OUT.

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Posted by aliwnec10

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Posted by wendy1220

First let me say that it is horrible that you are dealing with this but it takes a tremendous amount of courage to speak up and ask for help. ALL women can find themselves in this situation; thereis no need to feel embarrased or ashamed. It is also easier said than done to be told to just leave or get out. Not that easy and your safety must be considered first and foremost. Please know that the abuse is NOT your fault, no matter how your FH turns it around on you and blames you for his behavior. He is indeed extremely abusive and it does follow the pattern you have described....an incident happens, he leaves then comes back extremely apologetic and with presents, claiming he'll never do it again. Things will be fine for a while but then it will escalate again until the next incident happens. Over time, these incidents will increase in frequency and intensity. I am concerned about your safety and urge you to think seriously about seeking help. You have many different options, please either FM me for further details or consider reaching out to a domestic violence agency. However there are a few things you NEED to remember:

1. DO NOT tell him you are considering leaving, calling the police or obtaining and Order of Protection; this can put you in more danger.
2. DO NOT tell him if you reach out for help to an agency that can assist you and be carefull of what phone you use, if you call a hotline when you hang up dial a different number so if he presses redial he will not know what you are doing.
3. If you are planning on leaving, do not be obvious and pack up everything, just your personal items that he will not notice are missing.
4. Next time something is happening, if you can, just pick up the phone, dial 911 and lay the phone down, the police WILL repsond even if you abandon the call.
5. Always know where your car keys are and your pocketbook so if you feel like something is about to happen you can get out easily.

Good luck to you and if you need any assistance please let us know. If you want, you can call the following 24 hour hotline: 666-8833 or check the website www.sccadv.org All calls on the hotline are kept confidential so you don't need to worry. There are also services to help you obtain an Order of Protection, shelter if you need to get out, etc. The only way for you to obtain an OP is for your fh to be arrested; assuming you don't have children together.

Stay safe and good luck.

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YOU NEED TO DO EVERYTHING THAT SHE SAID!! This is your life and you have to be smart about. You have to be calculating about leaving and you can't let him know. If you don't leave immediately and he hits you again, document it. Take pictures of your bruises and if your camera has the date stamp on it... even better. Also, if he does it again and even if you have a little cut... go to the hospital if you can. The more evidence you leave around on paper, the better.

You need to get out and trust me, its only going to get worse as times goes on, especially once you're married. Its a possession thing and once you are HIS, it WILL GET WORSE.

My father was abusive (never with me thank god) and if you ever plan on having kids... this IS NOT the life you want for them. This i know. If you're not going to leave for yourself, leave for the kids you might potentially have! GET OUT of his life. I know its scary, but even if you have to move 3000 miles away, GET OUT.

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YEs do everything that she said for your own safety and life.

I am so sorry that you are going through this! I agree with everyone else- you do not deserve this. Be safe and know that you have us for support.

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Posted by DoYouReallyLuvMe

I'm not a newbie but I wanted to come on anonoymous.I'm in an abusive relationship. Basically Fh hits me. He has beat me on 7 occasions dating back to Nov'04. The police came one time but he had left and I didn't press charges. The most recent being last week. When I ran to the room to call the police he broke my phone and threatened that he will only be there for 2 days and he'll be out for me. If not him then someone will come and cut my pretty face or burn it with lye. So I was really scared. The next day he came home with $400 earrings and roses. Every time he apologizes and I forgive him. I don't know if it's because I'm scared to leave him. He doesn't trust me at all he told me so himself. He's 15 years older than I am. I don't work and in the past 7 months since I lost my job I have been out 2 times without Fh, I don't go anywhere because I don't want to hear his mouth. Right now I 've had enough I can't take it anymore. A part of me still loves him but another part of me can't be with someone who does this to me. I'm sad and mad at myself for letting it go on for all this time. We live with my mother and I cant go to her because she has been around when it has happened on 2 occasions but it's like she puts on blinders to it. So I'm coming to you ladies what would you do in this situation? He claims he's looking for an apartment but who knows.
I need help. Sorry for rambling. He's sleeping and I wanted to get this off my chest.Thank you.

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It took a lot for your to even talk about this

I am so sorry that your mother is not doing anything to help you out of this situation which is taking place in her home.

We cannot tell you what to do since you have been living with this man for years and being physically abused for some time. However, if it were me, I would leave.

There are all sorts of agencies that can help you if your family or friends do not want to help you out. From what I have heard, shelters will also help you look for work and find housing. I am not sure if you have kids with this man but if so the shelters will accept all of you

I had an experience like this when I was a senior in high school. I was not abused but a good friend was being physically abused by her long term boyfriend. She got out of school a year or two before me. I recall coming over and seeing her in the apartment after work one night with all the lights out and her two small kids (one from a prior relationship) playing on the floor. It was dark outside so she would have normally had lights on.

When I made her turn on the lights I saw that she had two black eyes and her legs were all scared and red. Not only had he beaten her up (for the millionth time from what I now know) but he raped her too. The red marks on her legs were caused by him dragging her across the carpet.

I was dating the cousin of her boyfriend at the time. I dumped my boyfriend because he knew about the abuse and never did anything. In fact, after her boyfriend beat her once, she fought him back. He had gashes across his chest from where she dug her nails into his skin. I saw the scars the same day when he was getting dressed to go out with me and his cousin. Her boyfriend made a joke that the soap was burning his skin in the places where she scratched him and that he should 'beat her again' for the pain he was in His cousin (my boyfriend) LAUGHED AT THAT I broke up with him that night. I could not be with a man who thought it was funny to make jokes about battering a woman.

I will add this. She did not leave him, she actually ended up getting pregnant by him again and again and he still abused her for years.

They are now MARRIED with 3 sons and 1 daughter (plus her older son). He has supposedly 'changed' and he is a minister (getting ordained soon). I have not spoken to her in years since she got angry with me for telling her that some teenager she was going to 'THANK' for beating up a girl who was having an affair with her man was also having an affair with her man Yeah, he was cheating on her with 2 different girls. The girl who got beat up lived across the street from their apartment and they had babies by this man ONE WEEK APART!!! That girl was even on Ricky Lake once talking about some other situation with another guy she was dating.

She stayed with him through constant abuse and constant cheating. I would not wish her life on anyone. Granted, she may be content now but she went through hell to get to this point. And to think what her kids saw

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Posted by akaMrsT

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Posted by DoYouReallyLuvMe

I'm not a newbie but I wanted to come on anonoymous.I'm in an abusive relationship. Basically Fh hits me. He has beat me on 7 occasions dating back to Nov'04. The police came one time but he had left and I didn't press charges. The most recent being last week. When I ran to the room to call the police he broke my phone and threatened that he will only be there for 2 days and he'll be out for me. If not him then someone will come and cut my pretty face or burn it with lye. So I was really scared. The next day he came home with $400 earrings and roses. Every time he apologizes and I forgive him. I don't know if it's because I'm scared to leave him. He doesn't trust me at all he told me so himself. He's 15 years older than I am. I don't work and in the past 7 months since I lost my job I have been out 2 times without Fh, I don't go anywhere because I don't want to hear his mouth. Right now I 've had enough I can't take it anymore. A part of me still loves him but another part of me can't be with someone who does this to me. I'm sad and mad at myself for letting it go on for all this time. We live with my mother and I cant go to her because she has been around when it has happened on 2 occasions but it's like she puts on blinders to it. So I'm coming to you ladies what would you do in this situation? He claims he's looking for an apartment but who knows.
I need help. Sorry for rambling. He's sleeping and I wanted to get this off my chest.Thank you.

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It took a lot for your to even talk about this

I am so sorry that your mother is not doing anything to help you out of this situation which is taking place in her home.

We cannot tell you what to do since you have been living with this man for years and being physically abused for some time. However, if it were me, I would leave.

There are all sorts of agencies that can help you if your family or friends do not want to help you out. From what I have heard, shelters will also help you look for work and find housing. I am not sure if you have kids with this man but if so the shelters will accept all of you

I had an experience like this when I was a senior in high school. I was not abused but a good friend was being physically abused by her long term boyfriend. She got out of school a year or two before me. I recall coming over and seeing her in the apartment after work one night with all the lights out and her two small kids (one from a prior relationship) playing on the floor. It was dark outside so she would have normally had lights on.

When I made her turn on the lights I saw that she had two black eyes and her legs were all scared and red. Not only had he beaten her up (for the millionth time from what I now know) but he raped her too. The red marks on her legs were caused by him dragging her across the carpet.

I was dating the cousin of her boyfriend at the time. I dumped my boyfriend because he knew about the abuse and never did anything. In fact, after her boyfriend beat her once, she fought him back. He had gashes across his chest from where she dug her nails into his skin. I saw the scars the same day when he was getting dressed to go out with me and his cousin. Her boyfriend made a joke that the soap was burning his skin in the places where she scratched him and that he should 'beat her again' for the pain he was in His cousin (my boyfriend) LAUGHED AT THAT I broke up with him that night. I could not be with a man who thought it was funny to make jokes about battering a woman.

I will add this. She did not leave him, she actually ended up getting pregnant by him again and again and he still abused her for years.

They are now MARRIED with 3 sons and 1 daughter (plus her older son). He has supposedly 'changed' and he is a minister (getting ordained soon). I have not spoken to her in years since she got angry with me for telling her that some teenager she was going to 'THANK' for beating up a girl who was having an affair with her man was also having an affair with her man Yeah, he was cheating on her with 2 different girls. The girl who got beat up lived across the street from their apartment and they had babies by this man ONE WEEK APART!!! That girl was even on Ricky Lake once talking about some other situation with another guy she was dating.

She stayed with him through constant abuse and constant cheating. I would not wish her life on anyone. Granted, she may be content now but she went through hell to get to this point. And to think what her kids saw

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Yes, there is assistance with finding new employment, counseling, assistance in court for Orders of Protection, free legal representation for custody issues if there are children, etc.

As for your ex-boyfriend; I commend you for breaking up with him because he found it acceptable to laugh at a man beating a woman! That is one of the major problems in our society; domestic violence happens in all sectors of society; it's primarily violence against women. Education on this topic need not only be geared towards women; men as well must start getting involved and take a stand. Until men start telling their friends, co workers, family members, etc. that it is not acceptable, this behavior will not end. This of course is in addition to men learning that violence against women is never acceptable nor is it justified. It is based primarily on power and control and those that are abusive are only abusive to their partner, not the outside world. Until they recognize their behavior and take full responsiblity for it, they will not change. There are batterers intervention programs out there but I'm not sure they work; many of those that attend are repeat offenders; I guess if they really want to be there and want to change they can however the relationship will always hold that unequal balance of power; the victim will always know that at any moment this person can hurt them.

I am so sorry to hear you are in such a terrible situation.

I see in your profile that your MOH is your best friend. Confide in her- let her help you- and get out of there!

It is probably going to be the hardets thing for do but in the future you will look back and say it was the best decision you ever made. No one deserves to be treated like that and marraige will not fix it!!

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Posted by weddingbunny

ok, I'm not so sure posting horrible pictures of what happened to somebody is going to do anything besides terrify this woman... but that's just me. I understand we're all trying to help.

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Yea - I can see why you would think that. Let me just explain why I posted that because I did struggle with posting it. I wasnt sure if it was the best idea. But the only reason the 'woman with out a face' agreed to do the show was that she hoped that her story may save anothers life. I agree that it may be terrifying to look at and I sure was terrified by the story but I cant imagine going through it. My reason for posting it - is that this can escalate into something that can never ever be fixed. Perhaps, it was pretty blunt on my part but I just wanted to spread the story because that woman who got her face shot off (literally) and whose possessive boyfriend murdered her mother would prob. have given anything to receive a warning like the one she is giving.

But like you said, we are all trying to help. In our own way and the best way we know how.

Take care ladies
Jus

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Posted by ZuzusPetals

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Posted by weddingbunny

ok, I'm not so sure posting horrible pictures of what happened to somebody is going to do anything besides terrify this woman... but that's just me. I understand we're all trying to help.

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Yea - I can see why you would think that. Let me just explain why I posted that because I did struggle with posting it. I wasnt sure if it was the best idea. But the only reason the 'woman with out a face' agreed to do the show was that she hoped that her story may save anothers life. I agree that it may be terrifying to look at and I sure was terrified by the story but I cant imagine going through it. My reason for posting it - is that this can escalate into something that can never ever be fixed. Perhaps, it was pretty blunt on my part but I just wanted to spread the story because that woman who got her face shot off (literally) and whose possessive boyfriend murdered her mother would prob. have given anything to receive a warning like the one she is giving.

But like you said, we are all trying to help. In our own way and the best way we know how.

Take care ladies
Jus

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Yes the posters are harsh...BUT ITS REALITY.

And sometimes, it takes seeing something like that to realize how serious something is.

Juls was just trying to help. And I think its good she put the pictures up, because this is what can happen. Again...its reality.

My opinion...you need to leave. You are special and there is no one on this God given earth that has the right to do that to you. Statistics show these scenarios typically do not get better. Please think about this, and think about yourself, and how special you are, you don't deserve this. You owe this to your future

ETA for spelling.

So scary, I was in almost the same situation. I got pregnant and he threatened hed kill me and my family if I left and kidnap our son. I was a SAHM and had no job and no money. You have to get out. You have to leave. It will not get better. I called a womans abuse hotline and they got me out and helped me. Leave now. If you get pregnant things will be SOOO much harder. Besides I was afraid to leave due to his threats so I stayed and then he beat my baby who was only a few months old. I then left immediately, but was very scared to do so. I still have 3 locks on both my doors and alarms on my windows. :(

ETA: I agree, do NOT tell him you are leaving. I left when my ex was at work. The police took me to a shelter and the womens shelter drove me to the airport and I moved cross country.

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Posted by giapet99

Leave if it getting worse know it's not going to get any better after your married, please do it for yourself. What if he kills you and your mother. Kick him out change the locks and go to the police!!!!!!!!!!

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I agree, get rid of this guy and get rid of him now you have no one to blame, but yourself if you don't. If he treats you this way when you are engaged what will he do to you once your married. You owe him nothing RUN!